I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.

As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.

In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.

Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.

This OM is wanting this child to be involved with this child, It seems it will be very difficult to not have some contact between them due to the pregnancy. I feel this child will be a constant reminder of the affair. How do i explain the fact to our children that their mother is pregnant from another man?

The OM is not married and i am sure still wants relationship with my wife!!! I see no way for there to be NC even though they have not spoken in a few weeks due to this pregnancy. i plan on being in the room when they do. if he goes to court he will at least get visitation. and does he have the right to give this child his last name if he does prove paternity? BTW baby due end of july

she also was convicted of a dui in jan)

The OM is not married and i am sure still wants relationship with my wife!!! I see no way for there to be NC even though they have not spoken in a few weeks due to this pregnancy. i plan on being in the room when they do. if he goes to court he will at least get visitation. and does he have the right to give this child his last name if he does prove paternity? BTW baby due end of july

Paternity Presumption states by statute or case law:

Alabama, California, Minnesota, North Dakota, Florida, Kentucky, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Wyoming


States where the law is still very unclear:

Missouri, New York, North Carolina, Rhode Island & South Dakota

All other states don't recognize or apply the paternity presumption [thus permitting OM's legal status to intrude into families].


Of course, these laws are ever changing and I don't recall when my resource was published. BTW, these laws typically are utilized by married men trying to escape responsibility for children that are not theirs. For example, I believe in Michigan if a married man finds out 25 months after the child is born the kid is not his he is still presumed the father and on the hook legally for support. These laws are typically not used by OM's to establish rights as they typically don't want the financial obligation along with severly limited visitation.

There are some couples who raise the OC without the involvement of the OM. That would be my condition to staying married but that is due to MY experience with having to deal with xOW and visitation with my FWH's OC.

You will need to tell your children the truth, especially if other people know about the A and the pregnancy. It would be best not to lie to them or to the OC who you need to tell at an appropriate age if you can manage to keep OM out of the picture.

You can look for writer1's thread in the pregnancy/child forum here.

how is restraining order possible brainhurt with her being pregnant? it is his child but i want my wife. that might inflame the situation right now. exposure is not tactic that will work either in this situation due the fact that his family knows about pregnancy. he is 3 hours away though