Hi all, I have an update and a pressing question. I posted about my sister a while back. She had been considering leaving her H for several years now because of his OCD/hoarding issues, and his refusal to get help. She has gone back and forth on this for a while now, going from "I'm done" to "I feel led to give the marriage another try" several times over. This summer she informed me that someone at her workplace was "paying attention" to her and that it felt really nice. They danced together, is all I know. I also came to learn that she had kissed another man while at a conference a couple of years ago, and also went out for lunch with an ex-boyfriend (this, also, was a couple of years ago). I told my parents about all this, and they initally confronted her about the behavior (yea!) but have since backpedalled (saying "there is no condemnation" etc.). I want to tell her H about all of this for obvious reasons, but my father basically threatened me to not go forward with exposure (the threat was along the lines of "if you value your relationship with this family, you will not say anything"). In my parents' mind they don't feel that this situation is "as bad" as if she had actually slept with someone, and that really it's between the two of them.

My feeling is that her H deserves to know in order to protect himself and also because this is valuable information concerning HIS LIFE. I have no "proof" of a continuing affair, only what she told me about with her own words. I guess my sis thought that I would support her in this, since i have been upset with her H for not getting help, but I told her that she should not be living like a single person whilst married. I told her to basically s*** or get off the pot. She was extremely angry, told me to "slap a red letter on her chest" etc. etc. Your basic wayward-speak.

So please, have any of you had this kind fo situation, where your family basically threatens to disown you if you expose something that was already exposed by the wayward her-/himself? I am being forced to choose between the right thing and keeping my family. It is awful. Please help me!!

I also wanted to mention that she asked him to cash out his 401K so that she (SHE!) could buy a little house in their area. When he refused, she basically threatened to divorce him all over again. Am I dealing with a sociopath here? I know she has been feeling very alone and hurt in the relationship, but to be so mercenary with someone who is basically struggling to live with a mental illness... I just don't get it...

Her behavior is pointing to much more than she has admitted to you.

That's not an answer to your question, but I would say her H needs to know how his W is behaving behind his back. I think she's up to more than you know.

It's always the right thing to tell the truth. Her H deserves to know what is going on in his life. Tell him. I know it will be hard, but your relationship with your family will survive their temporary anger over exposure. You'd be doing the right thing here.

Yes. Tell. It's not your job to keep dirty secrets for other people. It is your job to tell your betrayed BIL the facts about his life.

Encourage him to get help with his addiction as part of fighting for his M.

The next time your sis tells you to slap a scarlet letter on her chest, very nicely tell her that she already did that herself. Refuse to own even a smidge of her bad choices.

It's likely to get worse before it gets better, but the truth being exposed is one of the biggest first steps toward getting your sis out of this mess. She's not a psychopath, she's a very standard, typical wayward.

Do you have any of what's she's told you in writing?

Unfortunately I do not. She told this to both me and my fiance, so at least we both heard the same thing.

Thanks so, so much to all who have responded thus far. I have gotten so many varying opinions from friends, everything from "maybe he doesn't want to know" to "yes you should bring her down and hard." My conscience tells me this is what I need to do, but I shudder at the thought of dropping that bomb into my BIL's life. He is such a sweet, kind human being...

Does it matter if she has already filed for divorce or plans to? I mean, if she is leaving him anyway...?

Her BH deserves the truth and you must tell him. Telling the truth is not bad. Your sister's and parent's actions a bad.

Thank you. I have generally been the "truth-teller" of my family and thus have tended to be the scapegoat. Once more wont kill me I guess. lol

Since you are honest and they are not, you might not want your future children to be around them much anyway. I hope your fiance's family is a great one for you.

About that little house: I hate to even defend your sister on this considering what she is doing to her husband, but the story hits a sore spot. My Aunt and Uncle were two of the greatest people on this planet, but he was a hoarder. She lived in that filth for about 60 years until she finally decided that she had to have her own house, separate from his. She loved him with all her heart until the day she died, but the house was taking her health away from her so she finally had to give up living with him to save her last few years.

If the reason the sis was doing this was the hoarding, I would fully support her. It's not, though. It's part and parcel of the wayward handbook.

Once she's fully clear of the A, in NC, and defogged, I would urge her to refuse to live with him while he hoards.

That is very sad. Thank you for sharing. That must have been very, very hard for your Aunt. I know my sister has always wanted security and the dream of the white picket fence. It seems like she's been trying to make her H into the person who can give her that. And with him so ill...

That is what I have been trying to encourage her to do, but it seems that there are benefits to keeping him writing the rent check while she does whatever it is she does

Do any of you want to hear MY story? I promise you it's exactly like all the other infidelity stories you've ever heard. lol

So what's your plan to tell him and when?

Yikes. lol I know you guys always espouse "the plan" and "having a plan." Which I agree is necessary. Right now I am facing disownment from my family (not just "temporary anger") so I am I guess trying to tamp down the doubts before I do anything.

Well we are here if you need help. I think you're doing the right thing.

Will your family really disown you for shining the truth?

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Does it matter if she is going to leave him anyway. There is a lot riding on this.

Oh, it will only be temporary anger.

I have a quite dis-functional family, and when I exposed my SIL, I wasn't disowned. As a matter of fact, my SIL isn't even mad at me for outing her. I didn't do it in a vindictive way. I have always told friends and family that if any of them have had an affair, and I found out about it, their spouse would also be told. WHen I exposed my SIL to her husband, I told everyone that I didn't tell BIL to leave her, but that he needed to have all of the info to make any decision he had in his life. If your BIL doesn't know all of the info, how can he make an informed decision? It could be that he would chose NOT to remain with an adulterer, and that is within his right.

And I hope that you don't really think it is okay for your sister to begin dating before she is divorced. Do you?