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He has been insisting on full disclosure from the beginning, but she continues to withhold information because she knows from experience that there will be no consequences. That's why I was wondering if Plan B might be an option at this point.

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Originally Posted by LatefortheSky
I am grateful for the stimulus this board has given my FWW. Some withheld truth has come out and some personal insights have helped her get closer to getting busy with productive work. Every step though kills me and I�m runnin� out of steam.

She is trickle truthing you and you are already giving her an "F"?

BH's being in denial and being too quick to forgive and NOT requiring the bare minimums for a successful recovery is a huge problem on MB.

Sorry but I am seeing MANY signs of that problem on this thread. She is nowhere near earning her F yet.

The poly is your first step. Each time she trickle truths you, it erodes your love bank and hurts your chances of a successful recovery -- not to mention she stays foggy.

Getting the full truth out is Step 1. That poly should be scheduled TODAY. Stop trying to "talk" your WW into giving you the truth. Just schedule a poly. There is NO REASON not to. None.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Originally Posted by JessicaClaire
He has been insisting on full disclosure from the beginning, but she continues to withhold information because she knows from experience that there will be no consequences. That's why I was wondering if Plan B might be an option at this point.

If he can't even schedule a poly, he is no where near pulling the trigger on Plan B.



Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
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...she knows from experience that there will be no consequences.

THAT is a condition of their marriage that both own. It will change.

Her last post (21 January) alluded to having made the polygraph arrangements. (And if she hasn't, LftS will, right?) Between today and whenever that is scheduled to happen, it's very likely LftS will get many more details. Implementing a Plan B would curtail that process.

I would suggest that the only thing that should drop the "Plan B Hammer" right now would be ACTIVE contact with OM in which TF participates, or PASSIVE contact which she would fail to disclose.

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Originally Posted by LatefortheSky
After she began posting here, things have been really shaken up. The past couple of days she seems different in our communication. She seems less guarded with every word. I think we are now onto something.

Sorry but the whole "gut feeling" generally works when the BS thinks they don't have the full truth. I really doesn't mean anything the other way = BS thinks they don't need the poly.

Ask me how I know.

Besides, it is best to be prudent and just verify it anyway. It's win-win.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
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She will continue deceiving you as long as you let her. "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." -Albert Einstein

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You got here in Nov but didnt post until last week and your dday is celebrating its first birthday. That means you spent one year stewing over what went on in those hotel meetings.

You lurk here and read all about MB finally getting the nerve to ask for help just last week.

You get her to come on and she tries the same bulls--- story with us she's convinced you of and its takes us exactly one post on her thread to know she was sleeping with him.

Even after we get her to all but admit to hotel sex, you are waffling and hemming and hawwing over nonsense to avoid the issue.

Now, what we do to wormy guys like you is try to change them in to men because, youre right, this is one emasculating situation.

Reach down and grow a pair and tell this woman she needs to tell you what happened. You let her off the hook for a year and that ends tonight because shes thinking this, too, will blow over.

We can tell 1000 times on her thread, but it needs to come from you.

PS. I got what I needed from my wife in terms of honesty and we avoided a poly. You may not be so lucky.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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Originally Posted by MikeStillSmiling
You got here in Nov but didnt post until last week and your dday is celebrating its first birthday. That means you spent one year stewing over what went on in those hotel meetings.

You lurk here and read all about MB finally getting the nerve to ask for help just last week.

You get her to come on and she tries the same bulls--- story with us she's convinced you of and its takes us exactly one post on her thread to know she was sleeping with him.

Even after we get her to all but admit to hotel sex, you are waffling and hemming and hawwing over nonsense to avoid the issue.

Now, what we do to wormy guys like you is try to change them in to men because, youre right, this is one emasculating situation.

Reach down and grow a pair and tell this woman she needs to tell you what happened. You let her off the hook for a year and that ends tonight because shes thinking this, too, will blow over.

We can tell 1000 times on her thread, but it needs to come from you.

PS. I got what I needed from my wife in terms of honesty and we avoided a poly. You may not be so lucky.

Thanks so much Mike. I really appreciate your caring and constructive input. I'll be sure to recommend this board to any of my friends I find in this unfortunate pain.

BTW, my wife did the poly today. The result, very confident no deception . Thanks again.

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Late,

That is good news. Do you feel as though you are at "ground truth" with your wife's affair? If so, you should never mention the affair again. Bringing it up over after knowing all the details that you need to know will keep you "in the past" and both of you feeling badly. If not, ask whatever you need to and get answers that make sense to you. I am very surprised if your wife has told you everything yet.


