How much do I begin with? Never have done this?
Thank you
Lori

welcome to MB, lori. just tell us what you can. include your ages, how long you've been married, whether you have any children (and how old), and what the status is of the affair. also, how familiar are you with MB?

He 56/Me 53. Married 25 years in 9/12. 23 y/o daughter living at home in mother in law apt. Came to MB 7 years when he had 1st affair. Status of this affair...Living with her...complicated.

I kicked him out 8/28...25 years of excessive alcohol intake. Both his affairs are with alcoholics. Says he did so because he got no sex at home. Drinks every day. No sex cause hes always in a bottle. He wrote me a nasty letter 1/1/13...now appears attitude is changing....Just don't know what to do...

I dont know where to view responses please

Unless he is in AA and truly hit bottom -- he just wants a bed to sleep in. DO NOT let him back in the house.

So..AA or nothing? Can I ask past that is that were to happen?

What do I need to post to get replies like others...Mine are few others are many I'm lost

replies will come, don't worry. when we are reading/posting in other threads, it takes time.

so, your WH is an alcoholic and is currently living with an OW, is that right? this OW is not the first OW in your M, is that right?

what specifically about his communication tells you he wants to come back to the M?

Replies take time, this is Monday and a lot of vets are probably at work.

AA should be one of your many conditions. You want that bar to be high. I'm not an expert, and MelodyLane was herself once alcoholic. She can give you better advice than I.

Take a breath, NC4ME. You will get replies here soon.

((((((NC4ME)))))). ... This is a hug.

I have no experience w/ alcoholics, so will not comment

Ok...Was afraid to be long winded...Talk to others that hes saying...Oh, has had 5 other sexual enconters also. The reason I believe that MAY be the case...In a IM (thats how we communicate) I told him he needed to be patient and give me time to do the refi on the house then we need not be in each others lives after house settled...On 1/1 he was do it or house goes away...NOW says take your time with the financing so you will want me back in your life. Also asked why I had a plumber at house when he would be glad to do whatever he can...I know this isnt much but compared to the letter of 1/1 just so odd

He wants to have his OW and his fix of you. He doesn't like that he's seeing you do things on your own when his idea is that he will have OW and you on the side.

how long has WH been out of the house? did he leave on his own, or did you put him out?

don't worry about being long winded. just use paragraph breaks so it's easier to read.

I put him out 8/28...Met OW 8/15

ok! now we have a bit of a picture of where you're at.

you cannot take this man back into your M until he meets your conditions to return to the M. and you NEED to have conditions! we call this "setting the bar high." your bar needs to be extremely high, and you need to be strong enough to keep it there, because waywards are full of self-interest. they want to see how far you'll lower it, so they can get by with the least amount of work.

i would suggest that you plan b your WH. write a plan b letter, which includes a roadmap of how to come back to the M (your conditions), then go completely NC with him. he is currently trying to cake eat - why settle for one cake when you can have 2 and be a total glutton? do not settle for being cake.

do you understand these ideas? which ones do you need guidance with? we can link you to them. post your conditions, and PB letter here for editing before you do anything with them.

you should also expose his affairs far & wide. this will give you some badly needed support, and also put the truth out there. waywards hate to be the "bad guy." they always want to spin it so the end of the M was all your fault and the AP wasn't met until they left the M (trying to legitimize the relationship). do you know what exposure is?

so you have a short to-do list. prepare plan b letter and post it here. prepare exposure letter and post here.

what other conditions? I just dont know what to do...

THANK YOU...No I'm lost....WHat conditions?

I would file for divorce so you have legal protection and go into Plan B. In your plan B, one of your conditions would have to be that he never drinks again and attends some type of outpatient alcoholism treatment program, such as AA. Otherwise, there is nothing to save.

And unless he has made a dramatic and radical change in his life by the time the divorce is final, you will be better off divorced. In your situation, divorce would be the best outcome.

first, stop panicking. nothing is going to happen immediately (you M will not end today).

what "other" conditions? what are your current conditions?

some to think about:
1) NC with all OWs for LIFE
2) complete transparency: you get passwords to all electronic modes of communication
3) no use of any mode of communication with which he met/conducted affair with OWs (eg: if he met one through fb or communicated with OW through fb, then no more fb)
4) commit to following the MB program to restore M to develop a mutually beneficial and happy M for both partners.

your conditions should be relevant to your relationship. seriously consider coaching with the harleys. you will, of course, install spyware on his computer and phone to confirm continuing NC.

in the meantime, your WH needs to see how life is going to be when the M is ended due to his adultery. this means he gets no benefits of M-living. no contact with you, no support from you, etc. waywards, when cake eating, want to get a "hit" off the spouse. any way they can contact you will give them a hit. this goes both ways, btw. while in pb, you will work on yourself.