I probably shouldn't post as I do not have a specific question, probably a million different ones. My circumstances are so complicated that I would not possibly be able to detail the backround accurately with one post. My first question: Can a looong term cheater stop? Also if he can, where to begin. My husband doesn't even know that Im aware of his many affairs. He thinks that I only know about one and has lied repeatedly and just refused to answer questions I had. He laughs or mocks me if I tell him that I need closure. He thinks that word is BS.

H doesn't know that I am aware of his cheating and have been for years.

Is there a reason you have not confronted him about his previous affairs?

And yes a serial cheater can change if he chooses, but it takes an enormous lifestyle change. For example, in order to change, he would need to become completely transparent, end all opposite sex friendships, never travel without his spouse and give you complete access to his email and cell phone.

And of course, he would need to tell you the full truth about all of his affairs.

If he won't do those things, Dr Harley would recommend you separate from him.

I don't really think I can confront him as he would never admit any of it. I have witnessed firsthand yet for years have stayed silent and tried to live life ignoring this fact. I know it is dumb, but that was my survival technique. I did confront him about one affair and he probably thinks Im obsessed with it because I didn't let it go. Strange thing is that I don't really care about one affair more than another, I would have forgiven very quickly if he had answered my questions honestly and stopped cheating. The sex doesn't bother me as much as the emotional part. The part that he would protect a woman and her feelings before mine. I actually had a bf when I was young that cheated and it wasn't that big of a deal, he would feel bad and tell me before I even found out. He would apologize and say how dumb he is and answer any questions and we would move on. That isn't what ultimately broke us up. I believe my husband has a problem and I would like to know if it can be helped. I don't know where to begin and have paid dearly for my years of silence. I had a complete breakdown after losing a family member, it seems I couldn't deal with the continued lying and cheating on top of a death. I don't think he has ever loved me and has stayed because of the kids. We have been married 12 years and I have been lonely the entire time, I have hurt myself so much trying to bury my pain from his infidelities. Until last year, Ive been alone most of the time due to his schedule which he refused to change...seeing him only once a week usually. He never does anything with me and his excuse is always money..if he only knew that I knew he has had money for otghers many many times. When he has taken me out, its always where one of them will be. It is so humiliating and I have no confidence or happiness. The people closest to me have lied for him. He also likes the thrill of me being close,

But you don't need the admission of a liar to know truth. Confronting does not mean asking him if it is true. It means TELLING you know.


You have enabled him to great degree. If you had confronted him and exposed his affair wide and far the FIRST TIME, there might not have been another affair.


This is why Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders does not recommend staying with a cheater. If the cheater won't end his affair<s> and commit to a radical lifestyle change, he counsels that the woman get away from the man BECAUSE women have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder from living as you are living. IT is detrimental to your emotional and physical health.


Why would you ALLOW anyone to treat you like that?

The problem here is you, not him. You allow him to treat you badly and do nothing to stop it.

Lonely_1,

You are lonely, but not alone, many men like to regress back to childhood with a mommy/wife at home and adolescent style girlfriends on the side. That describes almost my MILs entire life.

You don't have to suffer like that however, you have only been married 12 years and you can save your marriage. Quietly gather as much evidence as you can on current and past affairs and then expose your WH to high heaven. Had my MIL done this years ago she would have short circuited my FILs many affairs, financial excesses and stupidity and saved herself years of pain.

God Bless
Gamma

It is possible he may change once he deals with the reality of losing his current lifestyle and marriage. But no change will happen until that feels real to him.

3 weeks of Plan A followed by Plan B is what you and he need.

The truth is as much as I am willing to forgive I cannot do so without my husband apologizing...coming clean. He is absolutely unwilling to admit to any of his affairs. He is silent or angry unless I put on a cheerful disposition and act like everything is ok. I am going to seek legal help but am waiting until after holidays. Last year was bad and I want kids to have a good Christmas etc this year. I am acting as if all is well for now though Im miserable. I have no access to money and he controls every penny. He would rather put out over$500 a month for vacation place than give me a hundred a week or even fifyy. I have to look for job after holidays, I dont even have makeup or clothes so its tough. I know lawyer will force us to sell house or something but I have no choice and he will not help me start over. I would love to repair marriage but cant do alone. After so many years of putting things out mind Im suffering from constant thoughts images etc. I woke every day for years with energy and my daywould revolve around pleasing him cooking cleaning ....now Im trying to act like old self just for kids and look into options in Jan

Not even sure about work. I didnt mention that I am pregnant. Something else anger him. Once years ago he had girlfriend that acted like my friend. She knewcI wanted baby and encouraged it, when I cpmfirmed pregnancy she was with me. My husbandv came home an hr later and she kept saying tell him so I did. In front of her. His response was thats f*ng great amd stormed off. She was living with us at time. Its all so humiliating. H thinks I only know of one affair and lies about that one. Worst part is his sweet loving personality with them emotionally wherev I get anger silence. Physically he is different withbpast women very gentle , massages, tickles back, brushes hair that type of thing. With me its normally very rough or 90% of time 'turn over' and Im face down and given instructions entire time- like move leg thiscway, etc. Sorry if too much info. Thing is I dont turn him away ever andbif I try he pushes me...but I dont. Im still very in love with him and desire him. I honestly am npt attracted other men. Its still difficult and I enjoy being with him but knowing hes been girls over 10 years younger with no children when Im old and have had four. I am never complimented or taken anywhere, its almost like I work for him.

Are you familiar with personal boundaries?
You can tell him NO

To save your marriage, you must expose his affair(s) to family, friends, clergy, employers (especially if he's doing someone from work), and children.

