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Ma'am, those books CANNOT get to you fast enough! With another man you Walked, worked out, drank coffee, rode bikes... mostly hugged when leaving each other...Kissed him once without worrying about hurting your husband. Suddenly to you it's more damaging to tell him that you're THINKING about OM, than to actually have DONE those things with OM? Knock off the self-protective veneer, my friend. We don't do that here! Let's look at it this way. In the ship "SS Marriage", you've punched a huge hole in the side of the vessel you maintain, and are worried about telling your partner, who deals with the other side? ![[Linked Image from catholicnewsagency.com]](http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/images/size340/Search_For_Survivors_Continues_On_Cruise_Ship_Costa_Concordia_Credit_Tullio_M_Puglia_Getty_Images_News_Getty_Images_CNA_World_Catholic_News_1_18_11.jpg) And you should probably ask the moderators to move this thread to "Surviving an Affair".
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I answered my husband's questions: He asked if I was attracted to other man, Yes, somewhat. What did we do together? Walked, worked out, drank coffee, rode bikes. Mostly public places. Any physical contact? mostly hugged when leaving each other. Any sexual contact? Kissed him once near end of friendship. (that is when it got complicated and had to end)  Does your husband believe that story?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It is understandable that you miss how your affair partner made you feel. He was meeting some of your most important emotional needs. I don't know that telling your husband that you miss the OM will be helpful - because what you probably miss are the feelings, not the person.
Telling your husband your needs are not being met and helping him learn to become an expert at meeting those needs would be helpful. What could you do that you haven't tried already to accomplish this?
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4tomorrow, would your husband come here and give his perspective?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Not that your story is untrue, I just don't know any single guys that would invest that much time in a woman if there wasn't more than just hugging going on.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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Not that your story is untrue, I just don't know any single guys that would invest that much time in a woman if there wasn't more than just hugging going on. That was my feeling exactly. It just doesn't ring true. The story is too pat and sounds very minimized. It has been watered down to sound like a friendship with a chick. That is why I would like to hear if her husband believes it. I have read thousands of affair stories spanning 11 years on this forum and this one doesn't make any sense.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Not that your story is untrue, I just don't know any single guys that would invest that much time in a woman if there wasn't more than just hugging going on. Not that your story is untrue, I just don't know any single guys that would invest that much time in a woman if there wasn't more than just hugging going on. That was my feeling exactly. It just doesn't ring true. The story is too pat and sounds very minimized. It has been watered down to sound like a friendship with a chick. That is why I would like to hear if her husband believes it. I have read thousands of affair stories spanning 11 years on this forum and this one doesn't make any sense. I am not sure why I should water anything down. No one here knows who I am, why would I? And yes, my husband believes me. The other man dated during the time I knew him, it wasn't like I was his only friend. Before I was married my best friend was a man, we also did lots of recreational things together. We never crossed the line into romantic behaviour EVER!! We were friends until we both got married and moved to towns far away from each other. The rare times I have seen him since then, I have hugged him and his wife right in front of my husband. I don't believe that just because a person has their plumbing the opposite of mine means that we have to jump into bed together.
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It is understandable that you miss how your affair partner made you feel. He was meeting some of your most important emotional needs. I don't know that telling your husband that you miss the OM will be helpful - because what you probably miss are the feelings, not the person.
Telling your husband your needs are not being met and helping him learn to become an expert at meeting those needs would be helpful. What could you do that you haven't tried already to accomplish this? I gave my husband the questionaire about most important emotional needs and it caused an argument. My need for physical touch is way down and my recreational need is way up. His recreational need is way down and physical is on top. We are total opposites  I am not sure what to try next, still waiting for the books. So, from reading this I should "not" tell him I am sad because I miss my best friend? I was thinking it was part of being open and honest. fyi, he knew of my friendship with this man, it wasn't a secret. What he didn't know was how deep our feelings were getting and that I kissed him.
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I am not sure why I should water anything down. I can think of lots of reasons why you would water it down and i am sure you can too. After all, your main concern here when you signed up was other posters being "too harsh." Which is typically a fear of waywards who are concealing an affair. Not to mention that your story just doesn't ring true. Before I was married my best friend was a man, we also did lots of recreational things together. We never crossed the line into romantic behaviour EVER!! But you already told us you DID cross the line, so that analogy doesn't work. I get the sense that you are leaving out the main of the story hoping you can get some help by telling half the story. it won't work, btw.
Last edited by MelodyLane; 08/07/12 12:25 AM.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
fyi, he knew of my friendship with this man, it wasn't a secret. What he didn't know was how deep our feelings were getting and that I kissed him. Does he know it was an affair now?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, he knows I kissed him and that we had feelings for each other.
I think I mentioned that in an earlier post.
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It sounds to me like you have downplayed the affair as a "friendship." That would explain your husbands strange reaction.
You do understand that folks can't help you unless they have the truth, right? Not only would it not help you, but it would be a waste of our valuable time.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you understand boundaries? Have you read this? Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Before I was married my best friend was a man, we also did lots of recreational things together. We never crossed the line into romantic behaviour EVER!! But you already told us you DID cross the line, so that analogy doesn't work. [/quote] I mentioned my friend from before to say to kilted_thrower that it is possible for people to be friends with nothing more. I know single guys who are "just friends" with women Not that your story is untrue, I just don't know any single guys that would invest that much time in a woman if there wasn't more than just hugging going on.
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One common mistake that waywards make is they will try to get help for their marriage without giving up their OM or being honest with their husbands. Since they know that the board won't help them unless they do those 2 things, they lie about it, imagining they can fix a marriage based on lies and deceit.
But it doesn't work. It is just a waste of everyone's time. That is what I suspect is going on here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I mentioned my friend from before to say to kilted_thrower that it is possible for people to be friends with nothing more. I know single guys who are "just friends" with women You just said you had an affair with him, though, so you proved his theory correct. And I don't believe for a minute you had an affair for 3 years and didn't sleep with him. That is just not believable.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I should add that kiltedthrower, while a very shrewd guy, has not seen thousands of affairs over 11 years on the SAA board and HE didn't think your story rang true.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I mentioned my friend from before to say to kilted_thrower that it is possible for people to be friends with nothing more. That's an interesting point of view, and I'm sure it must feel great to be right about this, but people who hold this view typically don't wind up with happy fulfilling marriages...
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You just said you had an affair with him, though, so you proved his theory correct. And I don't believe for a minute you had an affair for 3 years and didn't sleep with him. That is just not believable. I cannot help what you believe or not, but the truth isn't going to change just to make it more interesting for you. I have told him everything that happened and have done all the steps I could find on how to safeguard our marriage from seeing the other man again, but it doesn't change the situation with my husband that my original question dealt with. My question is, If you are in an emotionally abusive marriage and your spouse refuses to meet your needs because he feels you don't meet his so "why should he", how do you get them met? I have heard people say that God will meet your needs but that is spiritual, what about earthly? Can a girlfriend offer enough support?
I have been here quite a while without posting and have read most of the resources so I kinda know what should happen, but he refuses. I got some direction as to where to go from the first couple replies so will start there, and read the books when I get them. If anyone else has any other constructive advice I would still love to hear it.
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Can you afford the coaching center?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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