Thanks for the feedback, and honestly I dont think he's had/having an affair. So unless he does something way out of the ordinary, I don't see a need to speculate.

My next move is to get the dvd and/or book His Needs/Her Needs. I am going to also chill for a moment and focus on getting in topnotch health. We also are viewing a tape called "Sacred Marriage." I feel that throughout our 3.5 year marriage, we've had a lot of great resources but to no avail. At the end of the day, it's up to the individual to apply the skills he and she has learned. My husband and I are both believers. So its very frustrating that his conscious seems nonexistence in wanting to do better than what's been done. Anyways, just on a soapbox, I guess. It is what it is and I pray that in the end God's perfect will be done. I am going to rest in God and work on me getting healthier (losing weight, eating better, building my business).

I will keep you posted on if he makes a move to help the relationship. I think I need to just stop and see if he will begin to feel more compel to up his game in helping the marriage. I hope to break the onesidedness of the relationship.

Happy Growing Day and Blessed Relationships to All!!!!!

Love is almost just a math question. Time + Emotional needs met - Love busters = Romantic love!
MNG [/quote]

beautiful and well said. I always believe life is so much simpler than we make it

Well done deciding to work on 'you'. That is terrific. By the way, Marriage Builders works best when done alone, not with any other programme because it is very structured.


Stop stop stop. You are going to need to rethink this strategy. You are still trying to change HIM. This is never going to work. You want him to spend more time with you? Make that a more attractive option than his music. Read up on the Policy of Joint Agreement and negotiate like mad. Can you find a way to get involved in his hobbies? How were things when you were dating? Reach back to that time and you will find the silver key.

Thanks Livingwell so much for the positive and informative feedback. Yes, I have to be careful not to slide back into the habit of trying to change him. I will focus on me and doing what's best for me.

May your relationships be enriched greatly!!!! Don't take any for granted!!!

Getting in health is a great idea.
It feels so good to be healthy.
I love to exercise and feel good.
You will feel better too

Hi Godsdaughter.

It sounds like you're on your way. Good for you!

While I agree you can't "change him" one of the things MB has taught me is that you should settle for nothing less than a GREAT marriage - no love busters from him and your emotional needs met. It doesn't sound like he's been meeting your ENs from what your original post said, and I'm glad you're doing the questionnaire. You can - and should - expect a relationship of extraordinary care (as Dr. Harley says on the radio nearly every day).

I'm hoping he will get on board and decide that this time (this is his 2nd go-around, yes?) he will become a caring husband. Dr. Harley says that much depends upon the man - husbands sometimes have a harder time seeing their wives' needs as important. Time will tell, and you're the best judge of whether his changes are real.

Good luck! I'll be cheering for you!

Absolutely Jedi! I've got to do this for me. The depression since I said "I do" took a very negative toll on me. My unhappiness literally showed up in 30 pounds extra. Thanks:)

Zhamila, thanks and these encouraging words were right on time! Yes, I totally agree that I deserve better, and I refuse to settle any longer for less. I'm not expecting perfection, but I do expect him to put forth his best effort! This is both of our 1st marriage, but he had a child in his early twenties. Again, thanks for the encouraging words, I definitely needed to hear them.

Happy, Fruitful Relationships to All!!!

Hello everyone,

I've been focusing on taking better care of me, and I've already started losing weight with a few lifestyle changes like (not eating meals after 7p.m.). As far as my marriage, it seems my husband is making a little more effort than before but it's definitely no where the intensity needed for a great marriage. Last night was a setback, I asked him to review the marriage builder info about our most important needs and undivided attention policy. He asked could we start at 10 p.m. because he was working on music. Mind you, he had time to himself from 6:30-8:45pm when our son and I returned home from my neice's recital. He didn't come down until 10:40p.m. Then as time progressed he had this attitude of wanting to rush through because he has to go to bed. I said to him, didn't you know this before you decided to come down so late in the first place. Why do you think it's right to put your best energy in music first and leave the leftovers for your marriage. We went to bed and I expressed that he had hurt my feelings. He gave an I'm sorry that carried 0 weight (without true conviction.) I slept in another room.

He verbally agreed to do the 15 hours of undivided attention. I know we propbably should start with 20plus, but it seems a challenge to do just the 15. If anyone has done or is doing this, what did your plan flow look like. Here's our plan:
Monday-Friday
from 5:30am-5p.m. (Getting Ready, Work and getting home from work)
5p.m.-5:30pm. His Unwinding time
5:30p.m.-6:30 p.m. Family Time & Dinner
6:30p.m.-8:30p.m. Couple Time
8:30p.m.-10p.m. Free Time (business, hobbies, bathing, etc)

Saturday
3 hours for couple Time

Sunday
2 hours for couple time

Update: I've ordered the book, LOVEBUSTERS, and looking forward to receiving it and to start reading and applying. We also have identify each others #1 emotional needs.

thanks in advance for the wisdom and feedback! Happy Productive, loving relationships to all!

