The triggers will fade. Your feelings today are very temporary and will pass. Just stick with the plan, rrr, and do your best to avoid triggers.

I spent some time thinking about what caused the trigger of the old house to be so strong, and I think I came up with the reasoning. Or what I believe it to be. And my wife ended up coming home from work yesterday in fear I was going to leave. We were able to put the setback aside and take a lesson from this.

My anger was that bad for my W at first, but it has faded to a manageable point over time. I still feel it, but don't feel the need to rehash everything on a daily basis anymore. I just take Jennifer's advice on trying to find a way to distract myself from my own thoughts. This anger I have learned to manage.

When I went to the house, this was anger toward OM. That anger I have found is much greater at this point and most likely will never subside. And I have a hard time managing it. Unfortunately without him around, it becomes an issue between my wife and I. I have decided never to go back. My wife's family will be doing the rest of the work. My wife will go, but only with her mom present. And just to clean the house as I don't feel like it is in our best interest if I go.

At least he wasn't there when I went, but I know enough now to stay out of harms way. I'm not sure how I would react if I saw him at this point. Would I walk away, would I beat him to a bloody pulp? I'm not going to put myself in a position to find out. It would only end up hurting me and my family in the end.

I have decided never to go back. My wife's family will be doing the rest of the work. My wife will go, but only with her mom present.

Like I said:

It has now become your FWW's burden to get you through these, with whatever pain and effort is required on her part...It does require you to...inform her of your pain, and its cause. Let her go to work on it.

Congrats to both of you for working through this. It won't be the last, but may be the worst, and from now on you have the model!

I don't think your wife should go to that house, either.

There's absolutely no reason to risk her seeing this POS again.

hi RRR. i'm sorry you've been triggered so badly, but glad to see you're analysing it and working it through.

yes, you will be angry. and you will be angry again, at expected points throughout recovery. but you will not always be so angry. it isn't possible to maintain that level of rage (and you wouldn't want it to be, either).

as you travel through recovery, you will find that your anger lessens. i'm not saying give it up now. in fact, i think it's important to BE angry. because working through it is a learning process that will make you a new and different person.

hang in there, RRR, remember, it's not called a for nothing! only a pity that we don't get to throw our arms up and "wheeeee" during this particular ride.

Here is an update of how were doing after 4 months.

Jennifer helped us greatly. She was very happy with where we were when we started sessions minus my angry outbursts. With her help I have learned to cope with my anger and no longer lash out in what was an honest, but very derogatory manner. We actually had a session while I was extremely angry and I was able to tell Jennifer my feelings one on one. Helped me understand nothing good would come of telling my wife she acted like a whore, or I wish we would of never married even if they were honest feelings. Instead, she helped me find a plan to help distract myself, as well as a better communication method for my wife and I when I would get in a rage. My 2 best friends became my instruments (guitar and drums) and email.

We found I was able to communicate with my wife on how I felt through email or writing when I was triggered without letting my emotions get the best of me. What a difference. She also felt my wife was very genuine in her remorse and helped me see some of the positive actions (not words) she was showing to try to do any and everything to make our marriage work without at all downplaying her actions. She was constant and adamant on this being HER mistake, not mine.

She helped her with EP's, with our EN's, and with our level of exposure. Believe it or not, in our situation, she did not have us do complete exposure. Only because my wife stopped affair before I confronted her, and we had already exposed to everyone she thought was very important, and finding out my honest feelings on how my mom would react. She believed it would be detrimental to our recovery and we had come to far to take a step back.

We are out of the old house, in a new, and everything is much better for the most part. I still have some resentment, and some anger from time to time, but not as frequent. Biggest problem I have and it didn't take long for Jennifer to figure out is I have a very hard time not dwelling on certain things in my life. My mind just doesn't let go. That is what I'm trying to get past now. Still a daily thought.

I have always been very honest, done right by people in my life, and have been over generous with my time, money, friendship, etc. The drawback to being that way is I am not very forgiving when someone takes advantage.

We are spending time together now, at least 15 hours. I know where and who she is with at all times. That basically consists of work or taking the kids somewhere. That's not really much of a change as we never really did anything without each other anyways. She calls me during her lunch everyday, and always goes to bed before or when I do without any complaints.

I have gone out to happy hour a couple times with people from work, but other than that, we have done everything together.

Thank You to all who helped out in our early times after DD. I may not of always listened or took the advice I should have, but it lead to our time with the counseling that we badly needed. Wish I would of listened to NG with my angry outbursts earlier, but I truly was in a state of mind where I couldn't even of explained some of my own actions being a generally passive person by nature.

On a positive note. I'm a much better drummer, guitar player and shot (shooting range) than when this all began:)

I'm not familiar with your story but I hope the good news keeps coming!

Wish I would of listened to NG with my angry outbursts earlier,

...but you were astute enough to listen eventually!
Keep working the Program, dude. Now, if you'll excuse me...

Need some advice on how to handle some coming events

Valentines Day - Although we are, for the most part, doing well with recover, I find it hard to go out of my way to do something special this valentines day. How have some of you handles the 1st valentines day after D-Day?

