I posted a little while back and someone asked if I am divorcing........good question. I don�t know. She has filed before only to let the time laps by. I have had to make 2 trips to see her lawyer in the last almost 3 years to pick up paperwork only for her to not go thru with it.

It all started with her having these tremendous mood swings. We would hang out with friends of our and get together and have the kids play and the adults would just talk and have a few drinks. It was always nice.

Sometimes my wife would engage in normal conversation and other times she wouldn�t talk to a single adult all night and only interact with the kids. It was really weird. All of the couples and especially the other wives would ask me what was wrong with her. I never had an answer. The next time we would all get together, she was her normal self.

As time went by and this proceeded to play out time and time again, one of the wives asked me if she minded if she helped me dig into this. I was excited about having a woman's perspective because I tried and tried to talk to her about it and she never would go into detail about it and always blew it off. In my stupid-ness, I never had the energy to try to �really� understand the issues. In my typical guy fashion, when she said it was no big deal, I blew it off.

This lead to my wife becoming very angry about her friend and I talking about her. We were all friends not just the wife to wife and husbands to husbands. I travel a lot for my job and we had a pipe break in our house and one of my friends (one of the husbands) came over and took care of the issue. It just what we all did for one another.

Well I did exchange emails with one of the wives, with her husband knowing all of this as he was in the camp of trying to help my wife also, about my wife and what we thought were the correct steps to help. I don�t know exactly what the email read but it was something close to "hang in there, we will get thru it, love you" is what one of the emails from one of the wives to me said.

I have heard my wife tell these people numerous times that she loved them. Husbands and wives alike and I never mis-took it for more than any sort of friendship. My wife comes from a huggy-kissy family so I had no issues at all with hearing her say anything like this to these people. She would always hug everyone when we left our friends, husbands and the wives every time.

In a return email to her, I stated the same that I appreciate the help and told them to that I loved them. We have known these people for 7+ years at the time and went on numerous vacations together, took long family weekends to our cottage together and I golfed with her husband every Thursday on league. I considered him one of my best friends and would totally trust him with anything.

Well, the "love" thing in those emails is what pissed off my wife so she says. She had access to all of my emails as she knew my password and she proceeded to print them all of and then go and get a divorce filing that she showed me. She also went to a counselor who told her without talking to me that he thought I was having an emotional affair. I had to look up what that was online.

She then proceeded to have a meeting with her family and discuss our "issues" to them all and I know she told them she thought I was having an affair with her friend. Nothing could be more from the truth. I have not been invited to her parents for Christmas for the last 2 years now. Neither of her sisters will talk to me nor will her mother. Her dad has been a saint and him and I talk all the time as him and I have very similar interests. He has told me stories of how he has made mistakes I think to make me feel better.

I have always loved my wife and I still do. I have always thought my wife was beautiful. I too have known that my wife has always been the very jealous type. My wife is very open and a talker and she will talk to anyone male or female. I know this so it doesn�t bother me as I am not a jealous person. I'm not stupid, I'm just not jealous.

This is basically my story and it's been a b.i since. I wish I knew then what I know now and I would have tried harder to figure this out on my own in a calm fashion instead of getting mad and upset like I did. I have never been a touchy/feeling my emotions type of guy. I was never raised that way and I never acted like that. I am not perfect, I never will be close but I also know in my heart I have never looked at any of her friends and thought of starting an affair.

I have blame in this and I am certainly not saying I don�t, but I do know that there have never been feelings for anyone other than my wife. Still to this day I will go for months thinking things are ok then I get the separation speech from her and how she thinks it might be best. Then a week later, she is talking about our future. She tells me she loves me and when we try to have a deep calm conversation, she tells me she is shutting down and doesn�t want to talk. She has had female health issues lately and recently had a hysterectomy at age 41 which they also removed a very large non-cancerous tumor. She is also struggling with thyroid issues and has been for a while now.

We have been to counseling one time together; many times we have done it solo with the same lady. She doesn�t want to do couples counseling and I don�t know why. We both work, we have 2 kids who are 8 & 13 and we love them to death. We had the perfect marriage before this, or so I thought. I did find out that she did constantly complain about me to some of her friends when I was not around. I was oblivious to all of this until recently.

Thank God for this website. It has given me some sort of direction and hope. I am out of ideas of how to fix this in any fashion. We have not had any contact with any of our friends unless my wife initiates any of it. I do not. I have been reading lots on this website but I am so unsure of what my next steps are. I have had a feeling lately that I am not the only man in my wife�s life. Boy I hope I am wrong and I feel like an [censored] for even saying this, but my gut just tells me something is not right. She hides her cell phone every night because it is never, ever in her purse or just laying on her night stand. Where she goes, so does her cell.

I feel like a dirt bag even saying about my wife perhaps having a relationship with another man, but I am totally confused and could really use some advice. I have done none of the program here and am very green so you will not offend me by giving me advice.

Sorry for the long read.

Trying,

Your story sounds a lot like mine. My X acted the same way, she became very withdrawn from our close friends and started hanging out with new friends (that I never met). She would be happy one moment, and then not talk to me the next. She would disappear and not tell me where she was going and get angry if I asked. It was a very stressful and confusing time in my life.


After 3 episodes of my X's behaviour (over the course of 9 years), I divorced her. That was 8 years ago this month. It was the most devastating thing I have ever done because I loved her so much.

My advise is to read up on everything on this site and try contacting the Harley's. Your wife may be having an EA or even a PA but don't give up yet.

Keith

Another piece of advise... concentrate on what you CAN control and that is you!!!! I concentrated way, way too much on what my X was doing, or what I thought she was doing, or what she was thinking, or planning, etc, etc. I almost went insane doing that.

Take care of yourself first buddy....

Trying, what's your plan to restore the love to your marriage? Have you read the Basic concepts, are you spending the 15-20+ hours Undivided Attention (UA) time with your wife? It sounds like she was feeling unloved and neglected, this would be the cure right?

This is something to consider. She may be having an affair too

It sounds like your W may have a mild form of Bi-polar disorder if she goes through stark mood swings. I'm wondering why if you have given her access to your e-mail, etc, she doesn't do the same for you? This cell phone scenario sounds very suspicious. I would do some snooping and see what you can find out. If she had nothing to hide, she wouldn't be so evasive about her cell phone. I know it may seem like madness to suspect she is commiting adultery but, the real madness is in believing that anyone is immune to it or above it. We are all only human and therefore prone to incredibly bad decisions like infidelity. I would try to get to the bottom of her evasive behavior STAT.

Mood swings are typical of
wayward spouses.

Typical.

They have to deal with conflicts of their secret second lives.

You stole the words right out of my mouth!