I have been with my husband almost 10 years. Over the course of the ten years we have had issues with his friendships online and more recently offline.

I was paying a cellphone bill when I noticed it was unusually high. We have a shared family plan and if you call someone outside of you friends and family list your minutes get used up faster.

At first I thought maybe it was my daughter since she is a teenager and has many friends. But it wasn't. My husband had been dialing one particular number some days up to 8 times and the phone calls were long ranging from 15 to 70 minutes. there were also massive amounts of text messaging. Close to over 100 in a week.

When I asked about the number he claimed it was a coworker. I didn't buy it and of course dialed it from home and a woman picked up. He went into hysterics trying to explain that the woman was his co workers mistress and that at first he was away and he was calling her on his behalf. But after speaking to the coworker who admitted that was his friend was a little surprised that my husband was calling and texting her that often.

When I spoke to her she was rude and kept calling me a fool and told me how I don't appreciate my husband and how he is a good man. I asked her what was the deal between them two and she pretty much just said "whatever he said". After her jerkiness I was upset with my husband and everyone. The story just doesn't add up. My H called her a ridiculous amount of times and I feel that unless there is an interest that just doesn't happen. I told him I was leaving with the kids and he started crying saying he didn't do anything. The only thing he did wrong was talk to her.

I still can't help but feel betrayed. I have told him in the past how we don't communicate much and how lonely I felt. Then I find this out. I made the decision not to leave, but I am not sure what to do now. When I am alone with my thoughts it's dangerous.

My husband has answered all of my questions in regards to this person. But it is still upsetting. I feel like I don't have the whole truth. My H swears he is sorry and has cruised for days straight.

I have been through so much with him, whether it be friends on FB or just knowing he'd rather speak to someone that is not me.

I am planning to call a marriage counselor but I wanted other people's opinion about how I am handling this. Is there something else I should be doing? I feel numb.

Q

Querida, welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry you've had to find your way here, but we can help you. First of all, understand that your husband is eyeballs-deep in an affair. You'll need to fight this, and we have the tools here.

I'm going to pull some of your quotes out of your post to respond to separately: This is called 'gas-lighting'. It's something a wayward does to try to convince a skeptical spouse that what she's seeing isn't really what she's seeing. Ignore this. As you've seen, he's lying.
They didn't have their 'story' together so she was caught flat-footed when you confronted her. Affair stories never do. That's one of the ways you know something's wrong. Because you HAVE been betrayed. Your instincts and emotions are working just fine. This is unlikely. He has probably told you the little bit he had to in order to calm you down so he can continue the affair. I'm not sure what this means. Don't waste your time and money on a marriage counselor. They won't be able to help you.

Your first goal is to kill this affair. You say they are co-workers. You need to expose this affair in their workplace to their employer.

What's the deal with the other woman? Is she married? Can you track her down on Facebook?

Do you have children together?

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Amen to everything MaritalBliss said.

Get a copy of Surviving an Affair and read it asap. Read Exposure 101. Read Plan A and Plan B, understanding Plan A comes first. There is a lot of material on this site, but start there.

Welcome Querida,
This sounds almost identical to my post 7 months ago. MY WH had an EA with a "just a friend" co-worker that developed into a PA. Your H's behavior is a big red flag to me and I'm sure the co-worker is more than a friend. Get spyware on the phone and Plan A like a rockstar until you have the goods. Do as MB said and read about Plan A and Plan B. Do not confront him anymore. He will just deny it and make you think you are crazy. Don't believe a word he says, either. Waywards lie to protect themselves.
Sorry you are going through this
~RQ

PS. If he is genuinely sorry, he needs to leave his job and have no contact for life with the skank ASAP

My husband has answered all of my questions in regards to this person. No, he has not!

My husband has fabricated lies to all of my questions in regards to this person. This, he has done!

Schedule a polygraph for Mr. Innocent. Net/net there need only be one question: "Has everything you told me about your relationship with this woman been the truth?" When he refuses to submit to the poly, or when he fails it, you'll at least know more about the problem in your marriage.

Are you married, querida?

Here are some good reads.
What are Plan A and Plan B?
Exposure 101
Carrot and Stick of Plan A
Thread to help newly Betrayed Spouses
Please explain gaslighting

great links BH!

Q, i am sorry you are here. but everything posted to you so far is dead on. your WH is deep in an affair, and now that he knows you know, they will try to hide it even more. you need to hop over to the "operation investigate" board and dig up everything you can now, and save every last bit of it, in electronic and paper copies away from your WHs prying eyes and fingers. get a flashdrive and keep it on your person or in a safe place. go through his phone and forward every contact (between them) to yourself.

right now, you need to snoop, snoop, snoop, and plan a. DO NOT tell your WH about MB at this time! <--very important!

your WHs tears are crocodile tears, because you busted him. do not believe anything he says right now, as he is addicted to the "drug" of OW, and has no idea which way is up, and is going to keep gaslighting you until you can expose. do read the exposure link BH has posted, and get ready to do it in one fell swoop. DO NOT tell/threaten your WH about this! it is not as effective if the WS has time to start gaslighting others with a rewritten history of your M!

hang in there, girl. help is at hand. you need to be strong to fight this battle.

Thanks everyone. I am still hurting over this. We had a scheduled vacation last week to Jamaica. I didn't cancel. We decided to go. Things went well but then there were some triggers that caused me to erupt. He got upset and threw a bottle of soda across the room and told me he couldn't live this way with me.

I explained that the nonsense of the OW didn't exactly make him out to be innocent. in fact he was arguing that he felt I was too controlling. Words that home wrecker said to me and stated he was only with me because he had no where else to go.

This woman doesn't work with him and she is not married. I have blocked her number and check my H cell records daily. He has allowed me to track his phone while he is at work. He is a police officer. I beleive he met her through his Sargeant who was childhood friends with him but tried to convince me that it is he who is having the affair with this woman.

I did get an upsetting call at work. I beleive it was her whispering to me that my husband had an affair with this woman. When I asked who it was she said her friend. I let my H and his Sargeant know. At that point his Sargeant said he didn't want to play any sides and did not want to talk about it anymore.

My H had nothing to say. I have been trying to get appointments for marriage counseling but have not found an available person as of yet. I am doing my best to deal with this.

My husband has been more agreeable to everything I ask of him. But I feel like its happening moreso out of guilt. He did spend many days crying. I did not mean to write cruised on my original post. crocodile tears perhaps.

I really don't want to go through this again. I am definetly preparing myself for the worst. Our relationship is damaged and he keeps telling me he loves me. How can you love me and hurt me like that?

Triggers do not cause you to erupt.

You allow yourself to when faced with one.

You can express your feelings without anger.

It is a love buster. A huge one. One Dr. Harley says is totally under your control.

Here was the question from your first post:

I wanted other people's opinion about how I am handling this. Is there something else I should be doing?

Here are the suggestions you got in reply:

Don't waste your time and money on a marriage counselor.

Your first goal is to kill this affair. You need to expose this affair in their workplace to their employer.

Get a copy of Surviving an Affair and read it asap. Read Exposure 101. Read Plan A and Plan B.

Get spyware on the phone and Plan A like a rockstar until you have the goods and read about Plan A and Plan B. Do not confront him anymore. Don't believe a word he says, either.

Schedule a polygraph for Mr. Innocent.

You need to hop over to the "operation investigate" board and dig up everything you can now, and save every last bit of it, in electronic and paper copies away from your WHs prying eyes and fingers. Get a flashdrive and keep it on your person or in a safe place. Go through his phone and forward every contact (between them) to yourself.

Do read the exposure link BH has posted, and get ready to do it in one fell swoop. DO NOT tell/threaten your WH about this!

To help us track your progress, please go through the list above and tell us which of the priceless suggestions you have completed. Thanx.

You have been on this forum since 1998.
Why would you call a marriage counselor?

Did you use any MB principles in this marriage?

I encourage you to read Surviving An Affair.

Really, following MB principles should have been part of your vows sinc you were aware of them prior to marriage. Reading through your past posts it seems you use this forum as a discussion board of personal opinions rather than a board to discuss MB principles that work

Ditto to the last two posts.