10 Year Anniversary - I was going to surprise my wife with a trip to the Caribbean for our 10 year. While this is out of the question, I'm not sure if I should do anything seeing how an affair was going on for our 9th. And the fact I feel the marital bond was broken the moment an affair happened. I don't even wear a wedding ring right now. The way I see it we are legally married, but spiritually, not until we renew our vows when I am ready, and then we start from day 1, year 1 etc. Thoughts?

Her Birthday - Knowing she left work early on her birthday last year and was with him, it's going to be very hard not to be triggered/reminded on that day, let alone recognize it any fashion except for the kids sake.

Any other summer triggers that may arise. A year later, it seems any big days will be hard to recognize. Any advise on how others handled this would be much appreciated.

At least I know I know I won't have violent thoughts with a loaded weapon like last summer. Thank God for the OM kids arriving home with him or I wouldn't be free to worry about how I would handle these situations. God works in funny ways. And I still think he saved me both days last summer.

The way I see it we are legally married, but spiritually, not until we renew our vows when I am ready, and then we start from day 1, year 1

You and I think alike, my friend. Bride and I have two wedding anniversaries. While the 01 May date when we first married is the one my bride and the world celebrates on our behalf, I hew to the 13 August re-commitment date. I do not rub her face in it, and I know it continues to bother her, but that little tactic has let me move forward all the faster.

Her birthday? Give that one to her to manage. It will be enlightening to see what she does with the information that her behavior last year impacts you so brutally.

As for His intercession preventing your taking actions that you might now regret - just don't forget it. It was provided for a reason, whether that reason is yet revealed or not. Like the dying Capt. Miller told Private Ryan, "Earn this!"

"Earn this!" That was a great movie moment, NG, and, yes, it has many applications in our own life stories.

rrr,
We all have those triggers. My WW went off to see her POSAP the week of our 19th Anniversary. She had the audacity to e-mail me a short, "Happy Anniversary. I'm thinking of you." Like NG, I will be looking at our recovery date as a more special date from now on. But over time I may go back to our wedding date, because our vows endured through this nightmare. Like you, this Valentines will be tricky for me. My ww was overseas with her POSAP on that day too last year.

But here is the thing. I am not going to give Valentines Day to that POS. My wife and I celebrated many more together, and I am going to reclaim that day for us. I am going to make this one very special so that she will know who the true love-of-her-life is. Since my wife has met my EP's and moved forward with just compensation, I am going to fill her love bank and meet her needs. She is doing the same for me.

I have never sugar coated her affair. I've always called it out for the evil it is. So don't think I'm brushing it off.

And there is something important to consider. Your D-Day was recent. Mine was 1.5 years ago. Time will ease your triggers.

rrr;

This will also be our first post D-Day Valentines Day. I, too, am worried about triggers.
(Taffy asked the Dolly to "be his valentine" last year, and set up a romantic date for them. He told me he was going away on business, so we went out the weekend before. The Dolly ended up jamming out the day before, so he then took ME to their "date", telling me he found out the restaurant had a last minute cancellation, and even gave me the perfume he bought for the Dolly...so yeah, I am expecting some serious triggering.)

So this year, I thought we would reclaim Valentine's for US. We need brand new traditions that are suited to who WE are, not interchangeable with just anyone. Last several years, when Taff was off on Valentine's dates with other women, he always sent me roses on the actual day. So now, I hate getting flowers from him. We have to do something entirely different.

For this year, I suggested we each write a song to each other. We are not either of us particularly musical, but we love to goof around, so country 'n' western theme is for this year, because they are a snap to write, and the goofier, the better. This will give us each a project to complete in advance, forcing us to each think about the other, focussing on the good things, of course. It is cost-free, and will give is a chance to profess our love-admiration-affection for each other.

I realize this kind of thing isn't for everyone. And that is kinda the point. It is special to us, and new for us. And not the run-of-the-mill flowers/chocolate/lingerie/champagne/dinner-type thing belched out by the industry that is Valentines.

Maybe next year we will do a make-it-yourself Valentine. Each of us will put a kit together of raw materials for the other to make an old-fashioned Valentine gift/card/memento. Could be fun.

Anyway, my goal is to reclaim the day for Taffy and me, and to begin traditions that will be memorable and defining for us. And give me something to think about whenever triggers start rearing their ugly heads (wow... What a mess of a mixed metaphor!)

Those are some good and creative ideas. I hope that limits your triggers and works out well for you. Sounds like you have a different situation with some good ideas on how to handle it. My W affair wasn't going on yet when Valentines hit (a 3 month summer fling) so maybe I should try and come up with an idea that will allow me to concentrate on the present. Song writing is a great idea. Not only is it different, but could use it as an original for my band if it turns out good:)

@Justtheofus. Triggers have already become drastically better in both severity and frequency. Still have them, but at least I am now handling them in a non-detrimental manner.

NG - I have found a lot of similarities after reading your story. From thoughts and almost life changing actions to the way we obviously both view marriage. And there isn't a day that goes by that I don't forget what those little girls getting out of the truck saved me, and many others from.

My wife knows how I feel about our anniversary and birthday, and valentines for that matter. She has said all she wants is for me to be around and continue to be a family, that is the only gift she can expect right now.

Win/win/win!
Go for it, rrr!!