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Originally Posted by fifteenyears
I also feel that the leaving and threatening to end us is another way he has control over me. Again, one part of me stays, enough!

Do you listen to Dr. Harley on the radio? Regularly? I hear him address this from time to time. I wish I had some exact links for you, but I think it would be helpful for you to listen, daily.

Quote
Another part of me says that is selfish and after everything I have done, do I even have the right to ask for anything? I am so conflicted!!!

Suggestion: make analyzing your feelings the second step, and following the advice for your situation the first step. Go back and reread the article again, slowly, and then do some more reading, and then ACT.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
markos #2661910 09/05/12 08:04 PM
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Fifteen Years,
The article Marital posted is so good. My husband has been doing the same thing, and I felt that since I was the WW, I should just take it as part of getting what I deserved. However, our recovery has been so very hindered by the constant anger, bringing up the affair and him threatening to leave. I felt that I was in self-preservation mode. My husband saw it as me not trying hard enough to heal him.

Stale mate. Literally !

So I told him what I thought. It went something like this:
"I am committed to staying married to you. I am committed to NC with OM for life. I am proving that to you daily. I realize there is no excuse for what I did, and I am sorry. I feel your anger,bitterness and rage are self-defeating. Your threats to leave are self-defeating. This needs to stop. If you wish to divorce me, then do it now. For my part, I intend to keep working to make the best Finding Freedom I can be.

My husband was actually glad I stood up to him (I was respectful in this). He has worked hard since then to control himself, not bring up affair, etc. It has helped me feel relaxed enough to want to be in the same room with him.

Can you respectfully stand up for yourself and get your point across with strength. (no tears or whining).

Hugs to you 15. I think you are doing a good job.


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Originally Posted by FindingFreedom
Fifteen Years,
The article Marital posted is so good. My husband has been doing the same thing, and I felt that since I was the WW, I should just take it as part of getting what I deserved. However, our recovery has been so very hindered by the constant anger, bringing up the affair and him threatening to leave. I felt that I was in self-preservation mode. My husband saw it as me not trying hard enough to heal him.

Stale mate. Literally !

So I told him what I thought. It went something like this:
"I am committed to staying married to you. I am committed to NC with OM for life. I am proving that to you daily. I realize there is no excuse for what I did, and I am sorry. I feel your anger,bitterness and rage are self-defeating. Your threats to leave are self-defeating. This needs to stop. If you wish to divorce me, then do it now. For my part, I intend to keep working to make the best Finding Freedom I can be.

My husband was actually glad I stood up to him (I was respectful in this). He has worked hard since then to control himself, not bring up affair, etc. It has helped me feel relaxed enough to want to be in the same room with him.

Can you respectfully stand up for yourself and get your point across with strength. (no tears or whining).

Hugs to you 15. I think you are doing a good job.


Thank you so much FF, that is exactly what I needed to here!


Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11

Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I think it is best to let him go and not ream him in a divorce. He can't get over your betrayal and there never ever will be any trust between you two. After all, you have betrayed him not once but twice. Fool me once, shame on you...fool me again, shame on me. These are the consequences of your actions and hopefully in your next relationship, you won't make the same mistakes. Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Retycon
I think it is best to let him go and not ream him in a divorce. He can't get over your betrayal and there never ever will be any trust between you two. After all, you have betrayed him not once but twice. Fool me once, shame on you...fool me again, shame on me. These are the consequences of your actions and hopefully in your next relationship, you won't make the same mistakes. Good luck.
Retycon, she has never indicated that he's asked to be 'let go' and she has made no comments about 'reaming' him in a divorce. And I think you're presumptive to suggest that he can't get over the betrayal.

Let's keeping working Marriage Builders for a bit, shall we?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Originally Posted by Retycon
I think it is best to let him go and not ream him in a divorce. He can't get over your betrayal and there never ever will be any trust between you two. After all, you have betrayed him not once but twice. Fool me once, shame on you...fool me again, shame on me. These are the consequences of your actions and hopefully in your next relationship, you won't make the same mistakes. Good luck.
Retycon, she has never indicated that he's asked to be 'let go' and she has made no comments about 'reaming' him in a divorce. And I think you're presumptive to suggest that he can't get over the betrayal.

Let's keeping working Marriage Builders for a bit, shall we?


Reycon,

I was interested in your post to me this evening and decided to look at your other post. I noticed one you sent me July. First you asked me specific details about my affairs, personal questions which aren't your business. Then you asked about my H's affair and justified it. Finally, you assumed that I was staying with him because of his money.

