The same way your wife got you to sport that fetching mullet hairdo!

Shhhhhh - don't let on you've finally gotten a picture of me!

As an aside: Love the shoes! They're perfect for standing in the shopping cart. But I always envisioned you as taller!

LH: Sorry about this...diversion. But I'm glad to see you are making some progress. The best way to improve a behavior is to follow the cycle: "Ready....Fire....Aim!" Analyze each try, save what worked, changed what didn't.

Millions of teenagers have made romantic connections over fries and Big Macs. (What's in that "Special Sauce"?) Be a teenager again!

No problem about the diversion. It is good to see humor on here. You guys are pretty funny.

Sorry Longhaul! Can you believe the way these damnyankees make fun of our beloved WALMART??

I talked to a friend and I have some clarity and also talked more with my wife last night. This is odd to me I need to post to solve a problem when my wife is beside me. I don�t care, I just want to do whatever it takes to make the light bulb go turn on in my head and she can heal.


The first thing I will respond to is my 11 daughter checking my phone calls and text:

I looked my daughters both in the face and lied to them. I told them I had a friendship and nothing more. I was not going to take a lie detector test, their mother needs to believe me and I will do anything for their mother if she would take the lie detector of the table and our family would move forward.
I told them the night before that we were divorcing. This was one of the worst nights of my life. You could hear the 11 and 14 year old daughters cries echo down the hallways and through the house until about 2 a.m. that morning. I devastated their lives and their family structure.

If my youngest needs to see every call and text to rebuild the honesty, trust, and security that I have crushed, then I have no problem with this. This is nothing compared to what I have put her through. I have nothing to hide from her. My life will be transparent to her. Each time she looks I am helping her heal the deep wounds I have put into her.


About the job:

I have betrayed my wife. I have betrayed that she can trust me to support her and have her back in every area of our lives. I have to be all in 100% and do whatever it takes for our marriage and family not to suffer. She needs to feel honesty and trust from me. She only feels it when I am honest and committed to supporting her and loving her. If our marriage or family suffers from the job then I will quit and find a job that does support our marriage and family�s recovery through this.
There are so many bad habits to break that it is hard to identify them to correct. When you add in everyday life, then emotional rollercoaster and pain I have put my wife through with distrust and dishonesty. We have a lot on our plate. I am trying to get through this one day at a time.


Update on Job:

I got the rejection letter from the job this week. StrongerMe was glad I didn't get the job. At first it hurt my feelings that she was glad. Then I got depressed because there is no money coming in on my side for over a month. Then my feeling were hurt again that she was glad about not getting the job. I seem to spiral downward.

I feel I am a shell of a person. I know now she only wants to protect our family and she was looking out for the best interest of our family. We worked through it and talked about it. We seem to be reeling in our discussions when they start going negative. I still look at this one day at a time.

I do not know if I have some kind of primal instinct, I do not feel happy unless I am providing for my family. I need to be working.

StrongerMe is with our youngest daughter on a school trip. We have talked for long periods over the phone. I have the oldest daughter and I told her I was taking her on a Father/Daughter date tonight to her favorite restaurant just the two of us. She seemed very happy about that. The whole family will be together tomorrow night and I am ready for StrongerMe to be home. It has only been one day but I really miss her. I do not like waking up and her not being in the bed. That�s why I am posting at 1 a.m. in the morning. It makes me feel better. I am looking forward to her being home.

Hi Longhaul, sorry to hear you are feeling down. But don't despair, it really will get better. You are on the right track. If you do this right, the grand pay off will be a romantic, passionate marriage. I am not sorry that you didn't get the job because if you did, you wouldn't get that pay off. Not with a second shift job. Sorry, but that is true. Second shift jobs are a disaster to marriages and that is the last thing you need.

That must mean the perfect job is just around the corner for you. Every time I didn't get a job I thought I wanted, something 10x better was just around the corner. Hang in there, friend!

Longhaul, what did you think of Dr Harley's response to this same post? [sans the part about the job]

I agree with Dr. Harley, you and my wife. I am scared to death about the finances here. I am just hoping one job comes through. I don�t need a great job. I just need a job on 1st shift. I put in about 5 other places yesterday. I do not believe �what will be will be� I believe to do everything in your corner to stack the deck so hopefully things will work out in your favor. One job with decent pay on 1st shift is what I want and need.

StrongerMe and I have talked about other jobs:

Another teaching job: It would be 1st shift and the summers off with our girls. She is worried the same outcome will happen even though we have EP�s.

Manufacturing: Unless it is a new startup company, most people have to work an off shift and pay their dues to get on a day shift.

I put in for a Technical Support and sales job: Her response was she didn�t know that she could trust me if I traveled.
If we could hit the lottery I would be fine with being a stay at home dad.

I do not want to be a greeter at Wal-Mart. I would love to do it if I was retired but not now. I have spent my whole life continuously learning and keeping my skills up with education and experience. It just seems like anything I propose gets shot down by StrongerMe. I am hoping it is just because this is new and she will trust me again. At my previous job before teaching I traveled all over the world and she was ok. I hope with MB and my actions we can get to a happy trusting place for her. I don�t want to travel again. I need a job to help me with my recovery. It doesn�t put me in a happy place in my mind being unemployed.

Be patient LongHaul. A job will come soon. In the mean time focus on things you can do to make you and your wife and your daughters happy.

A few of the things that will be bad for your marriage will be traveling, shift work, or working with a lot of females again. I would not put it on SfrongerMe to shoot down any of those positions. *you* should be shooting down those positions because they are bad for your marriage. Putting her in that position and making her the bad guy will only tear her down more. She needs you to protect her.

