A very long story. I met my wife when I was 19. She was my first sexual encounter. Moved in after about 3 weeks, we were having sex after 1 week. We didnt date as such, it was very sexual. My wife had been sexually assaulted numerous times before I met her. When she was 14 she was raped by a friend. She then was raped by a boyfriend continuously through their time together of about 3 years. Another time she was raped by an older man, when she stayed at his and his wifes house. The wife left for work in the morning and he raped her. Another time she was physically touched and this is the only time she laid charges, and the man was sent to jail. So a lot happenned to her before we got together. She never got much support from her family etc. or counselling to help with this.

We got together and it was all fun and such. She told me about her past problems, and i was fine with it. She was always extremely touchy, and edgy. One little disagreement and she would go off, many times punching and hitting me etc. Getting on with this we got together in 1995. Around 1998, i went away for a weekend to my parents, and she didnt come because we had one of those little disagreements before. So she stayed home, we had a male flatmate. I went away and came home. She was so happy to see me. But very insistent in going to new years where this flatmate was. We got there, and that night, she said she wanted to break up. So we kinda did, but not really, and we had new years together with the flatmate at a few nightclubs. We came home, for a few days before the flatmate came back. Over the next few weeks we got back together. About a few weeks later the flatmate moved out. Fast forward to 2000, and my wife became pregnant with our first child. She suffered a lot of depression, i was working long hours, and no support from her family. We had our second child in 2003, depression really bad after this as well.In 2004 we had our first (really second problem). My wife went with friends and their 15 year old nephew away for the day, as I couldnt get babysistting for our child. She came home and over the next few days behaved weird and got many text messages on our mobile, but wouldnt show me. At the third day I came home. And she told me to sit down. She had been caught out by the 15 years old sisters who read his phone and told their mum. The mum told our friend that if my wife didnt stop what she was doing she would tell me. They had basically been sexting each other to the point where she was organising for him to leave school at lunchtime and meet at our house, whilst i was at work and the child was in babysitting. I was shocked and heartbroken. Didnt know at the time but I was too weak,and she really didnt get any consequences for it. A bit later we were having a fight, and she blurted out, no wonder i didnt tell you about me and the flatmate sleeping in his bed that night you went to your parents. She claims she was upset, and needed someone in the bed. She claims nothing happenned. Her version of events is he tried to get her drunk, so guess what she slept in his bed, but they didnt touch each other. She didnt even like him apparently. Okay another thing to give me nightmares over. How the hell can you do that, again i really didnt give her consequences. I do know they never communicated again after he moved out.

We never really got going properly again. I always mulled over everything, occasionally just bluring out stuff about this to hurt her at times. She was still very depressed, on and off medication etc. Still physically abusive etc to me.
2009 she begins a emotional affair on facebook with another guy from overseas. Goes on for about 3 months before i had enough of her spending all her time on facebook, and i installed a spy program, and got copies of all her conversations. I hit her with it and she went off her head even to the point of saying she would hurt the kids. I sent her packing to her parents and she stayed there for about 3 days before she came home, and we sorta swept it under the carpet. She has over all this time quite a few times threatening suicide, been admitted to hospital a few times.

Late last year she needs to go to here aunties place to help her cousin who has been sexually assaulted. Her cousin was going to court. Began to feel funny when she acted weird on her text messages etc. She rings me on the day before she was coming home, and says she was bringing her 17 year old male cousin home for a few weeks. i say no, i just lost my father, i dont want anyone here. She in the end says ok, i wont bring him. Next morning she rings, and says he's coming i dont care what you say.

Well they get here and over the next few days , not much, just feeling uncomfortable as they seem to be way too touch feely for cousins. On the wednesday night, she tells me she wants him to move in, as it would be much better for him here as he doesnt like it at his mothers. We fight, and i say no way. Next night i go into the computer room , and find him on the seat perched behind my wife. I go off, but she just says i am being silly. He stays for another week, i dont know why or how i let him stay, but nothing major . REMEMBER i was at work during the day but who knows. When he leaves, i put phone software on her phone and find a message where she tells him i love you more than i should. Also whilst he was here i kept saying to her , that what looked to be going on wasnt right, and she kept saying you are being silly. You need help maybe you need to see a shrink, you are going crazy. Long story short, she does tell me whilst she was at her aunties, the cousin (who has autism, and is a drug user etc, dropkick) told her he wanted to sleep with her. She said she was feeling attracted to him but told him she couldnt because she was married and she was her cousin. During this time they were still talking on phone and texting. Also i told her mother about this and his mother, but they dismissed it. My wife even made me apoligize to him and his mother for suggesting this stuff was going on.

Been a year now, we have done some counselling etc, but nothing really going there. She hasnt had any contact with him since. Says she doesnt even think about him. She says how silly she was, and doesnt know why i stay with her.

