My husband has been having an EA/ slightly physician PA for about 2 years. We have been married for 15 years. Last January I confronted him and he told me that he should have never married me. He did love me but he was not in love with me. He also confessed to cheating on me twice before early in our marriage when he was on his two weeks active duty in the Navy.

The OW started taking an improv comedy class on Saturdays and my husband wanted to try it so being the nice wife I let him go. Four hours every Saturday. It didn�t take long before I started getting suspicious. By October I was spying on him. Every time I confronted him with anything, He told me that I was taking it out of context and they were just friends.

In January I showed him all the evidence I had found we had a big blow out. But he told me he would end it. I tried to believe it but I was wrong they just hid it more. He locked his phone and IPAD and I found out the pass number and would read what they were saying. But he didn�t know.

Finally in May we took our son to an amusement park and he had put the directions on his IPAD so he had to tell me the pass number. At that point I knew it would be changed and my heart sank. So I decided to confront him. I sent him an email detailing all I knew and demanded he have no contact with her. He moved out of our bedroom and into the guest bedroom down stair and he wouldn�t talk to me.

That night I also emailed the OW to let her know I wanted her out of my husband�s life. I was at the point that anything was better than what was going on. The next day my husband and I went to lunch and it was bad. In ten minutes time he had me so upset that I left and had begun to get ready to be divorced.

Two days later we decided to work it out and he would have no contact with her. He moped for most the summer, so I thought it was over. But then just as things were getting better at the end of August the OW�s husband called me at work to let me know that nothing had changed. My husband had created more hidden emails and facebook accounts. I was so upset.

Hubby and I talked and he said he was sorry and that he just felt bad for her because he was doing better and she wasn�t. He agreed not to see her or talk to her. He shut down the facebook. Well a month past and I found out he lied again. I confronted him and he admitted to more hidden email accounts. I was so upset that I made a huger mistake. I told him to do what ever he wanted because he would any way.

He now is going to the improv practices again where she is at. I let the OW�s husband know. WH told me that the OW decided that she was tired of living in this melodrama and it was over.

That was two weeks ago and I am still not sure I believe him. Last week I got the same speech as in January that he shouldn�t have married me that he loved me but wasn�t in love with me.

He won�t let me see the hidden email accounts. I am trying to do Part A but it is hard when he is hiding things from me and won�t come fully clean with me. I need to know what is in those emails. I have tried super hard to hide this from my kids, but my older child knows that I don�t like dad�s friend but doesn�t know why.

I feel so lost right now I am not sure where to go from here.

Plan A lasts three weeks.

And includes exposure. And telling him he's out on his ear.

You do realise the ILYBNILWY and 'should never have married you' speech only comes out when he needs to manipulate you into backing off?

Being two timed for the rest of your life, weepy, powerless, unattractive...is this what you want?

Make Plan A very short, first thing you need is an exposure plan. Most especially to your poor confused children.

Exposure to children has been very successful on these boards and in Dr Hs years in practice. He recommends telling all children over the age of four to prevent them learning bad lessons about marriage, lying, and blaming themselves.

Their dad attacks the happiness of their family knowing full well you will cover his back until it blows up in their faces!


Can you tell us if you have access to OWs FB page?

Its a full blown PA but he has lied to her about the extent.

BTW Saraphna, Gloveoil is a former wayward husband. Have you seen the quote from his wife in his signature?

THAT is what a strong, powerful Plan A spouse looks like. No anger, tears or craziness. Just a firm, fair look into his eyes (I would also recommend a great dress) and a line drawn in the sand.

He won't take you seriously until the exposure is done and you stop helping him lie.

Saraphna. I'M sorry that you are going through this.

If your WH is still going to the improv class with OW, then the affair is still on. Your WH must commit to NC for LIFE. This must be one of your conditions to keep YOU interested in this marriage and is non-negotiable.


Have you installed a keylogger on the computer and a GPS in his car?


I see that you confronted your WH...but he already knows what he is doing. Who of influence in his life have you exposed this affair to? Affairs thrive on secrecy and bringing it to the light of day is your most powerful weapon in killing this. It forces him to face the ugliness of his actions when he has to explain himself to his parents, siblings, and friends. It bursts the fantasy bubble that he is holding on to.

EXPOSURE 101 - MelodyLane<<<<<READ THIS


Furthermore, stop believing him. He has already shown you that he is capable of looking you in the eye and lying. To trust him before he has EARNED back your trust is just plain unwise Trust only what you can personally verify. But you have already learned this lesson haven't you? Don't forget it until he EARNS back your trust through his actions...right now his actions are full of

I hope you stick with us.

