Running into this site is the best thing that could happen to me...As I have read and appreciate reading your stories...

This is my story...I had a extramarital affair that began right before my 8th year anniversary to my husband, whom at the time I had a 6 & 1 year old sons. Prior to that, I had a good marriage, I had everything, an intact family, a husband who loved me and took care of me and was very supportive, but on the other hand was never attentive nor was he affectionate towards myself or our sons, it was just the way he was. After the birth of my second son I quit my job and stayed home for the next year to raise him and then I went back to work, there I met this new man, who would be my OM and whom I would have an affair with.

When I first met him, I never found him attractive, never did it cross my mind to do such a thing. It started with him coming around more often, then asking me for help with his work and he would initiate conversation and he would tell me he was just delighted with me because I was so proper and intelligent, etc...I didn't think much of it at first and completely disregarded his comments, I didn't pay much attention to it. Then suddenly one day he asked me to join him for lunch, that he wanted to get to know me better and he wrote down his cell phone number, I found this to be ackward and I felt somewhat uncomfortable, but didn't think too much of it, and agreed to do lunch with him...I have always had lunch with my coworkers, sometimes in group sometimes one on one with men and women equally and respectfully, I had never crossed that line and nobody with me either at the places I had worked prior. Then we had to attend a employee conference, this OM suggested to have lunch on that day, I agreed, I had committed and even though I felt uncomfortable I just wanted to get it over with, so he could stop bothering me...well because of the schedule that day he suggested to go after the convention, it turned into a dinner and this really made me feel uncomfortable, I even discussed it with a coworker and she suggested just to say no, but I couldn't I felt committed and did not want to be rude, so I did. He took me to a very romantic restaurant, he opened up about his entire life included him being unfaithful to his wife a few years back and the posibility of having a child with that woman. The OW was married at the time and separated when her husband found out about the paternity of his daughter, which was not his biological daughter, she went ahead and told his wife about the affair, his wife left and they got back together three months later. Then I did not judge him based on his mistake, I thought he was a nice man who made a mistake. During the dinner he joked, he was very attentive and said how beautiful I was, etc...nothing happened, we went home but the following week after this he would always come around me, he made it more and more obvious and I started liking his attention, he made feel good about myself. Me and my husband were going through problems, my husband lost his business, he had no unemployment and I started becoming distant from him and closer to the OM. Finally, we went to lunch together and he kissed me and there is where it all started!

I felt hard and in love with this man, and he did for me too, so he made me believe this. The affair started in March 2008, and at first we both agreed that we were not to fall in love, sooner than later this would end. It didn't. We fell in love and when my mother found out, she had several talks with me, because it was so obvious, I began to isolate myself from everyone including my own children. I tried to end the affair several times and he would always convince me to stay and fight for our love, he would tell me "I cannot believe you are giving up on this love!", and like an idiot I fell for this. We decided we wanted to have a child and we would eventually leave our partners and be together. Then his wife saw a text message from me and called me to confront me, and I denied the affair...another year went by and she found some marks on him from me, he denied they were mine, he took his wife to a retreat and texted me all weekend to let me know he loved me and didn't want to lose me he just did it to make her feel better. Then, she called me and put him on the phone, he asked that we all meet, so she could see for herself that we were only friends, this prove to me the coward he was...and we were both already trying to have a baby and planning to leave our partners, after this I decided I did not want to have a baby anymore with him, because he would never be there for me or our child. It was too late, I found out a couple weeks later I was pregnant. I wanted to have an abortion and keep my family because he would tell me it was best for everyone, I was going to hurt my children, my husband and he wasn't ready. I was devastated! I couldn't talk to anyone about all of this...finally I broke down in tears and confessed to my mom and sister. They gave me the strenghth to decide and go thru the pregnancy, I decided to make my husband believe he was the father, I slept with him as soon as I found out and I would still have sex with him from time to time, but I knew from the beginning it was not his because I did not have sex with him at all during the time my OC was conceived. The OM decided to embrace this child and wanted to be a part of his life, but of course he wanted to keep his family intact and wanted me to keep the secret, and see the baby. I did, I loved him so much and yet I did not want to hurt my husband and leave him when he needed me the most...at the same time I was being hurt because I was allowing OM to use me and I was dragging at this point our son. Our son was born in May 2010, I went along with this affair, the relationship went from love to a love-hate sort of relationship, I was always telling him what a coward he was, etc...you name it, I insulted him, I was angry at him for putting me in this situation, I asked and begged him to leave me and he said he couldn't because of our son. When our son turned 1, his wife found my number again, and he told her to call me thinking I would deny the affair, I didn't, I told her everything and at his point more than three years had passed by since our affair began, this happened July 2011. A week later she went back home with him, I was furious because knowing him he probably denied everything and being the talker he was he had convinced her and denied our son! I texted her pictures of him with the baby and she left him for good and so did I...he came back to me, and I felt back again, since she left him, he couldn't support himself, I helped him with work projects, I helped him financially, he has never paid child support and he would buy the baby from time to time a few things here and there...right before I confessed the truth to his wife, the OW the mother of the daughter opened a child support order against him and the paternity test revealed he was in fact the biological father of the 6 year old daughter.

I would still have sex with him also. Since I got pregnant I knew I did not want to be with him, because of how coward he proved to be...I thought in a matter of time, I would stop loving him eventually just by his actions and it I did, but I put myself thru hell to get to this point. This last year because he used me so badly and I couldn't leave him because he knew how to manipulate me I decided to allow him to hurt me, because I wanted payback...I knew the most important thing for him was himself and what others think of him, he always wanted to be the most likeable guy, the best, he always assumed that any woman that smiled and was courteous was desiring him. In my thirst for vengenance I was going crazy, because I cared for him and I wanted to tell my husband but I didn't want my husband to reject OC and have my son suffer the consequences because the OM his bio dad would not be there for him, he would just be a coward one more time as he always was...Finally, he ex sister in law recognized our toddler and approached me and said to stay away from this guy, he was very bad person, he was bothering her sister, his exwife, he just bought her a new car to get her back and thi just angered me, this whole time he was getting money out of me and this whole time he was using it to get his wife back, this is what I needed to hurt him, I wanted him to feel the same shame I felt, so I knew the HR girl at his work, I send her proof where I made a lot of his projects and I also informed her that would threatened my by telling him he wanted to commit suicide but his was only a way of manipulating me, according to his ex siste in law, he was doing to the same with her sister, that he in fact was taking pictures of himself pointing a gun to his head where he wanted to committ suicide if she didn't take him back...he would send me pictures of himself crying and sobbing because I didn't want to talk to him...his whole behaviour was that of a narcisistic and selfish being. This was it for me...it was about payback and this was my opportunity, I got him fired! I informed some of his family members of his coward actions and that he owed me money, because I knew this would hurt him...I didn't care for him anymore, but I wanted revenge, I was thirsty for revenge and I wanted him to feel just as ashamed...well I did, but I had to drag myself in front of him to get to this point and know I feel so worthless and soooo ashamed!!!

I know he doesn't care, and the damage I did to myself and my family. I am so ashamed, I filled with shame and I know God has forgiven me, but I cannot forgive myself yet. I put myself through so much pain, to hurt him like this, which I know it didn't do much for him, he will probably go back to his wife and live like nothing happened and without any regard for anyone as he did before. He doesn't care about his daughter and clearly he never cared about our son...how can I tell my husband the truth!?!?!!

I started going to church and seeking God's forgiveness, I feel unworthy and a hipocrate when I attend church and when I help, I wish this guy could end alone and miserably unhappy for all the pain he caused me, for denying our child, for his cruelty towards his daughter, I have so much anger towards him, but I love my son (OC). My husband is very oblivious to all and I feel he might know but is just avoiding a confrontation and maybe a divorce.

