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Marriage Builders Forums Infidelity Surviving an Affair I think I'm done dealing with all the cheating.

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Re: I think I'm done dealing with all the cheating. Mamamalea #2689295 12/08/12 07:13 PM
Joined: Jun 2008 Posts: 3,686 Ankh-Morpork K karmasrose Member
karmasrose Member K Joined: Jun 2008 Posts: 3,686 Ankh-Morpork	I highly doubt he'll leave. You need to expose ASAP. One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger I will not spend my life this way.

Re: I think I'm done dealing with all the cheating. karmasrose #2689316 12/08/12 09:45 PM
Joined: Oct 2012 Posts: 707 J JessicaClaire Member
JessicaClaire Member J Joined: Oct 2012 Posts: 707	Mamamalea: I dealt with a similar situation during the past year. My kids see their dad throughout the week, but I have physical custody. Since my ex husband has been unemployed, he petitioned the court for 50% custody so he wouldn't be held deliquent on child support payments. The state we live in requires mandatory mediation whenever a parent petitions for a change in child custody. When we went to the mediator, I explained that one of my main concerns was my kids being accidentally exposed to porn due to my ex husband's sex addiction (in addition to alcoholism). I explained that the kids are teenagers, and I had already told them about their father's affairs, addictions, etc. The mediator told me I was definitely going to lose if the case went to court because it would appear that I'd been trying to poison the kids' minds against their father. Well, I wasn't about to give my ex shared custody, so I hired an attorney, fought him in court, and won. I still have 100% physical custody of my kids. *Save every piece of evidence you find regarding your husband's sex addiction and reckless behavior. If you end up in a custody dispute, your attorney will need all of it.

Re: I think I'm done dealing with all the cheating. JessicaClaire #2689360 12/09/12 11:06 AM
Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp P Pepperband Member
Pepperband Member P Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp	Originally Posted by JessicaClaire *Save every piece of evidence you find regarding your husband's sex addiction and reckless behavior. If you end up in a custody dispute, your attorney will need all of it. For emphasis ! LINK ~~> Carrot/Stick of Plan A LINK ~~> Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders

Re: I think I'm done dealing with all the cheating. Pepperband #2689361 12/09/12 11:09 AM
Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp P Pepperband Member
Pepperband Member P Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp	Please, stick to one thread so people do not have to jump around to see what other facts you have posted about your situation. Originally Posted by Mamamalea Tonight I asked if we could calmly talk about what has been going on. He said ok. I then told him that I was not feeling loved from him and that he was really hurting me with his behavior. I said that we really need to work on this and that he needs to stop going on Craigs List and other Web sights soon or he is going to have to move out because, I can't do it anymore. I can't let him cheat on me anymore. He started yelling at me and saying its not cheating you F...... B... I calmly said it is cheating in my opinion and it is unacceptable to me. You have told me that you didn't follow through meeting up with these people and even if you didn't and Im not sure that I believe that; it is still cheating to talk to someone else about sex and look at pictures of them. Then I asked about the guy he had emialed about meeting and if he had really had oral sex with men. He said he is not gay and that if I asked him about it ever again that he would hurt me and he got up in my face like almost touching me and I put my hands up just to keep him from coming closer he grabbed them hard and threw them against the wall and said dont touch me. I wasn't touching him until he pushed against my hands. I was protecting my self It was really scary he was right in my face and screaming and he pushed me. He is 6 ft and Im only 5'5". He hasn't been physically violent before. He refused to even talk about it or admit anything. I said, Can you agree to stop this behavior or not? He wouldn't answer me. If you don't stop this behavior you are going to have to leave because, it is not fair to me. We both have to want this. He said if he leaves he is talking all the money and I won't get anything. I said you would really do that to our kids. He said ya so you couldn't have it. I told him the state web page said he would be required to pay 952 a month in CS. He said I'll quit my job before I give you that. I said the judge would side against him if he did that durring a divorce or sepetation and he would not get joint custody anymore. He said he didn't care he didn't have rights anyway. He stormed out of the house and went to work early. Wow what a disaster tonight was I just wanted to talk calmly about this and tell him my expectations and he yells and gets up in my face to intimidate me. Says he is not going to give me one red sent if I leave him and he will quit his job so I wont get any help from him. WTH LINK ~~> Carrot/Stick of Plan A LINK ~~> Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders

Re: I think I'm done dealing with all the cheating. Pepperband #2689459 12/10/12 02:12 AM
Joined: May 2009 Posts: 550 Just North M Mrs_Recon6mo Member
Mrs_Recon6mo Member M Joined: May 2009 Posts: 550 Just North	Dear Mamamalea, If you want him to stop abusing you, you need to expose him wide and far. Then there is a chance he will stop. You cannot talk sense to a wayward and an addict. Instead of just saying that it is not acceptable to you, you actually have to SHOW him that it is not acceptable. Please read the Exposure 101 thread and walk the walk. Me, FWW: 43 Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44 DD20 and DS23 3 cats Married 23 years, together 24 Divorcing

Re: I think I'm done dealing with all the cheating. Pepperband #2689502 12/10/12 10:34 AM
Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp P Pepperband Member
Pepperband Member P Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp	Well, try looking at this with new eyes. Originally Posted by YOU I just wanted to talk calmly about this and tell him my expectations and he yells and gets up in my face to intimidate me. Says he is not going to give me one red sent if I leave him and he will quit his job so I wont get any help from him. WTH You wanted to have a calm talk with an addict. You wanted to share your expectations with an addict. An addict yelled at you. An addict intimidated you when you dared to ask he quit his addiction. An addict threatened to cut you off financially. An addict cornered you and played into your fears. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here is the truth about that encounter. You have tried the very same approach may times previously. Haven't you? From an outsider's point of view, this is what I see. You are fear driven. Your addict knows what buttons to push to make your fears greater. You are emotionally stuck and not accustomed to working with a plan. You have given any personal power over to an addict. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How willing are you to change yourself? <~~~ You cannot work any MB plan unless you are willing to change yourself. Are we wasting our time trying to get YOU to change yourself? Are you too stuck in your fear-driven-life to dare do something completely different? Have you reached the limit of what abuse you will tolerate? LINK ~~> Carrot/Stick of Plan A LINK ~~> Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders

Re: I think I'm done dealing with all the cheating. Pepperband #2689516 12/10/12 11:28 AM
Joined: Sep 2012 Posts: 251 Midwest Q Qoheleth Member
Qoheleth Member Q Joined: Sep 2012 Posts: 251 Midwest	Your WH's behaviour will drastically change once he's exposed. I would advise doing it as soon as possible. There is no point in waiting a month and a half. As soon as he's exposed, he will have no other place to go and he will probably try to make things work you, at least for a few weeks or months. He cannot quit his job simply to avoid paying child support (and as a former law enforcement officer he knows this). The shame of being exposed to his church, bishop, etc. may be powerful enough to motivate him to change. There is no reason you should hide his promiscuous behaviour any longer. The longer it goes long, the more likely he is to get infected with HIV and develop AIDS. By exposing you are doing both yourself and him a favour. If he becomes violent again please do not hesitate to have him arrested. We don't want you end up in the hospital. BH (me), age 30. Plan D final 1/1/13

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Marriage Builders Forums Infidelity Surviving an Affair I think I'm done dealing with all the cheating.

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