GodsDaughter,

I think you'll do well with the LoveBusters book. One recommendation I would give to you would be to control your responses to his actions. Instead of pointing out what he did wrong it's best just to communicate your pain without trying to educate him. In your example where he left time for him (music) and not you (MB materials). It would probably prove helpful in your marriage if you simply respond with "Ouch. I'm hurt that our marriage and I do not get a lot of your time". Let him know your pain but let him know he'll be the one making the choice to change.

When you do communicate state what you'd like specifically. And try to do this with a positive tone. Not reprimanding but thoughtful requests. �I would love it if we could spend 2 hours each night during the week where we do something together that we both enjoy. I would also love it if we could spend at least 4 hours or more each weekend day doing something together that we both enjoy.�.

Don't make him choose between the music and you. Let him make that choice when he sees the benefit in doing so. Or at least get him to help you brainstorm solutions. POJA.

Great on the steps to improve you!

I'd also agree that the way you went about telling him you were unhappy was full of DJ's. Like Mr. Alias said just tell him simply how it hurt your feelings. The book Lovebusters will be a big help for you learning how to do this and recognizing them.

It is very promising that you both were able to work out a UA schedule! Keep it up!

Thank you. I know this is an area for me to work on and I've been focusing on how to present my needs in a nonjudgemental way and letting it go. I truly appreciate the wisdom.

Thank you for the encouragement! Yep, I definitely have a bad habit of DJs. I received the book today, and already started reading. I believe the Love buster book will help us out tremendously.

Five Steps to Romantic Love is really good also. It has worksheets and questionnaires to help.

thanks. We just finished chapter 1, and we had a good discussion.

I am praying for clarity in my marriage relationship. I sometimes wonder if I will be able to reconcile with my spouse fully. Some memories he gave me has left me not trusting his ability/willingness to love and protect me as I believe a spouse should. It seems I try to get over him "not wholeheartedly disciplining our son when he hit me over 4 years ago," or having to beg him to take me to get my blood pressure check when I thought I may be having a heart attack.

We are reading Lovebusters, and just completed chapter 1. We had a good discussion. The thing is my husband will usually do programs, counseling, etc, but it usually doesn't help for long (if you know what I mean). So apart of me wonders deep down if I should count my losses, thank God I haven't procreated with him, and get going before mediocre/bad turns to bad/worst.

It's not that I don't love my husband. I do love my husband, but I love me too and my unborn child. I had a rough childhood with a neglectful mother and absent father, I don't want to bring a child into a "bad" marriage. To me, it's just not right if I have ways to prevent myself from becoming pregnant in the first place.

In my dreams, I dream of a strong, loving, godly marriage that could be a light and inspiration to others. but in reality, I feel I married a self-loving jerk and even if he changes, I haven't seen enough remorse about previous bad behavior to feel safe to love and grow in this marriage.

I feel "kind of down" and lost right now. I just want to know what's best for me to do and do so. Sometimes, people hurt you so bad that even though they may be totally sorry for what they've done, you don't feel safe enough to continue the relationship.

You are still unable to get over these old incidents because there have not been enough new good memories to override them.



As you have been told here many time, Plan Dream will not get you anywhere. You need Plan Action.


The reason you feel stuck is because you are. You are still lovebusting and trying to change him. How has that worked for you so far?



Either leave the marriage or start working on it. You are in the right place, the roadmap is here.

Why don't you feel safe? Is that his fault or your fault? Dr. Harley doesn't like focusing on the past. It keeps us stuck.

An apology has two parts.
1). Say you are sorry.
2). Communicate the plan to ensure the hurt is never done again.

It's possible the "I'm sorry"s will never come ... but so long as the current plan of actions and future actions show he's changed you should start to feel safe.

Thanks MrAlias for the insight. I read it quite a while back. I just wanted to update that we read about half of the Lovebuster book so far. My husband seems to like the flow and insight. However, his lack of sincerity in his apologies and how he addresses my emotional needs is too much for me to bear. Regretfully, I now know I must move on and forward. I believe God is giving me forgiveness in my heart for the many times I've been mistreated. I did all I could but cant (nor do I want to) make someone love me. My spouse has shown me time and time again that he will not make me or our marriage priority. I finally believe him. Will not be second to any othe person (that goes for parents and child). Thus, will move forward in protecting myself from further emotional harm.

I am thankful for the wonderful forum here that gave me strategy and tools to use to develop healthy relationships or to end bad ones. Thank you

So are you going to file for divorce?