Hi Guys,<P>I was laying in bed last night and had a dumb thought. Just wondered if this is the first time you experienced turmoil in your marriage or were there other times or previous separations.<P>For us this is seperation number three. We got together twice. Unfortunately this time is a little different with the introduction of the affair. I think if I would have put more effort into the marriage this would not have happened. Too bad I just found this site a couple months ago.<P>Well just wondered if you guys split up before or if it's just us.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

For me and my W... this is the first separation. Then again... everything came out of the blue to when I found out about my W's affair!<P>Jim

First separation for me and my H. We have been married 11 years and together 12 total years. Separation is because of H's ongoing affair - "He CAN'T give her up!" BLAAAAHHH!<P>Roll Me Away<BR>

This our first major problem in 21 years. It hit me like a ton of bricks!! Never been separated before and no affairs (definitely for me, & first for him or so he says).

This is a first time for us. First seperation and first affair. I thought we were happy (boy was I wrong).

We've been separated many times due to H's work, times from a few days, to weeks to months to the longest of 7 months.<P>But those were just distance issues. The 6 marital separations with different living arrangements didn't begin until after his affair had been going on for 3 months.<P>This type of separation is so much more painful--because he has chosen to do this, it isn't his employer sending him off.<BR>

This is our first separation and first affair. We were together 10 years and married for the last 1.5. H had affair and ow is pregnant. Although affair is over and there will be no contact w/ow. I asked for separation. It is the most painful time of my life. I want to tell me best friend all about it but I asked him to leave. Sometimes, I guess, we have to heal ourselves before we move on.

medic--i have been following your posts recently -- just haven't felt much like posting lately -- life is my wife hey that rhymes and it's uncanny how the same threads strike a nerve in us because we always seem to respond to them...as you read this is the first separation for both of us and it is the most painful time of my life as well... i am very depressed about not being with her and for the first time in 9 yrs will be celebrating my birthday w/o her and it's my 35th so i can be even more depressed...anyway back to your post i too wish i knew about this site before it was too late and have learned tremendously with a lot of therapy too...i can only hope that life my wife in this separation will realize that there is a way for us to recover and at some point want to try...but i do miss her and us in a way that i can't describe...you've been separated 3 times does it get any easier as time moves on?<BR>much peace and love....trying hard<BR>

First for us, too.<P>Lori

Hey, NSR, RMA, Sidney, Viki, Lor, Life, Trying Hard and Lostva!<P>Thanks for responding, I think? I really thought there would be more of us with multiple separations. Dopey Me! Well Lor, looks like we are the exception here.<P>Trying Hard, in response to your question, Does it get easier as time moves on. Time does heal [most] all wounds. I was a basket case for the first 6 months. Got on Wellbutrin and it really helps. I am reading everything I can get my little hands on. You seem to have an advantage over me that your W is here reading and learning with you. Val said she would look at SAA. I know what that means. It will sit in her car until I ask for it back.<P>Last seperation for us lasted 5 long months. Got her back by ultimatum of Divorce. I was to be the perfect H, her the perfect W. Unfortunately neither of us made any effort to change.<P>Going on 8 months now. It's getting easier for me. We still talk almost everyday, but that's about it.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

This is me & H's first separation. It's going to be 1 year on Nov 15. We are now in the process of a divorce--all H's doing; I want to stall it.

Second affair, first separation.<BR>Mine will be 1 year on Nov. 15 or so also...<P>terri

2nd separation SINCE my affair (my first and last) and we never separated when my H strayed.<P>I have no idea if it's gonna help or hinder us. <P>Our marriage was very difficult long before, but I never left because I have three kids who needed both of us, including one with special needs. I knew I couldn't support them alone.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Our first seperation, since married 12 yrs, together 15 yrs, his second stb divorce, my first.. his first marriage, wife wanted out... this marriage he wants out... he left having an OW, his ex left having an OM... he has a son from first marriage, that he left at the very same age/time as our daughter.. ironic.. seems to be a pattern going on in his life... doesn`t see when he looks in a mirror, after 2 times...!!!! Of course.. the avoider never does...!!<P>AV

Two previous serious separations, with no affair that I am aware of. (We were 2000 miles apart.) The affair was without a separation. <BR>

This is first for me, really first ongoing problem in my life. Father died in 1984, mother had heart attack and double by-pass in 97, slight stroke in 98 and now this in 99. The late 90's haven't been too good to me.

Married 17 yrs, 18 this Nov 6th(God that will be a fun day) We have separated three times over this affair issue, first time in Jan 98 for 1 month, he said he was ready to come back and commit to me and never talk to her again, then again on April 3rd, when I once again discovered his ongoing involvement, it lasted 6 weeks, with him again recommiting. Then the lst time was Aug 1, and this is the last for me. Before the affair, we had never been apart for more than a couple of days. <P>------------------<BR>Susan<P>

My wife and I separated, and split time at a motel (big mistake). This just gave her the opportunity to have sex with the OM all night while I was home with our 2 kids. When I was at the motel, I was a saint. Not that I didn't want to do something to "get even", I just had the common sense to know it would be the wrong thing to do. <P>I would not separate again unless I knew for sure our marriage was not going to work, because I know she would go back to the OM in a split second.

It our first separation, first affair. I had no idea, no can't say that I knew there were problems but nothing like this. I thought the problems were with me. THis was a total shock, surprise what ever you want to call it. It hit like a ton of bricks and there is still some of those brick hitting me everso often.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hey to Jackie, Teri, NB, Anster, TNT, RWD, Sue, MJINGIT and SDS.<P>Thanks for your replies. I believe I am starting to see a pattern in our situations. They are all unique by themselves but all so common in many ways.<P>It seems that most of us were, or really are still hoping to be, in long term relationships. We were only married for 5 years in July but have been together for 11.<P>Many of us knew of some existing problems in our marriages. What we did with that information to correct or change the circumstances is a personal issue.<P>Many of us didn't see "it" coming. This goes for the betrayer and the betrayed. I don't believe any here meant to cause pain upon the other partner. Maybe we ignored the clues or really didn't thing our S was capable of same. I will readily admit I had no clue to be a "good" H. Val was telling me of our problems. I thought I was fixing them. Her complaining stopped. I did not realize she was pulling away from me and towards another.<P>I think Dr H books should be required reading prior to marriage. They have helped me greatly. If only I would have found this site last year I probable would be sleeping like spoons with my beloved right now. <P>We both read the Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Didn't get much out of that. Should have dug a little deeper.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic