Jennifer,
truly I don't know, I feel that I should do my best to keep the family together, but the person he became is just untolerable.
The things he does, so out of character, no logic or common sense, not only as a parent but human being.

JediK, thank you for your comment, need to read your thread to know more.
The challenge with my WH is that he truly believes that he is doing the best for the girls.
Therefore he is blaming me for "running away" from Spain, as he wanted me to stay there so that he could live with us and visit the OW, whenever he wanted.
When that was out of the question he agreed that I should move out and he could take the girls to and from school and then keep them over the weekends in the toxic house of OW ( with her playing lovely step mummy...).

Just before I found out about the affair he offered that he will stay with the girls in Spain, I should go to London and work and have some ME time (and send him money!!!!) and hopefully our relation would recover ( obviously this was just a trick to carry on with his affair).

Each and every idea he had, served only him and his fix.
His idea was to separate slowly from the girls so they would not miss him as much as they miss him now not seeing him.
He doens't understand that the girls are in pieces because his affair and family desintegration, not only the fact that he is now far away.

I think he did not expect the consequences to hit him so hard and to lose so much control over our and his life.

I control his emails to my daughter ( not plan B, but I really have to know what he writes) and he appologizes to her all the time and wrote that if he had known what was going to happen he would have had acted differently ( which means he would never let me out of the country), thankfully my reactions were very quick.
So I think this is the most painful bit, he really does not get it. That his affair damaged our family, that he did not behave like a men who cares and had no strenght to end it, he failed to protect all of us, he was extremely egoistic and selfish and on top of this he kept hurting our children and not realizing it ( thinking that he is a great father!!!)

He failed me in every possible way. But I still don't know if I could cut the contact with him for the good of the girls. Will wait what happens when he comes over.
I am pretty sure that he will spend great deal of time and effort to rebuild his image, rather than help the girls to heal.

Also I have a question.
I have a friend, who is our mutual friend really, she offered to talk to him about his behaviour towards our girls ( she won't mention his affair etc), she is also divorced and has three daughters. Her offer is really tempting, since she is not a family member and would not take sides, and he doesn't listen to anybody as everybody is "against him"
What do you think?

Hey czarne

I have been following your thread from the start and just wanted to say you are doing great and wanted to offer some support as a fellow Londoner (Croydon way)

In my opinion you can't ever reason with a WH, they are nothing like the man you married, they are selfish, self cantered and poisonous to everyone around them.

I am concerned about the contact your WH is having with the kids, if it upsets them so much and hurts your plan B and chance of recovery why are you still letting it happen.

He hasn't got money for his girls, he hasn't got the sense to protect them in any way from his bad conduct. You are the only parent with any sense at the moment and I would urge you to cut off contact between the girls and your WH.

What's the worse that can happen?? Your girls get upset?? Well they are devastated every time he calls so not talking to him would surely benefit them in the long run.

He will Barmouth you to everyone? Well I can guarantee that he is already doing so now so no change there.

Save all the emails he has sent your girls where he has communicated in appropriately in any way and use them as evidence against him when her plays the victim card.

You will not be in sanity saving real plan B until you truly cut out contact with him and unfortunately he is using the girls to keep you reacting to him.

I know he is coming to London for Christmas, but how sure are you that he is coming alone? How are you going to handle the OW having contact with your kids?

Really hoping you find some peace soon.

PS I wouldn't bother getting anyone to talk to him he is not going to defog until he is away from the OW for good. He is in his little fantasy bubble and if his own kids suffering can't brake that I doubt a conversation with a friend would.

If he ever comes back to the family he will experience a period of pining for her and it takes a while for him to start feeling remorse or any kind of shame for his action. While he is with her there is zero chance of him showing any of the feelings your looking for so don't torture yourself by looking for them or waste time second guessing how he is feeling.

All you can do right now is protect yourself and girls from him.

Dear C

Get rid of him. He is not worth it . Get a new beautiful life.

Czarne,

Attempting to educate a wayward is a waste of time. Don't bother having your friend talk to him.

Reading your daughter's emails to your H is hurting YOU. You won't start feeling better until you are fully in plan B.

What legal advice did you get about your H's visit? From his persistent conversations, I would be extra careful about him taking the girls back to Spain without your permission.

AM

AM

NB28,thank you for your comment.
My daughter told me he is coming alone, he will be sleeping in his friend's gym!!!!!
OW is not coming, my WH plans to look for a job and a flat?????
( very realistic to find it during Christmas break with no money)
and then move back to London before my D10's birthday, which is in August.

Faithnomove, I think I am moving in this direction...

ArmyMama,
I am going to see the solicitor today at 2pm, there is an open clinic, on first come first served basis.
If helpful, will hire him private.

I have left my car for my WH in Spain, he was supposed to change the registration and insurance on his name.
Phoned the insurance company and found out that he has not done it yet, I am certain that registration has not been sorted either.

I think it will really make him mad, but I emailed the cancellation of my insurance along with his details as a new driver to the insurance company, so he is forced now to deal with it.
His insurance costs three times as much as mine, this is the reason why he has not done it so far. So there is another problem in affairland....

