I realize that. By saying that I see your points, I'm basically saying that I appreciate your input and agree that its correct. I know it comes from Dr Harley and the MB programs. Thanks again :-)

You don't need luck. All you need is to be the one to decide to stand up and do the right thing.

You don't seem to see that OM BW is your greatest ally. She is your extra set of eyes on OM who has already shown you that he will continue to contact your wife and spit in your face.

I am pinpointed the err of your thinking here, that you can at this point 'trust' anything your WW says. You cannot. Affairs have a very addictive nature, and the behaviors exhibited by those in affairs easily resembles people with other addictions. You have to assume at this point, while she is still foggy in this affair, that anything she says is NOT true.

A foggy WS in the midst of an entrenched affair (which this clearly is) saying 'no more lies' is the equivalent of a falling down drunk saying he is OK to drive home.

As ML said, do NOT tell her/warn her about exposure. Her main interest right now is to protect her affair, NOT to do the right thing or recover your marriage.

unwritten is correct. The "promises" of a wayward are about as meaningful as the rantings of a falling down drunk who "promises" to never drink again on his way into the bar. Don't EVER go by her WORD, go by her ACTIONS. Only believe what you can verify and see with your own eyes. Everything else should be presumed a lie.

And I would be slapping a GPS on her car and spyware on her phone. You can get a zoombak GPS at Best Buy and buy spyware for her phone online. Go to the Operation Investigate forum to get some ideas on good spyware.

There is another man who showed up yesterday whose wife is pregnant from her affair. That could be YOU if you don't take a very, very proactive approach to stopping this affair. You already know she doesn't use protection.

OM BW will respond better hearing about the affair from you.


Don't think that OM BW won't find out...


at some point down the road.


Get it done now so you can move toward recovery and not have to keep looking over your shoulder.

The speed at which you let the other guy's wife in on the affair is critical because the longer you delay, the more time he has to turn your wife into "the chaser", the "whacko", the one who pursued him in to bed.

Plus, Im sure she already knows her husband is a slug, she should be relieved she has someone to help her corral him with regard to one woman at least.

I agree. You seem to be familiar with this couple. Why not do this tonight? There is no reason to delay. Let us know how it goes.

Why burden yourself and your already failing marriage with the task of keeping her "dirty little secret" any longer. You have a long road ahead of you, might as well get the best start possible.

I'll have to do it in the morning. He leaves early for work (5:00 ish) and WW leaves at 7:20. I'll have some time to talk to her around then.

Yes, I do know them. He was my station Captain in the FD and she used to be a member also. My youngest son cat/dog sat for them when they went on vacation and we've been shooting with them several times over the last year.

Wish me luck!!

Good luck! Will be holding you to it and checking in the AM to see that it's done! Remember no warning WW that you are going to contact OMW.

Go for it, Wow! You can do this...

Good job wow!!

WOW777. My FWH had an affair with the wife of one our family friends. I was the BW who was seen as "emotionally unstable." And you know what...I was. I was INSANE from all the gaslighting.

The truth set me free. I did not go on a rampage to hurt the OW ( although I would have liked to.)

The truth gave me the chance to recover my own marriage because I finally knew the real problem.

MB will give you best chance to recover your marriage but you will need nerves of steel to do the things outside of your comfort zone.

Be strong. MB works only when do each and every step. Telling the other victim and putting an end to the lies and secrets is a great step forward.

I'm confused (concerned) by this statement. WHEN do you plan to talk to the BW and WHAT would you have to talk to your WW about???

I am concerned that you are going to talk to her about your PLAN. That is like putting together a plan at the Superbowl, and then walking across the field to show it to the opposing team before the play. You understand why that is a bad, bad idea right?

I'm sorry that I wasn't clear. POSOM leaves for work at 05:00 and WW leaves for her work at 07:30. That is when I will be alone to call BW.

Be strong, my man. OMWs' reactions have ranged from grateful and thankful for the information to 'dont ever effing call me again about this and you and whore wife should rot in hell'.

Either way, its all good because your wife sounds like there's regret and you have support from friends. You two can begin the good stuff in this process like lots of alone time and she can make just compensation to you and you can figure out just where she got off your train and onto his.