I received an email from OM, he insulted me, he judged me and criticized me, he clearly doesn't acknowledge any wrongdoing, he clearly puts all the blame on me and all the responsibility, he thinks of himself as the victim in all of this. I lied to him in the beginning, I told him my husband knew about the baby, but for the sake of our kids he decided to sign the birth certificate, I did this because I knew the coward he was and this way he would never threatened or manipulate me with telling my husband the truth. I wanted to reply to his letter, but decided not too. I got what I wanted, I wanted payback for all the pain he put me thru, I wanted to humilliate him as he humilliated me so many times and I got that, but I got hurt so much more!!! I will not reply to his email, God knows my heart and pain and overall the horrible guilt I'm living with, but I don't want to lose what OC has with my husband and I don't know what to do...OM said in his email he realized he only loved his wife and these words don't hurt me, his insults don't anger me or make me sad, I know I'm worth so much more, but I disposed myself of my own dignity the moment I became involved with this man...I'm actually hurt for causing more pain to his wife and son and for the shame I brought upon myself, and family...I just want 5 years to pass by and know that I will be okay and so will OC my son...How can I tell my husband all of this???? I have been depressed for years since March 2008 until about a month ago...all I'm doing is praying for forgiveness and wisdom to find the answers and courage I need to do what is right....

Welcome to MB.

If you truly have learned from your mistake then prove it by your actions, and tell your H. He deserves to know about his own life.

Also why haven't you changed your contact information so ON can never contact you again?

I cannot take back what I have done...I wish my OC was not his biological son, and I find it difficult to believe that my BH doesn't suspect a thing, it was so obvious thinking back, and OC is completely different to his two older brothers whom are 11-6 years old, my two older sons look alike, but the little one looks completely different, he's the spitting image of OM...I feel he knows, but he choses to ignore the issue at this point, unless OM would have personally intruded in our lives.

I changed my email after that last email...I was tempted to replied, but if I did it would mean that it matters and it doesn't...I'm dealing with my own issues of guilt and shame. I spoke to spiritual counselor, and he suggested to not tell my husband at this point, because it would only hurt my husband and child. In any given case, if it ever comes back and I have no choice then at that point I would have to bite the bullet and face the consequences...I'm broken!!! I feel BH should know the truth, but then OM doesn't care, so why should I put him and OC thru the pain of what I did, maybe I should be the only one to suffer the consequences of my actions...at the time I didn't see I was dragging my entire family into this, I was blinded by my selfishness that never measured the pain I was causing to other people as well as myself too...I'm desperate and feel broken spirited!!! I'm trying to do good, thru my actions, and for that reason I cannot have any contact with OM, I cannot forgive him and I cannot forgive myself, I'm drowning in guilt and shame...how do I approach my BH and tell him the truth? What will he gained from all of this? He loves OC and has even a closer relationship to him than to his biological sons...I'm hoping OM will never try to contact me again and will never look for me again,he does know where I work and work email, which is where he can contact me, and I hope he has some shame and doesn't...I don't want people to judge me, as I already feel lower than dirt and worthless for my mistake...we all make mistakes in life. We all fall short of our ideals. One mistake does not define a whole life. I know God loves me and has forgiven me even though I have not forgiven myself and I keep on judging myself more than anyone could, and I know you will do better in the future, because I feel I have learn from this, and it will never happen again...it hurts me when I see my OC, he's wonderful and I feel such a failure of a mother, what parents wants garbage for their child, nobody, and I feel that is what I have given him with his biological father (OM)...

Betty,

A lie continues to grow uglier and uglier the longer you let it live, please end it now and tell your BH everything. Please reveal the truth now while you still have a chance to recover.

Try editing your post with some paragraphs it will help people read your story.

God Bless
Gamma

Betty,

One other point, and this was a sad part of my life, is that not only are you lying to your BH, but you are lying to your OC every day. And while this might not seem important when OC is small it will be difficult for you when OC gets older.

I can tell that because when I tracked down my biological family, I am an OC, my adoptive Mother in her 80s was visibly relieved that she no longer had to carry that secret. She had been persuaded to do so by my adoptive Father.

God Bless
Gamma

You need to remain No Contact for life with OM.

Sit your BH down and tell him "honey I have something I need to tell you"'.

The longer you make excuses the longer you continue to live a lie.

I really need help comprehending the benefits of telling BH the truth...I only see now the pain he will go thru for my own selfish relief...

My mother is an OC...sad for me to think that my own child is my mother's story repeating itself...my mother found out the truth after she was married, she met her biological father in her mid fourties, she felt sorry for the man...she couldn't love him, she had already buried her father and she never judged my grandmother, compared to the children her bio dad had and raised, her life was so much better and she strongly believes my grandmother made the best choice in her best interest...it's difficult for me,I break down just imagining the look on my husband's face, especially when I see my BH so happy and lovingly with OC...I have no doubt that BH is the best man and father that can possibly raise OC, he's a man of immaculate integrity, with flaws like any being but has the one quality a lot of human beings don't have including myself, integrity...it hurts me to think of telling him the truth...I need a lot of courage and confidence and knowing that it is the right thing to do in everyone's best interest, and I would have if OM would have man up and decided to be involved in OC's life, but he's not...what is the benefit to BH and OC, right now is only me lying to them...I feel like the biggest hipocrate on the face of the universe, but I'm terrified to tell them the truth!!! :'(

Listen to these radio clips from Dr. Harley.
Radio Clip on what to do when a pregnancy happens from an affair

Radio clip on OC

Please let us know what you think.

Here's another show.

Radio clip on WH and BW with OC
Segment #2
Segment #3

I have looked all over the internet to see if someone has lived what I am going thru and what outcome they have had...the closes I read is someone here, but this was the wife finding out when the OC was already a grown man whom was a disaster, but the life the OC had was different from what my OC has with my BH...he doesn't abuse me, completely the contrary and OM has another child whom he doesn't care for, OM only cares about himself, his security and has no regard for anyone but himself, and only others like myself and the other mother of his other OM is at fault, OM feels victim to me and the other OC mom and his wife for not forgiving him...the issues are everyone else's but his...I definetely do not want nor intend to have contact with OM ever again in my life. I hope he never again attempts to establish communication with me...

Betty,

No one here is saying these choices are easy an OC makes the issues 10X bigger and they go on for a lifetime.

I can tell you I wished I had know the truth sooner. I've never seen my Mother except to visit her grave but everyone knew except me. I wished I would have understood my biological identity sooner.

Your BH has the right to make his decisions based on the truth of who you are and who OC is. Your BH will very likely not leave OC as he is bonded so strongly. I sometimes think adoptive parents bond more strongly because they don't see their own defects in the OC.

God Bless
Gamma

Betty,

Another issue here is that OM is a secret addiction of yours and OM knows it, he is like a pimp who uses the appearance of love to enslave women.

OMs like this will return to whoever was in their life when they need them, and this includes OC, you need your BHs support as you have no one to help you now.

God Bless
Gamma

Betty, a person who is truly remorseful does not continue to lie to her victim. God does not forgive a person unless they REPENT. If you are still lying to your husband, then you are NOT repentant and you ARE NOT forgiven.

The solution to infidelity is honesty, not more lying. To continue to lie to your husband is cruel and manipulative. This is vital information about his life that is being cruelly withheld from him.


You are the LAST person who is qualified to decide what is best for your husband. You are a dangerous, reckless person and your husband cannot protect himself and your children unless he knows what you have done.

Tell your husband the truth. Otherwise you are tricking him into staying married to you. A person who is truly repentant does not continue lying and manipulating.

