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Mr. Aqua, Your wife has enjoyed an enormously long leash and has gotten used to independent behavior that is not in your marriage's best interest. She is now having to adjust. Here is what Dr. Harley says about Independent Behavior. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3406_independent.htmlThis topic is covered in greater depth in his book "Love Busters." She will have to learn to curb her independent behavior or your marriage will always suffer from it. Regarding FB, my wayward wife returned to our home and she asked me to remove my FB account. Since I do not want her to have an account, I deleted my account. I am happy to get rid of my account if it means she will never have one. I enjoy FB, and I never got into trouble with it, but I know some people who have. No doubt it is a portal to infidelity for many. After all you've been through, why not scrap it? Besides, she will resent the "double standard."
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That was my thought as well. I didn't know if we should be doing POJA during this period or not. Thanks for clarifying that for me.
My WW hates being told what to do so I know it's hard when I say I need something and she doesn't want to do it. I then get frustrated and start demanding it or making threats. I feel that she should be doing whatever it takes even if it goes against her wishes or feelings. It was a very tough thing just having her get rid of her FB account. I'm the one that went in to block the POSOM from her FB. She was still friends with the POSOM's parents and other family and friends. I saw this and confronted her about it. She defended it saying that she only plays games with them and they aren't talking to her about anything. It bothered me and she didn't' want block them. Eventually when I got quite upset about it she De-freinded them. Then the POSOM emailed her a day after that asking how she was doing etc. After I wanted my weekend alone to think, I sent her my demands list that I needed to work things out..deleting FB was one of them. She did comply with it and some other things but I feel that it shouldn't have had to come to that.
She's also upset that I still have a FB account and doesn't see why I should if she can't have one.. I then told her.. your A was spawned from FB.. why do you think you can't have one!!??
So this whole thing feels like I'm having to push her back against the wall in order for her to comply with my wishes. I thought if she didn't want to loose me she would do ANYTHING to win me back. Am I off the rocker here? PS. Feel free to write anything on her post. She gets a joint account with you...
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My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Draft NC letter has been written, just need to drop it in the mail tomorrow. Feeling better already.
On a side note I wanted to share this. During this time my friend's W has been extra nice to me. Texting, calling, FBing me seeng how I'm doing. She did send me some promiscuous photos and invited herself over to cook dinner for me, but only when her H wasn't going to be around. Red flag alert anyone? When I told her I'm working this out with my W. the attention subsided.
I told my friend about this and warned that he's lucky it was me and not a POSOM. I of course told my W about all this. That was a few weeks ago.
Well the contact started again tonight. Dinner invite when her H is not around. She said her and her H have been having issues and wants to talk to me about them. When I said sure come over you can have dinner with my W and I... Then she said she wouldn't feel comfortable to come over and didn't think my W was living with me. Red flag again! I wish this was a game show because I would be awesome at it.
I then gave her this site and told her how much it's been helping us. I hope that I can save them from the pain an A can cause. Going to point my friend to the book his needs her needs and affair proofing a marriage and hope it does some good.
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She did send me some promiscuous photos...Red flag alert anyone?
You're joking, right? Or you're just trying to see if anyone is online this early, aren't you?
DUDE! Exactly HOW do you think affairs start? It's not like two people of the opposing sexes walk out of dressing room in a store - NAKED - and their genitals entangle!!!
She is tracking, hunting, and trapping for her own AP!!! And a wounded, newly betrayed BS is the one trailing the pack, and easy prey.
You told he husband, and she did it again?
Wow! Either he is the most feckless, ineffective cretin on this or any neighboring planet, or you are emitting "Come and get me" signals that are irresistible to the human female.
YOU CAN NEVER SEE THIS WOMAN AGAIN. And do not start with the "It would never happen with me" crap. It can happen with you. She thinks enough of her chances to keep setting her bait!
Write another NC letter. Have FM send it.
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MA,
Well the contact started again tonight. Dinner invite when her H is not around. She said her and her H have been having issues and wants to talk to me about them.
