Hummingbird, hopefully no news is good news. Hope the hunting and the office are both going well for you this week. How is the reading going?<P>Tomorrow I'm leaving for the weekend, so I was just checking up on everyone here today.<P>Have a good weekend!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Just me, bringing this to the top...OK Hummingbird, don't make us worry!

Hi FHL,<P>Thank you so much for thinking of me . This week has been so crazy at work and I'm really feeling exhausted just from everything. <P>Things at home are holding their own. I'm trying, my husband is trying. I had a setback with the OM again earlier this week, he started again with puppy eyes, and stuff and sent me an email on Monday saying how much he was struggling, missed me, thought of all the time, he's so unhappy at home, but he just can't leave his son, blah, blah. It's just the same thing over & over again with him, a vicious circle and I'm really tired of it. He'll never leave his wife and I'll have to hear forever how much he loves me and is so unhappy but can't leave. He also wanted to make sure I knew that he really did love me, he's true love, doesn't want me to think otherwise and never intentionally meant to hurt me. He just wants to keep me dangling just in case things don't work out at home and that's not fair to me and his wife. I truly feel he doesn't want me to get over him. Why did I waste my energy and so much of my time on a man who lies to me and his wife. <P>My husband is really trying and this week he bought me a surprise gift, a beautiful necklace, and a very sweet card called "I haven't told you lately how much I love you". We both took the day off yesterday (we both needed a mental health day) and went to lunch and out for dinner and had a really nice evening by the fireplace. I keep saying to myself what you advised "will this honor my marriage". I wrote out all my values and will try to honor them. <P>Sometimes I feel if the OM wasn't in my STUPID head, I'd be happy. But I still don't feel in-love with my husband but I know it's too soon. Afterall, it did take a long time to break things down. Love is a choice and I just keep telling myself I'm choosing to love and honor my husband and I'm praying my heart will open up to him again. My heart was so consumed by the OM for so long, there was a point where I wasn't sure what was left for my husband. <P>I still feel the OM has alot of power of over me and it's scary, I want to be strong but somedays are just so hard. I keep thinking the future will be brighter and as soon as I can get over the OM the sooner I'll be on the road to being happy again.<P><BR>P.S. My husband actually loved the bookstore <p>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited November 04, 1999).]

Hummingbird, I will be gone until Monday. I was getting worried.<P>If you compare yourself to your first posts, you'll see a world of difference. I think you are doing great, all things considered. You are seeing the OM for what he is, however painful that is. You are working on your marriage and you realize this will all take time.<P>I am humbled that I said anything that made an impact.<P>We all need to choose our words, thoughts and actions according to what honors our marriage.<P>Have a great weekend.<P>PS...Glad he liked the bookstore <P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hey, Hum, I'm glad you posted and that you're doing so well!<P>I'm also glad you're beginning to see what a manipulative jerk your OM is. I have to tell you, I feel sorry for his wife. Imagine; poor thing probably doesn't know that her H is doing puppy eyes with you and trying to keep you on the string just in case.<P>Wow: Read this from your post again:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He just wants to keep me dangling just in case things don't work out at home and<BR> that's not fair to me and his wife. I truly feel he doesn't want me to get over him. Why<BR> did I waste my energy and so much of my time on a man who lies to me and his wife. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Love that word "just"!! <P>I think you're beginning to separate out his words from his actions and recognize that talk is cheap.<P>And look what a difference YOUR behavior and the fact that YOU'RE focusing on the marriage has made in your H! My H never buys me something "just because" and gives me cards like that. Your H is less emotionally stunted than you think. He knows something's been wrong and he also knows that you're doing something about it. You two are doing a lot of nonverbal communication, and it's WONDERFUL! I'm not 100% convinced that utter honesty is always best when it's brutal. Others here will disagree, but if you're committed to working on your marriage and the marriage gets better, I'm not convinced you ever have to tell, given how fragile your H is emotionally.<P>Your H is volatile, that's for sure. He's insecure and possessive, but if he has no reason to be insecure, he doesn't fly off the handle.<P>You're doing great! Don't be a stranger; remember, your journey has just started.<P>As for me, things are OK at home. 2 months in a row with no calls to PSBFH from home. Of course, if he calls her from work there's nothing I can do. H has been leaving for work very early in the AM, and is totally shot by the end of the day. I'm a bit lonely. He's asleep by 8:30, and I just can't go to bed that early. But the weekend is coming, and hopefully we can have some quality time. I'm trying to make dinner every night; something special I can do for him (and be sure he EATS).<P>He needs a vacation desperately...and so do I. Only 5 more weeks....

