Thanks Scotty! I do have minimal, very business like and brief phone contact. His computer got stolen a month or so ago so emails aren't really an option right now. I did talk to him yesterday about the divorce and the info we still need and he said he's getting it together. We may meet briefly in person to discuss it and complete a marital settlement agreement to get it finalized.I also see him for pick up/ drop offs, but again, brief and businesslike.

So...one other thing. On Friday I was talking with coworkers who were ribbing me about taking adultery so seriously about my history with it (my dad left mom for OW, then both my Hs cheated on me despite me sharing how painful that would be and that I would not tolerate, and both refused NC). On a drive yesterday I was listening to The Secret, about the law of attraction and how we draw to us what we think about the most. I've certainly experienced this in my life and wonder if in some way by being so afraid of adultery ending my marriage, if I did bring it upon me? Along that line...I'm going to try to correct my thoughts in a positive direction instead of negative. It can't hurt to ask for what I really want, instead of obsess over what I fear, right?

Jennifer,

This is what Dr Harley says about the type of people we seek out:

"Just speculating, but people often choose mates that fit their self-concept. �In other words, a person who doesn�t think much of themselves (usually with evidence to support their conclusion), pick someone who is similarly unprepared for making a contribution in life. �When they marry someone who is capable, they feel very uncomfortable around that person, in spite of the care that they provide. �Your wife may have chosen a man who is similarly unprepared for life because she feels comfortable around him. �I recall counseling a woman who was married to a very famous surgeon. �She had an affair with a man who gave blood for a living, and moved into his 17-foot trailer. �He was someone who she could relate to, unlike her very successful husband. �In spite of his willingness to make changes in his career to accommodate her needs, she never felt comfortable around him."

Thanks, JK, that sounds about right. And I've felt for a while that HAM has felt threatened by my career success. He was much more successful when we first met and has been on a long slow decline. I almost wonder if that's part of why he moved back to the city we used to live in, the very neighborhood he was in when we met.

Well, I've started projecting what I want into the world. let's see if I can achieve success on all levels again!

I am struggling a bit with DS, who says he does not want to spend tomorrow night with his dad. I think I'm going to lay it back on HAM...also, there's nothing court ordered at this point.

I thought he was out of state?

He moved to our old city, far across town, but it's where my family lives (I grew up here) so I came back to town for Thanksgiving and offered him a visit.

Where are you in the divorce process?

Jen, you do sound at peace with your decisions and enjoying your new life. How is DS, have you decided on counselling?

Hi Jen! I'm glad things are moving along, and you are starting to heal from all the pain. Good for you.

On your son's visit: I'm wondering how you'd feel about letting your son take the lead on seeing his Dad, rather than forcing him to go? I think helping your son learn to listen to his own feelings and fears might be healing for him. And it's one more opportunity for your soon-to-be-XH to realize that other people have feelings - and they matter. If xH is responsible for being wonderful to his son, he will want to go.

(JMO - I know you know what's best in your situation)

It's been a year since I was on the radio show and a world of improvement. The kids are doing great, we're getting ready for our early Christmas, and child support just got established. My attorney is going to be off my case in the next month, and I feel comfortable handling things myself. work is going well, my career is doing great and makes me quite fulfilled.

I took DS to counseling and it went well, he was more talkative with her than I thought he would be, but she was also letting him direct it pretty well. We'll have another session this week.

I think about how good my life is and just feel pity for HAM and his blindness and his losses. And I feel so good that I have detached from him and no longer consider his chaos at all. I'm feeling whole and happy. I don't even care at this point whether the divorce happens anytime, it child support starts coming that's all I would need. I have almost no contact with HAM, and don't think about him nearly as much as I used to. I still listen to the radio show almost daily and read here daily and post at times...MB is still an essential part of my recovery. Just wanted to share that all is well!

Thanks Jen for the update. Its wonderful to see your strength and growth over the year. I remember when getting into Plan B was a huge hurdle for you.