Before you start making assumptions about people, why don't you read their threads first and get the correct story then you can decide to post what you think on their threads!!!!


Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11

Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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Quote
First you asked me specific details about my affairs, personal questions which aren't your business.

Actually, I suspect it is this poster's business. wink I'm willing to be wrong.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Neak #2661955 09/05/12 10:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Neak
Quote
First you asked me specific details about my affairs, personal questions which aren't your business.

Actually, I suspect it is this poster's business. wink I'm willing to be wrong.


Sorry Neak I have to disagree with you on this one. He asked specifically how many times I had sexual relations with my AP. Not sure how the number of times is relavent. Pretty sure just once is bad enough and in some cases the EA can be worse.

In addition he accused me of staying with my H because of money and justified my H's affair basically saying I deserved it.


I looked into Mr. R's other post and they are full of hate and marriage destroying advice. In addition, he has yet to post his own thread to let us know what is really bothering him.

Im going to bet it has something to do with MONEY...since he accused a number of people on here of staying with their spouses because of the $$.

Im not in the mood for people that are not on here to help out myself and my H.


Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11

Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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To come right out and say it plainly, this poster's veiled attacks of you and justification of your BH/WH's adultery, makes me wonder if they are one and the same person.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Originally Posted by fifteenyears
Originally Posted by Neak
Quote
First you asked me specific details about my affairs, personal questions which aren't your business.

Actually, I suspect it is this poster's business. wink I'm willing to be wrong.


Sorry Neak I have to disagree with you on this one. He asked specifically how many times I had sexual relations with my AP. Not sure how the number of times is relavent. Pretty sure just once is bad enough and in some cases the EA can be worse.

In addition he accused me of staying with my H because of money and justified my H's affair basically saying I deserved it.


I looked into Mr. R's other post and they are full of hate and marriage destroying advice. In addition, he has yet to post his own thread to let us know what is really bothering him.

Im going to bet it has something to do with MONEY...since he accused a number of people on here of staying with their spouses because of the $$.

Im not in the mood for people that are not on here to help out myself and my H.

You can notify the MODs if need Be.
Conflict Resolutions Procedures


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Neak #2661959 09/05/12 10:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Neak
To come right out and say it plainly, this poster's veiled attacks of you and justification of your BH/WH's adultery, makes me wonder if they are one and the same person.
Ahhhhh smirk


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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**edit**

moderator's note: please familiarize yourself with MB concepts before posting to those in need. This is not a personal opinion forum, but a forum to discuss and implement Marriage Builders concepts.

Any questions, shoot me an email!

Last edited by Fireproof; 09/05/12 10:22 PM. Reason: TOS non-MB material
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Hi 15.

Have not been on this forum much lately but just caught up on your situation. I'm praying he comes home to you tonight and you are able to figure some stuff out.

Your situation is very similar to mine, except my H didn't have a RA (that i know of) and has been amazing at not bringing my A up. I wonder if he brings up your A because of the guilt from his own... perhaps continuing A?

Anyways, thinking of you.



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My BS: 30
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Originally Posted by TheRoad
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by Gamma
fifteenyears,

I think it may be the combination of the pictures with the beginning of the school year, I believe you are a school teacher as was OM2. Are you still in the same building?

Your last D-day for your affair was less than a year ago so this behavior is understandable. I also think his RA didn't deliver the relief he expected it would, and feels like an even greater failure as a result.

God Bless
Gamma

fifteen, you said this in January 2012:

Originally Posted by fifteenyears
I have already offered to give my husband all of my information. He already has my email addresses on his phone. I have gotten off of FB, and my school email is being monitored by the district. Three weeks after the affair my H and I sent a letter to the OM. I have already been tested for STD's per my husbands request and my husband told both of our families everything the day that he found out. All of our friends, families, and all of my Co-Workers (entirely different story)know about the affair.

I told my husband that I would get a copy of our cell records from now on and he could do anything he wanted to check up on me. He said that he did not want me to feel like I was living like a prisoner for the rest of my life. The thing is, I don't care if I live like a prisoner. I deserve to live like a prisoner for what I have done. I wan't him to check up on me, to feel safe.

NeverGuessed, the only thing from your list above that I have not done and cannot do is, quit my job. The OM has been moved to another school and level completely. There is really no way that I could or would ever see him again.
So I see that OM does not work with you any more. However, you still work in a mixed environment, having had two affairs with co-workers. This also seems to be the same school in which you had your last affair, so it is not surprising that your H is triggered by your working there.

