All right, let's summarize this evening's developments:

- You understand that for the moment you and FM will very busy starting the MB program.
- You agree that a "grace" period to let the program work its magic is vital (6 - 12 months)
- You will see to it that FM's STD screen is completed and clean.
- You understand that everything FM has told you that you have not independently verified "ain't necessarily so".
- You should understand that reaching POSOM's BW is a tremendous tool for your recovery. If the "separation" is not fact, then you might be giving a previously unsuspecting spouse valuable information. If they are separated, how warmly would this woman greet the possibility of giving you contact data for all of POSOM's family, just to get some vicarious revenge on the SOB, through your exposure to them?

Get ready for the recovery roller-coaster, dude. Keep your lap-belt fastened and all appendages inside the car!

Hi Letty,

Thanks for the support!

In regards to her business I feel that FM has totally abused it. She would work at all hours and would ignore me when I got home from work. She would be playing FB games for hours and then work as orders came in. Would be up until super late when I needed to get some rest because I needed to get up early. Needless to say my sexual fulfillment was not getting met. (One of my big EN to find out)

Eventually I started to HATE her business. On top of all that I would help her do street fairs 10 weekends a year which I despised. It was extra income so I went along with it, but with a bad attitude.

Since the reconcile FM and I have come to an agreement. At first I demanded she get a normal job ( she agreed) but then I realized that would make her unhappy and she may start resenting me. Besides taking a paycut it would be harder for her to do the things that I like her to do. So I said I was OK with her keeping the business as long as she treats it like a normal job. Her business hours are 8-5 Monday-Friday. After 5 no more no matter what. No more FB or any gaming during working hours. We are giving up the street fairs completely, the extra money was nice but is not worth my happiness.

So far it's been pretty great. We are spending a lot more UA than ever and I am no longer resenting her job. I don't care if I make more than her as long as our basic needs are met, anything more than that is a bonus.

Now I just need to learn to continually meet FM's EN. Her man one being affection. I'm not a touchy feely guy so it's unnatural to say the least, but I know I can do it.

I'm not a touchy feely guy so it's unnatural to say the least, but I know I can do it.

If you put a "full-court press" on for two weeks, friend, you'll see the change in FM, and you will find you will actually get comfortable expressing and initiating affection.

as long as you're both in enthusiastic agreement (POJA) that sounds great! and what NG has said above here is true. starts off seemingly fake (in my case, it was verbally offering admiration), but as long as you do it, it starts to become, and then is, natural. and the feedback from your spouse makes that (short) uncomfortable time totally worth it. make sure you've gone over the ENQs so you know exactly how FM wants to receive affection.

We had a tough night last night. I told my WW that if we were to follow the MB principals I want to follow them to the T. That includes sending a NC letter to the OM. She was hesitant to do so since it's been about 2 months since she's spoken to him. She feels that it would just stir up the pot and he would them try to contact her. I think it's needed because the last time she say him she said that she cannot see or talk to him while we are working things out. If things didn't work out them maybe.. I feel that is leaving the door open.

The OM said in an email to both me and her that he would not contact either of us. Since then he has sent me and her an email. I have since blocked him for her email address. So what do you all think? Write the NC letter? It would make me feel better.

Also, I did find the POSOM's W on FB and sent her a message telling her of the affair. I'm pretty sure she knew but now I know that she will know for sure.

Two months since the last time WW spoke to OM.

When did OM send his NC emails to each of you?

When did OM send the both of you the second emails?

Double somehow.

Yes it's been 2 months since my WW spoke to the OM. It was a face to face.

The OM sent an email that he would not contact us about 2 months ago.

He sent me and my WW an email a few days after the NC mention in his 1st email.

He sent my WW an email about 2 weeks ago. I've blocked his email from her email so he may of tried to send more... not sure though.

Mr_Aqua,

Also, I did find the POSOM's W on FB and sent her a message telling her of the affair. I'm pretty sure she knew but now I know that she will know for sure.

Good, it's likely OM was on the fence about his BW or he would have divorced her by now, this may prompt either OM or OMW to try and reconcile. OMW would then be a free pair of eyes for you.

Make it clear that this is better for OM as even in the case of your divorce OM and WW becoming a couple will result in massive retaliation, and it will be open season on OM for the rest of his life.

God Bless
Gamma

She feels that it would just stir up the pot and he would them try to contact her.

She's lying. If she's not overtly lying to you, she's covertly lying to herself.

BUT, here's the place where you could have prevented this, and what promises to be a smorgasbord of similar "cha-cha" steps from her:

I told my WW that if we were to follow the MB principals I want to follow them to the T.

or.....what?

Would this have prevented the problem?

I told my WW that if we were to follow the MB principals I want
to follow them to the T. If she were to resist or vary on her own,
I would give her one opportunity to correct her course. Failing
that, I would conclude she was not as committed to recovery as
she had to be, and take the steps I felt were indicated!

If it helps, for the immediate future do not think of, and treat, your WW as a mature woman, but as a spoiled 15 yo girl.

Thank you for clearing this up.

The OM is not respecting NC. Point this out to your WW and get that NC letter done and in the mail ASAP.