If you take a traveling job, then she should not trust you because those jobs are an invitation to an affair. That would be crazy. That would be like saying you should be trusted to go drunk driving.

Affairs and divorce are epidemic in traveling jobs. Even in the best marriages. The strongest marriages end in divorce over traveling jobs. I would ask yourself in every potential job: does this job complement my marriage?

You don't want to go through all this hell for nothing, do you? The payoff will be a romantic, passionate marriage. That is your paycheck, but you won't have that if you have a job that complements your marriage.

P.s. I have been calling on Walmart market managers all week. They have great careers, btw, and their business is thriving in this economy. Behind all those greeters and cashiers is a full staff of career minded, savvy managers and directors.

We have a new one opening up in our town. I will put in an application. If you have know anyone in there that has any pull, tell them you know a southern boy that is about to starve to death and can�t feed his family and needs a job. He has a great personality, Loves chocolate, makes his own cloths and loves long walks in the park. He just needs 1st shift and can�t travel or work with women.

Another question:

StrongerMe feels I have put her second to the OW. She also feels she was a second choice to the OW. I told her I see more clearly now that I read more post and that I am living this. I feel I was addicted to the affair and that I was in the fog. I could hear things that would make sense but could never get out of the fog.

I feel this affair has been over. I wish she would feel she is #1 because I would never do this for the OW. I have asked her �I there anything else you need or want from me that I am not doing.� I am still waiting on a response. I would say the delay is a good thing because before she has let me know real quickly what I am doing wrong.

There is not a magic pill that will remove her doubts.

The answer to helping your wife can be found in your dedication to working the MB Program and staying on course. Combined with time, it's a winning formula. Just continue to be patient with her throughout the process.

.... Oh ya, and remember to pray for her, often.

Longhaul,

There's a book/devotional that was recommended to me by some people on this forum.....

"The Power Of A Praying Husband"

It really helped me. I think it might do you some good too.

I will order it today or go to the bookstore and get it tomorrow.

Thanks,

Longhaul

You DID do things like this for OW. You risked your entire life, family, career, etc. for OW. That is the reality that your BW now knows she was living for 5 years. The insecurity and doubt which you took 5 years to create will not just disappear after a couple weeks of putting her first, finally. A 5 year affair, and a 2 month recovery, clearly you are not questioning why she is not more healed by now...

You need to be in this for the Long Haul. 2-5 year recovery, that is how long it will take of you being all in and putting her first for her sense of security to reestablish itself.

Agree with unwritten. Your wife also has to deal with the fact that you and skanky had secrets to which your wife was not privy. For YEARS. It will take a long time for her to get over this, but you are on the right track. Just don't expect things to improve overnight, they won't.

Longhaul, my friend. What are you doing? It is like a week cannot go by without a new self induced trauma in your marriage. The latest of which is the re-introduction of your mother before your wife is ready.

By trying to bully her into bringing your mother back into the fold, you tell her loud and clear that you don't protect her. Do you realize that? Your mother did tremendous damage to your wife and in order to overcome this, your wife must see that you place her interests FIRST. She does not feel that way when you lovebust her by telling her she is "restricting" you when she asks that you don't hurt her. You are free to hurt her whenever and however you want. But if you continue to do so, you won't have a marriage for long. Is that what you want?

Here is what Harley says about that subject:


Your marriage has to CHANGE into a relationship of extraordinary CARE in order to become a happy, fulfilling, successful marriage. I realize it is hard to break bad habits, but asking her to suffer so you can have what you want has to be eliminated entirely. And so does the accusation that she is "restricting" you when she asks that you not make her suffer. That all has to GO!

Your wife has been through holy hell. I would focus very hard on never doing anything to upset her. Don't even bring this stuff up until you become skilled at negotiating and have eliminated lovebusting traits such as "you are restricting me" and "you don't trust me."

Put your wife FIRST, my friend!! The recovery of your marriage depends on it.

p.s. I am very disappointed in your mother and am baffled about her defense of you. Her defense did not demonstrate love, but enabling. It is analogous to shrieking in the face of rape victim "YOU MUST FORGIVE!! YOU MUST FORGIVE!!YOU MUST FORGIVE!!" and completely ignoring the assault. Not to mention that forgiveness must be earned.

Would your mother think it is appropriate to scream in the face of rape victim that she must "forgive" her rapist? And to bully and badger the rape victim and try to influence others to bully her? Because that is what she did to your wife. And you want to go see the woman who did that to your wife?

I know you love your mother, but she let you and your whole family down in this instance. The only explanation I can conceive is that she had her own affair once and possesses a wayward mind. Her behavior was CRUEL in this instance.

I am the mother of a 30 year old married man and if he did this, there would be hell to pay. May God help him when I get my hands on him. Believe me, I would not be badgering his victim for some fake "forgivness" and neither would most parents. How inappropriate!

I agree with you. Thank you for supporting StrongerMe and telling me like it is. I do not disagree with anything you have posted or with what StrongerMe has posted.

I just wanted to see my mother. I wanted to talk with her about anything other than my marriage and home life. I see my actions are selfish and I will keep reading your post over and over until it burns into my brain. The conversation started about my mother. This was my fault and I need to change this. Everything seems so simple when you read it but when everyday life mixes it all up and my selfish thoughts come into play my mouth just opens and stupid stuff comes out.

I can see other post and see where they have done wrong and getting off path. I do not post anything because I have enough on my plate and I am certainly not someone not needs to give any advice other than stay on the path. I hope one day I will be able to say we have been in recovery for 5 to 10 yrs. Post about how happy my wife and I are together. I am just hoping to get through the day without an argument coming up and I understand it increases my odds if I am not selfish and think about what my wife is going through.