But she doesn't and you cannot do anything about that.


But you didn't cause this and cannot do anything about her behavior.


This you can do. You can chose not to live with this crap any longer--though quitting your job may make your finances precarious.

Jeff
You need to go to an AlAnon meeting tonight.
And the coda meeting tomorrow night.
And then AlAnon wed night and every night this week so you can think clearer.

Buddy, she didn't chose this route because of you. She was on this route when she met you and never got off of it. She just hid it better while you were around. She's always been like this. You just assumed she would change.


Understood and we know where you're coming from.


If you were my brother, I'd have dragged your [censored] out of your house kicking and screaming and brought you back to live with me, the wife and kids. Call it an self-intervention or something, but I think you need to seriously DISTANCE yourself from this woman--legally first and physically second.

We've been telling you this for a while now.

Please stop thinking that anything is going to change unless you MAKE it change.

And you need to post daily in here.
Every time a poster disappears from posting and then returns he/ she reports that they got into more trouble

Yep.

She says that she tried to get me to change...be more socially outgoing, look people in the eye, more socially extroverted, etc.
That she couldn't take it anymore that I couldn't change to be the person she wanted me to. That it wasn't fair to me to ask me to be a different person than I was inside.

She doesnt know if she can get that emotional feeling back for me. She knows that I a have been trying really hard recently. But she thinks it is forced & that I will go back to my old ways.

I told her, that I am changing for the better. That I am changing these habits.

Right now, she is cake eating. She has a place to live. The reason why she wanted me to move back in was so I could help with the mortgage.
The counselor told her not to contact other men, but she has using her dating site.

If this was your brother, what would you tell him to do?

Sorry, I couldnt get online for the past few days. My phone wouldnt get online either.

I really would have liked to though.

By standards defined by most of normal society, you are not the one that's broken, hoss. She is.

Which makes your next quote...


...seem a bit backwards and putting all of the work on the wrong party. Wouldn't you agree?

Jeff, you're really getting to the point now where many siblings would just say "I can't enable this anymore, please talk to me when you're ready to actually follow through with your words". You understand that point of view, right?

You're like the drunk who keeps hating the bottle but goes back to the bar every night. There comes a point where your family, friends, and other posters here will be there for you when you decide to actually stick to your word, but until then, they will stop giving you advice because you aren't going to take it anyways.

I say this because you'll notice a lot of posters move on to other people here, as they have tried to help you but let's be fair - you aren't actually interested in following the MB program, you just want her to suddenly do a 180 and change when it's as blue as the sky that she isn't going to change.

It's like watching the battered wife pick her husband up from jail in the morning. How much can someone stand by and watch someone throw themselves to the wolves every day?

Read back to your original post. It's been several months.

ML gave you this advice on DAY ONE you came here.

"I would accept that your wife is not and never has been marriage material and get a divorce. She has been trolling for studs for our entire marriage and has no intention of stopping. Se has a freeloaders worldview that holds the belief she is entitled to seek another man if something better comes along.

I would also suggest you stick around this forum so that you learn better skills in choosing a marriage partner. A woman who believes in having opposite sex friendships is dangerous to any marriage so that needs to be a knock out factor when choosing a mate in the future.

I am sorry to be such a downer, but there is nothing to save here. She will not change for you and he sooner you accept that, the sooner you can excise this toxic woman out of your life and find a more suitable mate"

I know what you are saying in that she has been this way before I met her.
Her text conversation with this other guy, tells me this. She talks vulgar & sexual. Its nothing new for her.

When I snooped into her email, I did see an old email of hers...about a year before I met her.
It was an email from some guy...it had pics attached of his erect privates.
She forwards it to a friend saying "can you you believe I have a ticket to ride this thing.."

I just about threw up when I read it.

What a sham of a marriage I have been in. My ww is a wh*re.

Ask yourself that one. Come on now, this isn't rocket science. You know what you need to do.

If HDW says that going to an AA meeting will help you get some perspective, then I'd start there. His ex-wife was about as off as yours is and he did a hell of a 180 to get out of it.

Jeff.
She wants you to change and go to counseling because she thinks that you re the problem.
She does no understand that it takes 2 people to have a mutually caring relationship. she wants you to care for her and meet her needs but she does not care for you.

The problem isn't her actions, it's how you react to them. You ask what people would tell their brother. I suspect you realize that your thinking is unhealthy because if everyone says to leave her and you are the only one coming up with excuses not to then there is an issue of unclear or unhealthy thinking.

You are an engineer or architect. How are codes developed? Through committees and best practices. Think like an engineer and this is your life. The best practice is to get the training and education you need to think clearly - AlAnon and Coda and then act on that education.

There are a few things you probably should consider doing.

STOP telling us what Skanky says. She's a unashamed wayward; There is nothing she can teach us, and nothing that will surprise us.
STOP thinking you have any future with her. You do not. She is a female spider, slowly sucking the vital juices from you.
START listening to the posters here.
INSTALL the quote from your post above as your epilogue line in your profile:
What a sham of a marriage I have been in. My ww is a wh*re.

I hear everyone. My cousin has been telling me the same things. She has been very helpful.

I did see that she has been on her dating site.
She told one guy that she has stopped talking to guys in respect for us trying to work on things. But she is tempted to look at her prospects.
She posted this last night while I was asleep.

Can you commit to attending an AlAnon meeting tonight?

I'd drag my brother out by the hairs.

Listen to HDW, his xW is nuts, and he turned around to a stable father.

Not tonight, but I am going to the codependency meeting tomorrow.

Why can't you go to a meeting tonight?
Do you have a good reason ?

Can't go tonight, I think the codependency is more my issue.

She is filling out the emotional needs questionare.
We are supposed to talk about it later.

Good Morning Jeff ... err .. Afternoon. I have a question. Were you raised by a single mom?