I wish I would have found MB a year ago. Maybe I wouldn't be going in circles like I feel now. In May I did expose the affair to all his and my family and asked for there help. They were all shocked. I exposed again when I found out from OWs husband that it was still going on. He even confessed to his mom what he had done
I have talked to him about his emotional needs and had him do the worksheet. I have told him that my largest emotional need is honesty. But this doesn't seem to register.
My biggest problem is that he has told me that is over now but I don't know that I believe him and I can't stand all the secret email accounts.
I have stood tough up to recently. I think my confidence has been a little down over the last couple days. Thank you, all of you are right. He uses ILYBNILWY as a manipulator. He has a way of making me insecure.
I don't have access to her FB because she blocked me after I sent her a message confronting her about the affair.

He no longer contacts her through any means that I have access to. After May he has done it all from work and he works in IT. The OWs husband key logged her computer. That is how he found out it was still going on. But now he says he will no longer spy on his wife. His exact words were that he didn't want to stoop to there level.
I have thought about putting a GPS in his car. I need to be stronger and demand the information I need.

Affairs change people. He is addicted (yes addicted) to having two women meet his needs now. This is the best way to get a plentiful and diverse assortment of needs with hardly any work on his part. And an ego boost, of course. He actually says ILYBNILWY as though he, an oft caught cheater were some sort of catch at the moment!!!

He doesn't care about good sense and he certainly doesn't care about your needs. How does YOUR needs get him high! If you talk about meeting HIS needs, he'll show some attention, but he is committed to keeping his two women addiction. Like all addicts his plans are very short term and concentrated only on getting the next hit.

I would check out the exposure thread because it has very good advice on dealing with children in the right way and anyone else you may have missed who has an influence.

HE told his mother? I doubt he gave a very good version of the truth if he did this at all.

Bad luck that OW blocked you. She's scared of you! Try to use the FB/exposure tips on the thread to find a way of exposing her. You might expose to the improv class for example.

Get your snooping tools lined up.

I would insist on an NC letter, full details of the affair, including a polygraph to prove his 'not physical' claims and that he commit to the marriagebuilders plan. If he says ILYBNILWY, don't react, just say you refuse to be in an unromantic marriage and has he considered where he will live?
Or maybe, just as though you haven't heard ILYBNILWY say: "Listen, buster, do you love me? If so here are my conditions".

If he continues, the next time he says it, let your face go blank, then say 'Oh dear! I forgot to buy bread!'

Or whatever you feel expresses 'I've heard that so often it's lost all meaning to me,'

You cannot rely on information from a proven liar. Sorry to sound so cynical but can you see how ridiculous that would be?


You need to demand that he commit to NC for LIFE with OW and quit the improv class. Have you asked him to quit the class?


You need to start a really stellar Plan A. No anger. The loving wife in control of herself. That is the picture you need to print in his mind...how good life is with you.

Saraphna, welcome.
It's good to see that you have tried to tackle this, but your WH appears to be determined to continue eating his cake. I would suggest you demand that he leave the house and that you file for divorce. I think he will be oblivious to anything short of that, and it doesn't appear that the OWH in this case is going to help you.

Saraphna is this OW a "friend" or someone from your social circle?

The Ow is a friend of his. I have met her in the beginning and my husband and I even went on a couple of double dates with the OW and her husband. I think that Marital Bliss may be right.
The more I insist that there be NC the deeper the lies get.

How do I make him see that life with me is so good when he sees her with rose colored glasses and me with foggy one? According to him our whole 15years have been bad.

Pack his bags and leave them on the front porch.
Go into "Plan B".
Tell everyone about the affair.
Email everyone in the comedy class also.
Visit an attorney ASAP

I wish that there was something I could do to keep it from coming to that but I know you are right. Nothing else I have done is working.

You need to protect yourself and the first step is seeing an attorney.

Sorry you're here S. My WW of >17 years said the same exact thing despite 5 children together LOL. They ALL follow the same script. Really. It's uncanny.

Lol I have read a lot of posts here and your right they all do follow the same script. He says exactly what I have read over and over here. I wish I could get him to see that. It's so sad.

Addicts dont have a brain, all they have is fog. So you cant make them see anything. If the addiction is broken up, i.e. they are both prevented from seeing each other, the relationship falls apart without you in the picture, or one AP dumps the other in shame at exposure, there will be a withdrawal period from the addiction before you see much in the way of common sense.

There are some waywards who choose the addiction for life. Even when the affair falls apart, they cheat again or refuse to mend what they broke. If he is dead set on not healing you then Plan B is the best protection for you, and the best way for him to see what life really looks like without your help and support.