LOL Zhamila, we hit a bump in the road, but I'm still hopeful. It's taken me some time and some trying circumstances to get past that "broken home" label and see my family for how strong we really are, man or no man. But like folks here recovering from infidelity, you know it's something every marriage is vulnerable to, you take what steps you can to affair proof, or in this case violence proof, your marriage, and then trust yourself to know you can handle whatever comes.

I hear you. I have been feeling this way all week too. But look at the bright side.....we've come through this, scarred but we're making it! And think of all we've learned! And how prepared we will be to make our NEXT marriage (because hopefully there will be one) so amazing.

I was talking to a friend about this yesterday - almost the exact same words! And she told me there is a plan for all of us, and we just have to keep thinking positively. If we don't want to be alone, we won't be. And sometimes what we WANT (ie, the person we were married to and wanting to hard to just have that perfect happy family) isn't what's BEST for us. It all becomes clear in the long run. So I've chosen to follow this creed....and hope for the best!!

I know it hurts. I hurt too. But there have to be bright times ahead.....we've gotten all our bad karma out of the way!

Thanks for the encouragement, LR! I am trying to see all the good things about my life free of him, rather than dwelling on all the pain. But you're right: I think it will take a while. I can feel myself go from being really suspicious of all men to just feeling really sad and a little stupid.

It's good to know that others have made it through

Good point, NED. I was wondering what the "Extraordinary Precautions" would be for an abusive, violent spouse???

I'd dearly love to know...

Yes!!! I read this PhD dissertation called "Empathy and Male Entitlement" about battering husbands. It said that research shows women who have survived an abusive relationship actually can have MORE self-esteem than normal - because they've really been through something difficult and got out.

UPDATE:

Mediation was last week, and boy was it a DOOZY! H was in rare form: yelling, getting in my face, screaming "I'll do whatever I want!!" - all in front of the mediator (who separated us). H admitted that it's all about "Revenge" for him, and he wants to be paid back for all the "pain" he went through in our marriage.

WTF???

I was all, "Really? Who beat whose kids? Who had to call the cops on who? Who went to the ER because of abuse-triggered heart attack symptoms?"

Then he really went ape-sh*t. My mediator said (after he stormed out) that "mentioning his abuse doesn't seem to be motivating him to come to a negotiated settlement." Well, no one - not even Steve Harley - was able to motivate him to EVER come to a negotiated settlement, so I wasn't really surprised. It was almost fun to watch him yell, "I AM NOT ABUSIVE - YOU ARE!!!!!!"

Anyhoo, a waste of $190 but worth trying I guess. I am kicking myself that I didn't record it!!! What a great YouTube video. D*mn.

Oh well - now it's all about litigation. I wonder if I could make some extra $$ by selling tickets to the circus (er, court appearance)?

Things I have heard of as EPs for violence in a marriage would be to ask your partner before you touch them, to let your partner be the one to discipline the children, to stay in an anger management program where they check in with the partner regularly, to wait a year before moving back in. I would think it's appropriate to add in a post-nup in case of recidivism. And on the victim's side, I think the person owes the kids a promise to report and get the offender out immediately if it recurs.

If he has no qualms about screaming in front of the mediator he may well do it in front of the judge, too. And that's only going to help you.

You just have to keep from laughing.

Wow, we tried some of those exact things, but he kept breaking his promises . Super sad, and I wonder if that's a little how betrayeds feel when their WS keeps violating the EPs: I guess they are communicating how little they care about their spouse. It's like a nightmare where you keep thinking you're going to wake up any second, but you never do.

Thanks for those, NED. Maybe they should be added to the What To Do With An Angry Husband thread?

Maybe I'll wear a shirt that says something like, "He's not abusive. He's just sincere about how much he hates me."

Z, I'm so proud of you. I can't tell you how many women in the same situation let the crippling fear overcome them and never get their families to safety.

Z,

I am still work in progress. My D is not final, maybe soon, I just do not know, lots of litagation at the moment. It feels like my road/life is like a detour at the moment. Lots of turns, pot holes, and the road is not straight....but I am getting there.....

You are so encouraging - thanks NED!

I'm sorry you are actually still working on your D...it does feel like pot holes - great description!

I am meeting with my attorney to get some clarification - I know he owes me $ but he keeps doing weird math and I need help getting real numbers. He refused to show me his paperwork at the mediator's, "until I sign an agreement." Oh sure, I'll sign something without knowing the real numbers...right.

LR, are do you have children with your STBxH?

Yes, I have children with stbx. My children are amazing and I get my strength through them.....one step in front of the other kwim?

x2!!!

Thanks Daisy!

Yep!

Mine tell me (almost daily) how much happier I am now, and how glad they are we separated. They are also anxious to celebrate: we were joking about how people have parties for every big life event like birth, graduation, weddings, even funerals. I said we should have a "divorce party" and they got really excited! My 14 year old has already invited all of his friends and asks weekly - "When will the D be final so we can have the party?" It's pretty funny.

I've gotten more clarity around the legal issues of splitting our finances, and I still need to do a little more calculation then see if he'll agree. Haven't heard boo from either lawyers or him, but we need to figure something out someday.

I'm working on enjoying being alone: it's not easy and I do get lonely sometimes. I stayed in all weekend except for working out then therapy. I ate cereal on the couch, then tried to be brave and took a book to a restaurant at my therapist's suggestion.

There's this weird dynamic: I have a deep distrust for men right now, almost an aversion. But at the same time I would like to someday meet a nice one who wouldn't lie and hurt me. But then my fears overcome me and I just sort of feel frozen. I can't honestly say that I've met one man that I would trust - ever, my whole life. One of my girlfriends says I'm too sensitive, and need to get over things that bug me. Honestly I'd rather be alone than get hurt over and over. It's like my heart has a dagger of ice inside.

Have any of you ever felt this way? What will make it go away: therapy? time? Maybe it never will.

I currently feel this way Z. Somedays all men are evil, the next day maybe some are not. I know I am still married, not healed yet, and definetly not anywhere being close to it. I miss the EN needs being met by the OS, most of my other needs are met, but some, obviously cannot. It is tough at times, but I keep trying to push through. The thing in front of me that I can count on is time. That will make the difference, most importantly, what we do during that time.