We are just going through the motions. I always ponder over whether she has had sex with the cousin, or the flatmate. She has always denied this, even at points where she is so broken down emotionally she is going to kill herself.

I dont really know what to do. I do love her, but always in the back of my mind is all this crap. The computer and phone are bugged, and she hasnt done anything wrong there over the last year. Any thoughts.

how do i edit the above

Welcome to MB, annoyed. I am sorry to hear about your troubles.

I have read your story, which took some time as it is a long post and hard to read, as it is not broken up into paragraphs. However, it is too late for you to edit it now, but you could repost it below, in paragraphs.

From what I understand, your wife has very little idea of how to commit to a marriage. A successful marriage involves committed behaviour all the time, every day, and your wife seems not to know that. Her behaviour around other men has been atrocious. Do you have any reason to believe that she has the values of commitment? If so, why has she behaved like this? Do you think her behaviour might be due to mental problems? What continuing help has she received with her suicidal impulses?

She has off and on counselling. She has been on and off medication. Her counsellor thinks a lot of her problems have been because of her sexual abuse (rape) in her past. Apparently either they go totally frigid, or they go totally the other way.

He also seems to think possibility of sexual dysfunction and personality disorders.

How do you get raped for three yrs?

I'd separate, get her professional help and protect your children from their mother...depression, threatening suicide, threatening to hurt your children, physical abuse, possible incest, etc. And no I don't believe your WW got raped by her bf for three yrs.

You are an enabler.

This!

It's one thing for you to live with a mentally ill person, but the children are likely being damaged by their mother. You are the one person who can protect them from her.

I've read that a lot of shrinks see personality disorders as lost causes. You, on the other hand, can certainly recover from your disorder of believing love means taking abuse from those you love - - or perhaps you believe it�s only OK to be abused because she is ill, was raped, etc. Guess what? It is not OK for you to be abused, and from what you�ve posted I doubt the abuse will ever stop as long as you continue to live in the same home.

You can love her all you want and get her some mental help, but you also need to love yourself and your children at the same time. Love is action, and the action needs to be to protect you and the kids above all else.

On the three years of rape by a boyfriend thing: Her interpretation of that relationship is seriously disturbing.

Wowser.

Your wife needs a lot of professional help (and some jail time, IMO). Not only does she have NO boundaries regarding her marriage to you, but apparently doesn't have boundaries based on age or the fact that one of her victims (I shall call her underage victims as such) is closely related to her. She is a threat not only to you and your children, but to herself and to these young men around her.

Are you and her legally married? You call her your wife, but you don't include in your lengthy first paragraph any information about actually getting married. Since this site is 'marriage builders' this is pertinent information.

Sorry you find yourself in this very sticky situation.

Yes we are married, have been for over 12 years. Yes , I know I need to get out of here. Just dont know how I would go with the kids. She loves them to death, but seems to think nothing of doing these things to me.

She has basically not worked the whole time we have been together. I have changed towns etc to help her with her depression. She really finds it hard to make female friends, and of course seems to lap up the male attention. This is probably why she cant make the female friends.

Dont know where we go from here. Everyday is a struggle to stay where I am. We have loans etc and are limited financially.

I will comment from a marriage building standpoint only. Your wife has NO BOUNDARIES with regards to the opposite sex. Here are some things you need to do, if you decide to stay in this marriage and give her the opportunity to turn this around.

Order the book Surviving an Affair, read it and ask her to read it too.

Require that your wife send a NC (no contact) letter to her AP's. This includes her relative, she should have NO CONTACT with him for the rest of her life.

Create EP's (extraordinary precautions) to create a lifestyle that does not give her the opportunity to have an affair. For instance, if she uses her phone to text AP's, she no longer has texting privilges. If she has used the internet/social media/gaming to meet AP's or carry on her A's, she no longer has internet access. These are things that are done to protect your marriage, not to control her.

Personally, I would require a polygraph. There are lots of unanswered questions here, and a great marriage cannot be had when there are lies and deceptions as its core. I required my WH to take one and I don't believe true recovery began until he did.

If she refuses to do these things, you do not have a wife that is interested in creating a good marriage with you, or protecting you from harm. Then you should go to Plan B, WITH your children as she seems like a VERY harmful parent to them as well.

Also, read as much as you can on this site. It is truly a Godsend for BS's who are looking for a PLAN to get through infidelity with some sanity intact. Familiarize yourself with Dr Harley's basic concepts, etc. and keep posting here. There are some great veteran posters who are very familiar with Dr Harley's concepts and plan and can help you get through this mess.

Thanks unwritten for that response. I am now looking into Polygraph services here. That would certainly help with letting me know if there was anything sexual done. But it still wont really help with her putting herself in these situations.

