I don't know what I want others to say...I'm new at all this...I don't know what is up & down....

I am hearing all what people say. You guys are concerned about me & you've never even met me. That says a lot. I appreciate it very mush & I am very thankful.

Yes, she does all what she has done.
I havent pushed the transparency issue..but I know she won't go for it.

Her love busters are lame at best....
I mean, white teeth, road rage (like she doesnt have this either..she gave someone the bird on our trip to Atlanta)
Having my family involved with helping me with dr appts or helping me fix my car....geez, I'm just glad I have folks that care enough about me...lots of people don't even have that.


Someone also told me yesterday that them remember going to a club with my ww (a few years ago..maybe 2 years ago).

That at the club my ww met a guy & that my ww told her friend (my friend too) that she should have exchanged email addresses with the guy. No idea why my ww would be so bold as to tell a mutual friend this.

I would encourage you not to quit your job.
Engineering and architecture is a very good profession and that is not your problem.
Your friends and family don't want you to quit your job. Perhaps because they consider it an irrational decision? This is a difficult economy and it would be wise to have another job lined up before you quit this one.

If you think things are bad now, they will be a lot worse when you have to worry about keeping the lights and water on

In addition, quitting your job typically makes you ineligible for unemployment benefits. If you're going to lose your job, it's best to be fired.

Exactly. And being fired does not help your resume.

Having a job is an indicator of stability. You need to stay as stable as possible.

The first step towards a healthy life is to get out of your unhealthy codependent relationships.

Jeff, quitting your job and leaving town is trying to control other things because you don't want to take control of the WW situation. You're like the person trying to re-arrange their house furniture while the house is on fire. Pretending it's not on fire isn't going to save you.

How can we help you Jeff? I'm not sure you've really taken any advice given to you since July. You say you'll go to meetings, you don't. You're told not to waste your time with an EN questionnaire as it will turn into a bunch of LBs, you do it anyways and sure enough. You're told to separate as your wife is actively talking to other men and refusing to change, you talk about moving to Atlanta with her.

At what point are you using this as a sounding board instead of actually tackling the issues that need to be dealt with? You know that writing what you want to happen, is not going to make it happen in real life?

You are right.....

I think my only logical step with her is to confront her about the dating site & ask her to stop this behavior & be transparent.

IF she does stop this behavior & becomes transparent, what is the next step?

IF she DOES NOT stop this behavior, my next step is to separate.


I'm sorry if I seem dense....I am scared about losing another relationship due to my failure to meet needs. Maybe this is more about me & how I view myself. I don't want to be a failure or even give myself the chance to try to fix things.
Guilt is the thing I am trying to avoid putting on myself.

Guilt was a big obstacle for me after my last marriage.
In that one, I had no proof of what she was doing. All I got was what she was saying to me. All the clues were red flags, but I still had no proof.
After our D, I did start to accept that she might have been in an affair..... Our D was final about 4 months after the "talk" & her wanting to separate. She then bought property with the suspected OM only 2 months after our D. So I knew from that, that she had to have been involved in something inappropriate. No one buys land with someone else only 2 months after they get Divorced, unless something fishy was going on.

BUT I lived with that guilt for a long time..that I drove her to leave. I don't want to feel that way this time.


I don't know how I can be helped. You guys are great. Your advice is spot on. Even though it is logical & makes perfect sense....maybe I am in the fog & in denial.

If I get a lay-off, it would be ok for me. I can live with my family for an extended amount of time. Money wouldnt really be a problem. It would get old quickly though. But I could work on myself & get my head straight.

Yes I am going to try to swing by the CoDA meeting tonight.
Ive got a book on codependency as well that my cousin let me borrow. I am going to read it as well.

File

for

a

divorce

Ever feel like you've been somewhere before?

Stop going in circles, Jeff, and pick a straight line to follow.

and plan B her skanky butt

If you continue to ignore the advice to Plan B or Plan D your very wayward wife, I would suggest that you ask her to take a poly. I would bet my right arm that you will find she has NEVER been faithful to you, and there are many more indiscretions you are not aware of. In fact, I would bet my right AND my left arm.

Jeff, really, you need to make a bold move here. Get yourself out of this mess.

Well a polygraph wouldn't do any good anyway.
She would just say that Jeff "drove her to be with another man" and he would accept it.

(Jeff, that quote Is what my wife told her sister after the sheriff served her with divorce papers and she went into a rage and called her sister) sound familiar?

You are responsible for your actions. You are not responsible for your ex wife's actions or your current wife's actions. You are responsible for how you respond to their actions.

The problem with these types of relationships is we become accustomed to them. They become normal to us. AlAnon says that is because we no longer have sane thinking. Our thinking is actual insanity.

It is not a sane thought to quit your job because your wife is an adulterous.
You need that job to stay focused and healthy. Quitting a job and sitting on a relatives couch isn't going to help you improve yourself.

The problem is your relationships. You need to commit to going to meetings every night. Yes every night. You can be in meetings while your wife is having online sex with another man. She's going to do it anyway. Fix yourself.

They will teach you how to emotionally disconnect from her so you can leave.

I can tell you from experience. In many regards God used my wife's affair to help me. I've been divorced just a few months and I feel GOOD. Life is good my friend. If you spend it in the sewer then you won't be happy.

Oh and as for your wife having sex with you as she promised.
Please remember that she has probably been having sex with other men and may have the AIDS virus.

Great post HDW, about fixing yourself.

Jeff, please don't have sex with her. She had sex with you on the first date meeting online, she has been doing it with other men - she's been sending nude photos within the week, who knows what disease she has right now.

Proper time management is essential, that's for sure.

I stopped posting on this thread back when it became obvious it was simply becoming a talking shop.

But just for kicks, I am going to urge action one last time - repeating some excellent and simple advice which has already been posted to you.

It's a free ticket out of Limbo, you see. Actually no, a free ticket out of hell. Well not that free either, but you will be happier!

You will go through a LOT of pain, but then you'll heal and be OK.

I probably won't post again, but I will read along and hope for your happy future.

I'm not quite sure why I've held on this long.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.