When my H brought the kids back from taking them to dinner, the three year old was screaming. She really likes going places in the car, so she is usually not happy to come home, but this was worse than usual. She kept asking to go back to the restaurant; she wouldn't let me touch her, and she kept wanting her father to pick her up and get back in the car. She was crying so hard she was shaking, but within 30 seconds after he left she had completely stopped. It did occur to me that this was not just about wanting to stay at the restaurant - she obviously realizes that when she comes home her father leaves, and she rarely gets very upset when I bring her home from somewhere. She is not sufficiently verbal to have any understanding of her father leaving, or to have him explain when he will next see her. Up until now she has seemed to have been handing this much better than the other kids, not acting much different than she normally does. I have read that children often have delayed reactions, months or even years later, and maybe this is what is happening.

You probably have a good idea of what it is all about, associating coming home with dad to dad leaving her again.<P>Better suggest that he come in and dawdle for a while before he leaves, so she can get involved in another activity - and not feel so threatened when he leaves. <P>Kids at 3 don't have a lot of understanding of what is going on, but it hurts them just as bad as if they are 18. <P>Your kids are very blessed to have a mother like you, Nellie. You are quite a wonderful gal. You keep up your good work.

trustntruth,<P>Thanks for your response. Unfortunately, he won't "dawdle". He won't spend any more time than absolutely essential in our house - he is always glancing at the clock. He normally gets there about six - funny how this week and last his pager went off at about five past. Tonight I don't think he even looked at it. Wonder who it could be.

Nellie,<BR>Sorry to hear about your and your childs pain. I guess 3 yo is too young for counseling.<P>I worry too about my kids delayed reaction to their mother living although they still see her occaisonally, 2-3x a week.<P>Neither kid has shown any concern about her leaving. Only 1-2 times has my son asked for his mother. My daughter hasn't said anything to me. <P>Funny(?) thing is my w told me last nite she thinks she has a better relationship now with our daughter.

RWD,<BR>I don't understand how they can convince themselves that their leaving doesn't harm their relationship with their children.<P>

Hi, Nellie: Yes, it's so unfortunate that it seems to affect the children much more than the adults. At least a spouse can try to understand the situation, but the children?<P>One of my grandsons (who is now 6) developed a very close bond to my son, when he was younger. By the time my grandson was 2, he would sit at the door without moving, from the time my son left for work until he came home. At one point, he was even eating his meals there.<P>When I would speak to him on the phone, and ask him what he was doing, he would reply that he was waiting for his daddy to come home. This lasted for about 3 months, and to this day, we still have not figured out why he was so insecure about his daddy returning home.<P>Thank God he developed into a healthy, active child, but I can only imagine how it would have affected him if there had been a separation at that point in his life.<P>Nellie, the only thing you can do is heap mounds of love on your child, reassure her that the both of you will always be there for her. In other words, just continue doing what you have been doing. You are a great mom, and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. <P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

why me,<BR>Unfortunately, she doesn't speak well enough for reassurance to mean much to her. All she knows is that her Daddy periodically shows up for brief periods of time, and every once in awhile he takes her away to another house. I was really worried the first time she went that she wouldn't realize she was ever going to see me again.

Nellie1 -- It sounds to me like your daughter is using all the weapons she has to keep the family together.<P>When my W and I were seperated, I was only allowed to see my daughter four hours a week (my W filed a restraining order against me). The first several times I saw her, she was like a second skin. She wanted to be as close to me a physically possible. Then when it came time for her to be picked up by her mom, she went balistic. To this day, I can still hear her screams asking me to come with her, not wanting to get into the car with my W etc. My daughter was 4 years old at the time, and the only way she knew to try and get us back together as a family was this action.<P>The only advice I can give you is to let your daughter know that you love her and that she is not responsible for the problems between you and your H.<P>God Bless

Nellie 1,<BR>You might be surprise just how much a three year old takes in. My grandson is three and his comments about his grandfather is. He blew away and doesn't want to live with mommommy(me) any more. And it makes her sad and I don't want her to cry. Sometimes he will make a comment that he wants to go look for him. I can always tell he has been thinking about him because most of this conversation will come out of the blue. So they may not completely understand but they do know certain things. I would say that wanted to go back to the restaurant was her way of keeping daddy with her. I know it is hard . I can't believe that our S can be such jerks. I can take their treatment but to treat a child this way makes me boil. All I can say is keep reassuring her and I know there are books that you can read to her about what is happening. I can't remember if you are seeing a counselor or not but if you are they could probably recommend some childrens books for her. If you can't find any let me know I know a place I could check for you. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

My W see my kids every other weekend. Last Sunday I had the same experience from my 7 year old daughter. When my W tried to drive away... my daughter broke into tears.... I had to run after the car, carry my crying daughter to the car... and then they spent another 10-15 minutes talking/cuddling.<P>I don't understand how my W can be satisfied to spend just 2 days with them after 12 days with me? I know it hurts them to not be with their mom.<P>Jim

Nellie-<P>I know how you feel. My h doesn't even step foot in the house anymore. We pass our D through the door. Boy, that has to be a great feeling for her.<BR>He pretends that his relationship w/ her is SO much better now. He rarely did ANYTHING w/ her while he was living at home, but now, he seems to go out of his way to want her.<BR>My D gets diarrhea every time he picks her up and she vomits every time he leaves. Apparently this has no affect on my H; he says it's because of me!!!!<BR>Sorry. I don't know what these people are thinking. It certainly isn't about their childrens well being.<P>Cheryl<BR>

These H and W do not see the forest for the trees. In my case it is all about his happiness at the expense of family. He did not see the 2 younger teens much and does so seperately on "his" weekend which means I am always on. The kids see him and need to be extra nice to him so that he will not desert them too. Not an honest relationship at all. <BR>Nellie, I often wonder how they can do thisd to their children, this person who was not perfect, is now so deep into himself that the needs of those closest to him are insignificant. He tells all "the kids are fine" NO they are not. My 13 year old daughter is a wreck, failing now at school, seeing therapists etc, but he does not even want to know about this and the only news about the kids he gets from them...and they do not want to upset him nor do they want to let him scream at themsince he does nothing about anything anyway!!!.<BR>Maybe your daughter feels that if she is demonstrative of her feelings and at her age the only way to "do something" is to let him know her feelings about the situation in a way that makes sense for her. After he left, she stopped...it is her anger that is coming out to, he left, you did not so why cry when you cannot do anything to help her....just my take again.<BR>All you can do is provide the love, caring and stability that she has been receiving from you and she trusts you to stay with her.<BR>Take care of yourself