FYI Jennifer does not offer the 5 session discount.

TW, I think in your case, you would benefit from counseling with Steve and then signing up for the online program. I would not do this on your own and I will tell you why. You are in the habit of not being open and honest with your husband and you need someone else to drive your program and motivate your husband.

Steve could sell the program to your husband and then you would be prepared to go through the online program. [where they assign you a coach and you have daily access to Dr Harley]

Dr Harley specializes in MARRIAGES, whether they had an affair or not. He is a marriage expert. In the counseling sessions, Steve breaks them up with 30 minutes for the wife and 30 minutes for the husband. Actually, he goes OVER quite a bit and I understand that he finishes his sessions when he is done, not necessarily when the hour ends.

Most men really like Steve. Dr Chalmers is also very, very good but your H might respond well to Steve, IMO.

I would start by playing the radio clip for your husband and then presenting a plan. What do you think?

Effective Marriage Counseling:

Does Marriage Builders Really Work?

When I found that the model I've developed had helped over 90% of those I was counseling, I gave up my career as a college professor and started counseling full-time. At the time, I didn't assume that it would save all of the marriages it seemed to help, because I felt there were factors beyond a couple's control. But after 35 years of experience with this model, I'm not convinced that it works with 100% of couples who follow it. I've yet to witness one couple out of the tens of thousands I've seen, that did not experience a healthy and happy marriage by following this model. Personally, I feel it's the only answer to the question, how can a couple have a great marriage for life?

But it's very difficult to prove that one model of marital satisfaction is superior to another. The ultimate test is to randomly assign couples to various models and to measure their marital satisfaction after the provisions of each model have been implemented.

The training of therapists is a huge problem: How can we be sure that the therapist assigned to each model was properly trained? And there's also the problem of representation and random assignment: Does the group of volunteer couples represent the population at large? And is the assignment to treatment groups really random? There's also the ethical problem of assigning couples to a control group where they receive no effective treatment. When they divorce, does the researcher bear any responsibility? Finally, if someone who has a stake in the outcome does the research, it usually shows that their approach is best. Shouldn't studies of alternative models of marital satisfaction be conducted by those neutral to the outcome?

My own personal experience led me to the model I've been using for the past 35 years. But that's not proof of it's superiority over other models. What I need is objective studies conducted by those who have no bias that compare this model to others. That's hard to find even among those who have published hundreds of articles on martial therapy.

But I can direct you to three studies that support my enthusiasm. They all deal with my book, His Needs, Her Needs, the popular application of my model, and the effect it has on couples that read it.

The readers of Marriage Partnership Magazine were asked which self-help book on marriage helped their marriages the most. In that survey, His Needs, Her Needs came out on top. I didn't know that the survey was even being conducted, so when I called the editor after the results came in, I was curious to know more. He told me that it not only was the top choice, but it was far ahead of second place (Ron R. Lee. Best Books for a Better Marriage: Reader's Survey . Marriage Partnership Magazine, Spring 1998).

In a national survey that I sponsored, people were asked if any self-help book on marriage solved their marital problems. Out of 57 books that were read, only three were reported to have actually solved marital problems. The three were the Bible, James Dobson's Love for a Lifetime, and His Needs, Her Needs (Lynn Hanacek Gravel. Americans and Marriage: National Survey of US Adults. Barna Research Group, 2001).

Finally, five out of six couples that read His Needs Her Needs were found to experience significant improvement in marital satisfaction (Julie D. Braswell. The Impact of Reading a Self-Help Book on the Topic of Gender Differences on One's Perceived Quality of Marriage. Doctoral Dissertation, 1998, Azusa Pacific University.

Granted, these findings are not conclusive evidence that the model I use is superior to every other model of marital satisfaction. But when you find one that works for every couple that actually follows it, you have to be impressed. And coming as I did from almost zero effectiveness to almost complete success, I can't begin to tell you how convinced I am that it's the solution to a very difficult problem we face in our society.

Your husband sounds like a guy that likes to stay busy.
What does he listen to when he drives? Talk radio or music?
Personally I have to listen to a book cd or talk radio when I drive. I consider music a waste of time.
If you get him the book on CD he may listen to it.

Ok, so we are talking around $1,000 for the counseling and $945 for the online program. Gulp.. I've never asked to spend that much money in my life... Ok, not quite. When my father died, I got $15,000 in life insurance and then had about $15,000 left in his checking account after bills were paid, funeral and burial expenses and I gave my sister her half. I asked him if he would mind my using 4 or 5 thousand of it to take my mom and sister on a girls trip to Disney. He agreed. ( That was the best, most fun trip btw and I'm so glad I did it while my mom was still healthy!!!)

