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Actually I didn't work very hard at all. That's the problem I guess. I just sat around and hoped that it would get better. It didn't. So what do you want to get done now?
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For those here who know me know that I have been dealing with this stuff for a long time. My wife and I have been just living under the same roof. For years I have never even know how many affair partners she has had. I finally decided that I want to get this all out in the open. I miscalculated terribly. I had thought that she has has three, but actually she has had nine. I'm not sure how I'm gonna make it through this with my new information. I don't know your story but it sounds strangely like my own in many ways I just want to address the last statement about making it through When my wife was dieing from cancer, a Freind who knew my situation and my years of struggle trying to help her heal from her addiction issues, her fears developed from childhood... You name it...when he addressed my issues of guilt I felt because of how I failed to "save" her, from basically herself. He said.."you loved her CP, you did the best you could, it's out of your hands and in the hands of God" Whether you are a beliver or not in a greater good that is watching over us, let me assure you that that good lives in all of us Peace and understanding will come in time and you will make it through Trust in the "living God" the one that lives inside of you This site is full of people who care, who are nursing past bitter pain and betrayal, and coming around to living again after making many mistakes of judgement. You will pull out of this eventually, no matter how deep the pain
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Read the craziest things to come out of a waywards piehole thread.
Ill find and bump for you
They are all reading from the same crazy script.
"It not OW fault WE grew apart"
"I love you but Im not in love with you"
"People get divorced all the time"
Its a sickness, but a strangely identical one from person to person Amen sista
It's part of the escape mechanizisms of the human condition, fear of facing our fears, of ourselves and our frailtys, of our total weakness and dependency on the grace of kindness and goodness of from whatever force that may be watching over us. We want to control it
But we don't have control of it.
We have to trust it, trust in what we know is right within ourselves, what we know is is correct behavior, and accountability.
The wayward is truly lost, and shooting themselves in the foot. With thier own gun of free will decisions, which is loaded with the bullets of what has been come from thier own fear of thier worse nightmares
Yeah read that thread, it's very enlihtening Sorry Indie somehow my post got messed up and i couldn't edit it Her is the corrected version and Indies true quote, and mine
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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Actually I didn't work very hard at all. That's the problem I guess. I just sat around and hoped that it would get better. It didn't. So are you going to do anything? MB or D? If not, then I don't know why you bother snooping or putting pieces together anymore. If your WW has nine or ninety more affairs it doesn't matter when you have accepted this as a lifestyle. Yes Rock you have to make the change..don't accept this travesty.. It will not get better and she will not change magically. Believe me Ive been there Eventualy you will have to deal with forgiving yourself, for letting it go on as long as you did. You alone have the power to change this
Last edited by ConstantProcess; 09/30/12 09:33 AM.
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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So, what do I do?
Her first A was back in 2006. I found out about a few more but I never got to the bottom of them all. As far as I know the last was probably in 2008 or 2009.
We never really discussed anything and have just drifted along doing nothing. I finally decided to get to the bottom of things because it's been eating away at me. So I have been asking questions.
Married 23 yrs
WW-46
Me- 47
DD18
DD11
Dday #1 - Oct. 8 2006
Too many other D-Days to remember
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So, what do I do?
Her first A was back in 2006. I found out about a few more but I never got to the bottom of them all. As far as I know the last was probably in 2008 or 2009.
We never really discussed anything and have just drifted along doing nothing. I finally decided to get to the bottom of things because it's been eating away at me. So I have been asking questions. Have her take a polygraph. Here Polygraph Testing
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Rock,
For the sake of your sanity get a polygraph, continue to ask questions and take notes, the closer you get to the polygraph date the more truth will come out.
On the drive to the polygraph, even more will come out as a final attempt to protect some of the uglier details, but continue on no matter what.
You have
God Bless
Gamma
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Personally, I don't find anything wrong with being with someone for so long and exclusively with that person. I was proud of marrying my "high school sweetheart". Any thoughts?
