Even though you got the FU response......you did right and well. Good job.

That's okay. YOU did the right thing and that will make you feel good - down the road - when you look back at how you handled your side of the street. Although I'm sure you don't feel that right now.

Be strong Wow. Have you bought the book Surviving an Affair?

Good job on OMW exposure. You need to expose to friends and family who can support your marriage and keep WW accountable as well. OM's friends and family should also be exposed to, to keep him accountable.

It's great that your WW has agreed to send the NC letter.

My wife stayed in her long term affair well after the relationship ended and addiction may be an appropriate excuse however unfathomable it may be.

You seem very levelheaded and calm. Excellent qualities for recovery.

LOL, level headed and calm... Not what WW would say. The last few years of unhappiness have caused me to have some anger issues. At least that will be worked on when we get to the recovery stage and start making those deposits :-)

I suggest you work on those anger issues now. For yourself and a better chance st recovering your marriage.

I've seen the outbursts more and more since D-Day and I'm starting to see how destructive they have been.

Years ago, I was part of a karate school for 15 years. I had complete control over my anger and rarely ever got mad at anyone (except stupid drivers. They've always made me mad). I need to get back to that place where I'm at peace with the world, and myself. This will take lots of prayer time.

I've seen the outbursts more and more since D-Day...

Very typical, almost to the point of being predictable.
Use a gym, punch a bag, exhaust yourself. It will help.

I just started P90X again. 2 weeks in so far. The good news is, we're doing it together so we're already working on building the 15-20 hours a week of undivided attention.

Shortly after D-Day, I took her to the very spot that I proposed to her on Feb 10th, 1991. I recommitted my love to her and promised to pursue a path to reconciliation if thats what she wanted. She agreed so thats why I'm here and moving forward.

Our next date will be to the resturant where we had our first date on her 21st birthday... Maybe next week if the NC letter goes out by then

= levelheaded.

I am not hopeful. I am sorry to throw rain on your parade, but there are so many red flags here that I hardly know where to begin.

The first huge gaping HOLE is that she is still in contact with him. She was contact with him LAST WEEKEND, so the affair is really not over. As long as he has a free pass to get through to her the affair is NOT OVER. Every time he contacts her is the equivalent of an alcoholic taking another drink. One drink leads to a binge.

As long as he is free to get through, your marriage is in danger. And every time she sees him at work, you can consider the affair BACK ON. Recovery is impossible until ALL contact ends.

That means that she makes it next to impossible for him to get through by changing her phone #, email, deleting her facebook page and most certainly making sure she has a job where she will NEVER run across him.

This is STEP ONE. Unless you close the door entirely, there is no hope.

I will post the no contact letter that Dr Harley recommends in my next post. It should be approved by you and mailed together.


Next red flag. WHAT does she know exactly? Does she know her rat husband got your wife pregnant? It is very ODD that a betrayed spouse hangs up on another betrayed spouse. That does not make sense. UNLESS.... her WH got to her and spun a wild story about "crazy WOW777 has lost his mind and is telling people I am having an affair with his wife!! The guy is a nutbag!!" So when you call to tell the BW, she is angry you are spreading lies. Did this happen? Did your wife give the OM a heads up that you knew?


A fart in the wind has more significance. The "assurances" of a falling down drunk mean nothing. Nothing. You can NEVER go by her words, you must go by her ACTIONS.

And what do her actions tell you? She was in contact with the OM LAST WEEKEND. She does not want to send him a no contact letter because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. <----THAT is all you have. That is the REALITY of the situation.

If you want to get thrown off balance and lose this war, then take your eye off her ACTIONS and focus on her WORDS. If you want to save your marriage, then plug your ears and watch her ACTIONS.

ACTION: in contact with OM last weekend
doesn't want to send OM no contact letter

WORDS: the affair is "over for her"

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

When you said that BW already knew, I was thinking that she found out from actions from the Chief. I honestly do not believe that OM would have told his BW the truth especially given that he is still in contact with your WW.


Have you followed up with the Chief to find out what is happening?

Here's where we are today

1. Yes, I have the book on kindle
2. Melody... There is no parade to rain on. Oh and BTW, it's already raining no matter where I go.
3. The little bit of hope that I have is from seeing in her eyes that she's starting to understand the nature of the addiction. She knows that my job is to hold her accountable and her job is to break off the A and deal with the withdrawal stage.
4. She works in the next town over during the day and during the week. No nights or weekends. He volunteers in our town on nights & weekends and works out of town during the weekdays. There is almost no chance that they will see each other at all. In fact, she left the FD in our town to get away from him.
5. The other possible means of contact (facebook, phone#, email, etc) are being changed/deleted. That takes a little time since she has to notify some people of the new #'s and emails. He no longer has a free pass to contact her.
6. She wrote a NC letter today that I was very happy with. We're going to make a few changes tonight and then I'll post it for you to review. The first draft was pretty good though.
7. I've taken some other steps to hold her accountable also. I dont want to mention them here in case she comes on here as I want them to be private for now.

Today is Valentines Day and I got her flowers and a card. I know it's her actions that I have to watch. Thats the manner in which I live. I always look at what people say vs what they do. Ronald Reagan said, "Trust, but verify" and thats the mode that I have to operate in. I know you'll say dont trust at all, but realistically, ther verification part of that statement shows a certain amount of distrust. She had a fall over the weekend and didn't tell me about the contact. I'm more prepared now to find these contacts if they do happen and I can deal with them. We're already talking about getting the house ready to sell and moving south too.

Oh, and I dont know what she knows exactly as she hung up on me. Should I care about that? What can I do to get thru to her?

Wow777,

You need to press home your exposure of OM, he has no business being in any leadership role at a fire department. Did you expose him there and at his workplace? I would threaten a lawsuit against the department and the local municipality.

God Bless
Gamma

Yes, I've spoken to the Chief. I'll make another attempt with OMW and see if I can get thru.

I'm not sure what the grounds would be for a lawsuit though.

Wow, what do you mean he no longer has a free pass to contact her? As long as he has her phone #, email and facebook account, he can contact her. He is free to resume the affair any time as long as he can get through. And every time he gets through is a huge trigger for your wife's addiction.

Do you have any evidence other than your WW confession? Like cell phone logs, emails, etc.