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Hello, I've been reading this site since 10 days ago when I uncovered my husband's affair. It has been a slow drip of information and lies. Today I finally found out he's been with 3 OW in 4 months.  He travels for work, every M-F. All of these have been on his travel. I don't know what to do about "2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle" I don't know how we'll heal with him always gone. I don't know how I'll ever trust him out there again. I'm a SAHM with 3 small kids. We need his income and this economy sucks! Thoughts?
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I am so sorry about this awful situation.
You have come to the right place - the people here are very knowledgeable and I have drawn from all the reading I have done myself here immensely.
Is there any way your husband can change jobs to one where he doesn't travel?
Is he willing to change or do anything about this or save his marriage?
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He is in full-on "I love you and will never hurt you again" mode. I pointed out a job at his company that is local but I want to see if he acts on it. He likes to blame me for everything that happens to us - good and bad. As if I force every decision on him so I'm afraid to be like "you need a different job NOW" plus, honestly finding a job when you are on the road is hard.
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Sophia, welcome.
It is clear that your WH's affairs stem from his travelling job. He needs to leave that job if you have any hope of saving your marriage.
Who are these women? Do they work with him? Are they married?
Of course you should not trust him when he's gone. He's proven to you that he is not worthy of your trust. He will have to leave his travelling job and get a job that will allow him to be at home every night.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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He is in full-on "I love you and will never hurt you again" mode. I pointed out a job at his company that is local but I want to see if he acts on it. He likes to blame me for everything that happens to us - good and bad. As if I force every decision on him so I'm afraid to be like "you need a different job NOW" plus, honestly finding a job when you are on the road is hard. I would be like "if you want to stay married to me you will have to find another job." If you are serious about saving your marriage, you are going to have get serious about doing the things that will save your marriage. You are headed to divorce right now. I would set him down and have a come to Jesus with him. If he will not agree to these conditions, Dr Harley suggests a separation. And then divorce if he won't meet your conditions. These conditions are NON-NEGOTIABLE. Additionally, I would expose his affairs to everyone. Everyone should know, all your parents, friends, close family and any spouses of his skanks. Read this post: The Aftermath
When things die down somewhat, it is important that you present a PLAN to your WS for recovery. The next step is to lead your marriage out of the ditch.
First step is to DEMAND your spouse end the affair.
Originally Posted By: Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94
"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."
Ask him/her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA]
Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:
1. end all contact with the OM for life
2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle
3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc
4. no more opposite sex friendships
5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph
6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.
Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.
Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He is in full-on "I love you and will never hurt you again" mode. Talk is cheap. If he is serious he will stop the traveling job. Without actions to back up his words, they are meaningless.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The first action you need to do is to EXPOSE these affairs to all family, friends and your husbands employer
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Who are these women? Do they work with him? Are they married?
Of course you should not trust him when he's gone. He's proven to you that he is not worthy of your trust. He will have to leave his travelling job and get a job that will allow him to be at home every night. They are not coworkers just skanks of opportunity? He says two were just sex but the third, that I discovered, was emotional as well.
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The first action you need to do is to EXPOSE these affairs to all family, friends and your husbands employer I have to admit to being afraid of him losing his job abruptly. We have no savings to speak of (due to extended hospitalization when I was pregnant). The company he works for is a Christian company (like, they have a bible verse on the outside of the building) and I'm wondering if I made a plea for him to have a non-traveling job it would have any effect. Or if he'd just get fired for conduct unbecoming. There is no doubt in my mind that he MUST find a local job for our marriage to continue. I guess I don't know how rash to be. Also, as far as exposure - I'm wondering if I should tell him mom and sisters. They live far away and aren't close emotionally. I don't know that they could help and if not am I just rubbing salt in his wounds?
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You need to expose to everyone.
His employer, family and friends.
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if not am I just rubbing salt in his wounds? Let's be clear on one thing Sophia - the only person (aside from your children) who is getting salt rubbed in their wounds is YOU, who is clearly being subjected to multiple diseases and sitting at home caring for 3 beautiful children while your husband is out with skanks (3 in 4 months? If that is what he admits to, I would hate to find out how many there really are). Have you read the exposure link in ML's signature?