The next focus is to spend a minimum of 20 hours a week of undivided attention in meeting each other's most intimate emotional needs: intimate conversation, affection, recreational companionshrop, and sexual fulfillment. Avoid the lovebusters of angry outbursts, selfish demands and disrepectful judgements.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Originally Posted by LatefortheSky
BTW, my wife did the poly today. The result, very confident no deception . Thanks again.
Exactly what were the questions asked? Sorry for my skepticism, and I truly hope I'm wrong, but this still doesn't add up at all.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


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I read the polygraph questions in your wife's post. The second question would only rule out sexual contact with OM during a single evening of her entire 2.5 year affair. And how did you define "sexual contact"? More importantly, the third question is not a legitimate polygraph question. (A polygraph can only test your memory of something that occurred in the past.) A legitimate polygraph examiner would not have agreed to test the third question, so I wouldn't put much faith in the results you were given.

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Originally Posted by JessicaClaire
I read the polygraph questions in your wife's post. The second question would only rule out sexual contact with OM during a single evening of her entire 2.5 year affair. And how did you define "sexual contact"? More importantly, the third question is not a legitimate polygraph question. (A polygraph can only test your memory of something that occurred in the past.) A legitimate polygraph examiner would not have agreed to test the third question, so I wouldn't put much faith in the results you were given.

You should post a list of your experience, qualifications and copies of State certs for poly's. I'm not sure what bug you have up your nose, give it a rest.

The way I see it is I'M the one who needs to be satisfied with the truth not anyone else on this earth. I am so busted up inside because of the truth I knew and the truth that has been confessed in the past few days, I would have like this place to be more supportive and not so negative.

Some of you post as though the only acceptable truth is that my wife f***** the guy. Whatever.

Anything constructive anyone has to offer would be really appreciated, but I'm too messed up to deal with hostility right now.

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LFTS,

One poster apparently wrote down a list of questions on a piece of paper, then asked their WS to answer them. The polygraph person then asked if the WS answered the questions honestly, likely along with some control questions.

I think the questions boil down to a few,

1) was there any contact to mucus membranes, that being lips, tongue, nipples, genitals and anus.

2) did you orgasm or reach arousal with the other person would cover phone sex and other indirect means.

God Bless
Gamma

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Late,

Are YOU satisfied with the results of the poly?

I do agree with the other posters that the third question is a surprising one. I had understood (and my experience is with my H's poly) that questions addressing feelings versus past facts would not be valid.

Please re-read my previous post.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Originally Posted by armymama
Late,

Are YOU satisfied with the results of the poly?

I do agree with the other posters that the third question is a surprising one. I had understood (and my experience is with my H's poly) that questions addressing feelings versus past facts would not be valid.

Please re-read my previous post.



AM

Yes I am. The third question was mine. The tester didn't like it and it was reworded a couple times before the test. I cared about all of them but this is where my greatest hurt is. She told him if he left his wife they would be together. I was told this two days ago, so its fresh.

I read your post, thanks. I think all is out, but gun-shy right now.

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LFTS,

Sorry, thought the test was not yet administered, and you were looking for suggested questions.

God Bless
Gamma

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Okay, LftS, it took a while, and a lot of wrenching effort, but it appears that the first hurdle has been passed!

You do understand the next tasks before the two of you, right?

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Good job on giving the poly.

Has your WW set up EPs?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by LatefortheSky
Yes I am. The third question was mine.The tester didn't like it and it was reworded a couple times before the test.


Ok. So you can understand why we questioned it. Your answer clears up the concerns.




Originally Posted by LatefortheSky
I cared about all of them but this is where my greatest hurt is. She told him if he left his wife they would be together. I was told this two days ago, so its fresh.

Fog babble pulled out of her fantasy world.

Good job Lateforthesky.



ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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" I think all is out, but gun-shy right now."


Gun-shy is normal. It took me a long time to believe my H if he said the blue sky was blue.

The next step is to eliminate all the conditions that made the affair possible by defining extraordinary precautions. This should include sharing all email passwords, phone access, never spend nights apart, etc. There are many lists of EPs around as examples.

Then, build a passionate marital relationship. Spend at least 20 hours a week in undivided attention, meeting the critical emotional needs of affection, intimate conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. Avoid the lovebusters of selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, and angry outbursts. Read the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Lovebusters".

You have your history of the affair. Once EPs are in place, never talk about it again. Dr. Harley talks about the "enemies of good conversation". Talking about past mistakes (ok, so an affair is not really a mistake, but something much more serious) is one of the enemies and just makes everyone feel badly.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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