Does anyone have advice for me on this?

Hey bnmt. You know that you can't control her. What you can do however, is control everything about yourself. Keep reading and studying the materials here. You have to change those things that hurt her. It will take time to clean up your side of the street, but you can do it. We all need what we need. Have you given her just compensation for what you have done? We all know when someone is truly sorry for what they have done. By that, I mean, we know whether you are sorry that you hurt us deeply and ruined trust, or whether you are just sorry that it happened and got caught. You have to be humble, open it all up. We would rather see you be human and show us your fears and weaknesses, than to cover them up, be "the man", everything is fine, but actions proving that you aren't. Why don't YOU write up a list of EP (extrordinary precautions) that you WILL abide by and give it to her saying that you have learned some things and would love the chance to prove it to her. Explain why. Have you read Surviving an Affair (SAA)? Give her a copy too. No doubt, she will realize some love busters and things she may have been doing to hurt you too. We all mess up in marriage. It is an eye-opening, humbling experience when we realize we were wrong when we didn't think so.

You have to care about what your wife needs. You have to care to give her the care and protection that she needs. She married you for it, so you don't want her seeking another place for it if you aren't going to provide it. Actions speak louder than words, so get to it.

About moving home, I honestly feel that it is your home too. This isn't a situation where you left her for another woman. I hope the pros here tell you correctly, but I am inclined to maybe you should.

Are you sure that she is not in an EA or PA (emotional affair or physical affair) with someone? Most people want to work on it, and don't give up that easily. Although, you didn't do the right thing when she told you what she needed. ??????? Do it now!! Do the right thing by her now.

Also, know that this is going to take time. It will take her itme to see some changes. Then it will take more time with you being consistent in those changes for her to believe that you might really have made the right changes and that they are permanent, not just to get her back. She wants and needs safety and security in all areas with you. If there is even a possibility that you don't love her enough to do the right things (you showed her you didn't by not doing them after she found out), then no one in their right mind would take the risk before knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are proving it with your actions.

I would not live 40 miles away unless you've been ordered to by a court. If you can't live with her, get a job and a house/apartment close to her, at least.

the only reason im so far away is its free. Thats all we can afford.I go down almost every day after work and see the kids for about an hour. I'm afraid if I just tell her I'm moving back in she will think im trying to control things again. I dont want to control her. I just want to love her.

Get your [censored] back into YOUR HOME. You ARE controlling things, as is your right! You are THE MAN OF THE HOUSE. You have a right to be there!

STOP BEING AFRAID OF YOUR WIFE. STAND UP FOR YOUR FAMILY. DO IT NOW.

Ordinarily I would agree with you, but in this case I do not think this is appropriate advice. bnmt has been asked by his wife to leave due to his own infidelity and abuse. He would like another chance, but I don't think he can demand one at this point.

Ah, thank you Markos - I read too quickly

I think MB may have made the mistake I did at first, assuming he was the BH. Not sure though.

I'm always afraid of doing that!

So I need to stay focused on me and my children and let her make the decision? It's hard sometimes to stay focused. I miss her a lot.

Have you asked her if she would let you return?

Have you asked if you could move into the spare room?

What does she say?

Have you thought about emailing Dr. Harley?

Have you set up an appointment for coaching with the Harley's?

And PLEEEEEAAAASSSSEEEE don't say, I can't afford it.....

Set up an appointment and invite her to participate. It's very easy to do. If she won't, then do it alone!

They will help you!


You are sinking your marriage even more than you already have with your inactions! Man up and make the appointment!

Are you seeking counseling?
People can change. I have no doubt that you can too! You just need some help

How do you email Dr Harley? As far as affording a session I honestly can't. We were already pretty much pay to pay. Im the one that asked her to consider a separation. She was going straight for the divorce. If I tried to move in before she is ready I'm afraid she would think I was trying to take control. Im really worried I waited too long to save my marriage.

Yes, I'm going to counseling twice a week. Plus studying the stuff on this site and reading Dr. Harley 's books. Love busters and surviving an affair. I'm working hard on myself. I just hope its not too late.

You are arguing for self limits. You are the only one who can stop your controlling behavior and if you believe that must be done over a long period of time while you see a counselor, it will take a long period of time while you see a counselor. Guess what? You can make a real decision deep down inside to stop today. One-thousand times every day stop and ask, "Am I being controlling?" Do this even if you are alone and there is nobody to control. You might be surprised.

So no what I do I seem to piss her off. We actually texted a lot yesterday, just casual stuff and today its like she is pissed because she wasnt pissed. I dont feel like i can win. How long can I expect this to go on?

Please do this ASAP.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

It sounds to me like you made love bank deposits yesterday. NOW, though, you just need to stay the course. When a man has had a problem with anger in the past, his wife is very, VERY likely to test him. She wants to see if you are going to become angry now that she is pulling back and angry.

If you can stay calm and stable, leave the door open for her to retreat like this so she realizes she is not "trapped" with you, don't apply pressure to her, and continue to try to make pleasant conversation when she is open to it, you will probably succeed at winning your wife back.