I did not get a counselor as of yet.
I have been a member since 1998. I was divorced due to an affair and remarried in 2004.
I did speak to my husbands supervisor. He doesn't want to hear it.
I have a gps on his phone and look at all of his cell records. He does not delete messages until I read them.
I need to know more before I can feel comfortable executing any love busters or put plans in motion.

I agree I need to control my eruptions. Working on it.

At first I was gonna suggest you try to snoop out the truth (see the operation investigate forum) BEFORE tipping your hand and demanding a polygraph because he may be easier to catch if you lay low on the confrontation a few days acting like you accept his bullcrap explanations, however, I see he's a cop so getting the truth may be difficult and problematic (illegally taping a cop with a VAR might get you in trouble).

However I also would fear your husband would agree to a polygraph figuring he'll likely KNOW or be able to influence any polygraph examiner you may hire locally. You'll need to really go far to find an examiner that's not an ex or current cop that you can trust to not throw a poly for your husband.

Is the Sergeant married? If the story is that he's the one having an affair with this woman, you might try going to speak to his wife and have HER get the truth about this matter.

Exposure is your best chance at saving your marriage.

As far as a marriage counselor. MOST are worthless. Get yourself educated here on MB first and then, later on and once you're husband is on board (counseling with an active wayward in particular is counter-productive because they use the session(s) to further justify their behavior and then claim "they tried") you can search for a MB type counselor locally that MAY exist. That being said, my wife and I were both comfortable recovering here on the MB forums and with a Dr. Harley seminar later on and didn't use a local counselor at all.

Good luck....sorry you had to come here in the first place. Whatever happens...YOU will make it.

Mr. W

Thanks Mr. Wondering. I agree about with everyone about marriage counseling. Tried with my first husband and it was a big mistake, He only tried to justify his actions and then announced while I was 4 months pregnant with our second child and our oldest only a year that he didn't love me and was upset that I bore children without giving him the option to decide if we should abort. We were married over 5 years, who the he** says that. After the divorce I spent almost 5 years in therapy dealing with the anger. So I understand HDW's reaction to his wife's actions. I wasn't as lucky as him as to have the OW leave this life due to illness. I just had to deal.

When I married the second time, no I didn't expect to Be in this place again. I am dealing with someone who did not tell me the truth and I am sure he never will. The OW is a belligerent ghetto queen who has no class. Talking to her is a complete waste of time.

My husband being a cop only makes it worse because his "brothers" will lie for him.

I feel angry and know how to handle those emotions. I am trying to determine how to go forward with this. My son 16, and my daughter 15, want me to give him and the marriage a chance. They keep reminding me that my H does not want to leave or end our marriage. The OW's words haunt me though. She stated my H thought I was too controlling and wiould have left me a long time ago but he had no place to go. Just makes me upset at the kinds of conversations that went on. I have to wonder how he really feels about me.

He has been loving since I discovered the lie. I just cannot reciprocate yet. The OW called me a fool and I feel like one.

Do you know the name of the OW?

Does she have facebook? Is she married? If she has facebook have you saved all her contacts for exposure?

When are you planning to expose?

Once you have all of the OW's info, you need to do a nuclear exposure. Tell your friends, his parents, his brothers, his sisters, her parents, her siblings, their facebook friends, etc. This has to be done all at once and without any warning.
Expect their anger, expect your WH to say "well I was going to end it until you did this", they all say the same things because they are angry that their naughty behavior has been dragged into the open.

Just tell him "I'm doing what I have to to fight for this marriage. Now what would you like for dinner?"

PS. Don't take to heart what the OW has said, she is a selfish liar too. She will say anything to make you look bad..to him and yourself.

I understand the need to vent, believe me, I've been there...but what will help is not dwelling on what's happened, what's been said, etc., but having a plan! MB gives you a plan. Have you read Surviving an Affair, Plan A, Plan B, POJA, Lovebusters? There is a lot of work ahead, and the beginning can seem overwhelming. Read Exposure 101 and begin your planning. You will need to expose to everyone, his family/friends, your family/friends, hers, don't leave anyone out...including workplace, cop or no cop. It may not do any good, but do it anyway. Don't settle for trickle exposure, it doesn't work.

Dr Harley says exposure is a good way to measure if the affair is really over.
If the wayward spouse reacts in a very negative way then that is a red flag.