Hey there, we're approaching D-Day +1. All the pain lays in wait, in full view, wanting me to roll in it. With a complicated story, I'm a FWH and have been working pretty diligently to reconcile with FWW. I learned my lesson the hard way. But this D-Day would be a lot easier to face if FWW would make more of an effort. When we discovered MB, we got off to a strong start, reconnected emotionally, recommitted, even with the horrific emotional roller-coaster. But now, it feels like I'm the only one on the reconciliation ride, and even though we have EPs & boundaries in place, and even with my sustained efforts, I wonder where her love went?

Are you getting a minimum of 15 to 20 hours a week in undivided attention meeting the four critical ENs of affection, conversation, recreation, and sexual fulfillment? Most often, when either my H or I were feeling badly, it was because our UA time had dropped off.

AM

I agree. Please read this.

The Critical Importance of UNDIVIDED Attention

SadDude, how many hours a week are you spending together in UA time? I'm not talking about watching TV together. True Undivided Attention. Are you pursuing recreational activities together? Spending one-on-one time together?

We do spend plenty of time together, but it's probably not enough quality UA time (too much TV). We do RA together.
There are likely other issues at play- she carries a big load around; she runs a business, looks after an older mother (occas. eves), and the economy hasn't helped business much, so there's that added stress. I'm involved in all of the above, but seem to weather it better than her. I do my best to be supportive and helpful, but sometimes feel invisible. Most of the time, she has no energy left for me, and lots of times my EN's go unmet.
It hurts to think that for years she had plenty of energy for another, so my mind frequently runs mock comparisons, and I need her frequent reassurances. I'd feel a lot better if I didn't have to prompt her for these. I've told her this, but just don't get the message through, and it doesn't change.
As a FWH, I do my best to reassure her, frequently, and have turned the corner for good. I paid attention to her EN questionnaire, and seek a howgozit regularly. I don't want a marriage that limps to the finish line. I've seen glimmers of what it could be, the closeness of our hearts, but now wonder if it's attainable.

Have you tried the MB marriage coaching?
Maybe some outside professional help may be beneficial?

Did you read the thread I posted? Have you tried sitting down and make a schedule?

Thanks Brain. I did read the link, thanks. "Making a schedule" sounds too deliberate - do you/have you actually written out (with partner's consent) a weekly schedule? Can you share with me an example?
I'm completely on-board with the UA time requirements, but maybe haven't tried hard enough to ensure its "quality".

Yes. We sit down and schedule out our week. Dr. Harley recommends Sundays to do schedule the week.

We do it on Saturdays because we work Sundays. We also work together so we are together 24/7 (part of my WH's EPs since his affairs happened at work).

For example we will write UA for Fridays from 12-8 and then we will schedule our activities, Fishing, shooting (whatever RA we are planning). Lunch or dinner at 12-2 or 4-6.

That's just an example.

So what RA do you both enjoy?

Making a schedule is deliberate. There is a worksheet for UA time. Fill it out and then weekly plot the time on a graph. My H and I made a schedule and then plotted the UA time for 84 straight weeks. It was interesting to note that whenever the time dipped below 15 hours or so, we both started feeling badly. We are not as deliberate with the schedule now as we spend nearly all our time together.

AM