Please do your friend a favor and direct his WW to MB, tell her she can fall back in love with her BH it the right thing to do and MB can do that for her. I've saved 2 marriages that I know of by doing this.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 01/24/13 09:02 AM.
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The plot thickens. I agree with NG she is actively hunting for an affair. You did the right thing. Establish NC with this woman.
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That was my thought as well. I didn't know if we should be doing POJA during this period or not. Thanks for clarifying that for me.
My WW hates being told what to do so I know it's hard when I say I need something and she doesn't want to do it. I then get frustrated and start demanding it or making threats. I feel that she should be doing whatever it takes even if it goes against her wishes or feelings. It was a very tough thing just having her get rid of her FB account. I'm the one that went in to block the POSOM from her FB. She was still friends with the POSOM's parents and other family and friends. I saw this and confronted her about it. She defended it saying that she only plays games with them and they aren't talking to her about anything. It bothered me and she didn't' want block them. Eventually when I got quite upset about it she De-freinded them. Then the POSOM emailed her a day after that asking how she was doing etc. After I wanted my weekend alone to think, I sent her my demands list that I needed to work things out..deleting FB was one of them. She did comply with it and some other things but I feel that it shouldn't have had to come to that.
She's also upset that I still have a FB account and doesn't see why I should if she can't have one.. I then told her.. your A was spawned from FB.. why do you think you can't have one!!??
So this whole thing feels like I'm having to push her back against the wall in order for her to comply with my wishes. I thought if she didn't want to loose me she would do ANYTHING to win me back. Am I off the rocker here? PS. Feel free to write anything on her post. She gets a joint account with you... Problem with a joint account POSOM can attempt to contact WW and WW can then delete the messages before her BH sees them. FB is not needed to have a full life. FB is not needed to maitain contact with people you do not value enough to make time for to see or even pick up the phone.
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MA,
Well the contact started again tonight. Dinner invite when her H is not around. She said her and her H have been having issues and wants to talk to me about them.
Please do your friend a favor and direct his WW to MB, tell her she can fall back in love with her BH it the right thing to do and MB can do that for her. I've saved 2 marriages that I know of by doing this.
God Bless
Gamma No, invite his friend over for a beer, then show him the evidence, then go online and show him what MB is about. Then educate him about Surviving An Affair, VAR's, key loggers, never reveal his sources, etc. If this WW is gunning for you she most likey has a few notches on her pistol grip, and will be looking to add more. He needs to learn how to monitor his WW because the next target most likely will not have your honor.
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I got ahold my my friend and told his W's offer of dinner the other night. He said he knew about it and was there when she made the offer. They are having issues in their M and are said they are working through them. I gave him the titles of a couple of books to read, hopefully it will help them. I feel a bit stupid but am glad it's been squashed. Now that this distraction has been dealt with, looking forward to moving the chaulks forward in my own marriage.
Last edited by Mr_Aqua; 01/25/13 07:44 PM.
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Has your WW given you a list of her EPs? What are they?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I got ahold my my friend and told his W's offer of dinner the other night. He said he knew about it and was there when she made the offer. They are having issues in their M and are said they are working through them. I gave him the titles of a couple of books to read, hopefully it will help them. I feel a bit stupid but am glad it's been squashed. Now that this distraction has been dealt with, looking forward to moving the chaulks forward in my own marriage. Hi Aqua, welcome to MB! I am so glad both you and FM found this site. It truly can work miracles in marriage if you follow the steps and listen to the advice given. I immediately took to your WW's forum. I think it is because she reminded me so much of myself, not to mention your timeline of events (DDay, MB posting, etc... all line up with mine exactly a year earlier). After reading your forum, you remind me a lot of my own H. As I told your wife, he is the ghost MBer. He has read both your forum and your wife's but you will not see he post here. I have such great hope for you guys but also know the extremely steep hill that you will be climbing the next year or two. In reading your post, I do feel extremely relieved in how you handled your friend's wife. If I could suggest anything however I would suggest you block her number from your phone. So far you have done wonderful with telling both your wife and your friend about what is going on, but you are still in a very vulnerable state so why chance it. Another concern is that FM has stated that when you have AO's you often talk about having your own A. As tempting as it may seem, it is so not worth it. My H had an RA and it only created an additional obstacle and more pain for both of us to have to deal with. I see such hope in your marriage and again am excited that you both have embraced this program. Such simple concepts, yet most people do not know how to use them in their marriage. Both my H and I are guilty of Independent behavior and not POJAing enough. These are concepts that should come easy to two people that love each other but often times are forgotten in marriage. That is what this program is all about and I wish you two the best!!! My final thought is, I am so very jealous that the two of you get to go to Hawaii. Use this time for lots of UA and to heal your relationship. Don't focus so much on the negative but the positive and what both of you are going to do to make your marriage better than it has ever been.