I read in your first thread that Neak advised you to find a job in an all-female environment. You never did that, it seems.

Why can't you give up your job until you find one that is suitable and that allows you to practice your EPs? I will tell you that I never felt safe after my H's long-running affair until he took early retirement last year, along with a drop in income (of course).

On an additional issue: I'm with those who think that your H is still in contact with his affair partner.

This no different then if the OM and her worked for a large corporation with many locations.

There is still the opportunity to break NC using work emails, work land lines.

Every school year starts out with 1 to 3 days of all the teachers in a district getting together for moral boosting, workshop, lunches, superintendent meeting, etc, at the highschool for it's the largest build.

Then there are conference days about twice a year with more work shops, organized lunches, and some teachers may have to go to meetings at other school buildings within the district.

This WW fails to admit that she can see OM car, OM in the hall, OM at a lunch, OM in the auditorium at Supt's meeting, any where, any time.

This WW can pull the eyes over on those that have not worked in a school setting.

This WW is putting her job first. This job is 1# in her life. All her BH sees is her actions are not the same as her talk.

I'll bet dollars to doughnuts start of school and those photos have her BH triggered.

You need more help then this board can give. You need to counsel with Dr Harley. Even if you have to counsel alone. Dr Harley has been know how to guide the WW to get the BH to eventually get on the phone.

Yes you told us you took the photos down.

How long were those photos on the wall before you took them down?
Originally Posted by TheRoad
[quote=fifteenyearsHe also CANNOT stop bringing up the A. He keeps going over and over in circles wanting me to give him answers that I don't have.

I cannot explain why I did it because there will never be a reason that justifies why? I am sickened by my weakness and actions. I think about it every day and it infuriates me, just as it does him. He keeps throwing Affair punches at me though and I don't know how much longer either of us can take it!


Another reason to talk with Dr H. He can help you give the answers your BH needs and get BH to understand them.[/quote]
Originally Posted by fifteenyears
I DO NOT NOR WILL I EVER see the OM again!! He is not allowed in or near my school. We are in a very large school district and our meetings are by building only. There will never be a chance that I see him again within the school.

In addition, our emails are monitored at school (all email addresses)and he now works in the same school and classroom with his wife.

Last night I offered to quit my job, to walk in the building and break my contract. I offered to move far away. He does not want any of that or at least that he what he is telling me.

Our conversation last night was painfully honest and my job came up. He said it does not matter what job I have or where I am at that he would not be able to trust me anywhere and it had nothing to do with where I am at.

We actually work together in the evenings at the golf course that he manages, this would probably be the only job I could have in which he would be safe. On the other hand he does not want me to quit my teaching job because our son goes to this school as well.

I would quit in a heart beat and told him this if I knew that it would make him feel safe and begin to trust me again and he knows this.

We have POJAd this a number of times and he says he does not want me to quit (he could just be saying that) but isn't that the point of POJA to discuss the matter and come to an enthusiastic agreement? Right now he does not want me to quit so I am offended that people are assuming that I am putting my job before my marriage.

In addition, the superintendent of our district has made it impossible for either of us to ever see each other again. I have requested to never work with a male teacher again and have reclused myself from a number of staff members male and female who I feel are lacking in morals. I am very happy with these changes that I have made for both myself and my spouse.


Well your school district employment is the exception not the rule. So I will believe NC is in place. Though Supt's retire. Buildings get closed. Staff can get moved to meet district needs as things change. So for now there is NC.

You did not have a good marriage. It appears that your POSBH has had a bunch of issues you got tired of dealing with and he was leaving many of your needs unmet. Leaving a person with weak boundaries ripe for the picking. OM plucked you off the tree into an affair.

Having a bunch of non pros helping. There are many good one's here, pepperband, melodylane, maritalbliss, the wonderings, melodylane jr. There are a bunch more that my poor memory can't recall at the moment. To those many more I have left out it was not ment as a slight. Just memory not as good as it was.

Thing is you need pro help. The Harley's. You make excuses to not use them.

My BH won't use them has been said here before. You're not the first to say this.

There have been countless WS and BS that used the Harley's on there own. The Harley's gave them strategies to get their BS/WS jump start the recovery process and get their spouse to eventually talk with the Harley's. Many times it was said that they were guided in what to say to get the reluctant spouse to finally agree to phone counsel.

