Hello all, it has been a while.

I started a thread in SAA about 10 months ago, detailing my WW affairs. I have done quite a bit, did a full exposure, granted late. Came up with a list of EPs. I requested a NC, that never happened. Basically almost all EPs were thrown by the wayside. She has "tried" in her own way to fix our marriage, but just when things seem to be going better, another bomb drops. I.E. There was a guy who had been married to a mutual friend of ours. They had problems, and my WW let him stay in our house for a week. The last day he stayed, I had gone to bed, leaving my WW and him downstairs alone. I can't say for sure anything physical happened, but my WW said he came out of the bathroom naked and tried having sex with her. She says she laughed at him, and pushed him away. I can't prove or disprove this story, but needless to say I hate this guy. Out of the blue, he starts calling again, then shows up at the bar we were at. She spent almost the whole night talking to him.

In one breath, she says she is working hard to gain my trust, then she goes and does stupid stuff like this. On top of the fact, 5 months after she said she wouldn't contact the last OM, I bust her talking to him. This contact happened 4 months ago.

I don't know anymore. I still love her, but I don't feel I can get over what she did to me. It has been almost a year since D-day, the flashbacks are better, but sometimes I look at her in utter disgust from what she did to me. I feel she doesn't deserve me.

I tried to get her to come post on here, tried to get here to read the recovery guide for WW... In one ear and out the other. She has always been an independant person, and I feel that is causing a lot of the problems. She wants to fix the problem ourselves, and not get anyone else involved. I have tried, and I am done.

The only way I can see getting around a D, is she comepletly turns around with her actions. If that doesn't happen, I'm throwing in the towel. I can't say I didn't try my hardest. I have never been an advocate for divorce, but I refuse to go through my life unhappy. I have the right to be happy.

I am giving this until March 7th (D-day anniversary) and if it doesn't change, plan B, and if that doesn't change anything, D.

Is this a joke? Your wife let him stay - did you have any say in the matter, do you think? Do you have any say in who stays in your home?

And she has been in contact with "the last" OM?

What signs are you waiting for that would show a complete turnaround by March 7th?

You've been married 3 years and she has had lots of affairs. You have no kids. I doubt that Plan B will have any positive effect on her independent, affair-loving behaviour. This seems like a woman who does not know what being married means, or who values marriage and fidelity. By all means try to rebuild your marriage if that's what you want to do, but your chances of success seem low.

At the time the guy stayed, I thought he as a friend down on his luck. All this happened the last night he was there, I had no idea it had happened until I got home that evening, and she told me.

Yes, she texted the last OM (different guy) for about a week until I found out.

I don't know exactly what signs I am looking for... I guess following the EPs I had laid out for her.

And yes, married 3.5 years, and 3 affairs. I was gungho at the beginning to save this marriage, but now I'm not sure if it is worth keeping. And I decided soon after all this went down, that I would make a decision on 3/7, whether I stay or leave.

One bad thing is in Virginia, once an affair is discovered, you can file for divorce on the grounds on adultery. But once you have sex with the spouse post-D-day, adultery cannot be used as grounds. It can be a no-fault divorce though.

If we do get a divorce, I don't want anything except whats mine. The house was bought by her before we met. We have no kids to worry about. So if I decide that I do want a D, I just want out with what I came with, nothing else to remind me...

WhatAboutMe,
How old are you? Do you want children?
Can your WW change? Yes! Is she likely to?
Some folks post here from cynical points of view - mine included. Don't post often, but I have to say my experience was that the affairs continued and even during times when there wasn't one, the relationship was one-sided and rocky.

The biggest lesson I've learned here is that at the end of the day you and you alone know the person you are married to and the dirty details of the situation you find yourself in. You and you alone have to act on the advice given here.

You will get plenty of advice and opinions. What is your gut telling you? Can you live with the knowledge you have and the mulitple affairs in such a short time?

Speaking again from experience the worst thing you can do is nothing. The days, weeks, months and years will fly by.

I hate to be cynical too...but giving her more and more time will not change her. If she is unwilling to make any changes, unwilling to have any kind of counselling or heed anyone's advice, what gives you hope she will change? I too was gungho to save my marriage. I too gave him time...and it was D-Day after D-Day.

You have no children, nothing tying to someone who has disrespected you over and over and continues to break your trust and text the OM. If you caught her once, what's to say it won't happen again, with your WW making no moves to actually change? If she's spending hours chatting with a man she says "tried to have sex with her and she supposedly pushed him away"...that is a huge red flag.

Go dark. Don't give it time. Do it immediately, lay out what you want, and if she wants to make it work she will move mountains to do so.

You are taking too much abuse.

I would draft a loving plan b letter and leave. Time to go dark.

Have you seen sample plan b letters?

Dr Harley has carefully designed the recovery program
Detailed in the book Surviving an Affair.
He has stated that the plan MUST be followed exactly, without any deviation or recovery will fail.

Since she has refused to write a NC letter, Dr Harley would probably encourage you to plan A for up to 2 years and then divorce IF you wanted to save our marriage.

Your wife has probably never been a buyer in your marriage and is a freeloader.

I encourage you to read the book Buyers Renters and Freeloaders by Dr Willard Harley.

I've heard him say that there is nothing to save with a young marriage with no kids, and that divorce should come sooner rather than later.

Well sugar cane there are posters without your children that have used the program and recovered their marriage.
I think of jah whose young wife was having multiple affairs

I have not seen a plan b letter, that would be awesome to see.

I think in any marriage you should try to save it, if you can. It's not only marriage with children you should try to save. However, it seems like he's been trying and his wife is not interested in trying to save it.

I'd do a Plan B letter immediately.

I'm sure there are! I'm sure marriages have been saved in all sorts of circumstances.

I was just relaying Dr H's advice, if that's all right with you.

Dr Harley does recommend moving on when there are affairs in a young marriage with no children. I would strongly advise you to do that. It makes no sense to continue in a marriage with a spouse who is actively pursuing affairs and is not interested in being married. Just thank the good Lord there are not children in the mix.

It usually makes much more sense to part ways and find a new partner, than trying to trying to patch up such damage so early in the marriage. Its not like you have history here or have children to be concerned about.

Your marriage will never recover unless she makes radical changes in her lifestyle and I don't see her agreeing to do that, do you?

You have nothing to lose if you file for divorce and then give her a list of conditions for recovery of the marriage. She either gets on board or she doesn't, but you win either way. If she doesn't get on board you will be divorced; if she does you will have a great marriage.

Here you go, and there are Plan B letter samples in it also.
How to Plan B Correctly

Dr Harley says that it is a personal decision and he does not tell people to divorce or not.
If they want to save their marriage he has a program that will work if both spouses agree to it.
Jah was also advised to divorce but he followed the program and his wife later agreed to follow the program. Last post from him they were using the MB Coaching service and doing well.

If this poster wants to save his marriage his best chance is a lengthy plan A. As melody wrote he can plan A during divorce.

Of course he does. I've heard him do so often. I've also read it on the private forum.

here

here

here

here



I did a search on "divorce" and Dr Harley on the private forum and about 100 posts came up. These are a small sampling.

huh?