I see the point of NC and how the involvement of OM with OC affects in a negative way the marriage...with the OM in my life, I learned how he went thru this situation before, he put the entire blame and at fault the OW, he claims he was seduced and felt for me as he did with the mother of his OM, he did what he does best, took on the role of victim and talked atrocities about the mother of his daughter moved on with his wife and only son without regard for this little girl...I'm going thru an internal battle with myself, for the reason being of wanting to do what is morally correct...I know I have to be honest, but it kills me to think of telling my husband the truth...if OM doesn't care about OC, why should I put my BH and OC thru the pain of learning the truth? It would hurt me if he would reject OC, because BH is the best thing that OC could have and I do not doubt that BH will raise a wonderful human being of OC and OM should have no opportunity of enjoying such a wonderful person when OM did not contribute in any way...OC is 11 years older than me and has a 21 year old son and is his only son. I firmly believe right now after all I did to him he is more concerned of getting his wife back than anything else and I probably am doing him a favor in the end by relieving him of all responsibility of OC and his wife as well...

This is a pathetic, thinly veiled excuse to avoid facing the consequences of YOUR ACTIONS. You are avoiding telling him only to cover your [censored], NOT because you don't want to "hurt" him. If you cared a rats [censored] about his "best interest" you would have not been screwing the OM all these years, planning to have his baby. So, please save the fake "concern." Your concern is only for your own [censored].

It is obviously in your husbands best interest to know the horrible things you have done TO HIM behind his back so he can protect himself. You have LIED to this man for years. It is time to be honest.

This is ALL about your own selfish interest. Me, me, me.. You are treating your husband like a pet on a leash by denying him the RIGHT to choose to stay married to an adulteress and denying him the right to CHOOSE father another man's child. Who the hell are YOU to deny him the right to make choices about his own life? Are you GOD?

And you call yourself "repentant?" Oh no. The only thing you are sorry about is that the OM used you and dumped you.

TRue repentance is not demonstrated by fraud, deceit, manipulation and trickery.

Betty,

If you need an example of the destructive effect of dishonesty on a persons life, please look at OM. And the worst thing about people like OM is that they try to turn other people into them. He has forced you into a life of dishonesty like his own.

And for a reason to tell your BH, to restore your integrity and decency as a wife and Mother, you cannot continue to function like this, your children need you.

God Bless
Gamma

Thank you for your honest advice...I must say what you say is something I had not considered...

I do feel very remorseful, I feel like I'm going to burst of guilt and shame and the last thing I want is OM to come back later in life and intrude in OC's life...perhaps you are right, there is already a strong bond established between OC and BH that BH would not step out of OC's life...I really don't care if he divorces me, I just don't want him to reject OC because BH is the best person and father figure to OC...I can deal with BH hating me for what I did, but not OC...

I will keep reading your posts later tonight and thru the weekend...I will tell him the truth, but I need a few days to gain courage, because right now I'm feeling like a coward and I am one right now...

Thank you for your posting, they have been helpful to me and to come to the conclusion that I have to tell BH the truth. :'(

Repentance means to "turn away from." That has not happened here. When you continue to lie and trick your victims, you are obviously not repentant.


Whoever says �I know him� but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, 5 but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. 1 John 2:4-5

That is the right thing to do, Betty. It is the right thing for you, your husband and the child. You have been living a lie for a long time and your husband needs to know what you have done.

I would not wait to tell him. Tell him this weekend. Courage is a decision you make. You can make that decision now. If you do this, we will help you and your husband through this every step of the way.

I'm glad to see you're going to do the right thing and tell your H.

The sooner, the better to get him told. You might as well bite the bullet.

That is entirely up to your husband, NOT YOU. And I dearly hope you don't intend to manipulate your husband about this. That would be to add insult to injury.

If you were "concerned" about this child you would have not have had a child with a married man. The only guilt belongs to you. You cannot ascribe your guilt to anyone else. No, Ma'am.

Don't play the guilt card on your husband. That would be manipulative and cruel. IF he doesn't want to father your love child he is perfectly within his rights.

Betty, there is no such thing as a "right time" to tell your husband. Go in there and bring the man to this thread and let him read TONIGHT.

That is the right thing to do. There is no reason to wait.

Betty,

Continue to read on MB, you also need to help your BH overcome your affair. I would suggest you read some of the BH threads on here to get an idea of how your BH feels and what he needs.

Do the right thing, the sooner the better, I am hoping for the best for you.

God Bless
Gamma

Te Greek word for repentance, metanoia means to have a change of heart.
From encyclopedia:
Metanoia is therefore primarily an after-thought, different from the former thought; a change of mind accompanied by regret and change of conduct, "change of mind and heart", or, "change of consciousness". A description of repentance in the New Testament can be found in the parable of the prodigal son found in the Gospel of Luke (15 beginning at verse 11).

@Gamma: Thank you very much!!! Your words have directed me to consider other aspects of my situation that I was completely disregarding...I don't want to live a lie and I have every desire to do what is best morally...I have decided to tell BH the truth, but first I will talk to my priest, this is not easy, because hurting BH is something I did not intended to do...I cannot change my mistakes anymore, I have to face the consequences of my poor judgement.

@MelanyLane: first of all, who do you think you are to judge me?!?!?! If I did not care one bit, I could have careless of writing my embarrassing shameful and degrading actions! The first time it's a mistake, the second is a choice, I'm not the married woman with three kids from three different married men, OM is!!!! If the law felt the way you do, believe me jerks like this would probably go around having kids left and right!!! I'm okay with not getting a penny from OM, but glad to know he does have to pay child support for other child, someday we will all go and face judgement by God, and we will be judge on what we did with each and every child we had, I didn't make this child alone, I had the choice of having an abortion and OM highly encouraged me, I could have and gone like nothing happen, I had already committed an awful sin, I chose not to do something worse, now I have to find the courage to do the final right thing which is to tell OM, I'm not playing victim lady, I know what I did and I have no pitty on myself, but OC is innocent, he's what matters to me at this point, so I have a lot of praying to do to build the courage I need. Every situation is different, I would have to write a book about my story to tell so much more, but the bottom line I never want to be like OM and repeat this again, I feel I have been to hell and back, but God will be my judge and will judge every parent for each child they have, only God gives the gift of life and I'm sure God has his purpose for OC, I cannot imagine my life without him and I have my mother sister and aunts support, but again it's not easy!!!!! I'm hurt, because of the pain I caused to others, my sin hurts and you could never understand unless you get in my skin but I have no regard for OM! stop judging me, your not God!!! Read the parable in the Bible when the adulteress woman was going to be killed for her sin, Jesus said to throw the rock if anyone was free of sin, everyone left because they were sinners and he looked at her and said He did not condemned her, He forgave her and said to leave and never sin again, so why do you take Gods position and authority to judge me? I was looking for encouragement to do what's right and find peace within as Gamma said, I want to regain my dignity, integrity and self respect, not go cheat with someone else because I can get away with my wrongdoing, I want to be born again in Christ and live a Christ life and raise my sons to not make my same mistakes. It's not about stability, because I have a career, I decided not to tell my husband sooner because he was not working and going to school full time, he's now finish and now the guilt is worst, now I just need some courage to face the consequences of my actions. I was raised to be better than this, although my parents and family love me and will stand by me I'm still ashamed with them for disappointing them, they gave me a better upbringing than what I have demonstrated thru these degrading and cheap actions on my part. I welcome your advice but if your going to judge me please don't, I'm already judging myself by far worst than what you can possibly imagine.

I meant to say tell BH NOT OM the truth...

Really? Are you aware of the fact that as soon as this child has any medical procedures or tests the doctors will tell him (if adult) and your husband that his blood is different?

As for the "spiritual counselor" advice to lie to our husband. You have chosen to lie for so long that God will NOT forgive you unless you repent!
Have you not read the 10 Commandments? thou shalt not LIE!

Saint Paul writes "God hates liars".

Your entire life is lies.

Your mother and aunt are liars also
Anyone that cover this up is an enemy of your marriage.

You have a daily choice: to live in sin or to repent of your sin of lying.

What do you choose to do tonight?
Will you stop being a liar and tell your husband the truth or will you go to sleep with this sin?

You know, you weren't throwing around bible quotes when you were having sex and getting pregnant with a married man...your use of them now is more than a little hypocritical. Hiding behind one bible quote unfortunately leaves you at odds with other bible quotes.

