Hi, I have been reading everything on this site and it has been so helpful, but I'm really struggling with telling the truth.

My husband and I separated 2 years ago and I moved in with my lover, he had discovered our affair but not how long it had been going on or that I went to live with him, over last 6 months we have been talking about trying again as I still have feeling for him and he for me. I came clean I had been seeing my lover when I said I hadn't, but didn't tell him everything.

In addition to the affair that led to us separating 2 years ago, I had been seeing the same person for 18 months before that, and then it ended, before we started seeing each other again a year before leaving my husband. I also got pregnant with my lover but had a miscarriage, my husband and I had 9 failed IVF treatments.

A huge part of me thinks I need to confess everything, and a big part not, what good would it do, how my h hurt would it cause and for what benefit. But I know with out truth everything else is a lie. A huge part of me is hidden and just eats away.

Is that my punishment for being unfaithful, to have the truth eat away at me, or do I come clean and risk it all. The fact there may ver y,I've,y be no forgiveness.

Please any guidance you can give

Are you married? And if so, how long married?

Are you married? And if so, how long married?

...husband and I separated 2 years ago and I moved in with my lover,

Apparently, she remains married to BH while cohabitating and conceiving children with POSOM.

Back to you, Tex.....

I've been married for 9 years, I started an affair my husband knew nothing about after 2 years married, which continued for 18 months. We stopped the affair to work on our marriages, 3 years later we started the affair again and he left his wife and I left my husband. He knew about the affair but I never admitted I left to be with him. We are now trying to see if we can make it work again.

Ahhh, so after cohabitating with

You use of pronouns leaves us dazzled.

Is this close to what you're trying to say:

I've been married for 9 years, I started an affair my husband knew nothing about after 2 years married, which continued for 18 months. POSOM and I stopped the affair to work on our marriages, 3 years later we started the affair again and POSOM left his wife and I left my husband. Husband knew about the (first? second?) affair but I never admitted I left to be with POSOM. Husband and I are now trying to see if we can make it work again.

Your summary is correct, my husband only know about the 2nd affair. I don't know the term POSOM but assume you mean the person I had the affair with?

Am a posting in the correct place, I'm new here but learned so much from the site that's helping me.

Here.
Acroynoms and Abbreviations

What just compensation have you given your BH?

Have you written a NC letter?

What EPs have you put in place? What boundaries?

Who is your OM?

Who all knows about Your affair?

I would certainly tell your husband the full truth. He cannot make sound decisions about his marriage if he does not have the full truth. He may decide it is in his best interest to leave the marriage and that is his right. If you don't tell him, he may take you back based on deceptive information. That is very manipulative and cruel.

You have a long, long history of deception and honesty is the first step if you want to change those bad habits. Honesty is the solution to adultery, not more lies and deceit.

POSOM stands for "piece of shytt other man."

I think your husband would be wise to move onto better prospects. You don't have any children and he would be stuck with someone who cheats as a way of life. yuck.. I don't see how he stands to benefit from such a poor choice for a spouse. Certainly he can do so much better. Not to be harsh, but certainly you understand that you are very damaged goods?

What would be his benefit in staying in such a damaged, negative marriage?

Your husband may choose to make this work, but he MUST do so based on truthful information.

Otherwise it will just leak and leak and leak. Things don't add up and the truth always comes out.

He clearly loves you beyond reason. Help him out by giving him the truth.

YES it will hurt. But its one clean sweep instead of years of painful discoveries.

You OWE him. And if he chooses not to recover - that is his right.

i'm so glad you wrote this, ukkat, because it demonstrates why NO CONTACT FOR LIFE is so important as an EP!

ukkat, i'm wondering why you've decided to leave OM at this time? or he decided to leave you? does OM have children with his BW?

Cheap shooting? Take the high road. And if you were able to understand what UKK said I am sure Melodylane is smart enough to translate English into American on her own. And Melody's question had nothing to do with your answer.

UKK, you definitely should tell your BH the truth.

What does your BH's life look like now? Has he moved on to someone else? Around here, we don't believe in dating while still married, as that would be adultery, but the reality is that in today's society, many people don't hold fast to those same standards.

Cheap shooting? Take the high road.

Always amusing to hear from you, TR, although I will admit that the murky nature of the first post in this thread had me looking for ANY road, almost leading to a suspicion that the obfuscation was intentional.

Was my second post more to your liking?

Anyway, UKK, your betrayals to date are not likely to be easily forgiven by your BH, but that has to be his fully-informed choice.

I hope I didn't miss a good cheap shot, but I didn't view NG's comment as a cheap shot. He might have thought I missed her comment about the "husband," but I didn't. People who are shacking up will routinely call their BF/GF a "husband" or "wife" in order to gloss over the fact they are not married. Most people who are married will say outright "we have been married for XX years." So when someone doesn't say that, I always ask if they are married just to be sure.

Thank you Indie Girl and others.

My husband isn't with anyone else he has been trying to get me to come back to him and to save our marriage. The man I left him for does have children and he hasn't left me, but its not the life I imagined and he is not as nice a man as my husband and I bitterly regret leaving my husband and not having the strength at the time to work it through. I asked my husband could we try again, initially he said no, but now he wants to.

I know I'm messed up and I have got everything spectacularly wrong, I know in my heart he won't forgive me and I know I probably don't deserve his forgiveness. I have lied and cheated but if I don't come clean with someone even if its only my god and ask for forgiveness it will just eat away. Truth has to be best doesn't it regardless of the consequences?

The person you have to come clean with is your husband, of course. You can't very well ask God for forgiveness with a lie on your lips. If you don't tell your husband the truth that will be direct evidence that you are not repentant and in that case, you are not a safe person. The truth is the only way to resolve this.

Rather than asking your husband for forgivness, I would offer him just compensation. That means telling him the truth, affair proofing your marriage by promising to never ever be in contact with the OM again, and working to create a romantic, integrated marriage. Go to him with a workable plan that ensures his protection in the future. Otherwise, he shouldn't even consider taking you back.


Have you left him yet? Do you understand that any man who would have an affair with a married woman is not a decent man? Only a scumbag would do that.

Kat, my wife had an affair, which I discovered. She spent the next 18 months lying and attempting to hide the length and depth of her affair.

Truth has a way of coming out. It will happen to you just as it did my wife.

The realization that my wife was willing to reconcile with me, sleep in my bed, and resume her life with me while covering up the truth about her relationship with another man was far and away more hurtful and damaging than the affair itself -- by an order of magnitude.

By trying to avoid consequences you're going to compound them very badly.

Tell your husband and OM's wife the truth. Do it now.

I haven't seen it recommended yet, but you should get the book Surviving an Affair.