Hum,<P>This is all great news!!<P>The OM knows which buttons to push, and boy, is he pounding on them to get your attention. I know AAAALLLLL about that. I have to say that my illness has been very handy in keeping me out of the office and AWAY from the puppy dog eyes I see on a daily basis. I can almost hardly wait to go back to work and say that my H isn't leaving, just to show the OM I mean business. I just CAN'T have ANY stress, so that's also gonna be helpful. If I see the puppy dog eyes, I can say, "look, OM, don't give me those eyes or any other thing because it causes me stress and can KILL me"... <P>Sometimes things happen for a reason, you know? Take care of your OM now, before you end up in desperate physical pain, like me. I'm not trying to scare you, I'm seriously saying that you can't go on for months like this: I KNOW Eventually, your body gets in the picture and finds all sorts of ways to get your attention!<P>Take care, Hum... Big Hugs <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

OK, almost out the door for weekend.<P>Just wanted to say Dazed is right. By the way, my H has never given me a card "just because", actually I'm lucky to get a card or two a year. Birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, etc....usually no card, present or flowers. He is just not that type. He's not stingy, really, just thinks these things are silly. I'm sloppy of giving him stuff too, but wouldn't be of course if he showed an interest in them.<P>You are right about OM in your head and how it is a barrier for those loving feelings with H. A new job would be perfect, but with your mindset, time will help, too. I think one day those loving feelings will sneek up on you.<P>Have a great weekend!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I truly feel I have everyone here to thank for my progress so far.<P>I have learned so much and am still learning everyday. I spent so much time fighting for the OM, I was fighting myself (I just didn't want to let go), fighting for him (trying to convince him and myself we were meant to be) and all I got in return was emptiness, hurt, pain, guilt, and saddness. <P>It's been almost 12 weeks since this whole mess started, my body has paid a price, even my periods (sorry for the men reading) are all screwed up (28 days to 24! yikes)! My husband finally noticed my weight by saying "Hey what are you going for the waife look or what?"<P>Enough is enough and I guess it took me this long to realize my husband loves me more than the OM. Would my OM of stood by me for 2 years of being emotionally gone, being critized for every detail, being put down, never given encouragement, and just being treated like ****? I know I can say well this never would of happened if things were right in the first place but no marriage is perfect, my OM has his faults too and I'm just as much to blame for everything as husband. I always thought I was the giver in my relationship, I always gave and gave, I was so blind, my husband gave me so much was I wasn't giving an ounce of love in return, I just didn't see it. In 14 years, would I be in the same boat with my OM? Would he cheat on me, call me a ***** and complain about me to another OW? It's hard to think he would and I guess I'll never know. <P>It is so much more fulfulling inside to give to my husband and see something in return. My husband deserves my love, my faithfullness, my attention, my commitment and my love. For a long time, I didn't feel he deserved it, my OM deserved everything I had, and all I got in return was empty promises, meaningless words, lies, confusion, hurt and a kick in the face.<P>I'm trying to forgive myself, it's really hard, I know I'll never be the same. I'm trying to think what good can come out of what has happened to me? Is there any good at all? I see this:<P>I'm growing as a person<P>I'm learning how to communicate with my husband<P>I'm understanding how a marriage needs constant attention and can't be taken for granted<P>I'm learning what love is really all about, <P>I'm going to try and deal with my problems head on instead of running away,<P>I'm understanding that while it's so wonderful to have romance, it just can't be expected in every day life and are just unrealistic. Besides if they were everyday, it wouldn't be as special, and it doesn't have to be a grand gesture, sometimes an unexpected hug or kiss means so much. <P>I'm going to counseling and seeking help for my marriage which I probably wouldn't of done.<P>Of course, if I could of learned all this without having an affair, it would be my wish. I wish I could erase the affair, I wish I would of had the insight of all the tremendous hurt and pain of it. <P>I had this tunnel vision for so long that the only way I'd ever find happiness is with the OM, I realize now the only way I'll ever find true peace and happiness is putting him behind me and moving on. While the affair I guess did open my eyes to things, any further influence from the OM on my life will only cause me further harm. He is completely destructive to my well being and future healing. <P>While I feel sorry for him, I have look out for myself, I have to protect myself from him for my sake and my marriage. I have to take a real defense mode against him, I'm going to try and put up walls he's not familiar with, walls that are made up with honesty, honor, commitment, and love for my husband. <P>Thanks again everyone

