First I will address NG, I have been called worse, and you are entitled to an opinion. I will not get in to physical abuse as was suggested by breaking her foot, nor will I get in to the damaging of personal property as suggested so that a police report can be filed against me and I then in turn have those legal issues. What I did do was follow the direction of legal counsel and made a non violent verbal statement, "If you choose to leave for AZ, then be prepared for the consequences of your actions when you return".

MelodyLane, I did make sure my D knew that's why her mom was not at her cheer comp. My attny said her first move will be to file paper work to prevent my W from taking my D out of the state w/o my permission. Then if she does there will be a distance restriction.

Jedi, I feel I have to drop the D bomb now because she has wanted a separation all along any way, but wants to hold off on divorce. So I think that has to be my play right now. Do I want to wait it out yes, but for how long? I know exposure is like taking the crack pipe from a crack head, and sometimes a crack head has to O.D. and be on deaths door before they "GET IT"! I think that is what the D-bomb can be.

But as I look long term at this whole deal. Can trust ever be brought back in to this relationship? I don't know.....

Also I have not hired a P.I. I know some will blast me for that and it's not because I feel it's an invasion of privacy or anything like that. I am limited on funds. Is that to say I'm putting a dollar amount on my marriage....? I say no I live in financial reality, but I'm sure other would argue differently.

I will not get in to physical abuse as was suggested by breaking her foot, nor will I get in to the damaging of personal property as suggested so that a police report can be filed against me

...and the reason for NOT attempting the "Ta-ta, Skanky, take care of DD7!" gambit was...........?

Risk- and conflict-avoidance are not assets in either the practical business of breaking up affairs, or the psychological campaign to (re)impress the WW with one's worthiness as a mate.

So...what are her consequences?? You have to be able to mean what you say and back it up with actions.



Divorces can be filed but dismissed before becoming final. You an draw it out as long as YOU want. It's a good idea to file to protect yourself and your daughter legally.

Trust can be brought back to the relationship with the use of Extraordinary precautions, transparency and radical honesty. Total trust? But you can come to a place where you feel safe again.


We are not here to "blast" you. We are trying to help you. It is up to you to follow through. We are merely sharing what we have done and what worked for us. We are here on our own time to pay it forward. OK?

And as for personal property YOUR MARRIED THERE IS NO SUCH THING. so if you wrecked the car she can't sue you cause it's your car as well.

yep, i know of a few waywards on here whose phones had "accidents".

You asked how long to wait for the affair to die a natural death?
Most affairs die a natural death within 6 months. A few make it to the 2 year mark.

You asked about trust.
In my case, I would never trust my ex wife again. I am not a parole officer in my profession and I don't want to be one in my marriage. Some betrayed spouses literally become parole officers in their marriage, spying on their spouse and rigid accountability becaus of the very real possibility the wayward spouse will return to the affair partner. I can't live like that. I went through a false recovery for 3 months and That was enough for me.

You have a young daughter so that is a consideration.

I can give you advice on divorce. I just went through it and I have full custody of my three kids.

Rocketqueen, I get all are on here using there own free time to pay it forward. How much it has helped me is something I may not ever be able to express with words. I understand what everyone else is saying about extreme actions to knock the fog away, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't hesitant due to legal action in some of these cases. My cousin is a cop in the city I live in, and when I told him I was moving back in he said to be careful because she would try to bait me in to something. he sees it all the time and the guy in most cases looses.

Jedi, I agree with the whole not being a parole officer. That's in my mind right now. When I was suspicious and trying to find eveidence, it was eating me alive and my life sucked for months. I don't want to have to live like that again because i can't trust her! Every time I think she has jumped the shark tank with her actions, she goes out and adds another bus to the other side and out does her last jump!

OK. So what is the consequence for her when she gets back from a weekend away with POSOM???? I'm lost. Seems as your plan is to do NOTHING. O

I want to address what your cop cousin told you.
That is why you are advised to have a recorder on your person at all times.
Record all conversations digitally and back up.

This does NOT mean you just let your wife spread her legs and ask you to kiss her when she is done.

Her actions are evil. Outright evil.

For all who haven't read or maybe I wasn't clear enough..... The consequence of her actins are I file for divorce and she gets served at work. I also have proof that she was having inappropraite conversation while at work. The messages are time stamped with work and time. So I am going to give it to her boss, somethng I've wanted to do all along but advised not to.

I would stop taking advice from whoever advised you not to share the info with her boss. Shielding an affairee from the consequences of her affair is not how you break up the affair. Whoever gave you that advice doesn't know cold, day-old squat about dealing with an affair.

Gloveoil, It was someone from this site. I know all on here are on here at their leisure, but that was the advise given to me. That since the affair wasn't work related then I should keep work out of it.

If the affair is occurring in the workplace , or enabled by the workplace such as company cell phone or computer then it should be exposed.

Jedi, she does not use the work computer, it is closely monitored, and she does not have a work phone. But she is using work time!

Then I would expose there.
When does she return?

When W got back she wanted to act like nothing was wrong. I kept quiet knowing this would drive her crazy. So she went with a subject I would get in to, filing our taxes. So she brought it up and I participated. Then I asked her a question. I said have you filed for D yet, her response was no (with body language like why.... should I have, So she sais no, and I said ok I just want to make sure we aren't having a duplication of effort. She said what does that mean? I said, I'm filing for D tomorrow. She goes ok, do you have an attny, do you want to use the same one? I said yes, and we probably should for cost purposes. So I gave her all the contact info for the attny. The next morning I get up and go upstairs to make sure my daughter is getting ready for school. She is but my W is still in bed, it's 7am at this point. She should have been up for an hour and a half at this point. SO I go in and mkae sure she didn't over sleep, she stated she didn't feel well and was staying home. SO I get my D on the bus and go about my day off. So the time is here for me to leave to meet the attny. She asks where I am going, and I remind her, then I leave.

I come back and relay all the info to her that I got from my attny. I worked yesterday, and I come home to I need to talk to you. So I send my D downstairs and ask whats up. She said she doesn't know if she wants me to file. She said some other things that I don't redily remember because I was getting mad. I didn't show this but I was. I told her I was filing because I thought it was what she wanted... And that I thought she was very selfish for bringing it up especially after just last weekend going to AZ again to be with OP. I think the fog is lifting but once it does, I will be like David Copperfield in a Vegas show. GONE!!1

fireboss, tell her you will only drop the divorce if she ends her affair and commits to a program of recovery. Otherwise this is going right to divorce.

WHAT? I don't know about your state but most do not allow divorcing parties to use the same attorney...at least not for representation. You and WW would have to be in agreement on a D settlement. Have you retained this lawyer yet? If not, giving your WW his contact info was not a good idea.

Sorry but I would file ASAP; citing her adultery. Your WW had her weekend romp and is going to tell you any ole garbage to shut you up and play stupid. WW is not serious at all. Stop talking to her about any legal issues until you file.

I personally would not expose at her work if that is the case. If you end up divorced, you don't want her unemployed and having to support her...that adds insult to injury IMO. Her work is highly unlikely to care. How much time are we talking here? Unless she is missing appts, meetings, or using an amount of work time that is really over-the-top, I don't see the employer caring much. Nothing wrong with serving her at work...it is practical. If she is embarrassed oh well. You can also talk to your attorney about her signing a Waiver of Service...she will sign a documents stating she acknowledges she has been informed of D.

My two cents