Is every relationship like mine doomed because we didn't "play the field" more? I know the discussion has moved on but I just HAVE to offer my answer too. I always knew the statistics: more As happen to people marrying very young, more D because of boredom.This sounded obvious. I was going to enjoy my life before M. I married at 35 and WH was 40 (first M for both). We both had fullfiled most of our desires in dating and together we stayed w/o kids for a long time just enjoying life. Doing all sorts of exciting things, no responsibilities. So I always thought that this would be the firmest wedding. We could fall apart but never from an A. This would be ridiculus. Guess what. Although he pretended to agree on this concept, he did exactly that again and again. And with the same woman style that he rejected for me when we met. The plain and easy type. He fell for her (them) easily and no one could believe it for him. I have since heard all kinds of stories from friends. There is no stereotype. There is no excuse, although of course there are reasons.
Me: BW, 41
WH: 46
Married 7 years, together 12
DD: 5
OW: 39
D-Day: 11 April
Plan B since 10/3/12
Divorced 11/12
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The only reason I can imagine so often for As happening to younger people is that they're the most gungho about their love for their spouse being bulletproof and we know where that leads.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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Oh you are talking to the poster child here on getting married young. Myself I did it with my first serious Girlfreind I had, that I slept with at 16
Taking that seriously and falling in love, with all that I thought live was and could be, should be, set me up for the fall, because she had a completly different idea
Talked to my 34 year old son the other day, and no she wasn't pregnant and that was the reason, but she did stop taking the pill without my knowledge and aggreement a week before the wedding, and got pregnant on the honeymoon. Par for the course in my case, she knew better and had different plans then i did all the way, and lied most of the time, and was sure she would get away with it..
Well the conversation with my son...He said his mother asked him "if I still like to talk a lot?"
I had to laugh to myself , " my son knew who I was, via my MIL, who assured him I loved him very much, and that I was from what she called" good stock"
"MIL saw the childish devastation her daughter brought into our marriage, and knew what I was about"
I never pitted her against her daughter either, because she was the only grounding they had, and I didn't have to, her Mom knew me and how serous I was about marriage...work, dedication, commitment, character, discipline, the truth... She was embarrassed I'm sure by her daughters behavior, and I let that be between them
I wanted to say to my son, but it goes unsaid, because he knows me too..."Yeah ask her if my talking and open and honest communication
Got in the way of her using naive young man that I was, of her affairs, of her wanting to party, of her illicit drug use? Gee I was really sorry for that"
But honestly folks, the truth is I am proud of my morals, of my belief that marriage can be the greatest accomplishment you can ever have, with the right person who is mature and willing to become mature, and that is rare when your young, but possible
Commitment for life, dedication to a standard bigger than yourselve, for yourselve and your loved ones, and the children you creat and or care for.
I don't know about anyone else, but that's not only worth living for, but when it comes down to my children, it's worth dieing for, and every one of my kids knows my heart.
Looking back I can't change what happened, and hindsight of course showed me a lot, but getting married young does not have to be disasterous, if you are willing to handle the tough questions, and mature enough to deal with them, openly and with honesty from day one. If you don't, then why play around? Don't call it marriage
Oh yeah my first failed marriage set me up to prove something in my second, and how easily we are decieved...
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Married 23 yrs
WW-46
Me- 47
DD18
DD11
Dday #1 - Oct. 8 2006
Too many other D-Days to remember
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Well today I pretty much got what I wanted. The truth. I asked her for names and got them. It was a little disturbing because I knew who a couple were. But hey, I wanted the truth and that is what I wanted. Maybe now I can startu personal goal of recovery. We attempted to talk tonight but it goes bad real fast. She also knows that I am posting here and probably checks. It's so hard because I wish that we were on the same page and would fight this terrible thing together. At least I got some answers.
