They broke up?

How is exposure supposed to feel afterwards? WH says it hasn't changed his mind at all, I asked if his mind was made up. He said no, but the exposure won't change his mind once he is able to figure out what he wants. He still has access to the same email accounts and Skype accounts and Xbox accounts. And when he went out bowling with his buddy last night, the buddy who had seen the exposure letter, they talked about it. My husband said he told him the whole story, because the email hadn't really painted the enitre picture, with details. My husband said this without shame, as though explaining the whole story to his buddy kind of negated the effects of the exposure. And he said his buddy wasn't judgemental and wished us both the best in our struggle. No one else, that I know of, has talked to him. Though 3 or 4 of the people who received the message called or contacted me in some way to say they are here for me, and tell me to consider a backup plan for when/if he leaves...

Is this how exposure is supposed to be? People tiptoeing, not being judgemental and just kind of... letting him feel like it's ok? He seemed so nonchalant about telling his buddy "the whole story"...

It happens. And sometimes there are people who won't do anything.

But they're going to be watched now. EVERYONE will know that she is the tramp that is trying to break up a marriage.

It is supposed to feel (for you) that you are no longer an enabler.

Your husband clearly enjoys the company of waywards. People who pat a man on the back when he has abused his wife and family in the worst way is nothing to be proud of ... just the mere thought that he is out without his wife after he has done the most cruel and abusive thing on the planet tells me you may need some help in shoring up your Plan.

It is my understanding you are trying to Plan A. I would advise you Miss Patient that now is the time to get yourself into the most airtight Plan B on the planet. You should vanish off the face of his world. When and

I am in the same situation (sort of) as loveispatient. My husband is friends with the OW's brother. And he has no plans on dropping "his only two friends". He is very uncomfortable in our house because he knows that our neighbors are "watching" him and he doesn't speak to his parents because "they are on my side".

The only thing that I have seen from exposure is that it's pushing him into the the arms of the OW.

So he had an affair because you exposed..........his affair? Wasn't he already having an affair?

The truth is that exposure can't "push" a WS into the arms of an OP, but it CAN sometimes kill an affair. Wild horses would not force a WS into an affair against his will.

CnAmry, I can see why your trickle exposure didn't work. It is because a) it was a trickle exposure and b) your husband knows you aren't serious. How can he take you seriously when you are not serious? He knows you will do anything and tolerate any abuse just to keep him around.

Anyone can read your thread and see how true the title of this thread is...

Nuclear exposure killed my H's affair DEAD almost immediately after a 10-month false recovery. Smallish, trickle exposure (before I knew about MB) did nothing to stop it the first time.

How I wish I had known about MB when on my first D-Day, it would have saved us a lot of heartache, pain and frustration.

So then the next time he threatens to leave, just let him go? What if he moves in with her? Wouldn't that make the affair stronger and weaken my marriage?

It seems like he's blaming me for everything. The stress he's under, the "eyes" watching his every move. He said that its because of me that he doesn't even want to come home from work. Is this because of his guilt?

Yep. I'd even hold the door open.

Canry, I would not wait at all. I would pack his bags and kick him out now. You should be in Plan B. what he does afterwards is not in your control.

And this will bring him back to me? By kicking him out?

What if I left with the boys to visit my sister in CA? Leaving him alone in our home. To remind him of what he will be missing.

I want him to feel the stress and face his EA/A once and for all. He is adamant about his EA/A being just a "friendship". I'd hate for it to become more. I'd really hate for him to leave me for her. I am 100% completely in love with him.

I am soooooo scared!!!! The fear is kicking my strength down and I don't know how to rise above it. It's crippling.

Camry, you can't force your husband back, but you can stop enabling him by allowing him to abuse you. He won't take you seriously until you get serious. You have no control over your husband.

I completely understand that. And I know that I keep making excuses. And now, I have to give him the ultimatum.

I'm just so afraid that he will run straight to the OW and never come back.

Has anyone ever done this and failed? That's my biggest worry, that it'll fail and I'll loose him. But I guess if I really take a step back and look at it, I've already lost him.

OMG, I've really lost him, haven't I?

Read others threads. If you keep enabling him you will fail.

You have already lost him. Now you have to protect yourself from losing yourself. Get him out of your life. You have no control over him and he is dangerous to your mental health.

I will also tell you that you push him away by competing for him. That is a turn off to men. Dr Harley recommends that women don't do this. By competing with the skankho for your husband, you wear down your mental health. You are ALL your kids have, my friend. GEt him out. Change the locks and tell him to hit the road.

He moved out.

I exposed to my and ws family immediately, as well as to the company both ws and op worked at. My family and most friends are highly supportive of me. But, with the exception of a couple of my neices, not a single one feels like interfearing as they are worried about looseing his friendship! I will say a couple friends attempted to contact him in various ways but re would not respond.
His family felt bad for me but would not pick sides and want to back whatever he does!
My dd and ds have been through this before and are adults now and have both made it clear that they will not pick sides as they love us both.
His employer expressed sympathy to me and offered any assistance (empty promises actually). They commented that because the remoteness of the job location affairs are very common and much as they go against the company code of conduct they can do very little. They did however write each up on conduct complaints and told their employmeny may be at risk, but nothing further happened there.
The immediate coworkers do not know me as a person because they are not close enough to see us as a family....just a name, they all see my ws and ow as having a great relationship.....warped I know!
After a few weeks of looking I finally found the other bs, he had discovered the affair and made her leave and has filed for divorce with no interest in seeing her again.....guess where she is, now playing house with my ws in the condo he rented for when he is away from home for two weeks at a time.
In my case exposure has not been highly effective that I can tell except ws gas made it clear he is not happy About my talking about him and threatened a restrain order, I said tough, I'm speaking truth not lies....and have made no effort to contact him so he cannot say I have harassed him!

CN, I am so sorry.

Just keep in mind, he did not leave because of you, no matter what he says. Don't buy into his fogbabble. He left because he wanted to and nothing you did or did not do could have changed this.

What you can do now is to take care of you. What goals have you had for yourself that you haven't attended to lately? Get a pedicure, join a health club, go back to school, whatever makes you feel healthy, empowered, and cared for.

In addition, if you haven't already, contact a lawyer and make a legal separation agreement. He is still responsible for house and car payments, child support, etc. A lawyer can help you figure this out. One additional benefit is that he will have to face how much this affair is going to cost him financially, and it may (no guarantees!), but may help burst the fantasy bubble world he is living in right now.

((hugs))