You cry money, can't afford to call.

Well the way school systems pay you should be able to afford to counsel with the Harley's.

The damage being done to you, your childrens, and BH health because of continued living in an unhealthy homelife.

You are teaching your children the wrong things by example.

You have a BH that appears had many issues that needed to be addressed before your affair. The affair has put one hole too many into your BH's ship. He chooses to wallow around and pull everyone around him because he only choses to be passive aggressive.

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Divorce costs a LOT more that MB consults.
I just got divorced and am in foreclosure and will probably declare bankruptcy.
You need Steve Harley's personal guidance to see If your marriage can be saved.

Otherwise you are headed for divorce

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Originally Posted by TheRoad
Originally Posted by TheRoad
Originally Posted by SugarCane
[quote=Gamma]fifteenyears,

I think it may be the combination of the pictures with the beginning of the school year, I believe you are a school teacher as was OM2. Are you still in the same building?

Your last D-day for your affair was less than a year ago so this behavior is understandable. I also think his RA didn't deliver the relief he expected it would, and feels like an even greater failure as a result.

God Bless
Gamma

fifteen, you said this in January 2012:

Originally Posted by fifteenyears
I have already offered to give my husband all of my information. He already has my email addresses on his phone. I have gotten off of FB, and my school email is being monitored by the district. Three weeks after the affair my H and I sent a letter to the OM. I have already been tested for STD's per my husbands request and my husband told both of our families everything the day that he found out. All of our friends, families, and all of my Co-Workers (entirely different story)know about the affair.

I told my husband that I would get a copy of our cell records from now on and he could do anything he wanted to check up on me. He said that he did not want me to feel like I was living like a prisoner for the rest of my life. The thing is, I don't care if I live like a prisoner. I deserve to live like a prisoner for what I have done. I wan't him to check up on me, to feel safe.

NeverGuessed, the only thing from your list above that I have not done and cannot do is, quit my job. The OM has been moved to another school and level completely. There is really no way that I could or would ever see him again.
So I see that OM does not work with you any more. However, you still work in a mixed environment, having had two affairs with co-workers. This also seems to be the same school in which you had your last affair, so it is not surprising that your H is triggered by your working there.

I read in your first thread that Neak advised you to find a job in an all-female environment. You never did that, it seems.

Why can't you give up your job until you find one that is suitable and that allows you to practice your EPs? I will tell you that I never felt safe after my H's long-running affair until he took early retirement last year, along with a drop in income (of course).

On an additional issue: I'm with those who think that your H is still in contact with his affair partner.

This no different then if the OM and her worked for a large corporation with many locations.

There is still the opportunity to break NC using work emails, work land lines.

Every school year starts out with 1 to 3 days of all the teachers in a district getting together for moral boosting, workshop, lunches, superintendent meeting, etc, at the highschool for it's the largest build.

Then there are conference days about twice a year with more work shops, organized lunches, and some teachers may have to go to meetings at other school buildings within the district.

This WW fails to admit that she can see OM car, OM in the hall, OM at a lunch, OM in the auditorium at Supt's meeting, any where, any time.

This WW can pull the eyes over on those that have not worked in a school setting.

This WW is putting her job first. This job is 1# in her life. All her BH sees is her actions are not the same as her talk.

I'll bet dollars to doughnuts start of school and those photos have her BH triggered.

You need more help then this board can give. You need to counsel with Dr Harley. Even if you have to counsel alone. Dr Harley has been know how to guide the WW to get the BH to eventually get on the phone.

Yes you told us you took the photos down.

How long were those photos on the wall before you took them down?
Originally Posted by TheRoad
Originally Posted by fifteenyearsHe also CANNOT stop bringing up the A. He keeps going over and over in circles wanting me to give him answers that I don't have.

I cannot explain why I did it because there will never be a reason that justifies why? I am sickened by my weakness and actions. I think about it every day and it infuriates me, just as it does him. He keeps throwing Affair punches at me though and I don't know how much longer either of us can take it!


Another reason to talk with Dr H. He can help you give the answers your BH needs and get BH to understand them.[/quote
Originally Posted by fifteenyears
I DO NOT NOR WILL I EVER see the OM again!! He is not allowed in or near my school. We are in a very large school district and our meetings are by building only. There will never be a chance that I see him again within the school.

In addition, our emails are monitored at school (all email addresses)and he now works in the same school and classroom with his wife.

