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Clip of Dr. Harley talking about Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders
Radio clip on Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thanks BrainHurts! I'm anxious to listen to that later tonight when I can use a computer that the radio clips work on.

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Well we start as a freeloader and move into a renter relationship.
For example first date I freeloader. I go on a date with Sarah and she smells bad and her teeth are rotting. Also she only talks about something im not interested in , like termites ; I am not going to go on another date.

Then I go on a date with Michelle and she is pleasant and she has regular bathing habits and etc etc. I will try to go on a second date etc. then we may progress into a renter relationship phase prior to marriage.

A good example in action is a poster dating a girl named Nature Girl. They are in a renter relationship and preparing for marriage using MB principles.

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Hi HDW, that still doesn't answer the WHY. If the Renter's agreement allows for sacrifice in a relationship, which Dr. Harley says is destructive, why progress into a Renter's relationship? There has to be some benefit to entering the Renter's agreement that outweighs the destructive nature of it.

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Hi BrainHurts, thanks again for the radio clip. After listening to it, I still have the same question: why adopt the Renter's agreement?

In the radio clip, I heard Dr. Harley say two things about renters that seem bad:
  • Renters negotiate selfishly and not thoughtfully.
  • Arguing is the basic approach to problem solving for renters. (Arguing is a form of disrespect.)
So far, everything I know about the Renter's agreement seems bad. What's good about it?

Dr. Harley and Joyce reiterate that sacrifice is not sustainable. That makes me wonder.... could sacrifice be beneficial in the short-term? If so, maybe that's the reason the Renter's agreement is essential. And if that is the reason, then why is sacrifice beneficial in the short-term?

Another thing Dr. Harley said that I found interesting is that Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders are the three mindsets of people who are dating. Before hearing that, I was under the impression that dating relationships involved Renters and Freeloaders and only married people could be Buyers.

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When you first meet someone new, your relationship is that of a freeloader but if you really like that person and enjoy their company you are going to gradually become renters because being with that person makes you feel good and so you want to make them feel good too so that you spend more time together.

But you are full of romantic love so your givers are out in full force. Your rental mindset is not a problem as you are only thinking about ways to make each other happy.

The trap people fall into is in thinking that this is 'true love' and can therefore last for ever but it can't. There comes a time when your taker re-emerges which is healthy because otherwise resentment would start to build.

That is why the gold standard is a buyer relationship where each has their giver and taker in balance. Nobody sacrifices, nobody compromises, both are honest. Negotiation and mutual respect rule the relationship.


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That's a great response, living_well, thanks!

Armed with the knowledge of what you wrote, and knowing that staying in a Renter's agreement too long is dangerous, do you think one could simply bypass the Renter phase and go straight from Freeloader to Buyer?

For example, if two people who understand MB principles well start dating and find they like what each other does to their Love Banks, could they skip the Renter phase?

I presume Dr. Harley would say no because he says the Renter's agreement is an essential step in the development of a romantic relationship. What is so essential about it?

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Originally Posted By: KeepLearning

Armed with the knowledge of what you wrote, and knowing that staying in a Renter's agreement too long is dangerous, do you think one could simply bypass the Renter phase and go straight from Freeloader to Buyer?

I presume Dr. Harley would say no because he says the Renter's agreement is an essential step in the development of a romantic relationship. What is so essential about it?


I can think of a situation where you would go from Freeloader to Buyer. You would do this in a formal arranged marriage, where there is almost no contact beforehand. Interestingly, even in a more relaxed kind of arranged marriage where there is contact between the young people, the time between arrangement and marriage is kept short. I have never really thought about this in MB terms before but of course it prevents the renter's mindset becoming ingrained.

But in an arranged marriage, the essential compatibilities have already been determined by the parents of the newly weds. In our western culture we are expected to do this ourselves and that is why we spend time (too much time usually) as renters.

The other reason for having a renter's agreement is to get in the habit of radical honesty and negotiation over everyday little things (like where to have dinner) so that the habits are already in place before the marriage.


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bump


Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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A Good clip on how a renter becomes a buyer.
Radio Clip on a Renter Becoming a Buyer


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Recently read this book and have a question: How long should one date? It seems that long dating relationships are doomed to fail because the renter mentality becomes engrained. Is it possible at all to be a Buyer while dating?


Me BW: 30
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You can on a trial basis but a buyer is committed. If I'm dating a woman and she has an accident and is permanently brain damaged I may reconsider commitment to her.
That is a renter.
A buyer remains committed.

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The poster that married nature girl used poja prior to marriage.
His thread is in divorced forum

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I've heard Dr. Harley say about two years of dating. If there's still no move toward marriage after about two years, it's probably time to break off and date some other people.


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NC- 14-Apr-11
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Originally Posted By: BetrayedP
Recently read this book and have a question: How long should one date? It seems that long dating relationships are doomed to fail because the renter mentality becomes engrained. Is it possible at all to be a Buyer while dating?


Dating, by nature is a rental situation.
Once you are ready to "buy", you get engaged.
Then, you get married.

The answer to your question (how long?) is tricky.
I hope young people (under age 25) date longer than 2 years.
I hope recently divorced people date longer than 2 years.
I hope people with small children date longer than 2 years.

Never married, no kids, older than 25 .... I am open to shorter dating periods.

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2 years sounds okay to me. Pep what would be your upper limit?


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Originally Posted By: BetrayedP
2 years sounds okay to me. Pep what would be your upper limit?


Are you dating?

PS:

Not sure what this has to do with Dr Harley's book.

Last edited by Pepperband; 03/05/13 12:18 PM.
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I am glad for the clarification, because I think I misread that if you're not married within 2 years, it probably won't progress to marriage. Which confused me because I thought it takes 2 years for the PEA chemicals take 2 years to wear off.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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I'm not dating.. I was wondering in the context of my own relationship, as I dated my WH for a long time (10 yrs), and we argued a lot because of the rental situation. We wanted to get married, but young marriages weren't supported. I think I was able to translate into buyer, but not WH.


Me BW: 30
WH: 33
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