Jeff R

A simple task for you do.

Read these 2 links below.


Mulan on boundaries



Boundaries-An open discussion



Come back and tell us what your boundaries are.

Should be easy.

Not a jab at you.

Seriously.

Take a look.


Good Luck

nESRE

Jeff,

Please go get an STD test. Do not have sex with this woman!!

nesre, thanks. Interesting reading

Jeff,
Have you attended any meetings in the past 2 days,
?
Will you attend one tonight?

It would seem that JeffR has gone


Very sad......

I'm here, just haven't been able to get online until this morning.

I've been reading about codependency from a book I got from a relative. It fits me. It's eye opening.

I guess the thing that got inside my head was that in the SA book, it says that the BS is responsible for things that lead to the affair. That really bothers me I suppose. That I did things that lead to what she did. I know she is responsible for 100% of what she did, but I hate that I did things that lead up to it.


I know I can't get her to change. That she is responsible for her own actions...the cheating, lies, being on dating sites, etc. I'm not making her do any of that. She chose to do these things.

I do have fear....a fear of abandonment & being alone.
I've been there before & I hated it. But what is the alternative....being with someone that I can't trust. My thoughts are to try to ease my way out of being with her. To gradually remove my emotional attachment from her.

Have you attended any meetings this week?
Will you commit to attending one tonight (Friday and Saturday nights are usually good ones)?

As for easing away from her. In your type of relationship you would be better off to cut off all at once.
Total separation.
What MB calls Plan B

I'm going to look for a meeting tomorrow night.



What type of relationship?

Jeff_R,

I guess the thing that got inside my head was that in the SA book, it says that the BS is responsible for things that lead to the affair.

I believe this is less true in your case because your WW was never loyal to you, if I understand your thread, and hence you never really drove her away.

I would guess had you stumbled upon MB some number of years ago and had exerted superhuman effort you might have reformed this serial cheater, but cheating might just be too much of an addiction for WW.

God Bless
Gamma

Well, we have gone to counseling before. She stated then that she wanted me to be more outgoing. One of the main issues with her was my habit of not looking people in the eye when I talk to them. I also have a tendency to feel uncomfortable in settings that are unfamiliar to me (bars, social events where I don't know anyone, etc). I go to them, I just don't say much.

This past Monday, she did give me a list of what she sees as 'love busters':
-when I unload the dishwasher, I put things in the wrong places
-she would like for me to have whitened teeth
-when I brush my teeth, she would like me to brush my tongue as well, for fresher breath
-I snore
-I get my family involved in things she would rather I didnt. Such as helping me get doctors appts, car help, etc
-she would like for me to get in better shape, muscular chest & abs (she is a size 20)

Her emotional needs questionaire, she listed that Honesty & Openness was important to her. Ironic.....

Her list sounds like a distraction from her own issues.

I seriously think I would have told her to go "have relations with" herself after reading that.

We aren't really going to go through this for much longer, are we?

Jeff,

Nice list, are these things you want to do for yourself? You must be so close to completely perfect in her eyes that all that's left for you to improve is to brush your tongue.

You may want to clarify to her that those are "annoying behaviours", not "love busters". Love busters are detailed in Dr Harley's books, and we don't get to add/remove from the list. Annoying behaviour is well documented.

As far as this goes:

Is Physically Attractive Spouse one of her top ENs? If not, ignore this (unless you want to go to the gym and bulk up for your own sake). If it's actually a big deal to her, start spending UA time with her at the gym.

You need to overcome your fears of abandonment & being alone.

There are many woman of equal or greater attractiveness to your WW that wouldn't want to be serial cheaters, who would appreciate a husband as devoted as you.

I would spend time working on yourself to overcome your own insecurities/fears. First you have to get over the fear of being alone. Being alone is MUCH better than being with someone who lies and cheats.

If your WW decides to give up on the marriage, you'll be much more attractive to the opposite sex as a confident person who doesn't need a codependent girlfriend.

Plan A followed by Plan B is the best way to deal with emotional attachment. I think you've been in Plan A long enough.

You don't ease your way out of cancer; you attack it with radiation, chemotherapy (basically toxic levels of drugs that KILL the cancer cells), and even surgery to cut out the tumour all at once.

You don't quit smoking by smoking a "little less", either. Cold turkey + maybe a patch or Wellbutrin or Chantix to make the process easier is the most effective.

I seriously think I would have told her to go "have relations with" herself after reading that.

NW, she hasn't needed direction from JR in that arena for a looooong time.

Jeff,

Did you ever expose?

NG-

True, but a reminder may have been warranted, though.

He sent transcripts of her "chats" to various OM's to members of her family to, in the end, no avail.

Thanks NW.

Is she still sexting with these OM? And contacting OM on the dating sites?

I'd imagine that she is.