Betrayed spouses are told not to make any permanent decisions for six months. That really is true IMO.

So that can be your plan, unless there is some sort of legal hurry to get it done.

Leaving yourself at any sort of legal or financial disadvantage to the wayward is not advised. So get the D if you NEED it for those reasons.

But if its an emotional decision, you'll be in no shape for at least six months,

It's both financial and emotional, it's been 5 months so far. divorcing would be less of a strain on me financially due to our income/benefit differences. That and I feel like I don't know if I can start to heal until I have a resolution regarding the marriage. Being divorced or not is really important to me in understanding where I am in my life. I'm trying to work on that distinction in IC as I know it shouldn't matter so much to my healing process.

That's a very personal decision to make. And I know it's not an easy one. Keep us updated and make sure you are taking care of YOU!

~RQ

Hmmm. As RQ says its very personal and entirely up to you but I have a suggestion.

Finances are q important in Plan B. It brings independence and the abilty to treat yourself and heal comfortably with zero contact from the wayward. The less contact the more healing.

Plus divorced people in Plan B HAVE remarried. A new marriage for a new start.

Its unlikely you'd be ready to date for some time, until you've had some healing in Plan B.

I would look at taking the D option if that makes you most comfortable, setting up high boundaries around the OS for a set period in Plan B where you would still consider a recovery.

When you reach a point where you feel strong, healed and totally 'done' you can tell your IM you're not interested in recovery any more.

That means even if he contacts her with a fully repentant attitude, you don't have the message passed on to you.

I plan on doing this after my D is final. Up until then he gets a shot and I feel good about allowing the marriage every chance.

But you can set a time limit after the D.

Whatever you decide Plan B has to be the perfect world for you to heal in.

I cannot do many things for myself right now bc I have to support him to a degre due to my income and benefits. At least if he signs he signs all of my financial support away. It's a big difference once its final. He'd be rocking 75 dollar Lacoste polos shirts while he watched her tend bar in this awful strip mall place in the middle of nowhere. Seemingly there isn't anything I can do if I want to get the best financial deal which would be for him to sign these documents. Otherwise, I'll likely need to give him half of things and it makes me sick if it were to come to that. That's why I keep coming to D financially ASAP, to protect me. Emotionally, I'm not as certain, that's the grey area. I feel like its necessary, but I don't want it.
My IC tells me we can always get together after divorce if he does the work, therefore, that should not mean there is no chance in the future for a relationship, but it will help to ensure he's serious as I won't be an automatic plan B just waiting there bc we're married.

The Art of War and Plan B conclusion in that situation would be to D.

You have to stop meeting his needs in Plan B and if FS is a biggie, take it away!

Art of War says make moves which strengthen you and weaken opponent.

And you could remarry, that's true.

Emotionally I think the important thing is you keep boundaries high to prevent dating before you're healed.

And to just focus on you.

The realtor contacted me, she's not pleased. He told her he's not agreeing to reduce the house price and he now is withdrawing his approval to sell. Both of us must approve moving forward as everything is equally in our names. The realtor knows we have no contact but told me as this is something I need to know because I now may need to get my lawyer involved to try to keep it moving. no matter what happens, we cannot continue to afford this house, and I wouldn't want to live there anyway. Big sigh.

What does your divorce papers say about marital property? Is there anything in there about selling the house? I would call your lawyer and find out what she says about it.

I felt the same way about our home. I couldnt bear to live there again and it saddens me when I see it.

If he doesn't want to sell the house, fine, then he can refinance it and pay you for your share. He can't just have everything his way, what HE wants, and a lawyer is just the one to let him know it.

Well if he signs there is a division agreement of how much we each need to pay to maintain the property/home while its actively on the market to sell. So it would need to remain on the market.

Basically I've been trying to avoid spending excess money to have my lawyer file motions to try to force anything regarding the house as it hasn't been absolutely necessary yet. None of his threats have planned out so far.

However, I will need to do so if he decides he doesn't want to sign and this is really the path he's taking without really doing what he needs to do to repair things. That's why I'm trying to determine what he's really doing, before I decide to spend the money to involve the lawyer further.

It's frustrating.

I gotcha, on the lawyer costing so much.

I just hate to see him calling the shots about selling the house, at what price, etc. You shouldn't be stuck with a house you don't want just because he isn't cooperative.

My lawyer is saying that until he does something to actually stop it, more than whine, complain, try to delay etc and as long as he's still paying the mortgage and ulitites in the same manner as prior to the separation date and we cannot say for sure that any tactics are causing the house not to sell, there isn't likely much a judge will do so it's kind of a waste of money to file any motion yet. Our listing agreement is up in a month and if he refuses to renew it prior to that provided it doesn't sell, that would be something can can file a motion for to try to force to keep it moving forward.