Agree. FM needs to send an NC letter right now. That sets the stage for a cease and desist order if OM should ever contact FM again via any means.

If FM balks or argues about sending the NC letter, it is in indication that she has hopes about some kind of future with OM. My H did this and I was foolish to not recognize his reluctance for what it was. What followed was additional conversations between OW and my H. It was miserable.

AM

If the NC letter will make you feel better, then send one but I am really not a fan of them once NC (on your side has started). You can't control how pathetic an OM is going to be but I prefer to ignore an AP after telling him/her to leave both of you alone and concentrate on shoring up any holes. Pathetic OPs aren't going to listen to reason IMO. If any further contact with an AP is needed, I think it is better coming from the BS...with a well crafted hammer delivery.

My two cents.

Welcome to MB.

Thank you for all the guidance and support thus far.

Yesterday I brought up the NC letter again telling my WW that it is needed. She still thinks it's not a great idea. We talked awhile about it and I understand what her concerns are. OM may try to contact her, show up at the door step, harass her sister. etc.

My feeling is that, if he does do those things I can help her handle it. The POSOM can't hold up his word so something needs to be done. WW then agreed that he did break his promise for NC. She was very upset not about the NC letter but me trying to dictate it. She thinks that I'm not taking her feelings into consideration and am being demanding.

I did tell her that I wanted to following the MB principals and if she can't commit to that then why should I bother trying to work it out? Was that a LB. I guess I have a hard time not telling her how I feel in a loving way. I get so frustrated sometimes. I feel that she has dragged her feet this entire time and has not committed 100% like I have. I feel that I'm the one who is guiding her to do the right thing and that if I were to step away she would just push the A under the rug and not think about it.

She barely slept at all and was crying through out the night. I think she's afraid that I'm going to change my mind and decide not to work things out. I told her that she wouldn't be here if that's how I felt.

I think we need some good UA time and not work on the program? But for me I want to see this get resolved and I have a hard time not thinking about outstanding things that NEED to be done.

Any guidance on how to not drain her LB and move fwd in the program?

Thx

MA

WHOA!!!!! BACK UP!

Are you telling me, after all the time she's spent here, that she's going to play the "controlling" card?

Let's make this crystal clear.

YOU DRIVE THE RECOVERY BUS!!!

Recovery elements are NOT subject to POJA, Insisting on what you WANT or NEED are NOT LBs. Putting it as crudely as I can, if the BS says "Crap" the WS asks, "How much?" and "What color?"

And as far as draining HER Love Bank? "Well, gee, sweetums, when you were busy harvesting ENs from two sources, I'd have thought you'd have quite a balance built up!"

If she's poing to play the faux injured party, at every opportunity, I see yours as being a real short trip to Plan B/D, my friend.

Shall I dash over to her thread and repeat this message, or would you like to relay it?

That was my thought as well. I didn't know if we should be doing POJA during this period or not. Thanks for clarifying that for me.

My WW hates being told what to do so I know it's hard when I say I need something and she doesn't want to do it. I then get frustrated and start demanding it or making threats. I feel that she should be doing whatever it takes even if it goes against her wishes or feelings. It was a very tough thing just having her get rid of her FB account. I'm the one that went in to block the POSOM from her FB. She was still friends with the POSOM's parents and other family and friends. I saw this and confronted her about it. She defended it saying that she only plays games with them and they aren't talking to her about anything. It bothered me and she didn't' want block them. Eventually when I got quite upset about it she De-freinded them. Then the POSOM emailed her a day after that asking how she was doing etc. After I wanted my weekend alone to think, I sent her my demands list that I needed to work things out..deleting FB was one of them. She did comply with it and some other things but I feel that it shouldn't have had to come to that.


She's also upset that I still have a FB account and doesn't see why I should if she can't have one.. I then told her.. your A was spawned from FB.. why do you think you can't have one!!??

So this whole thing feels like I'm having to push her back against the wall in order for her to comply with my wishes. I thought if she didn't want to loose me she would do ANYTHING to win me back. Am I off the rocker here? PS. Feel free to write anything on her post.

I do not have FB and have a ful life. I have no problem staying in contact with those that I want.

I do not need to see who just had a BD, picture of the new car someone just bought, etc, etc.

If someone had something that important for me to know they can call me at anytime of the day.

TR, I agree. She should close that because its an avenue for her to contact POSOM and vice versa. What's stopping him from making a fake account and contacting.

To clarify, WW's FB has been deleted. It was her hesitation about it that bothers me. She doesn't want to many "hard" days in a row. She said she can't handle it and she doesn't feel loved.

I have a much high tolerance of talking about tough things then she does. Do I respect her wishes and back off for now. Then schedule the hard talks like someone in her post suggests?

I quote myself for emphasis. If a wayward spouse refuses to write an NC letter, it is a sign that he/she intends to leave the door open with the affair partner, hedging his/her bets. This is a very bad sign for recovery. It is an indication of fogginess and that your wife has not changed her viewpoint of whatever her rationale in her mind that made an affair possible. The WILLINGNESS to either write a letter or the refusal to write a letter is a huge indicator.

AM