John the Baptist tells us in Matthew 3:8 to produce fruit in keeping with repentance; if we sincerely repent, we will behave differently. Who we are or how important we think we are makes no difference; we have to produce this fruit, as John commands in Luke 3:8. Repentance is a change of attitude and action, not just muttering, "Oh, I screwed up. God forgive me," and not restoring your harmed brother.

Repentance, obviously, should be sincere and should be accompanied by actions that reflect a change of heart. It is not a trivial matter. When you say you are forgiven and then talk about how to deceive and trick your husband, your words are lies. God doesn't forgive those who don't repent. You might not like to hear that, but it is the truth.

Anyone here can "judge" that your adultery is wrong. This is more selective bible reading on your part; it does not say "thou shalt not judge," but it does say "thou shalt not lie" and "thou shalt not commit adultery." It was not a "mistake," it was your choice to sin. Your issue is that you have not judged right from wrong. That is not a virtue, but a major liability as you have learned the HARD WAY. Our prisons are full of people who cannot judge right from wrong and that is exactly where they belong. Your failure to use such judgement has led you to this horrendous place.

If you truly do care about your victims, your husband and your child, then do the right thing by them. Stop lying and get honest!

Lets see you back up all that talk with some ACTION. TALK IS CHEAP. If you want to be taken seriously, then go tell your husband. NOW. Stop pretending like you "care" about anything more than covering your [censored]. Trying to deceive your husband into fathering your adultery partners child is not a demonstration of care.


Whoever says �I know him� but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, 5 but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. 1 John 2:4-5

Hi Betty. I've read quickly through your story and the advice you're getting so far is very good. I am a FWW who is raising my OC with my BH. We have absolutely NC (No Contact) with the OM. The difference in our situations is that I told my BH the truth about OC from the very beginning. He's been awesome about it and completely accepts our OC as his own child. His name is on the birth certificate and he is her father in every way except for the DNA. Our OC is 4 now, and my BH absolutely adores her.

You've backed yourself into quite a corner here by choosing to lie to your BH all this time. You've made a bad situation so much worse by perpetuating this lie. I highly suspect your BH already knows the truth. Even if he doesn't, certainly you realize he is bound to figure it out eventually, especially considering how many people (OM, OM's wife, your family) already know. The truth is going to come out, and it will be so much worse for you if he hears it from someone else.

The first thing you need to do is sit down and tell your BH the truth. I can't guarantee you that he won't divorce you. I can't even guarantee that he will accept the OC as his own child (though there's a good chance he will since he has had several years to bond with this child). But really, this is the only hope you have of saving your marriage. There is never any excuse for lying to someone about something like this. Your BH has a right to know the truth, as does your OC when he is old enough to understand. Believe me, I know how hard this is going to be for you, but it is something that needs to be done immediately. The longer you put it off, the worse you are making things for everyone involved.

I'm not sure where you live, but there are some legalities involved that you will eventually have to deal with. In my state (CA), paternity must be contested within the first 2 years of the child's life. Either your BH or the OM could contest paternity during this time. If that doesn't happen, then the statute of limitations passes and whoever is listed on the birth certificate (in your case, your BH) is the child's legal father. This would be true even if the two of you were to divorce. In CA, the husband is presumed to be the father of any child born into the marriage. In order to get rights, the OM would have to take the case to court and petition a judge to order a paternity test. There's no guarantee what a judge will do, but many times, if the BH is willing to accept the child as his own, the petition will not be granted. Most OM's never pursue this route, since it is costly and OM's tend to be cowards and don't really want to be involved in a lengthy legal dispute. If your BH wants to raise OC as his own child, there's an excellent chance he will be able to. Of course, laws differ from state to state and I'm not sure where you live.

Tell your husband the truth ASAP and then send him here so he can get the help and support he's going to need. That is the right thing to do. It's really the only chance you've got to begin the very long process of healing your marriage.

[quote=Betty
@MelanyLane: first of all, who do you think you are to judge me?!?!?! [/quote]



Melody and other's here do not need me to defend what they have to say.

I think you can not handle the truth. You can not handle being told in a blunt manner.

That is because you have not completely owned what you have done.

Re read your first post. In that post you are spending 90% of your time painting most of the blame for the affair on the OM and 100% of your anger on the OM.

Who, the BH, OM, OMW, your mom or sis, held the gun to your head for you to have an affair?

When you realize that 100% of the fault belongs to you and blame belongs to you then you will be able to handle being called out here. Did your BH, the OM, OMW, force you to try an conceive an OC. Normal WW throw caution to the wind and go bare back and don't worry about getting pregnant.

You did one better, you and your OM plotted to get pregnant on purpose an have an OC.

You planned on letting the OM knock you up when you knew that this is what your OM did with his last OW. You saw that your OM after getting his OW pregnant drop her like a hot potato and never pay child support.

What made you think the OM was not going to do the same to you? You have a golden whatsit?

You better get real. Real fast.

MB and posters as Melody have helped save many marriages. Even where the WW had an OC.

Recovery is like being pregnant. You can not be half pregnant and you can not follow half of the Marriage Builders program and recover your marriage.

You need to tell your BH because he needs to know that you can not be trusted to be faithful. He needs to know that the day's of letting you have blind trust are gone for good.

Trust can be rebuilt but this will take years. Though due to the affair trust will never be abled to be repaired to the level before the affair.

When you tell your BH about the affair you need to be 100% truthful. Do not avoid answering your BH's questions with I don't remember. Let your BH contorl the level of detail that he needs to know by the questions that he asks. Recovery will not work when you trickle truth.

Order the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley today.

Tomorrow: Change your email address and block OM and change your cell No. and block OM incase he gets your new number. You have FB block OM their as well.

Then sit down tell your BH about the affair, That you have gone NC with the OM and have blocked him. That you found a great resource to heal, marriage builders, ordered the book, that the both of you should call the Harleys and have a phone counseling session because they don't rug sweep, blame the BH, and they are highly recommended.

Do you think it has ever been your your husband's desire to live a lie?


Exactly. Your husband and your children (all of them) will have consequences as well. This is Biblical.


You will know you are on the correct path to redemption when you cease pointing fingers to make OM's faults more egregious than your own.



What is asked of you will require moral courage.
Leave ALL of OM's mis-deeds/character defects out of any explanation when you confess to your husband. Any judgment on your part that OM is worse than you ..... will not help recover your marriage. Trust me on that. Simply answer any questions about OM with facts, not a comparison of OM's of sins with yours. You will look foolish and insincere if you compare severity of sins to make yourself appear more virtuous than OM.


Everyone knows this. You need not go there.




True support will encourage you to be honest and faithful with your husband. Any "support" which encourages lies, is morally wrong.


We know this. That is why God told us not to sin. Because sin causes pain. Sexual sin can cause generational pain. It hurts because it is sin. We know you are hurting. You are supposed to be hurting.


ALL SIN HURTS. Don't you know that? We all hurt when we have sinned.


Of course we understand. Your sin is not unique or special. Your sin is ordinary, not extraordinary. Anyone who has studied the Bible understands sin hurts. You feel shame. We get that.


His sin is not darker than yours. You mention OM entirely too much.


Stop judging OM to be more culpable than yourself. Accept your own culpability and leave OM to God. Let all mentions of OM cease.


Be careful. Your posts are full to the brim of judging OM to be worse than yourself.

Now, onward and upward.
Courage is the first ingredient of maintaining integrity.

When you confess to your BH (leaving the judgments of OM out), his response will be terrible. Anger/tears/cursing/accusations/threats ..... the entire spectrum of human emotion. You need to know that. Holes in walls may occur.
I highly recommend that you ask one of your female relatives (who have been 'supportive' according to you) to watch the kids overnight.