Me (WS) Husband (BS)
DS - 15
DD -10
My D-day - 11/12/11
Today Me (BS) H (WS)
D-Day #2 01/14/12
I don't want to just survive my affair, I want to recover from it!
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I got ahold my my friend and told his W's offer of dinner the other night. He said he knew about it and was there when she made the offer. Great job on telling the husband. Do not be fooled into thinking that it is ok because your buddy knew about it. This is exactly how affairs start and exactly how my FWH's affair with the wife of our family friend started. The only way to fix the problems in your marriage is to invest the time in YOUR marriage...not hanging around OS friends also having problems or couples with no boundaries. This couple is not a friend to your marriage. I agree the plot is definitely starting to thicken here.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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I got ahold my my friend and told his W's offer of dinner the other night. He said he knew about it and was there when she made the offer. They are having issues in their M and are said they are working through them. I gave him the titles of a couple of books to read, hopefully it will help them. I feel a bit stupid but am glad it's been squashed. Now that this distraction has been dealt with, looking forward to moving the chaulks forward in my own marriage. Not to belabor the point, but if your friend doesn't know about the provocative photos his wife sent you, I would tell him (or better yet, show him the photos). If she has been telling him that she only sought you out as a friend, those photos would give him some much-needed perspective. Equally important, sharing those photos will make her realize that you will not conceal anything for her.
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Equally important, sharing those photos will make her realize that you will not conceal anything for her. Exactly, why are you protecting her by not telling her husband the whole truth?
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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The pics she shared with me eventually she posted them on her FB account. At this point everyone has seen them.
I will not be hanging out with them anytime soon until my WW and I feel comfortable doing so. I agree that we cannot be surrounded by anyone else's issue and must fully focus on repairing my M.
Anyhow, we finally started reading surviving an affair and it's crazy how much the example in the book relates to our A. It's helping me understand why this happened. I'm looking forward to get to the chapters on healing the marriage. The last couple of days we have done a lot of UA time and trying to deposit love units in the bank. Thanks again to everyone for their support and prayers. They are much appreciated!!
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Has your WW given you a list of her EPs? What are they?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Has your WW given you a list of her EPs? What are they? Not officially from her what EPs are in place to secure me from having my own RA. We both have each others passwords to everything. She's not allowed to go to LA with out me. Did send the AP NC Changed phone and email Deleted FB Blocked POSOM email We spend most if not all free time together. Not going out with member of opposite sex or talking to them about M issues GPS tracking Never spending a night apart (unless I have to travel for work) I think that's about it. Anything else we should be doing?
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How much UA time are you getting?
What are you doing to protect your Love Bank from others making deposits?
Are either of you texting/emailing others of the opposite sex?
Can she go with you when you travel?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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How much UA time are you getting?
What are you doing to protect your Love Bank from others making deposits?
Are either of you texting/emailing others of the opposite sex?
Can she go with you when you travel? We are spending anytime not working or sleeping together. We have had some tough conversations though but need to schedule those if we can. I think the EPs will help protect our love banks. We are setting boundaries in place, like not talking to others of the opposite sex unless the other person is there or is OK with it. I do txt a friend who is a girl that is going through a divorce on a regular basis. I've know her since birth and my WW knows that I txt her. I have no issues showing her the txts if asked. My WW is not texting or emailing anyone. She could go with me whenI travel. Luckily it's few and far between.
Last edited by Mr_Aqua; 01/27/13 01:26 AM.
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