Thanks for these links. I had not seen/heard these. Just listened to them. Dr. H seems to draw a distinction between anger and frustration.

I thought this segment was better.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3799

In this one he speaks to the idea of "losing your temper." He also acknowledged "we all get upset. ... We can't avoid getting frustrated."

He then seems to suggest that the issue is how one handles frustration: calmly with intelligence or violently with anger.

So getting frustrated or upset is natural?
Should we always try to hide or conceal our frustration?

Is it ever helpful show or communicate the fact that we are frustrated by something so others might learn of our feeling and/or boundaries?

No, that was not her.

I am curious about gist of the post that was deleted or what rule it violated?

Northwood,

I hope you have not given up on me.

I exposed to several of my wife's significant friends and her brother and asked him to share truth with my W's mom in hopes that she would advise her to do the right thing. Her father is supporting her.

As expected she is very angry, says we are through, I was trying to make enemies out of her friends and family, I should plan to move out, and she canceled me off our joint credit card. As I mentioned, she has been the main earner in the family and I allowed her to control all fiances so she was able to easily cut me off the CC. I still have one of my own so it's not the end of the world. She's trying to be as mean, abusive, and vindictive as possible.

She says I did not live up to my end of the bargain (because I did not earn enough $$) so this seems to be the justification/blameshiting she is clinging to.

I said fine let's mediate a divorce and end it. She responded with I will never mediate, I am going to hire an attorney. I said okay.

How long does this post disclosure usually last? Disclosure was over the weekend.

Please give me any thoughts or guidance.

Man Learning,

I wish you'd gotten some support here for the exposure. You need to go big with exposure. Telling a few of her friends and her brother is just enough to make her furious but not enough to get her in a position where everywhere she turns, her bad behavior is known.

Still, I'm glad you did something. She needed this, awhile ago! Do not move out. Get an attorney and start figuring out your rights. File for sole custody. Will you get it? No but it wills care the crap out of her and let her know you are not messing around.

Please keep us informed and I would keep exposing as fast as you can to try and capitalize on the tsunami effect. You're losing momentum if you drag it out.

Who did you expose to on OM's side?

Best case, she's blowing smoke and it will settle down in a few days.

Worst case, she's going to do whatever she can to get you out of the house. This includes trumped up domestic violence charges and temporary restraining orders to get you tossed out. It's happened before, and I know one thread where it went down like that.

Get a voice recorder and start recording these outbursts that she has.

If it were me, I'd file for a divorce, seeking primary residence based on your WW's adultery. Right now, she's probably posturing a good deal to get you to back down. Her "overreaction" tells me that you were right on the money with the exposure. But if you actually secure an attorney and get the paperwork filed, it'll through her off a bit.

As you've seen by her behavior, the one on the offense has the advantage. You need to get in front of this and take the initiative to get this resolved one way or the other.

I'd follow up with those people that you exposed to, asking them if they've had a chance to talk to her. Tell them that she's becoming increasingly anxious around the house and that you and the kids are worried about her.

This morning she was still mad, claiming that she could not divorce me because now that I told our older daughter that basic truth. She basically already knew, but I confirmed the facts (with no detail or timeline). W says that if she divorces me now D will not speak to her. So she wants me to do it, but she did not say to do it immediately. Even if I do it, our D may still be mad at her because D knows I have been trying to make it work. Also W is speaking to me civilly, at least at this point, but who knows how long that will last.

Exposure of the OM has been limited to his Wife who I learned was his Xwife.

She was so mean and vindictive last night, I was thinking this place might be to toxic to remain in. Over the last few weeks she has pissed on what few embers of love I had. They are not completely extinguished, but at what point should I throw in the towel?

BTW M_l, NW was referring to me. my WW trumped some BS to have me thrown out of our home. i was a fool and paid for it. plan hope was plan dope.

Ok, so she's going to be a coward with it and isn't yet going full steam ahead to get you out of the house. Your other responder, savemymarr, was the victim that I referenced earlier.

If it were me, I'd get ahead of this and talk to an attorney about your options. While she may be playing nice now, it may very well be an act that is intended to placate you until she gets her ducks in a row. Your exposure threw her off, she needs time to regroup. Beat her to it, keep up the momentum.