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Please watch this.
Infidelity: What Every Couple Needs to Know

Your going to do the ENQ? thats GREAT! I hope you come back here and tell us how it went? the ENQ was HuGE for my wife and I ... We both realized we were missing the mark .. big time. the LBQ was useful also .. but it did cause us to fight a bit even though we agreed not too .. however that was the early stages of MB for us.

I dont think there is no acceptable alternative to snooping, but I do think its important if one or both spouses are being secretive. It could mean a matter of life or death technically ... what if your hubby was out having an affair and bringing home diseases he and you were unaware of? Or complaining to someone of hte opposite sex all your marital problems (biggest contributer to affairs both EA and PA). I dont rule out snooping becasue of health reasons... I would want to know if my wife was out being an ally cat in heat and draggin home the plague.

We assume the best of our spouses til they give us reasons to think otherwise. In your case .. your feeling otherwise. Snooping can bring a sense of peace ... but if you find something your not happy with it can bring a sense of despair along with it. Its hard to tackle the casuses of withdrawl when one or both spouses are not transparent. Thats like trying to fix a sinking ship .. without the access to the areas where water is being taken in at.

- http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8501_fft.html - What is an affair? (good short read and really makes you think)

-
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_ul.html - whats wrong with unconditional love? (all love has conditions, a great read aswell)

MNG


I snooped on my wife in the beginning of my thread due to suspisions... but i also revealed my snooping. My wife was defensive and dismissive of my concerns for quite a long time. Eventually she accepted that I was snooping and started snooping on me. (which is great Btw, I welcomed it. Infact it made me feel like she actually cared!) She got bored really fast. We have a keylogger on BOTH our PCs now and we keep them there to monitor my childrens internet usage and pick our battles with them carefully. I see stuff i could call my daughter out on .. but most of it is unnecessary .. shes a teenager. Both my wife and I go over logs ... and then descide what to do if anything from that point. My wife also checks on my work PC as I have the keylogger on it also ... so she can check the logs online from any computer. Shes bored of looking at that also... haha.

MNG

Someone who has nothing to hide has no issues with someone snooping, instead they welcome it. But you know better than Dr. Harley. Why don't you email him and ask him?

I'll definitely update, even if I'm talking to myself. Thank you for politely sharing your journey with me, I appreciate that. And excited to be doing the ENQ and see where that leads if all goes well.


I committed to P90X a couple of years ago after our second child and did NOT do the program exactly as outlined. Nonetheless, I was happy with my results then and what I got out of it. I trust the same will happen here if we can commit to doing our best.

Saw that you were raised by a single mom and related that to your and your wife's having a high need for conversation. Same for me here too. That's interesting and something I'd never thought about.

What do you get out of trying to negate someone you don't know in the least? It's beyond me. I respect Dr. Harley, but do not buy anyone's ideas wholesale. I decide what makes intuitive sense and go from there. And I respect the decision you've made for yourself and your family.

We can see the results of that.

Clever

Dr.Harleys stuff is by far the most productive approach to pretty much all marital issues, is it perfect? NO! but darn close. Trust me .. i have spent MANY many many many many many hours wasting time at work researching ways to improve my marriage and myself when it was in a dire condition. (as you can probably tell I am still posting to my thread lol as we all slip up and need to be redirected or 2x4'd to keep us focused on building a happy marriage)

So in my opinion, MB is the top dog of marital programs for restoring love and learning how to understand your partner from a respectful and mutual point of view. We all lack empathy on how we effect others, and alot of marital issues stem from this . MB does its best to create empathy between 2 spouses.

did ya watch that vid?

MNG

edit to add detail

Posting links to other websites is still against our TOS and the link has been removed. This has not changed!

Any questions, shoot me an email.

Yup ... i didnt really realize it myself until this christmas. I easily meet my wifes need for conversation becasue i have a high need for it as well .. but if my wife starts LBing me using conversation (swearing ... mean tones, blaming .. etc) i quickly shut down and get discouraged or occasionally i rise to the occasion and return fire which damages us big time (since my wifes #1 need is conversation and mine is SF) and quickly throws us into withdrawl which leads to lack of UA time .. which leads to lack of SF ... then independant behaviors become priority until one of us wants to draw the other back into conflict to try and resolve the issue. Horrible cycle .. .but we are getting better at not digging the hole so deep anymore and recognize our patterns and try to re program ourselves. Its tough .... but worth it.

Doh! ... sorry about that ... i felt it fit into the situation. My appologies.

Did you see this post and just choose to ignore it?

Why don't you email Dr. Harley and argue with him about his plan?

So why be on MB if you don't agree with the plans? You just want to argue with everyone and talk about how awful your H is.

Why come on here and argue with the plans?

Heh, I know that feeling.

I agree. MB is one of the best programs I have seen too, which is why I keep coming back to the articles. I have taken from it and from other programs to customize it, but just need the guy to really get on board. Mostly, he has been resistant to my approach on this issue because I come at him frustrated and angry when I feel let down after he agrees to something and then backtracks. I'm working on that---->not getting so let down, and angry as a result. Empathy is important, and I'm always open to growing better in that direction too!

Haven't watched the video yet, but I will tonight.

I'm done arguing. What I wanted was an understanding of the spying rationale. Not understanding the reasons for doing it, the motivation behind it, left me confused and ticked off. I got one. Thank you for helping me understand. That's all I needed in regards to that particular issue.

So What do you want/need help with?

Are you saying you refuse to email Dr. H and receive the best advice for free?

At this point, just support and advice in bettering myself and making it easier for my husband to get on board with the core principles behind this program, or, in leaving without regrets if it comes down to that. Is that possible here even if I choose against spying?

I will email the Harley's about their take on alternatives to spying.

MB is a holistic programme, and only works when all parts are used harmoniously. you cannot cherry pick what you "intuitively" like and leave out the rest. but good luck to you.

I've read Love Busters and spying was not mentioned as an intrinsic part of the program. If it had been, I likely wouldn't have read it. Is that new? We read it together a couple of years ago.

lovebusters in only one part of the programme. it depends on where your marriage sits. spying is definitely part of the surviving an affair programme, but i imagine it fits in wherever there is doubt of honesty and transparency.

i'm glad MNG chimed in, because since you first posted, your Hs secrecy and, perhaps, *projection* has been a for me.

you really should write/call the programme and get it straight from the horse's mouth.