You're doing so well, friend.

Jen... Wow. I'm happy you are moving forward. Your strength is shining through.

Jen, I am so happy for you. You sound stronger, happier and content with your life.

I'm glad your son is going to counselling and feels comfortable to talk during the sessions.

Made it through the holidays! All my kids were with their dads, which was tough, but Santa came early for us, my mom and sister came here to visit as well, and after I let beautiful children go, I had a wonderful experience of helping out a homeless man. And I had church friends giving me oodles of invites for shopping and dinners, so I've been busy and enjoying some alone time. And I get my boyo back tomorrow night and the girls back Saturday, so only a couple more days! It's not the life I planned, but it is a wonderful life. I am still and always blessed.

So happy for you JV.

You have really made some leaps and bounds from when you first got here.

and to you, friend.

Wonderful post JV, glad you are well, only a year is gone and ten years worth of improvements. WoW!

Just thought I'd give another update....

I joined a new grieving group at my church and have had some good hard things surface...I still struggle with the fantasy of HAM coming back, hat in hand, to make amends to me and the children. Does anyone else still struggle with that? The kids and I were talking yesterday about Mother's Day and Father's Day, and they wanted to know why there was no big sister day, oldest child day, etc. I said because everyone has a mother and father. Dd11 said what about adopted kids? I said they have two! DD8 said I have two of each and I'm not adopted. I said, joking, well, not for long! She looked at me surprised and said what do you mean? I was chagrined and said, well, with the divorces. I'm so amazed that she can even think of HAM as a father in theory...it's been well over a year since he spent ANY time with her. But...he's her dad on the books.

DS just dropped down to preschool and will go back to kindergarten this fall just after his sixth birthday. I think it's a good thing.

My financial ruin is coming, the foreclosure on the vacant home has been filed and I have a credit card past arrangements. I try to be at peace with that. The roof is over our heads, food in the fridge, and that's all we really need.

I try to keep contact with HAM to a minimum. He decided (and told me) he's going to start calling less, as DS is still refusing to talk to him (that's been going on since he got back after Christmas). DS adamently told me the other night that he REALLY loves me, not just pretend loves me, and that the difference is real love is shown through acts of caring and not just saying "I love you." DS may not have been ready to sit at a desk all day, but he's a brilliant, thoughtful little fellow. He's learned a lot of hard lessons through this experience.

It's no wonder that you still have fantasies of HAM coming home, with the continued contact you have with him. If you had ZERO contact, this would diminish over time. Heck, for me, it still pops into my head every once in a while, but I think it is more about the fact that I am not divorced, so for now, my WH is the only viable option for EN meeting. Since I don't have any contact with him, I have fantasies, but I quickly steer my thoughts in other more positive directions, AWAY from my WH.

I'm in a similar boat.
I have a small claims court hearing Tuesday on a credit card debt and have been served with foreclosure complaint.

I also wonder, how to respond if ww comes back.....

JV, I also just noticed that today is the one-year anniversary of the serving of your D papers.

Imagine and look forward to how well you'll be doing next 03 February.

Thanks for noticing that, NG, I think it vibrated through me rather than rose to awareness in me. Anyway, yesterday was a beautiful family day. At this point, HAM would be a stranger missing all the inside jokes we have, the kids and I really know how to enjoy life together.

Scotty, I have very little contact with him, but I did inform him this week of the school change for DS. He probably won't come to town again for a while. He tries when we're talking to steer the conversation a bit, but I keep it matter of fact and ignore the rest. As an example, when he said he was going to call less, I suggested a schedule, and we spoke briefly about when would work. He mentioned he's trying to go to AA meetings daily, and I just ignored it. Did I notice? Yes. But no reaction. But I guess you're right that that is why my lack of plan B is probably hurting me some. I've been thinking about going back to it, if I had a way to handle phone calls with DS I would, but since DS doesn't want to talk to him, it's tough.