I told him it was disrespectful to me, and I said I don't want to talk about the situation but I deserve to be respected in my own house, I said are you ok with this? He said it doesn't matter. I asked, respecting me doesn't matter? He said, I don't know. Yes it matters.... So... I dunno. I feel like this standing up for myself is pushing him away

While he is at work sell it if he doesn't agree to stop plain and simple. Your trying to kill the affair. Did you read up on Plan A? Carrot and stick and getting rid of the Xbox is the stick. Supplement the Xbox time for family time.

He is already pushed away. He is having an affair.

What is the alternative? Let him have time away from you? Let him play Xbox, go out with buddies, give him more space and time to contact the OW and even more opportunity for their bond to grow??. That's not plan A that's plan Doormat, plan A is not Plan doormat.

There is a lot you can do in plan A that does not involve letting a foggy wayward trample all over you here are some examples.

Take care of yourself, look good smell nice and have a cheery disposition around him.
Take care of the home and the kids.
Cook his favourite meals for him.
Watch his favourite shows with him.
Take him out on a date night to a place and activity he likes.
Play the Xbox with him.

You should only do things that are 100% beneficial for BOTH spouses and the marriage, him going out with buddies and playing Xbox in the basement are not beneficial for you in this marriage and therefore are not plan A.

That is true, I never thought of it that way. He keeps saying it has nothing to do with her. If I do leave you it will have nothing to do with her, I guess meaning it has everything to do with me and with him, alone... Kind of makes me second guess this whole "infidelity" issue. I mean, I know he has been unfaithful, but he keeps talking as though that is not the root of the issue, not what we should be focusing on. I would love not to focus on it... but he needs to cut all access for that to happen...

I guess I never thought he could ever just be so cold... so very cold.

We woke up this morning and both our little girls were in bed with us. He discovered that our now 7 month old has broken his first tooth in, it was a happy family moment. Our 3 year old clapping and cheering that her sister got a tooth, Daddy saying ouch while she bit her with it and me smiling happily, dreading having to nurse her in a couple minutes... I just don't know how he could even be contemplating leaving that scene. And just last night he lay down in bed with our 3 year old to help her fall asleep, and I couldn't help but think, if you leave, if you refuse to cut all access with OW, you do realize this, comfortable happy Daddy time will be gone. Of course I am not saying these things, because they may come out as an angry outburst or selfish... but they make my resolve to let go that much more difficult.

I am still resolved, and I am still strong though.

No. That is not a selfish demand. A separate lifestyle created the conditions that made his affair possible.
Specifically the X Box made his affair possible.
Dr Harley says to remove all conditions that made the affair possible. If he agrees to end his affair and recover your marriage then he must never play xbox alone again

It has everything to do with the affair so don't pay any attention to this. Just let him know that if you insist he leaves, it will be over the affair. He tells you this because he wants to blame the affair on you and and not on his affair.

Don't let him gaslight you.

I still say sell that Xbox and use the money to go on a romantic date. Have someone watch the kids and you both go on leave for a week for some UA time.

Yeah... I'll try. I am still getting used to demanding respect and not enabling but at the same time being cheery when he refuses or when I request.

This morning, he watched the kids while I laid down from an upset stomach and accidentally fell asleep for a bit. Then he watched them while I took a shower and took care of myself and made myself look and smell nice. I offered to take over with the kids so he could go do the same... he had his phone on him and I asked that he leave the phone in the kitchen until he was done in the bathroom and with his hygiene/personal time. He said no, he was planning on playing words with friends.

I told him, I've realized how disrespected it makes me feel for him to have his phone, the phone he used to cheat on me on him, while he is alone in the bathroom. I said in order for me to feel some respect from him I need him to leave his phone in the kitchen, I offered to go get him a book from the office or sudoku puzzles, to use while in the bathroom. He said no, he is sorry I want to see it that way but no. I said I don't want to see it that way, it is a fact, it is very disrespectful for you to use your phone in private while in the house, after you used it to cheat on me.

He said, even before you found out about all of this my phone was almost always out and accessible. He wanted to compromise by saying if I don't plan on using it, like for words with friends, then I will leave it out in plain sight. I stated that it still felt as though I was disresepected. He said I'm sorry if that's the fact but my answer is no.

And now he is upstairs, washing, on the potty, showering... with his phone and computer available to him...

I hope I handled it right...

Now I am just cleaning the kitchen, taking care of the kids, in Plan A still.

