Hi, I'm part of the support system for my sister-in-law. Her H has all the classic signs/symptoms of an EA and from my own experience, I think it was full blown and she does too. When her H (my bro) returned from deployment, all he owned up to is the amount of texting he carried on with (OW whom is now divorced but dating her ex H again). My bro and sis in law have been working on repairing marriage with a counselor, but it sure appears that my bro is laying all the marital conflict responsibility on her shoulders and even though he says he is working on marriage and doesn't plan to leave, I think he's just going through the motions. When she asked my bro if he wants to stay married, he replied "I don't know". Can anyone describe for me the signs of someone contemplating on leaving, but merely just going through the motions of trying to repair the marriage to appease the BS? It's been 9 years since my D, and I don't recall specifically.

Welcome to MB and very nice to have the support for your SIL.

Will she also come here?

What snooping has she put in place? He may still be talking to the OW and snooping will tell her that.

Read this.
How affairs begin.

Thanks BrainHurts.

Yes my SIL had been on the site a few months ago, but hasn't been on since. There has been some accountability measures like him offering up his cell phone for her to check/go through, but not much else. She does know about all the other accountability measures as she has read the book Surviving an Affair. However, not sure if any other measures have been put in place.

Do you know her posting name?

Does she have snooping techniques in place? If so, what are they?

How can we help?

This is a classic example then of someone picking and choosing the path to recovery and not committing to the MB recovery plan. Dr Harley says deviation from his plan is very likely to fail (and something you will see here often).

Can she see that this plan she has created is failing? Is she willing to start from scratch and follow the MB plan rather than her own plan?

Very nice of you to support her and seek help from her, when the WH is your own brother. Great job standing up for what's moral and right.

What I suspect is that he is lying about his affair, which keeps him in the fog and serves as an obstacle to true intimacy. If I were her, I would insist he take a polygraph. Just set up an appointment and tell him 2 days in advance. Hand him a list of all her questions and tell him he has until the night before the test to come clean as an amnesty period. And then if he flunks the polygraph she will know he is still lying.

It is amazing how many waywards sing like a canary before the test. They don't want to flunk the test so they typically spill their guts!

MelodyLane, unwritten & BrainHurts,

My SIL is still reading the book, but probably won't be back on this site as she isn't sure that it's Christian based and that's a big deal to her. As for snooping techniques in place, I don't think so anymore since he moved out on Thursday, Nov. 8th. As for how you can help, I just don't know how else to help her.

I'm not sure unwritten if my SIL is willing to start all over, but she does still reach out to her husband despite that he moved out. She just gets nothing, no emotion in response; just rejection or one word replies. I'll ask her if she's willing to start over with the MB plan.

MelodyLane, you could be right about him still lying about the affair since he NEVER even admitted that he has had one yet. The only thing he's admitted to doing wrong is the amount of texting the OP was inappropriate but excused it away as he was helping her through some of her marital problems of her own. Blah, blah. I do not believe him which is tough. Also, MelodyLane, you had helped my SIL when she first came on here. Her posting name is Armywife I think. Also I don't think she would go to the lengths of scheduling or requesting a polygraph simply because she believes her husband has made up his mind weeks ago.

One thing I do have that I question is the fact that it has come to my attention that both my bro and this OP are both registered to take classes at the same community college in the city they both live in. I personally don't think it is a coincidence at all. What do you think on how I can verify that it isn't a coincidence?

How do you start a reply with the quote of a post in that box like BrainHurts and MelodyLane did? What buttons do you use to do it?

Is this your SIL?
Army_wife's Thread

Dr. Harley the founder of MB is Christian.
Here Meet Dr. Harley

Probably not, but snooping will get you the answers. Can she hire a PI?

Hit the quote button at the bottom right of each post.

She might have gotten hung up on the exposure part. She didn't say so, but a lot of people get stuck right there because they don't like that idea. It might make their spouse more mad at them. It might make their spouse leave them........

I am also not sure that she understands the connecton between
"addiction" and the terms used to describe his affair as an addiction.

Tell her the bible says to shine a light on the evil deed. It holds us accountable. We don't like shame. Exposure is actually a very good thing.

Is this your SIL?

Yes, that's her. Well, my bro moved out and filed two weeks later. Now, he's claiming to only have $1,300 to his name and neither her or me believe that at all. We believe he has hidden thousands of dollars in either overseas accounts or into other means since he was making at least 8k a month. It just doesn't seem to be getting any easier for her.

Has she gone to the IG yet and exposed his affair? Does she have a lawyer? They should be able to pull his financials? He is in the military, correct? He should be ordered to pay support and BAQ.

jss4, I am sorry to hear that. I had advised your SIL to report the affair to the Inspector General. Do you know if she did that? I didn't get the sense that she was very proactive, which makes it pretty hard to save a marriage.