Also he is claiming child support money there as unemployed.
He is supposed to send me the whole amount every month, but since I am here now, my friend told me it is illegal.
I have also applied for child benefit in the UK, but not receiving it right now as it takes 3 months to sort out.

I will cancel this government help too. And the residency of the girls needs to be changes, they are registered at OW address, where WH lives so that he can recive the benefits.
Need to deal with this asap.
Another nightmare in wonderland.....

Now I need to find out how to change the car registration to his name, he has debts all over, so I am worried that the car would be taken from him, but he cannot drive under my name.

Good luck with the solicitor today, only hire someone you are confident about. Can you report him for illegally claiming the girls or have money redirected and eww that they are listed at OW's address!

Sounds like you're moving forward, one step at a time!

Hope all goes well with your meeting with the lawyer today and you can prevent him from taking the children back to Spain.

Can you do an online change of registration?

It's a shame the increase in registration may impact waywardville, it would be awful if it caused any AO

It is a shame he is speaking in this manner to your daughter.

Good news! He cannot remove the girls from the UK ( at least legally).
The solicitor was lovely, very helpful ( a woman) and run with me through all possible scenarios.
Basically if I am a main carer of the girls I can completely cut contact with him if I feel his behaviour is unreasonable ( which it is).
Standard contact is three phonecalls a week not a day, and they have to take place during the day, not late.

He has not sent me the money we agreed on, he asked my daughter to tell me that he refuses to contact my IM, won't bring my computer( that he knows I need for work)until I will get in touch with him directly.

I don't know what he wants from me, but I will not bend as the wind blows.
So obviously I will not get in touch with him. He won't leave me alone!!!!
So tired of his emotional blackmails, he cannot understand that I have nothing to do with him apart of our girls.
My friend will try to cancel my D's residency and the benefits he is claiming, he will go nuts.

I can also limit his direct contact with the girls when he comes over in two weeks.
I will give him a chance, but if I notice that he talks rubbish, will cut him out completely until he comes to his senses ( which might never happen).

I have horrible flu, but I am so happy!

Czarne,

Glad you got legal advice.

If you are going to allow him to have contact with the girls I would strongly advice you to only allow him supervised contact.

His behaviour and the things he is saying to the kids is truly distressing to them I don't understand how you are willing to give him anymore chances to stop this when he is still doing it regularly

I also have a strong feeling that he will try to get the girls to talk to the OW on the
phone and force them to be friendly towards her. This will only confuse and upset the kids more. You need to make it a clear condition of contact between him and the kids that they are never exposed to the OW.

great idea, did not think about it, thanks!

Dear C,
Oh, there will be financial problems for him. A lot. My WH already owes around 10,000! Just don't you think money can change his mind, especially since OW is loaded. They will only bring YOU some satisfaction ( at least at the beginning cause later you are needing the child support). He was always like this wright? I mean not reliable with money. You can start feeling sorry for the OW!

Well you already know that he will talk rubbish.
He had been doing so consistently.

I'm going to post to you what Dr Harley wrote to me. It is applied to my situation but I think you should consider the advice and email the Radio show for advice. The problem is that he is using your child as a messenger and children of divorce / separation have a right not to be used in that manner. It is unfair for your daughter.

From Dr Harley:


I understand how you want your children to have a reasonably friendly relationship with their mother. �But under the circumstances, I�d suggest that instead, you create a wall of protection around your children as long as possible because of your wife�s thoroughly uncaring behavior toward them. �Let them know the full truth about her lack of care for them because of her love for another man. �Don�t embellish the story, just give them the facts. �Sooner or later she will probably try to restore her relationship with them through you, perhaps in the hope that she would receive some kind of financial support from you or the state if she were to have partial custody. �But I would let them know that not every mother loves or knows how to care for her children. �Sadly, their mother is probably one of these people. �Plan B is probably the best way to create that wall of protection.

I'm glad you received your advice and he can't legally remove the children from UK.

I would consider a plan of action just in case he attempts to remove them. A checklist of who you should notify, what steps to take should he try. This suggestion is not to scare you but help prepare should the situation arise so you can act swiftly.

My solicitor advised me that if I have suspicion that he plans to take the girls now in December, I should inform him that I will put "stop all ports order" with the police if he is late.
This way he will not be able to leave the UK.

As crazy as he acts now I don't think he plans to do it now, maybe in the future.

ADs kicked in after two weeks, feel really calm now.
He sent me some money yesterday, which surprised me.

Faithnomore, yes, he was always unreliable with money. Head in the clouds, spending till last penny and million and one ideas how to hit it big.
Now brainwashed by MLM company....
the OW is taking care of him financially, also of her ex partner.
Don't know how she can do it and for how long.

JediK,
I don't think I can cut the contact with him, I am still hoping he will come to his senses, not about our relationship, but regarding his children.

Will make it very clear that there musn't be any exposure to OW during his stay here.
I will do everything possible so that my girls will never see her in their life again.

Is your lawyer going to send it to him or are you?

BrainHurts,

I can just call the police, the reason I want to tell him about it is that I don't want him to have any stupid ideas cross his head.

Just be prepared for it. You can't control his crazy thoughts. You can only protect yourself and your kids.