Hi, Hum!<P>I was so happy to read your last post. You're coming right along, girl!<P>A couple of things I want to tell you (as one who has been there, done that, has a drawer-full of t-shirts...):<P>1. You will get over the OM. He will stop having power over you. You are addicted to the feelings the *affair* with him gave you... not to him.<P>2. You will forgive yourself. Over time. I promise.<P>3. A LOT of good things will come out of this, and many of them you already seem to have grasped: you will grow as a person; you will be amazed and PROUD at what a strong person you have become; you will value your marriage like never before after hurting for it and fighting for it and nurturing it - it will seem invincible after this; you will have learned to recognize and delight in your H's own special, individual ways of showing you that you are important to him (& a coffee date, b&b weekend, and necklace aint too shabby!); you will find joy in finding *your* own ways of loving him...<P>...I could go on & on... and it seems odd (and to some people, wrong) to have so many positive things to say about the outcome of an affair... but the fact is that an affair is a wake-up call to the partners in a marriage. And if used as a catalyst for growth, and maturing, and building... well, the sky's the limit.<P>Keep living by your values, Hum... it is great advice from FHL... a person literally *can't* go wrong when they are purposefully doing that. <P>Try not to feel too bad for OM - he has his own choices to make, and you cannot feel responsible for his lack of effort in making them... just remember your only obligation here is to your marriage. You may have to tell him to 'bug off' & quit mooning around you. I know how hard that is - it feels good - but you're hindering your own purpose and inflicting pointless hurt on yourself (take it from a master - this is pearls of wisdom it took ME *years* to figure out on my own! ). <P>I do see a lot of myself in you Hum... guess that's why I really want to help you avoid all the self-sabotage and pitfalls & pain I put myself through. You are *on the right track*. And I can PROMISE you if you stay on it, the rest of the pieces will fall into place - you will be free of all the pain & uncertainty the affair has caused, you will have a strong, vibrant marriage to a man you adore, and you will feel like you can handle anything that life throws your way - you will know you are a *survivor*.<P>As George Bush (The Elder ) once said: "Stay The Course". hey! Does that make all of us here at MB A Thousand Points of Light?? <P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Hum:<P>I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! <P>You are a local gal, "paisan", as it were. As Neve Campbell says at the end of "54" (a laughably bad flick, BTW): "Hey! We're Jersey!"<P>Read this again:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I always thought I was the giver in my<BR> relationship, I always gave and gave, I was so blind, my husband gave me so much was I wasn't giving an ounce of love in return, I just didn't see it. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Amen, amen, amen.<P>Words to live by.<P>Sometimes some of us who think we're givers may give a lot of SOMETHING, but it's the WRONG THING. It doesn't matter what we THINK we're giving, it's what our spouse PERCEIVES. If you're giving a, b, and c, and what your spouse needs is x, y, and z, it doesn't work.<P>I thought what my spouse needed was financial support, housework, stability. What he needed was affection. Tons of it. He needs someone to tell him he's wonderful.<P>Hum, you're doing great. You have a long road to go, but I think maybe you've biked up the hill, the sweat is as bad as it's likely to get, and you've built up some muscle. <P>Go back and read your earlier posts. Then re-read this one. Then give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve it.<P>Your biggest challenge right now is going to be forgiving yourself. But you can do it.