Married 23 yrs
WW-46
Me- 47
DD18
DD11
Dday #1 - Oct. 8 2006
Too many other D-Days to remember
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But hey, I wanted the truth and that is what I wanted. Maybe now I can startu personal goal of recovery. That won't give you personal recovery. Personal recovery comes from getting out of this abusive, sick, dysfunctional marriage. Knowing the truth means nothing when the destructive lifestyle continues.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ML,
Knowing the truth means nothing when the destructive lifestyle continues.
It at least means that he knows who not to go hunting or golfing or whatever with in the future.
God Bless
Gamma
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. Hi all. I hope this is the correct place to post this. My D-day was Oct 8, 2006. My W and I have been married for 16 years and have been together 24. My W had told me a year ago that this guy she works with who was flirting with her. Of course I was concerned but she assured me that I had nothing to worry about. Well, come to find out that this past Aug. she for some reason decided to accept his advances and pursue an affair with him. I found some emails that she sent to him. That's how I discovered it. I remember reading them, I thought my heart was going to pound through my chest. So I naturally went into search mode. In her dresser I found a note to the OM and also I found a note from another co-worker of hers describing a home made video tape of herself that she made and gave to him. So that was nice, I found out two horrible things in one night. She admitted having the PA with the first guy, and assured me that nothing happened PA with the second guy. She just called it flirting. I call it sick. Then a few weeks later I found some discs in her drawer and loaded them up on my computer. What I saw was pictures of the lower half of two people having sex. After about a week of her saing that she doesn't remember who they are of or how they even got there, she admitted that they were pictures of some guy at a gym that we belonged to whom she "flirted" with and he sent them to her email address. Bam, there's three things I have to deal with. I still love my wife and I do think that we can work it out.I think she is remorseful but she kind of just wants to ignore it all. I have seen a counselor twice now. A little history on myself though. 12 years ago I had an A, and I thought that we worked it out. I asked her if this was revenge, but she told me no. Her explanation for this A was that she was curious to be with someone else. I mean the OM told her right up front that he didn't want any kind of relationship. Oh well, just thought I'd share. This all sucks.
_________________________
Married 23 yrs
WW-46
Me- 47
DD18
DD11
Dday #1 - Oct. 8 2006
Too many other D-Days to remember That was posted in 2006. This has been going on too long. How long do you wish to continue your current marriage? Make drastic changes NOW. Want to stay married? You make demands for marital recovery following mB program. If she doesn't agree leave. There are posters here that have moved out of similar toxic relationships within your time posting here. Sometimes we get stuck in roles in marriage and life that are very unhealthy and have a hard time getting out. But you need to leave or be like Clint Eastwood coming into Hell.
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Yeah Rock, it is a question of how long you will put up with being lied to and abused?
Why? Do you think she will be sorry and appreciate all the sacrifice and the love and forgiveness you have shown?
Let us clue you in, she will continue to use you, simply because she can, and that's the truth. You have to fight this treatment and give up the idea that she cares about you, she doesn't
You can start taking care of yourself, and leaving the users behind, all of the snakes that ask you,"Don't you feel sorry for me, them, they can't help themselves, they are just bad, they didn't mean it"
Stand up for the truth and make them affordable for thier own actions, which speak louder than words.
Remembering the words from an old aquaintace,"If you were sorry you wouldn't have done it"
Who does she blame for her brain removal? Is that your fault and responsibility too?
Remembering also my first FIL who on his deathbed took my hand and told me to take care of his daughter
I did, and when she continued to lie and cheat, and do the boohoo act for years after, I left her. I am sure he would understand
The second FIL was himself a druggie like his daughter became, and died from too eventually, but leaving my first wife was the best thing I could have done for her
Stop being her whipping boy and stop enabling her Rock, you aren't her savior, save yourself.
This is no marriage by any stretch of the word
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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How long should it be before you probably shouldn't expose anymore?
Married 23 yrs
WW-46
Me- 47
DD18
DD11
Dday #1 - Oct. 8 2006
Too many other D-Days to remember
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