|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I agree that it is an excellent idea for the AP to tell the BS, but I'm wondering if it is actually necessary for the AP to do it if the WS refuses. How else would the BS find out if the WS refused? Most WS's will not bust themselves so it typically is left to others to tell the BS.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707 |
My ex-husband DID cheat on me, and I found out because the OW told me. I am not asking whether it is the right thing to do. Speaking from personal experience, I believe the wife has a right to know.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 21
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 21 |
I know this would end things permanently between MP and I. That scares me. I love him. I am in a horrible painful bind. In a later post, you said that you had ended the affair, blocked his email and phone. Can you clarify which is true? What kind of bind are you actually in? Is the affair ended permanently or not? Is it your goal to end the affair or are you hoping to give a divorce ultimatum? Same questions. Please clarify your goals and purpose here. Well, as you can see...I joined today, ended the affair TODAY and exposed TODAY. Not sure how that needs clarifying. AM
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108 |
General question: Does Dr. Harley recommend that the AP tell the BS? I understand that Dr. H states that the affair should immediately be ended and exposed. My question is "By whom should the affair be exposed?" If the main purpose of exposure is to end the affair, what is the goal of the AP exposing an affair that already ended? The AP might be able to clear her conscience and enlighten the BS and prevent future affairs, but to my understanding, those would be side benefits of exposure; they are not the main purpose of exposure. I agree that it is an excellent idea for the AP to tell the BS, but I'm wondering if it is actually necessary for the AP to do it if the WS refuses. Thank you Jessica...this has been my question. Yes, I did end the affair...TODAY. I was wondering if HE should tell his wife. After reading here that it is unlikely he would be forthcoming, rather he'd make me out to be the stalker, I decided I should inform her myself. I was unable to get a work phone number for her but did contact her on her work email stating that I was deeply sorry to tell her of my role and I gave her my contact information if she wanted details or evidence. As I indicated earlier, I have blocked MP's phone and email. I told her I would not be in further contact with him. Anyway...thanks again to all of you. You supported me in doing the right thing, which I knew was the right thing all along, just needed to hear it from voices of experience. Good job LW. I know that was not easy but you did the right thing. If you start feeling withdrawls of OM, anger, sadness, etc., please come here and post.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 21
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 21 |
My husband DID cheat on me, and I found out because the OW called me. I am not asking whether it is the right thing to do. Speaking from personal experience, I believe the wife has a right to know. May I ask how she contacted you and what did she say? Was it helpful to learn details or was knowing he'd had an affair all you wanted to know? And, I'm sorry this happened to you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352 |
...did contact her on her work email stating that I was deeply sorry to tell her of my role and I gave her my contact information if she wanted details or evidence.
Well done, friend.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
My husband DID cheat on me, and I found out because the OW called me. I am not asking whether it is the right thing to do. Speaking from personal experience, I believe the wife has a right to know. May I ask how she contacted you and what did she say? Was it helpful to learn details or was knowing he'd had an affair all you wanted to know? And, I'm sorry this happened to you. Liz, it is important to give her as much information as possible and to make yourself available for follow up questions. If she doesn't have the follow up contact and as much information as possible, her husband will dismiss it and she will have no where to go. If she has the evidence he can't get away with denying it. Tell her every thing you know, give her names, dates, times and any correspondence you have. Give her as much as you can so she has a complete picture. That will help her make a decision about her marriage. The more information you can give her, the better.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 21
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 21 |
Melody, I felt conflicted as I was contacting her on a work owned email. I did tell her the purpose of my email (the affair) and said I would be available to her to provide details, and yes evidence such as emails/pictures. I didn't want to put too much revealing data in an email I wasn't sure was private for HER sake. Unfortunately, the only way I know to contact her is at her office and they have a system of emails using the employees first initial and last name along with the company name. If I don't hear from her in a couple of days, I will send her a written note to her office address. I don't want to cause her more pain or embarassment at work.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
You have done the right thing.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387 |
As a BS, Thank You for your courage and resolve to end this affair and tell the wife.
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707 |
It happened many years ago. I was pregnant with my second child and I came downstairs to the kitchen early one morning. My ex had already left for work, and my firstborn was still asleep upstairs. The light was blinking on the answering machine, and I clicked to hear the message. I heard a woman's voice, crying and telling my ex that she was still in love with him, and couldn't let him go. I remember walking in circles around the kitchen, in my bare feet and my nightgown. I kept stopping to replay the message, trying to get my mind around the words. I kept thinking this isn't really happening to me right now. Please God, no. And then I very consciously thought "I will remember this moment for the rest of my life." It happened 14 years ago, but it is still as fresh in my mind as if it happened yesterday.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589 |
LW,
Yes, LW. You have done the right thing. Today was a step in the right direction towards restoring your integrity and character.