We've used the rest of that checking account to fund mission traveling expenses, though there is still 5,000 left and my life insurance part is now worth 16,500. So maybe I will offer to pay for it out of that... Or he keeps asking me what I want for Christmas and my answer has been the same: I want time with you. I want a date with you each week.. So 52 dates this year. You should be proud of me. He has been a bit frustrated and asked me what he could buy for me and I have said, "Nothing. I want a date with you each week." However, sigh that hasn't stopped the packages from coming here addressed to him. It is the same every year. My pile is the hugest pile of presents. The kids always laugh because I am still opening long after they are... I should be grateful.. Most wives would kill for that.. Maybe I can ask him to just send back all of that stuff and just give me counseling.

One more question... I've come to realize that it is a lot about how dysfunctional I am. I mean when we dated I had a wart and I put a bandaid on it so he wouldn't see it for over 6 months. He still laughs about that. That right there should have told him a lot. Because my dad could go from laughing, to screaming in anger to lying in bed not wanting to get out in a space of 24 hours, I learned how to keep the peace, not cause waves at any cost. Now I've married my dad's opposite: Mr. Steady who never raises his voice. Can Steve fix me?????????

I've also got to figure out the time to talk about it.. This is the busiest week of my year. Tonight is my daughter's orchestra concert. My husband has an office meeting tomorrow night about the new building and I have the last adult/children's choir combined rehearsal. Thursday night I have the graduation meeting I am in charge of. Friday night hubby and the boys are going to the high school playoff game: they win this and they are in the state championship. Saturday my duaghter and I have dress rehearsal. Sunday morning we have the performance, at 2 pm is her violin recital and our Sunday School Christmas party is that night.

Whew...after that the only responsiblity I have is possibly something to sing Christmas Eve. So it will be next week, probably. Thankfully hubby isn't on call again until Christmas Day.

This is a behaviorally based program. You change your behaviors, and the emotions follow.

Dr. H talks about the approach occasionally durign the shows. Perhaps you can search for it and hear what he has to say.


Once you learn POJA, you will not be in knots trying to figure out how to ask your husband to spend a small portion of his earnings to enhance the most important thing in his life (his marriage). It goes like this: "I heard of a counselor who could help us make our marriage thrive more than we ever imagined. Would you be enthusiastic about giving it a shot?"
or "I would not be enthusiastic about a mountain of gifts for Christmas, but I would be enthusiastic about going out on weekly dates with you, how would you feel about that?"

I recommend the program. Your husband is obviously a very smart man; he will be a quick study.

opt

It only takes a brief few minutes to let the cat out of the bag. To open the door so to speak. Tear off that band-aid with one quick motion Tired. Just do it. Stop making excuses of things you have to do that will stop you from doing it. Procrastination is my middle name and I can tell you it doesn't work for anyone.

That does sound like a busy week. But I'm sure there will be a window of opportunity nearly everyone of those days to have a 5 or 10 minute conversation with your hubby. He may need a little more time if he's to listen to your radio show but he can't schedule time to listen to it if he doesn't know about it.

I'm all for you doing it tonight. nudge nudge

As far as paying for the counseling you tell him it is important to you and the marriage. Get his agreement and then you two negotiate as a team on how to pay for it.

It won't take long to tell him what you are thinking about. Then he can consider the situation on his own, if not right away.

The best time to talk about the most important thing in your life is....immediately.

opt

But I've NEVER been able to do that. Even when we were dating, it would take us hours of him saying, "What's wrong?" "Nothing" "What's wrong" "Nothing" "What's wrong" Then I would cry and release it all. But that was only after several hours of talking.. I have to feel completely and utterly safe. I just don't know how I am going to do this..

Tired, is that you want your kids to learn from your example, that you can't ask a spouse for things, because you don't "deserve" to? Courage is feeling fear and doing it anyway.

If you're not sure, and that's the reason you don't ask, then come out and say it. But if it's really the fear of talking to him, then send him an email, or find some other way you are enthusiastic about being honest with him.

I agree with NED.
This is why you need to learn the program. You will soon see that your responses illustrated above are not following the policy of radical honesty. When you learn to be open and honest, you will be communicating with your spouse on an entirely new level.

