My husband and I are getting read to fill out the EN questionaire, and I have a couple of questions.

First, he seems to have difficulty relating much to any of the needs other than SF, and has made statements hinting that he doesn't relate much to the needs in HNHN. I am not sure why that is...I have felt often in this marriage that his wanting to be tough and masculine, along with past hurts have kind of caused a "I won't let myself need anybody" attitude. He has made comments in the past in our marriage about how he doesn't need much (yet, has stated I am not meeting his needs - so much so that he was unfaithful 5 years ago.) So...not sure what is going on there?

Also, I had another theory about this...if a spouse IS meeting your need, are you likely to not percieve it as being a need? Perhaps something only becomes recognizable as a need when it goes unfulfilled in your relationship? I do not claim to be an expert at meeting my husbands needs...but say if I am meeting his need for Domestic Support, he may be satisfied in that way, easily taking it for granted.

Just wonderig if anyone has anything to say about dealing with these things I see as potential problems when it comes to doing the questionaire?

Thanks!

Usually the needs NOT being met will be at the top of the list when first doing these.

Let me give you a run-down of how to share these...each of you fill them out and then rank your needs. Sit down to share them once you are each satisfied that you have given them careful and thorough consideration.

There should be nothing negative in the 'how you want the need met' section--if you find yourselves writing down things you want your spouse to STOP doing, change it to something you want them to DO. Everything on there should be a positive action. ACTION.

When you share them, there is a SPEAKER and a LISTENER. The speaker will read off their #1 need, and all the stuff on the page, from how they feel to how they would like it met. The listener only listens, takes notes, and can ask clarifying questions ONLY--no, "But I already do that!" or "I can't do that, forget it!" That's for negotiating later after attempts to meet the need have failed. Allowable questions are things like, "When you say hold hands in public, do you mean at all times, or would you like it if it was just while walking somewhere?"

Once the speaker has read all of their #1, switch roles. The previous listener now reads the info from their #1, and switch back and forth until you've gone through all 10 for each of you.

If things get testy and it becomes difficult to finish without tempers flaring, STOP and come back to it later. This is an info-gathering exercise only. I suggest you give each other a day or two to let everything sink in before you even discuss it again.

Regardless of how each of you rank needs, make sure you are focusing on the four intimates of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment during your Undivided Attention time each week. UA is not for domestic support unless you're freaky like that!

Good luck, and make sure you don't skip over recovery as lined out in SAA. Extraordinary precautions are vital to you right now. Don't jump straight into marriage building 101 until you've properly recovered.

Listen to todays radio show. They talked about this exact issue from an email I sent them with this exact same situation in my marriage.

I wrote the Harleys on this exact issue as my husband told me he had no emotional needs. Not even sex! None of the 5 on the list did he say he needed. Me on the other hand is dying in my marriage.

They had some good suggestions and information. Good luck.

I've been on this forum for a year and a half and I still juggle emotional needs. I think they can change as well over time as needs began to get met. It is very possible for one spouse to be doing a good job meeting the needs of the other while the opposite may not be true. What this does is cause one spouse to be incredibly unhappy whereas the other spouse wonders what the big deal is.

that is exactly my situation. My husband says he is happy, but I dont think he really is, and I am miserable. When I would try talking to him about it he didnt understand.