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Of course he won't want to get another job. This job allows him to date and (blank) women and to have a wife and kids at home. Bliss for him. What a 'high' to get jazzed on.
Anyway.......you need to study the Marriage Builder plans and do a Plan A (no lovebusting) but clearly state he must stop traveling to be YOUR husband (fact, clear, concise and not demanding but factual).
Expose to all (even though he may get fired.........he could easily be fired anyway if they find out or they need to down size for other reasons).
Start squirreling away some funds and seeking legal counsel and Plan A and prepare to Plan B.
Do not let fear guide you. We know this is tough stuff.
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[
Also, as far as exposure - I'm wondering if I should tell him mom and sisters. They live far away and aren't close emotionally. I don't know that they could help and if not am I just rubbing salt in his wounds? Exposure is not salt, it is SUNLIGHT. And your husband doesn't have any "wounds;," you do. I would expose the affair and then tell him he has the leave that job and get a non traveling job. If he doesn't do that, then you should expose the affair at work. You have nothing to lose if he won't get out of there because your marriage will not survive his traveling job.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Traveling job HAS to stop. ASAP. As ML said, this is NON NEGOTIABLE. My WH was a consultant with a traveling job, and he also had affairs. He will travel again over my. dead. body. Non negotiable!
Not only does it allow him the opportunity to cheat whenever he wants to, setting him up for almost certain failure, but it will provide you with a lifetime of feeling unsafe. That is no way to live.
I would also suggest requiring him to take a polygraph test. If he has fessed up to 3 affairs in such a short timeframe, there are probably many, many things left in the closet. You cannot safeguard your marriage or recover from affairs with lies in the dark corners of the closet.
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Jesus, I can't believe this is my life. Thanks for all your responses.
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If stopping the job is not an option could you and the kids travel with him? So that you are not spending any nights apart?
Traveling jobs are hell on marriages.
Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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I am not a wayward spouse but I gave up a job with travel that I enjoyed, along with a 26% pay cut, and significant tax benefits, in order to travel less.
His employer will find out about the affairs sooner or later--and the company might just decide to discipline or fire everyone involved. If I found out my employees were acting this way, they'd all be out on their ear the same afternoon.
The best time for him to look for a new job is before he gets fired with cause (think sexual harassment) from his current job.
BH (me), age 30. Plan D final 1/1/13
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I have to admit to being afraid of him losing his job abruptly. We have no savings to speak of (due to extended hospitalization when I was pregnant). If he keeps having affairs, it will be his problem, not yours, to come up with court-ordered spousal and child support each month (and penalties, driver licence suspension, jail time, etc. for arrears if he's unemployed and can't pay up). It will be much cheaper for him to get a non-travelling job than to continue his current lifestyle, which WILL end in a divorce. I'll defer to the veterans here as far as how to explain this to him without using Love Busters.
BH (me), age 30. Plan D final 1/1/13
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I'll defer to the veterans here as far as how to explain this to him without using Love Busters. Oh please! I'd love that. Plus I'm still wondering about telling his work. His affair partners are not fellow employees or clients. Apparently he just went trolling after work.
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Sophia, your WH has poor boundaries and opportunities that are made available because of the travelling job. It's a simple exercise in logic that he cannot place himself in situations that will allow this behavior. And those situations are when he travels. Therefore, the travel must end.
I would suggest you let him know that he needs to end the travelling, or you will need to end the marriage. To do otherwise is to resign yourself to a lifetime of betrayal and hurt.
After he quits that job you can begin the work of rebuilding your marriage. But nothing is going to be accomplished in that regard while he is travelling and trolling for women.
Does his employer offer a position that he can fill so he can be home every night? That is your only alternative to staying in that job.
ETA: And you can do this without LBs. Be very frank, very concise and business-like. Let him know that this is how it's going to have to be. I suspect any LBs will come from his side when he realizes that you are no longer going to put up with his ditch-crawling. Don't respond if he becomes agitated. Stay strong, stay solid and remove yourself from the room if you find yourself wanting to LB back. Head to the kitchen and make something. Ask him if he would like meatloaf for dinner. But do NOT engage in a back-and-forth with him. You have made your boundaries known. Now he's going to have to deliver.
Last edited by maritalbliss; 10/17/12 08:16 PM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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