Your husband will not eat or sleep. He may be unable to work. He may need professional help. Stay by his side. Speak very little. Listen without judgment of his emotional responses. This will require courage and integrity on your part. When in doubt, ask your husband what he needs for you to do at that moment. If he says "Get out." Then, get out. Call him after 2 hours and ask if there is anything you can do for him.

He will ask "Why?". Here is one way to respond that will not cause further distrust:

"I am not sure why. I am sure it was not in any way your fault. The fault/responsibility is 100% mine. You need to know that you are not part of the "why" I made this horrible choice. I was weak. I will work at whatever it takes to be strong."

Also, do not ask to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a PROCESS. It may take a very long time for your husband to understand exactly WHAT he is being asked to forgive. Do NOT forget this part. "Can you ever forgive me?" is a self-centered question you must not permit yourself to ask.

Ms Writer knows what she is talking about. Pay attention!

Memorize this:

"I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to repair the damage, and make this marriage safe & happy for both of us."

Trust me, you will need to repeat this often, and you will need to be sincere.

Recovery after any adultery is a marathon (years) not a sprint (months). Recovery involving raising another man's biological child is an even longer journey.

You are about to discover what an amazing man you married.

PS:

You have told your last lie to your husband. Any future lies in an attempt to assuage his pain will come back to bite you in the butt. Answer every question honestly.

Read this link to Joseph's letter:

READ THIS - PRINT OUT - give a copy to your H after confessing <~~~ Click this link.

This will SHOW your H that you are sincere when you say "I will do whatever it takes".

@Pepperband: I was very angry at OM...as Gamma mentioned in an earlier post, he was who he was and I only became just like him...it was my choice, a very poor choice in deed and I take responsibility for what I have put my family thru, because I'm the person who affects my family directly, not OM...bottom line, I realize I became full of anger towards OM as I began to see the coward he was, and have let go of all negative feelings towards OM because he's not whom I care for, it's my husband...I wish OM well despite everything that has happened.

It's been a very difficult weekend and I have told my BH the truth, Sunday as a matter of fact after mass...I have never seen my husband overwhelmed with emotions and he certainly bit the bullet to not lose it in this ocassion...of course he's hurt, dissapointed of learning the truth about his wife, myself,and devastated overall because of the horrible secret of OC not being his biological child...

It hurts to seen him going thru the pain he is going thru, but on the other end I feel better in the sense that there are no more lies...I offered him to log into this site for help, because I'm willing to do the work to save our marriage, I regret painfully everything I have done, but mostly failing my husband...he read some of the posts and refuses to invest his time here...right now he is too hurt and angry at me, his love for OC has not changed and he loves him as much as he did before the devastating truth, he was clear he will love OC regardless of the outcome of this and will always be a part of his life...he asked me to give him time, he refuses to talk about the details, he's still in shock of this and very angry at me...I will check back at a later time...this is very difficult for me, but I'm the only person to blame here for causing him my BH this pain and dissapointment...

You have done The right thing

It's going to take time, and lots of it, for your husband to heal. But there are things you can do to help him.

The first thing you need to do is write a NC (No Contact) letter to the OM. There are examples on this site on how to do that. But it is critical that you cut off all contact with the OM immediately.

You also need to expose this affair to everyone who does not yet know.

Also, have you ordered "Surviving an Affair" yet?

Betty do you and OM still work for the same company?

If so you need to leave that job ASAP. Your BH does not need to worry about you and the OM breaking NC.

Here.
No Contact Letter samples


here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Thank you for your advice.

I don't work in the same company as OM, in fact because I have a business relationship with the company he works for and having a close relationship with one of the partners he was terminated, the reason being and he was given is because he found out he used a lot of my work in his projects, at a lunch he asked me about OM because we both work for the same company during the same time, he then brought to my attention his work where literally it was all me...I always use a particular phrase on my presentations and emails ...this friend knew about my problems and use this to terminate OM...which in fact it was a favor to me, being in the industry we work we somehow know

everyone...this friend actually did a favor to me, I decided not to ever again talk to OM and forget about feeling sorry for him, now I feel sorry for myself and my poor judgment and selfishness...OM made an attempt to talk, so I changed my number and cancel my email...my BH knows about my nasty breakup including his threats towards our sons well being...there is so much...

I have no contact at all, and now that I'm seeing my husband devastated because of my selfishness I have no mind to even wonder about OM , II'm just grateful OC didn't lose the best person in his life and I hope we can work thru this....

BH husband actually took it upon himself and wrote an email to OM, as the suggestion, before I even read your post...BH primary concern is OC and his two older brothers...the only way OM could contact me is at work and my direct line was changed and my work email also...I hope I never see him again...someone said he was my secret addiction, it's been years of hell, seeing now the pain I put my BH completely eliminated all feelings about OM ...I'm concern of what direction will our life shift with OC and BH...I supose I have to take one day at a time....

How much contact did the OM have with the OC?

When did contact end?

Did OM resist you making him have NC with the OC?

Can I point something out to you? You are still very foggy. This is said as a FACT, not as an insult. Your head is still filled with thoughts about OM.
Your above comment about OM's future wellbeing is completely inappropriate.
OM was your co-conspirator. Your partner in sin.

Question:
Where is your deep and heartfelt concern for OM's wife? She (and others) were victimized by your adultery.

Drop every thought about OM in the toilet. Really. Go to the toilet every time you think about OM and flush. Replace his name immediately with his wife's first name and say out loud, "I am so sorry (name). I did a very bad thing to you."

Now THAT would be impressive!

yet



And that is a pain so hurtful and unbearable ...to know that your spouse still wishes the affair partner well. The person who helped decimate the happiness and security of their family.

Good grief Betty, why would you wish him well?

Because she is still very foggy. She wrote this:

At the same time expresses that she wishes OM well.

Makes no sense because she is foggy. Foggy people make no sense. It takes time (maybe months in her case) for critical thinking to resume.

OM had contact with OC, at first more, then as he began to grow, it became less and less...when he first found out I was pregnant he suggested an abortion, then I decided to have him and asked him to leave me alone...he never did...as time went on, he wanted me to leave my husband and then he would leave his wife, but I realized he would never be there for me when he suggested the abortion, that was the first signal to me for everything else that followed...as time went on, I realized he wanted me to leave my husband, he wanted me to be there for him, but his plans I never really knew, he said one thing but his actions were always way off from his words...I decided to give him 2 years, if he really wanted to be a part of OC's life he needed to get it together...when OC turned two this year, that's when I decided to cut him off completely, I told him if he was sincerely interested, he could go to court or talk to my husband about it...that never happened, he always came around me, always crying and begging to see his son, as if he cared, which to me he didn't...he had contact, at first weekly, then monthly, slowly I started pulling away, it's been 6 months since the last time he saw OC, but I feel he was just using OC to manipulate this relationship...now, I have not seen him and I changed all my contact information...the last we spoke I expressed to him that if he wanted to be a part of OC's life he had to deal with my husband if he in fact was sincere about his intentions with OC, he never did, which is what I expected...he's not gonna go cry to another man about his child, his not going to tell another man he's going to commit suicide if he's not allowed to see his child, which is what he would tell me...he resisted, but in a cowardly manner to end contact with OC...I doubt that ever cared about OC, he only cared when I was involved with him...it's sad, but it's true, it took time for me to see a lot of things and I am not proud of my poor judgement and none of my actions, and I know nothing justifies all the wrong and harm I have cause to my family...