Last night I offered to quit my job, to walk in the building and break my contract. I offered to move far away. He does not want any of that or at least that he what he is telling me.

Our conversation last night was painfully honest and my job came up. He said it does not matter what job I have or where I am at that he would not be able to trust me anywhere and it had nothing to do with where I am at.

We actually work together in the evenings at the golf course that he manages, this would probably be the only job I could have in which he would be safe. On the other hand he does not want me to quit my teaching job because our son goes to this school as well.

I would quit in a heart beat and told him this if I knew that it would make him feel safe and begin to trust me again and he knows this.

We have POJAd this a number of times and he says he does not want me to quit (he could just be saying that) but isn't that the point of POJA to discuss the matter and come to an enthusiastic agreement? Right now he does not want me to quit so I am offended that people are assuming that I am putting my job before my marriage.

In addition, the superintendent of our district has made it impossible for either of us to ever see each other again. I have requested to never work with a male teacher again and have reclused myself from a number of staff members male and female who I feel are lacking in morals. I am very happy with these changes that I have made for both myself and my spouse.


Well your school district employment is the exception not the rule. So I will believe NC is in place. Though Supt's retire. Buildings get closed. Staff can get moved to meet district needs as things change. So for now there is NC.

You did not have a good marriage. It appears that your POSBH has had a bunch of issues you got tired of dealing with and he was leaving many of your needs unmet. Leaving a person with weak boundaries ripe for the picking. OM plucked you off the tree into an affair.

Having a bunch of non pros helping. There are many good one's here, pepperband, melodylane, maritalbliss, the wonderings, melodylane jr. There are a bunch more that my poor memory can't recall at the moment. To those many more I have left out it was not ment as a slight. Just memory not as good as it was.

Thing is you need pro help. The Harley's. You make excuses to not use them.

My BH won't use them has been said here before. You're not the first to say this.

There have been countless WS and BS that used the Harley's on there own. The Harley's gave them strategies to get their BS/WS jump start the recovery process and get their spouse to eventually talk with the Harley's. Many times it was said that they were guided in what to say to get the reluctant spouse to finally agree to phone counsel.

You cry money, can't afford to call.

Well the way school systems pay you should be able to afford to counsel with the Harley's.

The damage being done to you, your childrens, and BH health because of continued living in an unhealthy homelife.

You are teaching your children the wrong things by example.

You have a BH that appears had many issues that needed to be addressed before your affair. The affair has put one hole too many into your BH's ship. He chooses to wallow around and pull everyone around him because he only choses to be passive aggressive.


The Road,

I truly agree with EVERYTHING you say except for this line

"Well the way school systems pay you should be able to afford to counsel with the Harley's."

Not sure where you live but where I live teaching is almost charity work. Not making a lot of money.


Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11

Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
Neak #2662056 09/06/12 08:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Neak
To come right out and say it plainly, this poster's veiled attacks of you and justification of your BH/WH's adultery, makes me wonder if they are one and the same person.


Neak,

I may be misunderstanding but if you are assuming that R and my H are one in the same, you are VERY wrong!! First of all I disclosed everything to my H both times so he would not come on here and fish around for more answers. Second he would NEVER bring up money because that has NEVER been an issue in our marriage.

I read all of R's comments and they do not fit my H's personality. I know a lot of peope come on here thinking they know their spouse and find out differently but I would be willing to bet my life, that R is NOT my H.

In addition, I am trying to heal my marriage so ASSUMING and ACCUSING without proof or actually being in my situation is really not helpful.

I completely understand you looking out for me in the A area, BTW my H and I talked on the phone for over an hour last night. He did not come home but I knew exactly where he was and he gave me the proof.

I honestly am really not worried that he is having an A, I am worried that he is shutting down and giving up because he has so much anger and resentment built up inside and he does not know how to get it out.

In addition, he has been reading my thread lately and I really don't want him to stop because he feels like you guys think he is the bad guy and are pinning him as that.

If he is willing, I am going to find a way to get the money and make an appointment with the Harley's.


Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11

Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
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J
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Posts: 11,239
Nobody is trying to make your husband the bad guy.
Neak was concerned because sometimes spouses will make alias identities and try to sabotage a thread.

I agree that the poster in question is disgruntled and does not understand MB concepts. He may be a hurting, betrayed spouse and in need f healing. I hope he will share his story or find peace.

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
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J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Marriage Consult with Steve Harley should be your number one priority and I wouldn't ask your husband about it.
Make the first call yourself and ask Steve for guidance

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