Z, I finally found your thread! I'm so happy that you are making great memories with your kids, that's what helped me the most in this time. I admire you for getting your kids to safety, and for shining a light in your congregation that you do not need to put yourself and your kids through abuse.

Wow NED! Good to see you again. By the way, I "notified" eons ago to share my contact information with you but never heard back. Shall I try again?

Thanks for the encouragement! I met with my 5 church-y friends Sunday - it was a long, shallow luncheon and no one asked me what's going on with my life or anything. Even when the conversation sort of edged toward my situation, they quickly changed the subject. Kinda disappointing...and I didn't sit there expecting them to "ask about me" or anything: I was very interested in their lives etc. and heard all the latest stories. So we shared some smiles, but I think it's time to move on.

Well, I'll take Dr. Harley's advice and find a new church. Stinks to have to start over, but I guess that's just the way it is

And I'm having fun: remodeling my kitchen (finally! starting with painting the cabinets - cheap fix for now); I'm a brunette now (love it! my natural color and it pleases me); and making new friends.

Also reached out to a woman from my abuse survivor group. I'm working on being her friend while trying to keep her from going all co-dependent on me. She's started calling me 6x a day....gonna have to gently communicate some boundaries, poor thing. We'll see if I can handle this one, or if I'll have to step away. She's still with her abuser & is just torn up every day.

Is there a way to block texts from my STBxH? He's been bugging me several times a day about the appointment with a mediator.

I'm doing everything I can to gather my paperwork & make phone calls to the mediator, but they either send the wrong thing or the office is closed, etc. I would rather not receive texts from him nagging and pushing me - he didn't stop when I asked him to stop & told him I'd text him when I have the info we need - he just threatened litigation (again).

I hate any contact from him, but I can't figure it out on my phone. It's a Droid - and I blocked him as a caller but don't think it will stop texts.

Z,

That would be hard, have you googled your phone and if it is possible to block specific numbers from txts?

Why doesn't he just contact these people himself, rather then leaving it to you?

I know you are in plan D, but have you thought of using the plan B method and using an IM to handle all contact between you?

Did you delete him from fb? Have you made your fb as private as possible?

I would def. not respond to these txt in any way!

I would say contact your provider, and see what they can do.

If you absolutely must have FB, delete your profile, make a new one with a fake name, and friend necessary people. And make your profile private.

Do you have an IM?

I had the same problem with my XH. I just created a fake bounce and after a few "message undeliverable" responses he gave up.

That's funny! And awesome. I'll try it.

Thanks TisMe, Karmasrose and Brain - I'll also contact my provider and see if they can block texts from a specific number. I don't have an IM but can see the value with an abuser: he's become more pushy and belligerent since the separation. It boggles my mind that he still denies being an abuser when every single interaction is either him bullying or threatening me. His blindness is very blind, and confirms daily his abusive mind-set.

This will probably help and it has the IM training link in it also.

How to Plan B Correctly

What a fantastic idea!

Thanks guys! I checked it out, and my carrier has a way to block certain numbers. So no calls or texts ever again.

We meet with the mediator next week...I'm not hopeful that it will turn out well, but if it did it would save me tons of legal fees. I'll update after that.

This has been so painful I don't ever want a man in my life again - it's like I actually had hope that it could be wonderful, and that hope was thrown off a cliff and dashed to death on the jagged rocks below. Will this pain go away? Will hope return? Or just more stupidity?

Sigh.

Some guy at a new church tried to chat me up - he recognized me from the car dealership and followed me out trying to have a conversation. I was not rude but I just wanted to RUN AWAY. I extricated myself as quickly and politely as possible. I think I should just wear a sign: "Leave. Me. Alone."

Do others keep wearing their wedding rings to prevent this kind of cr*p? I just associate mine with my STBxH and it's painful to see those rings, let alone wear them.

Wow, they're everywhere!!!

Zombies? No.

Women in abusive relationships.

I had dinner with an acquaintance at work who confided what's really going on in her marriage. Yikes. She is a strong, intelligent, and very talented woman who is trying to figure out the best way to extricate herself and her children from her abusive marriage. It's like the scale between 'broken home for kids' vs 'damage to children done by abusive father' has to tip.

What is the deal? Almost all the women I know have been in - or are currently in - an abusive relationship. These are caring people, women who want to have great relationships, but the men in their lives are narcissistic, cruel, and destructive. What the bleep is going on?

Has something in our culture shifted - or have marriages always been this way but abuse is becoming unacceptable to women, and they are more educated and willing get out?

It's weird: Dr. Harley's letter to me last week said that he's seeing increasing numbers of men being abusive and/or neglectful in their marriages. It's sad.

Or maybe this is just like when you buy a new car, suddenly you see that type of car everywhere you go...maybe my awareness is different now.

The same thing happens with me as well Z. The whole "meet" your neighbor around where you sit during the service just totally unglues me. Watching these men coming from 6 to 10 rows around you, making a b line towards you and no one else just unglues me. Afterall, I do remove my neon sign prior to going to church.

As you know, it can be very difficult to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship, it has taken myself a long time to do this myself. Abuse has no boundaries and crosses all social and economic barriers. Even professional women are abused. As you are removed from the situation, you start to see those "unseen" scars of those around you in those abusive relationships. You will have a wonderful gift to aid others.

Thanks Logan, it's good to know I'm not alone. I think I'll go catch up on your thread...I'll bet I can learn a lot from you.

so...I learned a LOT about nail polish! lol

I will post eventually a "cliff notes" version in the near future.

I am glad you discovered some new things about nail polish.

So today I am struggling with sadness and feeling a little hopeless about everything.

I mean I can be single, but I just wanted so much to have someone care for me (and I for them). I talked to a girlfriend who has been married for decades...why are they making it and I couldn't? I feel like there is something really wrong with me.

It just hurts.

Z, there is nothing wrong with getting your family to safety after making an honest effort. We're all given different challenges in life. Your friend is happily married but maybe there were some other challenges she had that she's thought weren't fair to her either. They say here that Renter attitudes in marriage, being willing to gain at the other's expense, are inherently unstable and lead to domestic violence. So maybe your stbx has some renter attitudes that your friend's H didn't have, and that's where the difference comes from. But now you know what to look for and when the time comes you will watch how someone resolves issues, do they look for solutions that make you both happy, or do they expect you to compromise.

(((Hugs)))

Thank you for the encouragement, NED. Come to think of it, I asked my friend what she would have done in my shoes (describing a few situations we went through). She said she absolutely would have left too, so that made me feel better. Tolerating the intolerable is not the goal.

On the other hand, I'm not sure that I WOULD know what to look for next time, which is partly why I feel so hopeless. STBxH said and did all the right things while dating/engaged. We talked MB, we talked POJA extensively, he said it was his dream for a relationship to be like that. Then he switched after we were married. He was definitely a Renter - Steve Harley said so.

But I guess I shouldn't listen to words as much as watch how people solve problems, how respectfully they treat others, eh?

Anyway, I'm glad you've found someone wonderful, NED. So happy for you!!

Mine played a renter who convinced me for many years he was a buyer....but really is a freeloader/thief/and a liar among other things. Easier to see once away from the drama and abuse. The longer I am away and in plan b the easier it is to see. I still look back and think how could I have been so blind? Then I shake it off because of the ongoing long term emotional abuse.

It is a long road to walk, not just getting the D, but everything that comes with an abusive relationship and the healing from it all. This site has been a godsend for myself. As tough as things have been, I am really blessed. You will be as well. We have time in front of us for healing.