There will be no closure until the affair has ended. Fact. An affair may end when the offender gains some conscience, not likely with such a selfish and inconsiderate jerk like your husband. However, almost all affairs end when they are no longer secret.

Consider today your lucky day. Marriage Builders is a tried and tested method of recuperating damaged marriages. But, you cant create your own version of it.

Good luck.

I am sorry for your pain, but STOP the madness and DO something about it. Why would he change ? He has no reason to because he knows you won't do anything about his behavior.

I'm not trying to be harsh, Lonely, but you DO NOT have to live like that, you are choosing to live like that.

Not even sure about work. I didnt mention that I am pregnant. Something else anger him. Once years ago he had girlfriend that acted like my friend. She knewcI wanted baby and encouraged it, when I cpmfirmed pregnancy she was with me. My husbandv came home an hr later and she kept saying tell him so I did. In front of her. His response was thats f*ng great amd stormed off. She was living with us at time. Its all so humiliating. H thinks I only know of one affair and lies about that one. Worst part is his sweet loving personality with them emotionally wherev I get anger silence. Physically he is different withbpast women very gentle , massages, tickles back, brushes hair that type of thing. With me its normally very rough or 90% of time 'turn over' and Im face down and given instructions entire time- like move leg thiscway, etc. Sorry if too much info. Thing is I dont turn him away ever andbif I try he pushes me...but I dont. Im still very in love with him and desire him. I honestly am npt attracted other men. Its still difficult and I enjoy being with him but knowing hes been girls over 10 years younger with no children when Im old and have had four. I am never complimented or taken anywhere, its almost like I work for him.

Yes Im familiar and like I said Im still attracted to him n cant seem say no. May feel good but dont get much pleasure with thoughts of what Ive seen in my head. Agh.

Melody to answer your question I think I didnt confront him in earlier years because I was very young and in love. Then I was shocked, pregnant and humiliated. His hrs would keep him away all night with sleep during day n few mins before leaving again. I was uncomfortable and then his anger n silent moods would shock me n I didnt know how to handle that, let alone bring up ev else. I hoped he would grow up himself. Hoped I would be better or make him change n coped by pretending affairs didnt exist. Then i confronted about one which he apologized for but wasnt honest n made it appeat I was obsessed with this one thing when just wanted honesty. Hurtful he would go such lengths to protect her n uncaring of my feelings, had he been open I would have dealt with it

I know yet as Ive said he will not admit anything. I am so tired I dont want to tell or prove anything. With him he always wants know how much I know n will admit nothing else. I am feeling done after so many urs. Im tortured all day with these thoughts n really just want out. I dont know how but will get legal advice after holidays

There is nothing we can do to help you if you refuse to help yourself. If you won't do anything about it, that makes you a volunteer, not a victim.

Amen! To put it simple follow the advice it works!

E constantly and once I did turn him down in bed n he forced hoimYes but I still love him and as I said I have hard time saying no to him. Years ago the girl I mentioned that lived here w husband for brief time would try be my friend and would constantly tell me not to have sex with him. Though she was with him I had feel sorry for heras she was driving herself nuts worrying about if we had sex n advising me not too. On other hand encouraging me get pregnant as he told her he didnt want that. She would feed him lies about me n one time I did turn himdown n he said u can be with blank blank but not me n forced himself on me. He never did that again but my point is he has always hadgirls watch me n they would usually lie to him about alot. From before marriage, bachellorette party n on. Thing is he would believe these lies n couldnt really approach me about it but would treat mebadly n our relationshipwould suffer more.

Ive never been good enough. Im too skinny or big, need to tighten up or too pale and on and on. He has called me fat old ugly, not often but i cant forget. He has always called me a whore yet Ive never thought of cheating...never talked to men nothing. Though I once emailed with an ex several times, that was to piss him off n get him to wakeup. I had given him pw n it was immature i shouldnt have.

To answer Melody about y i didnt confront him it was several reasons. One was that I was so young and so in love. When i realized early on i barely saw him n when he was around I was shoked by anger n silent behavior n didnt know how to respond so i just tried to make him happy. I would learn cook things he liked n d
o ev thing i could for his happiness. But i sufferred, over years i have destryed myself n now Im getting better. He thinks that I cant be alone n hes wrong, ive been alone for years.

We will never be able to have what once was. After holidays n daughters bday on 15th jan I will be preparing for divorce. I will not let another yr be stolen n i will not damage myself further, also i will not die heartbroken as his mother did. Her husband didv same to her.

I am looking at attorneys n if we have to sell house so be it. I need to move on.
My daughters will be devastated which is why im waiting. One mentionedcoupleswho renew vows n have second wedding. She thought we should do this n I cant tell her I would never marry her father again, or i couldnt say it to her then. I can now, im prepared to do this as I know its best for them n new baby or not i have too. For this last bit of time n through holidays I am doing what he does, pretending. Pretending we have a relationship...trying to enjoy these weeks despite everything. I will miss him but will not back down. When i leave i will not have contact with him at all

Sorry for reposting info. Difficulties with connection.

I know this is my fault and that I allowed it. I am attempting to recover from this mess and have a plan for future. I am hoping to move by tax time. He made it clear he wont help n has said many times that this is HIS house. He can have it though its harder for me to leave with kids and he has 2 houses. This place has too many memories...from morning to night I'm plagued by thoughts n things I've seen or I know.He typically is in contact w seven women w one long term or seriolus girlfrien. d and it it sometimes lasts few yrs. The last one almost killed me. Certain areas of house really trigger me n its horrible to be uncomfortable in your bed or even car. So I will leave n I font want him to b suspicious or he will