She has a mobile, it has spyware on it. I check all texts etc and phone call numbers. She has been really good, nothing to report there.

I have eblaster installed on her computer for the last year, nothing to report there.

The relative contact thing is the hard part. She realises she cant contact him, but she still wants to occasionally contact her aunt and talk to her female cousin. How do I deal with that etc. The female cousin 14, doesnt know of this stuff as far as I know.

Many people are advised by this board to do a polygraph. If she HAS come clean, she should be eager to take the test to put your mind at ease and help you heal, and to prove that she has been truthful to you.

This rarely happens, however. Generally, there ARE still deceptions, and the poly serves to put the pressure on your WW to come clean about those deceptions. Sometimes that will happen the night before, on the way too, or even at the poly.

And of course it is possible that she stands by deception even through the poly, and fails, at which point you will know you are dealing with a woman who does not have any intention of being O&H with you or healing you or recovering your M. And you can respond accordingly.

You are right, the poly will not help set up a lifestyle where A's are not possible. That is where EP's and boundaries come in. I have seen BS's with serial cheating WS's put into their EP's 'take a poly every (6 months, year, randomly, etc) per the BS's request.'

Does she have contact with any of her AP's? I would suggest that if there are family members associated with the cousin OM, you expose the A to them immediately, and ask for their support in ensuring no contact. If she is in contact with her cousin OM, or hearing about him from her aunt and female cousin, then she should not have contact with them either.

Have you discussed NC letters, polygraphs, or marital recovery with your wife? If so where does she stand on the topic?

Here you go.
Polygraph Testing

I have ordered the book Surviving and Affair, and also a book No More Mr Nice Guy. I will be getting her into a new Psychologist this week hopefully. I dont know how this will end, but I know I have to be stronger, and set stricter boundaries with her.

I also have to think of the children more, and make sure they are less impacted by all of this. Will keep you all updated. Thanks for all of your advice.

Still really struggly. The WW is keeping no contact from the latest OM and has always gone no contact with all of them. She has deactivated her facebook account, and doesnt keep in contact with the cousin OM family.

With the polygraph, she says she will take one. She is in IC, but wont answer any questions to me about the affair. Just says i am trying to keep her down in the gutter, and that i enjoy keeping her feeling that way. Am getting a bit lost.

You're struggling because your wife doesn't care for you and your marriage.

She is not a repentant wayward.

Do you want to continue in this abuse?

What EPs has she put in place?

What has she done to keep you in this marriage?

Please read this.
Conflict Avoidance is the Kiss of Death

Please look up borderline personality disorder, it may help you understand the dynamic of your wife's personality.

1.
Your wife's bad experiences in the past are not an excuse to do treat you badly.

2.
Her experiences with sexual abuse as a minor are not an excuse to do the same thing to underage boys in her own family.

3.
You can only sustain a marriage with her if she is repentant and gives just compensation. Untill now she has blamed you for keeping her in the gutter allthough you stood by her and have been the rick in her life untill now. Who knows where she would be without you.

4.
She has threatened to hurt herself and the children. You should document this and share it with her psychiatrist. You should be careful in keaving the children alone with her (how old are they? Boy, girl?) especially if she is in a bad mood or if you have recently had a fight.

5.
She craves opposite sex attention and behaves seductively to underage boys. If you have sons, please think the unthinkable now. There is no garantee that your sons will be safe. She has shown very bad judgement without consideration for the good of her family and for the mental health of the boys involved and last but not least has shown no care whatsoever for your feelings.

6.
It it not ok for you that she is crazy and should see a shrink. It may be true, but it is a disrespectful judgement. You do not know how hard it is on her to keep herself together. Of course you may voice your concern and ecourage her ( in this case I would say you may demand, based on her history) to seek help from a licenced psychologist, or psychiatrist.

7.
If you love her and want the best for her you should stop enabling her and being a doormat. She is in no mental condition to steer the ship and yet you gave done nothing really to take the steering wheel into your own hands and set thecourse.

8.
You owe it to your children to be the captain of the ship that leads them to the safe haven. Right now, you are on the Titanic and you have already allowed your wife to set course for and sail into the iceberg. What are you going to do about it?
At the moment you are discussibg things like: we have made good progress, the crack in the stairway has been repaired and we are planning on repairing the light on the promenade deck that has been damaged by the collision.

YOU ARE THE ONLY SANE PERSON HERE! Why are you not doing everything to protect your children against the sickness around them?

You should sit yourself down and write down what is required to keep you in the martiage. You should be the one to lead your family out of this mess. You have required nothing of your wife. That is why she is still behaving like a 12-year-old brat.

Also, read up here and make a plan. You need to lay out a course here, whichis not the same as putting up with things as long as you can and then lovebusting because you are frustrated.

God bless, happyheart