Very interesting read, this thread of FarmerBob's . . .


The WS's to which you refer do not struggle with remembering details. They remember details quite vividly.

No, the struggle is in looking their spouse (significant other, in deference to FarmerBob's position) in the face and confessing those details to the person they betrayed. One of adultery's many symptoms/manifestations: selective amnesia.

I like you, Farmer. You've handled yourself pretty well. Seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Get past the emotion of the moment, look at where you want to be 10 years from now. You'll do the right thing. Good luck!

If she isn't filling you full of crap she has a wicked good memory.

...or an excellent, spicy, journal!

A quick couple of answers and some comments, before I hit the rack.

Way ahead of you, there, Q. The deed has been signed, registered and filed, and I deposited $50K into her account. So that part, at least , is finished.

Unwritten , according to her letter and comments made by her these last few days, it seems that she has done all of her sexual "experimenting", during the last 5 or 6 years, and that her ex-husband can and will vouch for that. I tend to believe her about this part, because she and her ex are bitter enemies, and I don't see him willingly doing anything that would benefit her. Before they began to "swing", she had only two sex partners. So she really doesn't have to dredge up ancient memories. In this, I feel that she is telling the truth. BUT, that doesn't make those things she admits to, any easier to read about, or discus.

WarHorse, Considering the total sh*tstorm that was my marriage , the last 3 or 4 years, this is actually pretty small beer. I've had time to process a lot of what has happened, and am in a much better frame of mind than I was when I came to MB. I'm beginning to realize that I'm pretty much in the drivers seat, and can take her or leave her, as I choose. She is jumping through hoops to prove herself, and we haven't even talked face-to-face yet. She has already changed her job from an account manager to an in-house account specialist, which means that she will do no traveling, whatsoever, but will be working right here in Indy, although she will take a pretty big hit in the wallet, to do so. . She called me to read to me a letter of NC that she will send, or that I can send to Dallas guy repudiating their FWB relationship. So it isn't as if she isn't putting the effort into it. she is coming to the appt. Friday night, to get some of her things, and we will talk, then. One thing , I have decided, is that IF (and it's a big if) I decide to give her a chance, I will be implimenting as many of DR. Harley's principles as I can to our relationship. I am quite simply amazed at what he has done for some pretty bad marriages. His common-sense approach to infidelity, and it's aftermath, is really effective.

Is she familiar with MB?

Because she's doing the steps required of someone in the MB plan. How would she know about it?

It looks to me like the need not being met with you was a need to have sex with multiple men. I greatly suspect that the reall need is the need to have a big audience of men who think she is the greatest woman ever, and that includes great time in the sack.

If the above is true, you cannot possibly meet this need because you are not multiple men.

If you decide to take her back, I hope you at least don't do so without a polygraph. She sounds very honest to you now, but she sounded very honest to you before such that you were 100% surprised by what you found. It's hard for me to believe that there is only one FWB (or ego building devotee). Even if you decide this possibility and its associated slip up every and then would be tolerable since you are the one she loves and you are already 60 etc. (I hope you don't decide this, just sayin'), you still have to consider disease and FWBs turned crazy nut job stalkers who want you out of the way.

Hrm. Good observation Indie. First the detailed timeline, now a NC letter. Certainly sounds like she has had a round of MB in the past.

Not that I don't think it great for anyone to have a round of MB, but based on her SSL it seems to me that she knows enough to use it to her advantage, without actually applying it to her life. That, is a scary thing.

Regarding the above post, a person can actually use MB principles for evil.
When one understands how people fall in love, an evil person could use this info to seduce married women all day Long LOL

Seriously, this reminds me of going to a used car lot, getting a carfax report that is 10 miles long full of damage, and the salesman saying "well, I'll put a nice coat of paint on it and take it to a mechanic".

So what do you do?

Do you buy the car and take the chance? Do you spend the $5k for the remote possibility that it might become an awesome car?

Or do you pick from 100,000+ other cars without serious damage?

I just don't understand it. I think it's clear that this woman is just making you these promises of the moon because she's not accustomed to a man who doesn't want her. Does she want YOU? Or is she miffed that she is actually being rejected and desperately requires your admiration???

It's your call, FarmerBob, but I think you're being played here.

We are speculating on what we think goes on with her based on your posts. What if you stipulate that to consider taking her back, she must start her own MB thread? You would have to stay off her thread and she would have to stay off your thread, at least that's what I've seen here when both sides are posting.

I don't think that would be appropriate because MB is for marriages. Not for renter relationships. Farmer bob is only married in his mind

Agreed, this was/is a dating relationship of only 1 year exclusively (*well, exclusively on FB's side at least) - so really, FarmerBob is just at the window shopping stage still and he's already got massive issues to contend with.

Like I said, it's like wandering around a car loat and picking out the one with extensive previous frame damage. Sure, with a lot of work (or a miracle) it might be a nice car, but why are you ignoring all the other perfectly fine ones?

I figure by 60, one is looking for a life partner, not trying to fix a damaged project.

Thats exactly what I was talking about. If you were a master manipulator, knowing all about EN's and how to fill someone's love bank could be used in a number of ways. Seduce someone,con them in some way, etc.

That's why it's important that we never join the dark side of the Force

One of Dr Harley's principles is to avoid sex until after marriage.

Did you buy a copy of Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders yet?

FarmerBob: Just a quick comment. If she wanted to be honest with you she would have told you about her swinging lifestyle before she was caught, not do damage control after she was caught in a hotel room with another man. So what if she says she will change, with she gets the itch, she can always meet a sex partner at a local hotel. My advice: RUN, FOREST, RUN!

I asked her about this, and she said that she had been visiting another website dealing with infidelity called "Love Shack"? She said that lots of people there advised her to do a letter of no-contact, change her job, and for her to decide what she wanted.

Played? I really don't think so, but , of course, anything is possible. I've talked a lot with her best (female) friend, and the picture she paints isn't that of a master manipulator, but rather that of a person who was in-experienced sexually but had her head turned by a lot of praise. The friend says that she (gf) has been having a lot of guilt , lately, but didn't know how to extricate herself from her situation. Of course , I'm taking this with a grain of salt, but this friend is NOT involved in swinging and has told my gf that it is very unhealthy. From the friend, it appears as if her ex-husband had ED problems, and was convinced that swinging would spice up their sex lives. My gf was reluctant, at first, but was willing to try . At first, it helped , but after a time, the other men were treating her better , praising her , etc, more than her husband , so they divorced. She quit swinging , immediately thereafter, but continued to see Dallas Guy and one other guy from Indianapolis, who has since married. I am definitely going to talk to her ex-husband , to get his side of it, if he will tell me.