Your husband makes life and death decisions daily. Give him an opportunity to make decisions that will benefit you both and your family. I believe you will be happy you did.

opt

BTDT. Both my wife and I have/had this problem. Until you come to some agreement on the way you two are going to communicate you are going to have this problem. But Tired once you get this out in the open and you see that you and him can negotiate as a unified team would negotiate you will feel liberated � and ELATED. This is fresh for me. It is what has just happened with my W and I in the last few weeks. Today I feel a lot less fearful when broaching sensitive topics. Edited to add:

You fear your H�s response. That is a horrible feeling. The only way you�re going to get past that is to trust that he�s capable of working with you to come to agreeable terms. That he loves you enough that he�d be willing to do it. Right now you�re LB�ing him by keeping things from him that he needs to know. Dishonesty and DJs. Guess what my first LB was that I discovered with the help of Dr. Chalmers. You guessed it.

You have to work your side of the program Tired.

You need an opening line that will break the ice. Tell him, send him an email, leave it on a post-it note � something. I texted my wife. It was probably the hardest thing I�ve done in I don�t know how long. But as soon as I sent it I felt so much better.

How about this:
�Hon. I fear being honest with you. I am having a tough time but I don�t feel safe trying to work through the conflict. Right now I�m dreading making this statement. I need help being able to communicate openly and honestly. �

I bet you he will be floored and totally clueless.

And if he shows concern, which I�m sure he will, you can bring to the table your options of what you�d like to do. You need help being able to communicate with your H. The dynamic in your home makes it almost irrefutable you need help from a 3rd party.

Ah the what's wrong/nothing go around. I used to be so bad about this too before I found marriage builders. I was afraid of conflicts. After finding MB I realized some things. This go around led my DH to be very frustrated knowing I wasn't being honest that when the spill finally came it didn't go well at all. DH dreaded and said he did the spill out that eventually came because of the way it came so it was a major LB experience for him. Avoidance just made it build up in me until it just kinda exploded out in a very not nice and productive way. Most importantly this round never solved anything. The not being radically honest of course didn't solve anything, because DH didn't know what the problem was. The LB filled explosion didn't solve anything because DH didn't hear a word because he felt attacked. I realized the conflict I was scared of was one that I was making on my own.

Following MB I learned how to respectfully bring up problems and solutions. Granted I'm still learning and really have to stop and think about what I want to say, how I should say it, and solutions that may work before bringing it to DH. When I do this though it leads to solutions. DH hears what I have to say.

If you and your DH follow the plan you will learn how to make it a safe, love building experience. You are the one here though and you must be the one to model it and sell it to your DH.

My letting it all out was more like, "I've only seen my parents. How can we make this work? What if I won't make a good wife?"

They were never blaming type things. It was just crying and I need reassured kind of thing. We never fought when we were dating. Rarely fight now.

My W and I never fought. Not directly. We both clammed up and did the passive aggressive stuff. Sighing, stomping around upset, being grumpy all the time, no welcome homes, etc.

Does it really matter what you did in the past when you let it out? Nope. It�s time to move forward. What can we do to help you do that?

Grin, if I didn't know better I would swear this was Melody talking!!!!!! I'm not sure. Just pray that I gain some courage.

Tired, I empathize. I really do. I was where you are for years and years. I'd come here and get some courage and make some attempts ... only to struggle. We'd make some small improvements but mostly I just continued to feel like I wasn't getting enough out of the M.

I now have my W on board and I no longer fear our conversations. I really, really, really look forward to them. And we've only been working together on MB for about 3 weeks.

I was so withdrawn but man the feelings come rushing back once you start to see and feel the safety that this program provides.

We are a team and you will have that soon. You just need to let your hubby know you don�t feel like a team.

Melody and I may have some similarities but I think we have some very distinct differences. Uhm. She's a female and I'm a male for starters. LOL.

Melody is direct. She doesn't beat around the bush. Her messages are clear and they cut to the point. They are REALLY hard to hear at times (especially for a pigheaded guy like myself) but she�s spot on. She�ll tell you stories of how difficult of a nut I was to crack. And I�ve been here for years. Thanks for hanging in there with me Mel.

Don�t feel bad you don�t have the courage. It�s hard to face those fears.

Analogy. You don't feel deserving of spending the money on the counseling. I know that. I'm basically the bread winner in the family although my wife works ... and my biggest fear in asking to get MB counseling was spending the money. I feared her response. I pictured her saying �Are you kidding me? It costs how much?????�. What a DJ jerk I was. I didn�t give her the credit she deserved. Instead I sat there in my own fears blaming a fictitious wife as the reasons to avoid even asking.

BTW my opening statement to my wife was nothing more than a text message that said this:

"I am very unhappy in our marriage and would like to do something about it. Would you be interested in seeing a counselor?".

Keep it short and make no accusations. Just simply communicate your feelings of unhappiness and present an option for change.