So let's look at your options.

Rent the property out, splitting the rental income and paying an agency to manage the rental.

Could you move in yourself? I'm in the marital home and a redecorating blitz works wonders in making it yours.

If the wayward knows you're in the home, safe and happy and not talking to them, they just want you out of there and become more amenable to selling.

Indie, WH is currently residing in the home.

Yes, but he will need to be kicked out for her Plan B.

I know Mo isn't keen on living there after that but there're advantages to be considered.

If she is there, actively keeping him out, he can't enjoy the house, and then he will be keener to get his monetary share of it and agree to sell.

Right now he thinks he can hem and haw and not have to give up anything.

Finding his bags packed and a Plan B letter should disillusion him of that.

The sale/refinance of the house can be dealt with as part of the D.

Right now she needs him out and Plan B.

If you click the link in my sig, it will guide you with preps.

Indie.

Plan B means nothing in no fault states (I assume MO lives in a no fault state)here. The state does not even recognize A's as admissible for grounds of D although there is a space to write it in. I did.

Like it or not a WayWard who is really WayTurd still has legal rights. Since both names are on the house a judge will not even consider this matter.

Now if there is threat of violence or physical abuse thats a different matter and then a temporary restraining order will be considered and will only be temp until you both appear in court. The plaintiff needs to provide evidence of imminent danger or harm. Without it the order will be dropped.

Early on we encouraged Mo to cash in on some retirement she had to stay in the home as prep for PLB. Obviously she did not.

Yes-In PLB she needs WH wayturd out since even a few weeks ago he had begun turning their house into a skankshack.

Like it or not

NOW HE CAN DRAG HIS FEET LEGALLY (NO PHYSICAL VOLENCE OR ABUSE Toward MO) OR MO CAN FIND A PITBULL LAYWER AND PERSUE THIS FAST.

She can get a laywer to write this into their agreeement with cost. Each time a change is made the clock for response starts ticking again. Thats how some D's go well over a year or more. Most no fault states D is under 9 months.

From experience and just for the record legally even after D if the property is in joint tenancy the OS has the right to be on the property just as much as the OS.

WAYTURDS SUCK DONKEY
























FEET.

nESRE

7 19 12


Perfectly legal. A WayTurd thing to do.

nESRE

I think I may be happy the leasing agreement may be up...I'm just not certain I can trust the agent. Possibly that is simply me being paranoid, but she is just saying things to me in an odd manner now, and saying she'll send emails but then doesn't and then texts me about how awkward things suddenly are and she thinks it's best of she doesn't send the email over the weekend...she's never been like that before, always very proactive. I have no idea why things would suddenly be awkward for her, nothing has changed as far as that is concerned, unless she knows something I don't.
I assume something like that is why everyone suggested I stay in the house myself, but I feel like I don't even care if he has her there at this point. My NC was broken thurs am by one of his family members that got to me through a new temp switchboard employee at work that transferred the call in. I didnt recognize the number as I'm horrible remembering nor the voice at first and got an upset earful quickly. Apparently he got really drunk on wed and told his mom I always hated her (not true), his sister hates her (not true), his gma (her mom) rants about her (not quite true), and to ask me about a guy that inappropriately pursued me (I did not reciprocate and WH knew of him), since everyone thinks I'm so perfect. I don't know anything else because I didn't continue the conversation but that seems fairly out of control to me, hence making my current no contact seem to be the best thing for me.
I miss something though, feeling lonely as usual. Not him, maybe the him I thought was there as I think back to this time last year when I thought everything was great. Sigh.
My cousin asked me to be in her wedding a yr from now. I assume 6 months or a yr from now I might be ok so I'm going to tell her yes I guess, though I'd give almost anything not to, it's the last thing I want to think about right now.
Everything really is fine though, it's been a much smoother week since no one has contacted me except on Thursday and I know that has nothing to do with me at all. It's been nice to be with my friend who is happy to have someone here so she's not alone. At least I feel like I'm able to do a little something for someone else with my presence.

MO, glad to hear that you are remaining dark (for the most part). Yes, we wanted you in the house and him out, but you are doing what works for you.
That's very odd about the realtor. You might have to just straight out ask her if she has a problem with the situation so you know if you need another realtor or not.

I'm in the exact same boat. My H is legally entitled to be in the house. No judge will help me with that.

But the locks are changed and he's not getting in. End of. If he ever broke in, hed get kicked out again. When the law won't protect you you have to do it yourself.


OK, but is that tactically smart? If he's allowed to turn into his skank shack, he's not going to want to cooperate and sell it.

Trying to beat him out using a lawyer and legal agreements is going to be lengthy and expensive and will affect your healing timescales.