It's been a year since I found out about my husband's affair. We had some marital issues right from the beginning (married about 21 years) since I am pretty open about my feelings and R is not. Over the years I would try to get close to him, but he would pull back; which would make me angry, so I would push his buttons (meanly) to get a reaction from him. Wrong thing to do. He just internalized all the bad stuff.
He eventually left me for a week. I had to take a hard look at myself and admit what I was doing was wrong. I worked really hard on our relationship, biting my tongue and approaching conflict in a much more positive manner, and was very conscientious about showing him I love him. During this time, he started an Internet relationship, which blossomed into more. She lives far, far away ; so he took "business trips "and flew down to see her. I was stupid. With my husband's job, it was believeable that he needed to help maintenance crews. Plus, our home relationship was getting so much better...we became friends again, enjoyed time together,became more affectionate and intimate. I was so proud of us.
One day at work, two of my coworkers showed me an email they had received from a woman S, who was "trying to get in touch with me ". S had hacked into my Facebook site and contacted 7 of my friends. The email was devastating, ...telling me of the whole affair with my husband. The affair lasted about 2 years.
AfterI confronted R, he told me pretty much everything. Said she had been trying to contact me and our son to tell about the affair since he had recently "called it off ". I have since found out from others that S is a nasty piece of psychological work (think Glenn Close)
Wow. This is long. Sorry.
At this point ( a year after I found out), I am still so angry and hurt. We 'he gone to a counselor and R tries to show me he loves me ; but I can 't make myself believe it. I am still devastated. I really have no one to talk to. I had to hide my hurt around my son for the past year (tip he went off to college) so no one understands why I 'm still hurt. I can 't talk to my mom (dementia) or my dad ; my friends try to help but can 't figure out why I can 't "get over it ".
My self esteem ducks. I get hurt/angry over stupid things.
Really, people, how long does this take?

Thanks for replying. Haven't really told many people. My family knows, and his mom knows. The 3 women I work closely know (they're the ones who had to tell me...felt bad for them), and my neighbor whose husband just walked out on her.
I 'm not sure who else knows (you know how gossip is loved), which makes me feel humiliated sometimes.
R has come pretty clean about breaking off the affair. She was persistent about keeping contact until he threatened legal action.
I looked at the "recovery plan " a year ago, but I think I wasn't ready to hit it head on since my son was still home, and I couldn't face all the pain.
I 'll give it a go now.

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

My head is kinda' spinning right now. Just need to take a deep breath and move forward. My husband is really working on making me feel more secure, but didn't realize how I felt about all his Internet work and all the phone calls he receives. He is willing to show me all his contacts, but I feel a bit stupid doing that. After reading some posts and the articles, I realize this is needed for me to move on.

Not sure how to tell my son,though.

My husband is a maintenance manager and also has a side job. He receives a lot of calls. He is being very good about showing me call records and emails he receives. He has asked to be conferences in to seminars instead of having to go out of town.

Oooof.
Not going to be easy. Right now R and I trying to figure out, ...do we tell him together? Separately? When 's the right time, etc.