Right now, I'm focussed on my husband and our marriage...I'm thankful and grateful that he loves OC and nothing changed between them...when I said I wished OM well, I meant that in a way that I don't care about him and I have no regards good or bad, I'm concerned about my husband and family...whatever OM does, whoever he is with, if it's in his wife, or any of his other women's arms is something I don't care to know or even wonder about, not in the sense that I'm wishing him all the best of life and the most wonderful things in life...my relationship with him went from a love to hate sort of relationship, but I don't care about this man, he threats to suicide and wanting to die because of me not talking to him or because I separated him from OC no longer work, it took me a long time to realize I was being manipulated, he would never hurt himself ever, if I cared one bit I would not have bother posting anything here and definitely I would have left my husband to make things better for OM, I don't know, bottom line is who cares what he's doing with his life, I have own life to deal with right now and it's a chaos, OM's BW knows about him, his multiple children with other women, they have 21 year old son together, whatever she choses it's her choice and whatever he does it's his business not mine, it's too foggy to explain right now...but I doubt he is worried about my husband or OC, so it's irrelevant for me to waste my energy on this man, the only people that interest me are those that were directly affected by my selfishness...If I hate OM is giving him too much importance in my life, so it's none at all anymore, it's not worth it to hate or care at all for this person, I'm learning so much from my BH, I don't know how he has the strength to keep himself together and still be able to see me face to face and talk to me about his expectations and devastated feelings and anger; my husband will decide what he needs from me, and what I need to do for him, and unfortunately, he doesn't want to invest any time on this site...he was appalled by some of the comments and he will look for help elsewhere, he doesn't want to hear people judging his situation, because there are so many more details that I have shared with him and not here...whatever I say here, regardless, I'm the bad person, for him (BH), I'm his wife and the mother of his sons, and yes I betrayed him and are not proud of it, but regardless he still cares for me enough and he loves his sons, his anger and frustration is all my fault, I let him down, me as his wife...I could have left him for OM, and never did, it doesn't mean that letting the affair go on for so long until I finally had earned the courage to cut it off definitely justifies me in any way or make me any better, I did a horrible thing and that's it, nothing could sugar coat the reality of my actions...the one person that made the posts that made a world of a difference to me were Gamma's, I'm thankful to this person.

Thank you for your comments, I still read them and take them as constructive criticism to think about my actions and never again put myself in a situation like this...I believe I read in this site about avoiding the situations...since I work for another company, I'm definitely not looking for friendships with men that need to be comforted or want someone to listen to their suffering, I learned my lesson and I immediately cut them off, married or not because I am married and the only person I care to invest my time and energy is my husband, if they are married, they should be going to their wife's for comfort and support not elsewhere.

I welcome advice, and am taking it day by day...my BH will not trust me for some time to come, and it's understanding, it's gonna take time to rebuild the trust that I broke...only time will tell and I'm hoping for the best, if he can never trust me again, I'm the only person to blame, I was the one who let him down and dissapointed him...

@ Pepperband: It's ackward that you say to apologize to the wife...but in fact, I did!!!!

I already cause her a lot of pain, I don't think I should be contacting her to let her know her husband is bothering me??? She already knows and is aware about him, and it's up to her if she choses to take him back or not, it's her decision if she choses to believe in his tears and his suicidal threats...I don't anymore,my concerns and priorities are my husband and sons, not OM and his personal life...

You must tell your BH every time the OM tries to break NC. If OM called and you see it's no. you don't answer. You tell your BH what happened.

If OM uses a strange no. and gets through soon as you hear OM's voice you hang up without saying anything and tell your BH what happened.

Same for email, don't respond don't erase, so it to BH first.

Every time OM tries to break NC you need to tell the OMW what OM is up to.

You should change phone no. email address, block OM.

OM still goes fishing then you and BH get a RO against the OM.

Betty, I would seriously consider moving as far away from OM as possible, preferably to another state.

One thing that has helped in the recovery of my own marriage is the fact that my OM lives 3000 miles away. I don't have to worry about accidentally bumping into him when I'm out shopping or having him show up at my door one day. I couldn't imagine making a situation like this work if I lived near the OM.

If OM hurt his wife more than once, and has in all of this continue to bother me and fill her head with lies, it's on her if she choses to stay...I really don't want to cause her anymore pain, it's her choice if she decides to take him back, she's not oblivious and it's her choice what to believe or not, she knows he said the same words to both of us and threats to hurt himself, if she accepts this it's her choice, there's no way I could approach her and tell her each and everytime, if she doesn't see the inconsistency between his words and actions there's nothing I can do...I want nothing to do with anything related to him...I just want time to pass and forget about all of this and never again see him, and I hope he has some shame and after receiving my BH letter he stays out of our lives and discard OC out of his life for good...

I have agreed to let BH know, if OM attempts to establish communication with me...his last email, I did not replied, it was pointless, I let him keep his thoughts everything, there's nothing for me to clear and when he contacted me and said we needed to talk, well no we didn't, that's when I went ahead and change all my info...I don't want more problems, I have enough of my own to be worried about his BW and making her aware of something she's already aware, just like me...I want to make things work for my family sake and my BH wants his three sons to grow together, that's really his primary concern, our sons...he already consulted with an attorney the situation of OC in case he ever has a change of heart which I doubt, but it gives him peace to know he is the only father to OC and he is determine not to allow him to intrude in this child's life for the sake of all three sons.

Betty,

...the one person that made the posts that made a world of a difference to me were Gamma's, I'm thankful to this person.

Glad I could help, and thank You for the kind words, I too found that kind of help when I first stumbled on MB, alot of it from Mrs_Zonie and Mr_Zonie.

At that time my W was on the verge of divorcing me or living without hope in a dead marriage. I changed in a span of a few weeks after I began reading on MB and my W thought it was miraculous.

A great deal of my change came from reading the WW threads and understanding why they cheated and how they felt unloved and unsupported in their marriages, and that what they wrote my W had said to me. One painful aspect of this realization was how many years of my marriage, and of my W's life I had wasted that could have been so much better. I encourage you to continue to read, especially the BH threads, here on MB.

God Bless
Gamma

It is not easy to read the truth being written about such despicable behavior behind a spouse's back. It was not the words that were appalling, but the actions that the words described. Nothing that was said here untrue, by the way. Not a word can be disputed. If the truth will run you off, then your problem is the truth. People who live lies run from the truth.

No one "judged his situation;" we judged your sleazy, rotten behavior. As anyone who knows right from wrong naturally would.


Folks could respect your leaving much more than staying and sneaking around like a rat in the dark. So please spare us the undeserved pats on the back for staying and cheating and lying.

I hope you aren't saying this stupid, foggy stuff to your husband. It won't help your situation one bit.

And do us a favor and please start using paragraphs when you write? Your posts are almost impossible to read because of the lack of paragraphs.

Gamma is one of the most knowledgable members on this forum.
He has great experience in dealing with OC scenarios and affairs in general.

I never recommended that you apologize to the wife you wronged. You are misinterpreting my words. perhaps I was not clear ...... I suggest that when your mind wanders and you think about OM that you immediately say his wife's name. This will help you break that habit.

Thank you and I will keep in mind you thoughts, words and by all means feel free to judge all you want and feel the need to.

When OM comes to my mind, that's exactly what I do, I think of his BW, son, his OC's and their mother's, and your absolutely right, it helps break the habit...

Thank you Gamma...I appreciate your posts very much...

I was beginning to feel somewhat discouraged of this site. But I will continue to read the other forums that you suggest. Had it not been for posting here and your posts, I don't think I would have done the right thing, I probably would still be living a lie.

I think we (myself & BH) will get through this and I am willing to do whatever I need to, in order to gain my BH's trust. I know it's not going to happen overnight, and it will take some time.

Thank you again very much!

What is happening with your BH?

BH is very hurt, angry, dissapointed and is going thru a series of emotions...whenever, thoughts come to his mind he will question me and of course I have to provide those answers as hurtful as they may be to him.

We will be attending counseling thru our church group at his request and make every attemp to go forward. He's been merciful with me and I know I don't deserve his generosity, but are thankful to him. I really don't know how he can keep himself together, because I can't, I fall apart. He stated he wants no skeletons in the closet, he wants to work things out for the sake of our marriage and family, but definitely wants me to have NC with OM and he wants NC between OC and OM for the sake and well being of OC and older brothers.