MB protocol is you get all bits of informationa about the affair that you require up front. And never to bring it up again. Tough biscuits, but it makes way too much sense. Every time you bring it, you turn back the clock on recovery.

Anyway, first things first, make the call and come back here for next steps. We're with you, man.

Too bad. Adultery is risky business.


Put a hidden GPS on her vehicle today. After exposure may be too late. Once your WW finds out about exposure to OM's W, OM & your wife may attempt to meet somewhere. Get that GPS done before WW leaves for work tomorrow!
Go to radio shack and get both a GPS and a VAR to hide inside her vehicle. Ask the store employees to help you select.


Too late. WW was not very concerned for her own reputation. It is what it is.


Guess what? You have neither the power, nor the moral right to dictate how others react. Other married women need to know your wife is not safe to be around their husbands.


You'd rather your 12 year old be left confused and wondering if he is somehow to blame for the tension in the home? You are wrong. Your son will grow and learn only from the truth.

Best of luck on exposure day.

Another thing to be mindful of...

Be mindful of boundaries with regards to OM's wife. Many revenge affairs occur between the betrayed spouses whereupon one or both of them believe doing so is a way to hurt the person that intruded into their family. Revenge affairs are NOT poetic justice. They make matters much worse for everyone involved. It may be the furthest thing from your mind right now but this kind of trauma has a way of effecting (affecting?) sound decision making. Keep your distance from her (as well as any female friends married or single). You are vulnerable right now.

Just inform her and let her know you are available to discuss and strategize breaking up the affair and keeping these two separated (information sharing), however, beyond that you are not to be her emotional confidant and support system. Tell her you are too focused on your hurt, your family and your marriage to be of any real emotional help to her in her situation.

Also...sometimes exposure goes smoothly but it doesn't hurt to be prepared for the worst. Your wife might go completely nuts that you did this and to such an extent that you begin to wonder if you made a mistake. Don't second guess yourself. In the end, no one here regrets exposure. It's the right thing to do....period, end of story. Since the cat is already out of the bag you CAN give your wife an "ooops, I didn't realize this would upset you" kind of innocent approach as if you really do regret it without apologizing. Might help smooth things over for a bit, understanding that once you recover...she'll understand you did exactly what you needed to do to save her from the mess she was creating of your lives and she'll thank you for exposing.

Godspeed,

Mr. Wondering

Wow777,

BTW, one of the things that makes a married woman "crazy" is that she has been lied to for years and years.

She finds charges for hotels on the credit card, notices lipstick on Hs collars, empty condom wrappers, but somehow OM is able to convince her that nothing is going on. Deep down she feels sick knowing that she is being duped, but never has enough time, energy or luck to get the answers she deserves.

Yes tell the OMW, it's the least you can do, it's no different from reporting a bank robbery in progress.

I say this having seen it so many times, and often the wife doesn't divorce the rat until it's too late in life to enjoy anything.

God Bless
Gamma

T/J


Affecting (since you asked!)

Effects: what happens as a result of some action or the other
Effecting: Causing an effect

Hence "effecting sound decision making" actually translates to "CAUSING sound decision making" which is certainly not the meaning you intended.

Well, POSOM's wife already knows. I got the FU response and a loud hangup...

WW and I talked a lot last night about the Fog and withdrawal stages. The importance of an NC letter and how sharp it has to be. She is definitly concerned about his feelings so I explained why it needs to be emotionless (concerning them) and focus on the pain and suffering that I have been caused and trying to fix that.

She's reluctant but there was a hopeful sign in our conversation. She assured me that it had been over for her and that she never tried to contact him since 1/7. When he contacted her over the weekend she said that she felt nothing and didn't want to talk to him. When I reminder her that she deleted the conversations and never told me and that she went right back into the lie she seemed to realize that she was addicted to him and really didn't want to let him go. I think that was a break through because she started seeing things from my perspective. Anyway, we ended the conversation on a good note and wished each other a Happy Valentines Day this morning. She'll work on the NC letter tonight and we'll finish it and mail it tomorrow or Sat morning.

Isn't hope great? I know we have a looonnngggg way to go and a lot of bumps getting there but I'm cherishing EVERY good moment.