Guys, I need strength. I am being tested on my emotional capabilities. Wife wants to quit and we have 2 kids.

My marriage of 9 years has been plain and simple. We didn't fight much, but we didn't do anything too special either. I think that we both did few things stupid during the marriage and they were not too big to break the relationship. The biggest complaint against me is that I am not emotionally available and I tend not to disclose things (Not that I lie, but I am not chatty about the things that I do)

My biggest hurt is coming from the mother in law. MIL is staying with us for the past few months to take care of the kids. And her dislike for me is instigating my wife to take this extreme step.

I don't like to lose her nor the kids. My wife is discrediting any promises that I am making since she thinks that I have broken them. I may not be thinking straight at this point. So please somebody suggest me what I can do to fix this and get my life back..

I begged and pleaded already .. I truly think that she can forgive me if she thinks that I can change or have changed.. How can I prove that to her..

Thanks

Welcome to Marriage Builders.
The good news is that if you follow this program, you have a very good chance of winning your wife back. Have you read the Basic Concepts?

I would suggest that you click "Notify" at the bottom of your post and ask the Mods to move your thread to MB101. You will get more attention and help there.

Hi, NewBeginnings, welcome to Marriage Builders.

You can win her back. It is likely going to take effort over time. Instead of begging and pleading, focus on demonstrating those changes, and simply state your desire to remain married and give your wife a wonderful marriage that will be fulfilling for both of you.

Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site? Have you read how Dr. Harley learned to save marriages, and how he is able to get couples to fall in love with each other again?

I agree with the suggestion to ask the mods to move your thread to MB101.

Hi NewBeginnings, welcome to MB!

Have you read this article? It might give you some insight into making your marriage "special" and helping your wife fall in love with you again. If Brainhurts were here, you'd be getting tons of great links, but this'll have to do for now.

How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html

And by the way, your MIL wouldn't have a leg to stand on if your wife weren't already struggling in your marriage, so I think you might want to let that one go - it's just a distraction at this point. Focus on your wife's love bank...and you'll succeed.

Welcome to MB! First problem I see is get MIL out of your house. She is no friend to your marriage. I wouldn't put up with blatant disrespect in my own home, mother-in-law or not. Her job is to help with the kids, not interfere in your marriage. Follow the advice you've been given so far but you've really got to put your foot down with your MIL.

What trust are you rebuilding? What have you done to break trust?

No.

His mother-in-law would not have a leg to stand on if she wasn't allowed to be the third person in the marriage.

Substitute MIL with AP, and see how that statement sounds.

MIL needs to either; a) butt out, or b) get packin'.


And if she cannot learn to respect the marriage and the OP, she will have to be sent packing PERMANENTLY.

It is a terrible thing to force your spouse to tolerate disrespectful family members.

Therefore, using my mighty hammer, I call upon the power of BrainHurts... and hope she has a quick reference to Dr. Harley talking about why he didn't bring Joyce around his parents very often...

A good clip on in-laws.
Radio clip on in-laws

I will look for the clip Triple H mentioned.

You. Are. The. Best.


Thank you.

You're welcome, friend.

Here's another.
Radio clip on in-laws

Zhamila,

Thanks for the link. I read through the article and the links in it. Opens my mind to many areas that I did not pay attention to. I probably will be categorized by wife under "Independent behavior" Love buster category. Because she thinks that I am emotionally distant and not caring for her feelings.

Your MIL comment agrees with my wife's assessment as well. She thinks that MIL is making it easy for her to move on and nothing else. Though I agree to it some part, I noticed that everytime my wife had an outburst the MIL was angry at me prior to that. So I think the W is influenced by MIL.

My MIL will be leaving in few days and I do not want to confront her now and make the matters worse. But some of you might disagree with that and I need to put my foot down with MIL so that she doesn't interfere again, right?

My immediate hope is that my W will talk to me soon on the relationship topic. She said the D decision is already made and we are moving on. I love my kids and do not want to lose them. I love my wife too, and I am realizing it now after all this.

I had promised my wife that I won't show any "Independent behavior" (as in Love busters), but she thinks that I have violated that. So she has lost trust in my words. And I haven't done any big violation, but just ignored her wishes in few cases. Now I realize those were very important for her but seemed trivial to me.

Please help me with your wisdom/prayers so that I can correct myself and hoping to get back my W/kids.

Are you familiar with POJA? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

"Just ignored her wishes in few cases" is a huge violation of POJA, and might be your ticket to getting your wife to try MB--that won't happen anymore.

CWMI,

What do you mean by "that won't happen anymore"? I am willing to make sure that ignoring won't happen anymore .. did you mean anything else .. please elaborate..

Ignoring her feeling AND not disclosing what you're doing--both of those are impossible with POJA. If those are her problems with you, POJA solves them.

You can likely sell her on POJA. You will have to check with her before you do anything, so she will always know what you are doing.

CWMI,

I will propose POJA to her .. but what is a good way to make her talk to me on the relationship topic .. she says the decision is made already .. how can I get her to be open about discussing further .. thanks

Have you read this?
How To Make Your Wife Happy

Start by reading articles. Tell her that you've been blind and realize you haven't been meeting her needs. Tell her you want to make it up to her by learning to be the husband that she's always need.

NewBeginnings,

You are getting great advice here.

I'm sorry, I missed the part about your MIL living with you. Though I agree with the others that this is a major problem, it sounds like she's leaving soon. Good.

I agree with KiltedThrower:

Start proving it to her TODAY - that you will consider her feelings in everything you do, and not sweep her complaints and requests under the rug. You might even show her some of the articles, and see what she thinks?

You have a HUGE advantage if you continue to prove your care for her: you are the father of her children. Please take this opportunity to begin building a romantic, fulfilling marriage with your wife. This will have to take priority over everything else: kids, job, your hobbies and interests (not just now, for life).

Just a quick side note: A woman does not contemplate divorce without having thought about it and agonized for a long time: I would gently suggest you take her concerns very seriously and follow through. Oh, and you might want to start listening to MB radio every day - really helpful!

...and Dr. Harley says that husbands who get on board have a GREAT chance at winning their wives back, so you've got lots in your corner.

Good luck! You're in the right place!

Don't be distracted by this. Your MIL needs to get out of your house. She has no business being there. If you need child care, HIRE CHILD CARE. Her presence in YOUR home allows your wife the luxury of no longer being the Alpha Mom. She can complain to her mother about simple things that mean nothing - those things will take on a life of their own if Mommy encourages her to be unhappy and to continue complaining. Unfortunately, your MIL believes that supporting her daughter means agreeing with and supporting everything her daughter says. She SHOULD be telling her daughter to stop complaining to her and to talk to you instead.

I would suggest you stop with the begging and pleading (Helloooo! Unattractive and unmanly!!!) and get your MIL's [censored] out of the house. Tomorrow. Help her pack if need be. Let your wife know that you want to have a fantastic marriage, but it's going to take two of you to do that.

Tell her about this site. Let her know that there are tools here for a fantastic marriage. And USE THEM.

And also let her know that, if she really, really wants to go, you can't stop her. Let her know that you and your children will be sorry to see her go because you all love her so much.

Because she's not taking the kids with her. And Grandma isn't going to be seeing much of the kids, either. Be crystal clear on that. The kids stay in their own home. And you're not going anywhere, either. Sorry, ladies!