OM never left me alone despite his wife and son knowing and BH is aware of it, but in this ocasion, OM might have back off, because he was let go as a personal favor to me from his job. Being terminated for OM was far more humiliating than this situation, I hurt his ego I'm not sure, it was always about him, when they searched his laptop, they found all the emails where I polished and forward presentations he used for work and also emails where he threatned me he would commit suicide because I was being selfish and trying to leave him and not allow him to see or get close to OC...there was a lot of things...one of the business partners for the company he was working for was a very close friend of me and BH. Since I did not answer his calls and changed my number, he emailed me trying to manipulate the situation, I didn't bother to reply, I changed my email...I made my BH aware of everything, and OM is aware also, so I really hope he doesn't try to establish communication with me at all going forward and using OC as a excuse or suicide threats no longer work.

I have learned from my BH is not worth to hate, because even hating a person is making the person feel important sometimes especially people like OM, if I hate OM the only person being hurt will be me, because even negative feelings will not allow me to go forward in our lives. I am actually learning a lot from BH from this situation and I admire his strength.

He mentioned in the last few years he felt we were like two strangers living at home and although he was suspicious he did not wanted to dig because he was afraid of confirming his thoughts. He suffered a lot during this time, and actually started going to Sunday mass and reading the bible and going to bible studies, he grew spiritually while I drowned myself in my own sin. He did not want to lose his family, as he grew up without a father and had a very sad childhood he did not want our sons growing up in a broken home, so he decided to suffer in silence and prayed during this entire time for me and our family...it was the most painful conversation we both had, having to hear what I put BH thru...I honestly do not deserve his mercy or love.

I hope we will move forward and OM never intrudes again in our lives. My BH asked that no more secrets are kept, any attempt of OM now or later in life I would inform him, I agreed to all hims terms and conditions. I will do whatever he needs me to do to move forward in our marriage and with our family.

Gamma, thank you so much for directing me to read those other threads!!!

I have been reading other forums on the different aspects of infidelity and although reading the raw truth is hurtful, it's been helpful on every level and aspect of my personal situation.

I cannot change my past, but I can start on making better decisions going forward and setting the boundaries that I did not have in place prior and so much more.

Thank you so much!!!

Thank you. Hopefully, you gain the necessary skills to judge right from wrong as we are commanded by the Bible. The ability to judge right from wrong is what keeps us out of trouble, after all. Take care..

Thank you MelodyLane.

Gob bless you all and will keep reading, this has been very helpful to me and my BH is going forward. I strongly believe I have learned from my mistakes and doing the right thing was the best decision and I'm thankful to you all. I know what I'm going thru will pass, because I was given another opportunity to make things right, and I will, never again will I jeopordize my family's well being.

Thank you again and God bless you all.

I don't know why I'm bothering, since you never respond to any of my questions or posts, but what have you done to insure that OM will not further intrude in your lives?

Did you send an official NC letter?

When was the last time OM tried to contact you?

How close does OM live to you?

Has the affair been properly exposed to everyone?

Have you ordered "Surviving an Affair?"

I'm sorry writer1, I thought I had asnwered your questions...

On my part I told my husband the truth...I changed my personal email, I was also able to change it at work and my cell phone and work direct line. Me and OM do not work in the same company.

I emailed OM an official NC letter, and that didn't matter to him, he would continue to bother me. His ex-sister in law approached me in town, I'm assuming she must have recognized OC because he looks very much like his bio dad and is very different from his two older brothers, I had never met her or known her and she warned me to get away from OM, that he was a bad person and stuff like that, I'm thinking she might have thought I had a relationship with him, I really don't know why she did that...but she also brought to my attention that OM was bothering her sister, basically everything he used to manipulate our situation he was using to manipulate the situation with his BW and to get back with her while he was doing the same with me. Right after I had that conversation with his ex-sister in law, I wrote my NC letter to him, he was fired and he tried to contact me via email and phone, I did not reply to his email nor returned his call and went ahead and changed my contact information...this happened about a month ago, and just this past Sunday I confessed the whole truth to my BH...before my email was changed at work OM emailed me very upset because he was fired and assumed I approached his ex-sister in law, he wanted to talk despite everything because he wanted to be a part of OC's life, so I did not reply, I had my work email changed and in this occassion after I confessed the whole truth to my BH, BH wrote the NC letter to OM, he made it clear that OC was not a topic of discussion in any way he had a father and if he made any attempt to establish communication with OC he would seek a RO against him, therefore he had nothing to discuss with me, in OC's best interest he needed to stay away and leave me alone, and of course he did not reply to my BH and I have not heard from him...

OM lives about 45 mins away from us.

The affair has not been exposed yet to anyone on his side of the family, on my part it has been exposed, but BH is not sure yet on this...when he consulted with an attorney in regards to OC, his attorney suggested that if OM was not to be a part of OC's life then maybe it was useless for OC to know about his bio dad, but it was up to us to decide and he strongly recommended that we tell OC the truth between the ages of 4-7 or never tell him at all.

I already ordered Surviving An Affair...although my husband doesn't want to join this site, but I'm finding a lot of helpful information and knowing from other similar situations...

I hope this time OM never again bothers me and doesn't attempt to intrude in OC's life later in life...I really doubt it, even though he knew OC somewhat he never really cared based on a lot of things that came up, a lot of deceitful lies and also OM's relationship he was carrying with the other OW and mother of other child...I decided not to talk to his BW, my BH suggested to let that go, as that would only create anger in me and would not allow me to fully do my best in our relationship, and to keep in mind that his BW already knew enough about him, she was not oblivious to his behaviors and lies...

I have ordered the "Surviving An Affair"...I think we have a lot to deal with going forward and our primary concern is OC in all of this...I don't know anything about OM and I don't want to know about him either...he had never back off before, but I'm guessing because this time the letter came from BH it's different for him, his not used to dealing with the men that were affected and hurt in his different affairs.

If anyone has any experience with situations like mine with OC I would greatly appreciate information. as my BH believes if we were to tell OC the truth it would only be if he found out later in life if his bio dad decided to look for him when he's an adult, other than that, he prefers to take it to the grave for OC's sake and his brothers...I understand him as he loves this child and doesn't want his quality of life to change in any way or to affect the relationship with his brothers, he wants them to keep growing just the way they are and doesn't want him to ever feel discriminated by knowing the truth, because he is loved the same way nothing more or less from his brothers. Please advice or suggest other forums to read...I been looking for a situation like ours...

Also writer1 it's been about 6 months that OM had contact with OC...he lived in the same town we live before, but he was forced to move with his parents 45 mins away due to the fact that he was having financial difficulties about 4 months ago.

One of the reasons my BH wrote the letter was actually due to the fact he threatned my safety and son's as well. All these details came out between my BH and I when I confessed, as my BH asked questions it was like uncovering a can of worms for him, but he became very disturbed with that information in particular. I strongly believe that since my BH is now involved I doubt he will come around or intrude in our lives.

Thanks for all the info Betty.

My OC is 4 years old now and we do intend to tell her the truth when she is old enough to understand (probably around 7 or 8). She doesn't understand the concept of "biological" yet so I think 4 is too young. I do believe children have a right to know the truth about their own identities. In my case, my BH had a vasectomy many years ago and everyone in our families knew this, so everyone, including our older children (aged 18-23) know the truth. Also, being an OC myself, I just don't think it's right to try to keep something like this a secret. Secrets have a way of coming out eventually, and it will be so much harder on your child if he learns the truth from someone else someday. He will fill hurt and betrayed and deceived.

If I were you, I would strongly consider moving. My OM is 3000 miles away and that has certainly made complete NC much easier. He has never seen OC. I think it would be very difficult to ensure that OM stays out of your lives if you continue to live so close to one another.

**edit**

Those people have no rights in this marriage, though.

The only people due any consideration in this situation are Betty and her H, who want to keep their marriage together. If that is their goal, then the interest of the OC are that Betty and her H have nothing to do with OM and his children, grandparents, aunts, uncles or any "etcs".