Hummingbird,<P>Congratulations!!!! It sounds as if you have turned the corner. Keep going, you and your H have a great future.<P>God Bless You and Your H

Hum,<P>I look at this rebuilding process like stones in a walkway, going up to your front door. <P>This last post put 20 stones in the walk. Yes, there's still some to go before you can walk in the door, but you're so much closer than when you began. I've been building that same walkway to my door, and I'm at about the same spot you are. Yeah, we have different ways of getting there - but we're getting there, right?<P>Now, I want you to go buy your H something, just because. Present it to him this weekend. Just a thought! <P>Hugs! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Hi Hum,<P>Just wanted to give you some hope for the future that you can get over the OM and you can regain feelings for your husband again. I can't believe I'm actually saying it myself...I thought I never could.<P>I tried to write my OM a letter last night. (I wasn't planning on sending it or anything...I just wanted to sort out my feelings) I wanted to tell him that I wished things could have turned out differently and how sad it was that it had to be over between us. I started the letter about a dozen times and realized that I had NOTHING to say to the guy. I took this as a good sign...I guess my heart just isn't in it anymore.<P>The thing that's so confusing to me is that I still think about him all the time. I believed that I must still love him if I'm thinking about him so much. I can't quite figure out why...because when I think about him it's not even about anything in particular...it's basically just the thought of him running through my mind.<P>For so long this whole obsession has taken all the passion I have. I've been shutting out the rest of the world...I feel like I've been living in a black hole. I'm starting to realize that there's a whole world out there that's more interesting than my obsession with something that will never be. (The incident that happened with my email account at work got me thinking that I've really got to start finding passion for my work again...I used to find it exciting, lately it's just just been a burden.)<P>Everytime I say to myself that I'm really ready to move on something inside me happens and all of a sudden I'm down in the dumps again. But, this time I really feel that there's nothing left in me for the OM. I really feel ready to rebuild with my husband. It's been happening gradually and, as you know, things are really improving. He's been away on vacation with some friends and won't be back until Sunday...I'm really looking forward to seeing him again.<P>The only saddness I have left about this whole incident is...well, nothing really. I think part of me is holding on to something, anything...whether it's saddness or happiness or anything. But, there's nothing...it's bittersweet.<P>Sorry to go on about myself...just wanted to give you some hope.<P>I know you will find what you are looking for. You thought you could only find that in the OM...but, I have faith that you can reconnect with your husband again and find that love you've been searching for.

I wish I could personally hug and kiss all of you <P>Suse: I keep telling myself I will get over the OM, I can't wait for the day!! I can't wait to wake up one day and truly feel he's out of my heart. I have never felt such an addiction in my life, this is truly the biggest struggle of my life. Forgiving myself is really hard, alot of the time I still feel I don't deserve it, hopefully I can make it up somehow in my future. I long so badly to have that security inside thta when I'm with my husband I know my heart and soul are with him as well. I'm praying with all the right nurturing it will come. Even though the OM has caused so much hurt, I feel compassion for him, at times I feel the urge to tell him to go the bookstore and read some books that could help, but I realize with this will come more and more conversations and it will never end, he'll have to work it out on his own. I can't wait to be free and truly be strong again!<P>Dazed: Thanks so much for all the encouragement Big hug to you paisan! Your so right about my perception of things, my mindset has truly changed and things are really feeling better because of it. Even if my husband can't change certain things, I'm realizing that maybe he doesn't have to, and I'll be OK with it. So what if he's not articulate in his writings of undying love to me, he's proven to me that he loves me and he always has loved me with all my imperfections, I can cherish all the cards he ever got me signed with only his signature with- Love always and you know what I know he always will.<P>NB: I pray for a short walkway!! and for you too! Somedays it feels like it's a real long winding walkway but we'll get there We're both going to have some real colorful walkways anyway! My husband actually called about that 4 wheeler again! God, I laughed, I think I might cave. It's expensive but you only live once and I know it will bring him lots of enjoyment. <P>Holly: I understand what you mean. There is nothing else to say, nothing else to discuss and it's a good sign when your heart isn't in it anymore! I feel like I'm getting there too, it's just not worth it, why? There's history, in our past, it's time for us to move on, close the door to them forever. I still think of the OM too and it's very frustrating, in dreams (getting better) and I sometimes put him in events in my life, like at a party picturing him there, I think it's just part of the withdrawal, eventually Holly, they'll leave our minds. They really were our obsession, addiction for a long time and our sole source of happiness. We can find that happiness at home and slowly we will regain control of our lives again, I know it! Just imagine if we put all that passion into taking control again, what we could accomplish, especially when it will inturn give us a wonderful feeling of peace and inner satisfaction. I haven't felt peace in so long, my insides have been all screwed up for too long, we both deserve better and we both have a wonderful future instore for us, I know it.<P>I was struggling for so long for a sense of closure, I was looking for it from the OM and I realized this week that I needed to find that in myself. I guess I just needed to beat myself up some before I could feel ready to move forward, I think I'm ready now but I know there will days that I'll feel sad again but hopefully they'll start to diminish. <P>Thanks for your hope and faith in me Holly, it means alot and I truly pray both of reconnect with our husbands.<P>