Be sure to keep dark and not let your affair partner communicate with you. Those good feelings you experienced with this innocent and ignorant (at least until today) woman's husband are often compared to those feelings that occur during an addiction. Many, if not most people, will experience some sort of withdrawal from the affair partner. Get through the withdrawal period without contacting him.
I know there is alot of reading here. When you have an opportunity, read Dr. Harley's basic concepts about the love bank and how romantic love occurs when someone meets our emotional needs.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156 |
My ex-husband DID cheat on me, and I found out because the OW told me. I am not asking whether it is the right thing to do. Speaking from personal experience, I believe the wife has a right to know. Well then, I'm unsure what you are asking. In all cases I'm all for the AP exposing themselves if they have the guts, but more so in this case. Liz had some serious feelings for this guy, but her conscience trumped her feelings, and that's a sign of a good woman admitting to doing an awful thing to another man's wife and owning up to it. It wasn't out of a need for revenge, but a need to make things right. I respect that. I'm not sure what you are getting at.
Last edited by Viper; 12/03/12 09:44 PM.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589 |
"In all cases I'm all for the AP exposing themselves if they have the guts, but more so in this case. Liz had some serious feelings for this guy, but her conscience trumped her feelings, and that's a sign of a good woman admitting to doing an awful thing to another man's wife and owning up to it. It wasn't out of a need for revenge, but a need to make things right.
I respect that."
I agree with this ONLY if LW never contacts this man again. She broke it off with him TODAY.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 387 |
LW,
Don't give up this site just yet. You can bet that your feelings will play havoc on you in the coming weeks "withdrawal". You can assume the OMW will try to contact you, she may want more details or proof. The OM may try to contact you.... You just blew up his fantasy word. He will have withdrawals as well, and may look to reconnect in the future, hoping you're willing to give it another try. In all those occations, STAY STRONG.
There are plenty of people here to advise and support you. You have taken the first step, not the last, in rebuilding your life.
God Bless, Stay Strong.
Me (BH): 42
Her (WS): 39
Married 19 yrs
DD: 16, DD: 11, DD: 7
D-Day: 7-5-2011, Caught searching 10-15-2012
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Melody, I felt conflicted as I was contacting her on a work owned email. I did tell her the purpose of my email (the affair) and said I would be available to her to provide details, and yes evidence such as emails/pictures. I didn't want to put too much revealing data in an email I wasn't sure was private for HER sake. Unfortunately, the only way I know to contact her is at her office and they have a system of emails using the employees first initial and last name along with the company name. If I don't hear from her in a couple of days, I will send her a written note to her office address. I don't want to cause her more pain or embarassment at work. I think you did the right thing and agree with your thinking here. When you give her the evidence, she really needs to be prepared for it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156 |
"In all cases I'm all for the AP exposing themselves if they have the guts, but more so in this case. Liz had some serious feelings for this guy, but her conscience trumped her feelings, and that's a sign of a good woman admitting to doing an awful thing to another man's wife and owning up to it. It wasn't out of a need for revenge, but a need to make things right.
I respect that."
I agree with this ONLY if LW never contacts this man again. She broke it off with him TODAY.
AM And exposing on the same day speaks volumes for her. That's pretty gutsy. Gonna be kind of hard to maintain contact with the BW watching like a hawk. But you are certainly right, NC means NC....forever. LW, do you really want to stay involved, or get involved again with a "man" that would do this to his wife? If he'll do it to her, what makes you think he won't do it to you? Oh, I would also bet the farm that you aren't the only one he's flinging around with. This guy's a player and a vulture. Nothing more, nothing less. I think you'll discover this soon enough.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707 |
I guess my point was that if the AP has already ended the affair, and WS continues lying to the BS, the AP's exposure isn't necessarily going to be effective. My ex went on to have more affairs. Eight years later, I divorced him. When the papers were signed and we were walking out of my attorney's office, he asked me to have coffee with him. We walked into a cafe and sat down. For the very first time, he came clean. Talk about "too little, too late."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I guess my point was that if the AP has already ended the affair, and WS continues lying to the BS, the AP's exposure isn't necessarily going to be effective. Of course it will be effective. It doesn't matter WHO exposes the affair to the BS, exposure effectively informs the BS. It doesn't matter if the WS lies about it. You don't need the admission of the WS to know the truth.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707 |
His wife's world is exploding right now, LW. But you did the right thing. I will pray for her. And for you.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
115
guests, and
46
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