LIP, I would start making plans to separate right now. It might take you a couple of weeks to get him out, so start asking him to move out now. He doesn't believe you will do anything to stop him and has demonstrated he doesn't care one bit about hurting you. His continued contact with the OW is more important than his marriage.

So ask him to move out since he won't end his affair and stop doing things that hurt you deeply.

I agree words with friends has a messaging system in it. Probably how he contacts OW now.

How horribly selfish. Agree 100% with ML's advice. What steps will u take to execute plan B?

Isn't it possibe to have your 3-year-old accidently drop the phone in the toilet/bath/sink/lake or out of the window or play with it and it just happens to be 'gone'?

After what he's put you through, for him to take this stance means that he has no empathy for you. It is actually cruel of him.

A peson who has no empathy for his betrayed spouse, is not remorseful.

A person who is not remorseful is ripe to continue and/or to resume infidelity.

It is not a disrespectful judgement to declare what you will not stand for. Next time he pulls this crap, I would calmly (without anger) tell him that you are sorry that he has so little remorse that he would continue to make secret use of his affair-phone depite your expressed wishes, that you would much prefer to work with him on creating a loving marriage where you can feel respected, and that you feel like his taking his phone with him is more important to him than your need to feel respected, and so the way it's going to be is, he can either leave the phone on the counter, or else, that he can take his phone, his clothes and all his other junk and get out, and that he's got 30 minutes to finish packing.

He needs to realize that he can't bull**** you any more. He needs to realize that it's the 9th inning & he's down to his last strike.

That will accomplish nothing to get at this wayward husband's attitude. He'll just get another phone but keep the same wayward attitude.
This WH needs to be confronted with a choice to make.

And about the X-box, there must be a button or something in your electricity cabinet to shut off phone connections for the basement and such. You just have to discover where the wire is going and sabotage it. Maybe you have a brother who is good with these things? Or you could contact the provider to temporarily shut you of, or...
There must be plenty of possibilities. Be creative. If it is something that does not immediately show that it was caused by you, the better.

Don't keep asking him to give up contact and if he has made up his mind yet. Just advertise yourself as a terrific spouse. Make it clear to him, that you will not stay in a marriage with three people in it. That he will have to do without this fantastic woman and this happy family. Don't ask him for sex, just happen to behave in a way that will at least get his attention even if he pretends not to notice it. You should have no trouble showing cleavage while breastfeeding.

I would not worry about the tooth, you will get used to it in a few days. If the baby always drinks in the same position and your breast gets irritated from it, just use different positions for breastfeeding, so the tooth is at a different position every time. You'll be fine. Keep breastfeeding and your child will not get infections so often.

You are going in the right direction. As you may have noticed, he is always blaming you and gaslighting when you try to keep him away from his drug. "if you want to see it that way" and he is doing what he wants anyway.

If he wants to have your respect, he will have to behave like a man who deserves some respect. And a man who deserves respect is not one who leaves his wife and two small children. And also not one who values his phone more than he values getting the the trust back and repairing the relashionship with the mother of his children, which he damage by turning outside of his marriage. He is breaking his vow. 'Foresaking all others'

Just be assured that you are doing the right thing. Do not try to reassure yourself by asking his opinion and his take on things. His view is twisted. Come here to get an objective view. Do not be surprised if people refuse to get involved, they are cowards. Have you tried to get the parents of the OW involved? Many dads are not very amused when married men are preying on their daughters.

God bless you,

Happyheart

Of course it is possible to get another phone, but why let him have the convenience of not having to?

I may be saying the wrong thing. Vets feel free to correct me. Pack his stuff up, pawn that Xbox and all the games, take his phone and drop it in the toilet. Then demand him to end the affair or leave that simple. I bet his anger will show and he may even push you. That's when you call the police and get a RO to keep him out of the house.

Because it's missing the point. The point here is not to cause minor inconveniences that are plausibly attributable to mere chance. This WH needs to be helped to realize in no uncertain terms that inconveniences are attributable instead to the disrepect he is showing towards his wife.

The 'accident' that you recommended LIP stage (using the toddler as a prop) would accomplish nothing to drive home to the wayward husband the central point that his conduct vis-a-vis the phone is extremely disrespectful to his wife and that she feels extremely disrespected by it. (All your scenario might drive home is simply that he shouldn't leave his phone out where the toddler can reach it.)

Much better for her to dump it herself. But best for him to be brought to a point of realization where he is forced to choose between his independent behavior vs. his marriage.

Please read.
How to Plan B Correctly