This site is Marriage Builders, and Dr Harley's advice is centred on healing the marriage. Aunts and uncles do not come into consideration. Informing OM's relatives about OC, or trying to forge a relationship between them and OC, will only bring about the demise of Betty's marriage. Her H has a right to NC with anything and anybody to do with the affair if he is to stay married to Betty and bring up this child.

A reminder to posters to stick to MB concepts if you are going to post to others here. The purpose of this forum is to help posters learn Dr. Harley's views, not our personal opinions.

Thank you.

These are suggestions Dr Harley has made in similar situations:



As you can see from the quote above, Dr Harley clearly states that if OM does visit child it should be in transparency and OM family should know.�

You completely misrepresented what he said above. HE said:


Where has the OM demanded to be on the birth certificate? Where has the OM achieved legal visitation rights? That has not happened here.

Here is what Harley would advise under these circumstances:

Thank you. OM was demanding all those rights, but never really did anything...in my case OM wanted me to do all the work for him and wanted a relationship with me in order to be part of OC's life, which was not going to happen and as mentioned above in reality he never truthfully wanted that relationship with OC. Although at the time my BH did not know anything, I was clear to OM that because OC was growing he would have to have an open and transparent relationship with OC, he could not play mind games with the little guy...it became a horrible burden on me having to live a double life and he seemed to care less. I put myself in this situation and don't blame anyone but me, OM did what he could and got as much as he could out of me...as time went on, the lies and deceit became a burden on me, and now I'm just glad I confessed to my BH and he's actually being quite supportive on every aspect of our marriage especially with concerns related to OC.

It is my BH will for now, not to mention anything about OC to his family or older brothers, he wants NC with OM or any of his family to know about OC, and this he wants for OC's emotional and psycological well being.

Between BH and myself things are looking well, my BH has established the conditions, we are talking more than before and we started attenting counseling at my BH request and we are very open about everything now, there is no more secrets or lies or as my BH calls it "skeletons in the closet".

Counseling may not be the best option.
Have you considered marriage coaching through Marriage Builders?

My situation with my BH is going forward and in a good direction. However, a lot of the times I find myself crying because I just hate myself for everything I have done, for hurting others and look back at my behavior and look at myself looking cheaper than a prostitute! I feel lower than dirt and are so overwhelmed with shame when I have to talk to my BH.

Although BH has given me another opportunity and his plan for recovery is so much like everything I have ran into this site, I have my own issues to deal with and I don't want those emotions to hold me back in our recovery. I have expressed this to my BH. I realized that I'm so angry for degrading myself and allowing myself to go that low...for tainting my life and more for those that love me as well, my family. I think with my BH I have a bright future to look ahead for myself and our sons, but it's so difficult to get rid of the anger because I'm angry at myself for than anything, I hurt just thinking of how selfish I was behaving and I'm disgusted to look back and see my behavior and how I never acknowledge my wrong doing, I was wrotted in my own selfishness and blinded myself to see my disgusting behavior, I was an acomplice to hurt others...

I'm so disgusted with myself for being an adulteress and feel so filthy...now I know my little guy will be fine and will always have loving and caring people in his life. But, when I think of my emotions, I don't want this to be in the way and detriment my effort to move forward in my marriage. I especially don't want to give a mediocre effort on my part, because I find myself at times very optimistic thinking of my future with my BH and then those feelings come to mind and taint my hope...if anyone can direct me to read on different forum to address these issues plese let me know, I would very much appreciate it.

God Bless.
Betty

Betty, your H is exactly right and Dr Harley would support him in this. The reason is because the best interest of OC lies in you having a healthy marriage. That comes FIRST. A healthy marriage benefits ALL of your children, including the OC.


I am sorry to read you are attending counseling since marriage counseling is so destructive to marriages. They have an 84% failure rate and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. I would strongly encourage you to get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program in there. It is completely different from any other program or counseling out there in that it focuses on restoring ROMANTIC LOVE to your marriage. No other program does that. It also contains steps to affair proof your marriage. You don't need counseling to have a great marriage, you just need to follow the steps in that book.

I did get the book, and started myself reading it. I actually

However, my BH wants nothing to do here. The counseling we started is through our church, it's more like a apiritual coach for the both of us, but the focus is our marriage and husband and wife relationship. A lot of it, I can relate it to MB principles. Nonetheless, I keep encouraging my BH to at least start reading the book.

For now, I'm trying to read as much as I can, to do my best for him and help him in any way that I can.

Guilt is your conscience's warning system that you have made a mistake. That is a good thing, not a bad thing! The day you don't feel bad about being bad is the day your conscience is DEAD. I suggest you EMBRACE the guilt and recognize it is your friend not your enemy.

What you can do to alleviate your pain is to make amends, just as you are doing now. You have confessed your crime to your husband and are taking the steps to make just compensation.

EMBRACE your guilt, Betty. If you didn't have guilt, you would be a sociopath. It is a sign that you are a good, decent person.

That is good. But I will tell you that marriage counseling, even through churches, is damaging to marriages. Dr Harley is a Christian and his program is biblically based. The difference between his plan and others is that his actually WORKS.

The way it works is to restore romantic love to fill the WOUND left by the affair. When that happens, the marriage is happy and recovered. BUT...when a romantic marriage is not acheived, the resentment of the betrayed spouse poisons the marriage. If you read the threads around here you will immediately be able to tell the difference between who actually worked the program and who didn't. The ones who didn't experience resentment that grows year after year. Those who did work the program don't have residual resentment.

Also, if you can swing it, this workbook would be an invaluable aide: Five Steps to Romantic Love


It has the necessary worksheets you need to get through the program. One of the most important parts is getting in undivided attention time. That will restore the romantic love the fastest to your marriage. The Policy of Undivided Attention


The workbook is $11 but you could get it free if you send an email to the radio show and ask for Dr Harley's advice. You don't have to give your name. They just read and answer your email on the show.

Thank you so much! You have given me so much hope, words cannot explain my gratitude and will only keep reading. I want my marriage to succeed and I want my BH to trust me once again and move forward with our sons.

You are doing just great, Betty! I know it took a lot of balls to tell your husband. And if you have the nads to do that, you have the strength to pull your marriage out of this bad place.

Totally agree.

Good job Betty for doing the right thing.

I would say my situation is similar. You even coincidentally picked the same thread title as mine. Even that OM lost his job over the whole thing is the same - I told the guy he had a choice to call and resign before noon, or he would be fired. At 11am I paid a visit to my FIL (his boss) and when no call came in by 12, I told my Dad everything and that he was not to work there anymore.

"Another OC Story". you can find it on this board.

Betty, I have read most of your thread. I am so happy you have listened to and acted upon the good advice you've received from folks here. They are truly remarkable people. I hope you continue to follow the directives and I really hope you can get your husband on board here.

If he were sitting in my living room right now (I would think that's a little strange because it's Christmas Day, although all are welcome here. ) I would BEG him to read my thread as there are a lot of points that would be pertinent to him.

It's also imperative that you and him both follow the words of Dr. Harley throughout the recovery process; deviations could lead to great confusion and an incomplete marriage recovery. 6 months from now, when the novelty of all this wears off, you do NOT want to fall back into the same marital habits you are used to -- following THIS program will prevent that. All others will only make you feel good for the time being, but not necessarily be a PLAN for long-term success.

The only thing worse for you and your DH and OC at this point would be to not have an even better marriage than you ever imagined, would be to go through a divorce (or another affair on either of your parts; and if you don't think it could happen after what you've been through, think again).

There is important information in my thread about when to tell the OC (actually it might be another thread that I jacked - I'll check that). Your attorney has actually given a good guildeline in my opinion except for the "if not then, then never" -- Never is not an option in my view. Fortunately, he's young so you have time to research that one.

Merry Christmas, Betty and Mr. Betty!!

opt

Here is optimism's story.
Another OC Story