Holly, Hum (& all)<P>I have SO much sympathy for you ladies - I really went through it all too, and it was long & hard & awful. But I'll keep telling you *it passes*, and that you are both doing the right things. <P>Holly, what you said about realizing that you were living in a black hole & ignoring the whole world is so true - this type of affair sucks the life right out of you & leaves *nothing* for anything else... including you. This is not what love is all about. This is not a balanced life, lived in accordance with your values... I keep coming back to that (thanks, FHL!) because it's so true & so important... Just keep remembering, ladies, right now you are *addicts*, as much as anyone who is hooked on drugs or alcohol or gambling. It helps, when you are trying to just keep putting one foot in front of the other.<P>For what it's worth, I dreamed about my OM for a very long time - woke up with what I called "dream hangover" - very melancholy & feeling set back to square one... but gradually the dreams diminished, as did their impact when I did have them. (I DO still occassionally get "whiplash" when I see someone who reminds me of him - it's like a knee-jerk reflex! Guess it's just so deeply hard-wired...LOL Dunc is still doing this too... one of the parents at my son's school looks like 'her'... oh, well, I guess what goes around, comes around!)<P>Hang in there, gals; I think you're doing great. Lots to think about these days, huh?<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Suse--<P>I know what you mean about seeing someone who reminds you of the OM. I was at the gym last night and there was a guy on the weight machines who looked very similar to the OM...I couldn't stop staring...the guy must have thought I was psycho or something. But, it kind of made me realize that alot of what I missed about the OM was his nice body! (God, I hope the OM isn't reading this...he used to read my posts. Talk about an ego boost!)

Holly,<P>Just a question... why in the world did you give the OM this site? I'd DIE a thousand deaths if the OM read my stuff here... and I also understand what you and Suse are saying. The OM in my case has very long hair. Every dark exotic man with a pony tail reminds me of OM... geez, will it EVER go away? I sure hope so!<P>Then again, every tall gorgeous full-lipped man reminds me of my H Move over Kevin Costner, Michael Keaton and Nicolas Cage, you got nothin' on my man!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

New_beginning -<P>I told the OM about this site a long time ago...when I first starting posting. I told him there was this great site that discussed what we were going through. I told him you could email people in the same situation and they actually emailed you back.<P>I didn't tell him my user name and didn't really get into detail at all...I had only posted a couple of times when I told him about it. Anyway, I spoke to him a couple of weeks after I told him about the site and he said, "I've been reading quite alot about you lately HOLLY!" I was very shocked, really didn't think he cared enough to bother and didn't think he would take the time to figure out my user name...which is the name of my new dog...that I only told himm about once. Honestly, I never thought he would find out.<P>Yeah, I really felt kind of violated. I was angry that he knew my most private thoughts about him...yet, I didn't know anything he was thinking. At the same time, I was kind of flattered that he cared enough to read. Looking back, that was one of the things that kept me hanging onto him so badly. I felt, he cared enough to read he must really love me...I'm going to keep fighting for him.<P>My OM looks kind of like Hugh Grant...I saw Knotting Hill and it was pure torture!<P>However, my husband is much cuter!